Secrets of Mine (Of Mine #2)

29. Freya

29

FREYA

I stare into my beer, watching the foam swirl as I turn the glass around on the table at Mozzy’s.

I’m getting far too familiar with the feeling in the pit of my stomach. The reason I hadn’t visited Angelica before now is because I felt guilty that she’s locked up and I’m out here walking free. We had the same life, literally, but somehow, I escaped with my sanity and she didn’t. For that, she gets to spend the rest of her life in an institution. Except, now she’s free again and a tiny, sick part of me is relieved. So now I feel guilty about that too.

I take a long drink of cold beer, the condensation on the glass chilling my fingers. I don’t know whether I want the alcohol to clear my mind or numb it.

Logically, I know it’s not a good thing that the Unit Chief of the FBI broke Angelica out. Even if she’s not behind a locked door anymore it doesn’t mean she’s free. My father is still pulling the strings here and I know first-hand he’s the worst prison she can have.

My instincts have me wanting to hop on my motorcycle and ride around till I find her but, as Eli pointed out, aimless searching never does any good.

Eli’s been in touch with every FBI agent he can think of to try and locate Chief Syed, and Ruiz and Luke are trying to track down the transport vehicle that picked Angelica up.

It’s nine in the evening now, so we’re sitting at Mozzy’s and I’m staring at the bartender who works here when Josh has a day off. We’re here to meet Eva so Eli can show her the latest autopsy reports. He tried to suggest a different bar, but I wanted to come here to see if anybody remembers anything from yesterday evening before Josh disappeared.

I’m one beer in, I’ve already spoken to all the regulars, and Eva’s only just arrived.

Eli meets her at the door and I squash the twist of jealousy at seeing him go towards her when all he’s been doing lately is move away from me. It doesn’t help that Eva’s goddamn gorgeous, like an Olympic goddess.

Eli helps her take off her long coat and hangs it on the hat stand by the door.

Eva’s sense of fashion is clearly more elevated than my leather jacket and ripped jeans. She’s got on a deep maroon blouse with a loose collar that flutters around her cleavage while the rest of the shirt, and the black pencil skirt it’s paired with, hug her curves.

I tear my eyes away and take another drink. Too many stupid feelings whirl through my body, and I don’t have the capacity to deal with them right now.

Not while Josh is still missing.

Eli guides Eva over to our booth by the fireplace and Mozzy’s ever faithful dog.

The bar is as busy as it normally is with a group of guys playing pool and the juke box streaming nineties tunes in the background. It doesn’t seem right that everything is the same when Josh isn’t here.

Eva slides into the cushioned seat across from me beside Eli. She draws her braids, threaded with red extensions, back over her shoulder and offers me a small smile. “Freya, it’s good to see you again. I’m sorry about your friend.”

“He’s not dead,” I say, my face set in harsh lines.

Eva pauses for a second but holds my gaze. “I know,” she says, her voice soft but firm.

I close my eyes and sigh, feeling like shit. I’ve only met Eva once before, but I know she’s one of Eli’s closest friends and irrational jealousy doesn’t give me the right to be a bitch. “I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s been a long day.”

Eva softens. “I know the feeling.”

Eli, who’s been watching me with narrowed eyes, turns to Eva. “Everything alright?”

“A Jane Doe got brought in at the end of my shift. She’s been beaten beyond recognition. But enough about that, what have you got for me?”

Eli hesitates a moment before sliding the files out of his bag and placing them on the table.

They spend a while going over the autopsy reports and I go back to staring at my beer because I don’t have it in me to look at photos of more women my father has killed.

For the first time since we caught my sister, I can feel a flashback clawing at my mind and I’m determined not to let it pull me under. The nightmares are bad enough.

After a while Eli goes to the washroom and Eva closes the files before settling back in the booth and squinting at me.

“So, what’s going on with the two of you?” she asks.

I stop fiddling with my now empty glass. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, Eli’s spent the last twenty minutes trying and failing not to keep watching you. He looks guilty as hell, and you haven’t looked at him once. So, what did he do?”

I draw my teeth over my lip and sigh. I’ve never really had a girlfriend I could talk to before, but I’m pretty sure that’s what this is and for some reason I want to share with Eva.

Everything in my head and my heart is a mess right now and she’s got this tough but kind ‘hit me with it’ look. So, I do.

“He blames me for his mother’s death.”

Eva frowns.

“He says he doesn’t anymore, but ever since my father killed again, he’s been pulling away from me. And I get it, he shouldn’t forgive me, but I need him to stop freezing me out and just end it.”

Tears prick my eyes. I don’t want to lose Eli but I can’t keep going like this, second guessing his every move, hoping he’s going to look at me only to be crushed when he doesn’t.

“Freya.” Eva reaches her hand across the table and lays it on top of mine. “Eli is crazy about you. He doesn’t blame you for what happened to his mom, he never did, he just felt guilty for liking you.”

I draw my hand back and shift my focus to the guys playing pool because Eva’s eyes are filled with too much sympathy for me to bear. “So what the hell is his problem then?” I snap, drowning the more painful emotions out with anger.

Eva sits back, her lips twisting into a devious smirk. “I’m not sure, but I know how you can find out.”

My gaze darts back to her. “How?”

“Make him jealous.”

I arch a brow. “I’m kind of new to this but aren’t friends supposed to give healthy relationship advice? Also, you know I’m with River, Oz, and Jude too, right? Pretty sure Eli doesn’t get jealous.”

Eva’s black painted nails drum against the table. “Oh honey, those guys are like his brothers but trust me, you go near any other man, Eli will be far from happy.”

“And that helps me how?”

She shrugs. “You want answers, right? Eli hasn’t really got the communicating thing down yet. He bottles all his feelings up and the only way he’s going to talk is if you push him.”

“Remind me why I’m taking relationship advice from someone who spends her days with the dead.”

“Because I have all that time by myself to think of genius ideas like this one.” She flashes me a grin. “Now, shoo, go talk to that guy at the bar.” Her eyes glimmer with excitement.

My lip tilts up as I shake my head. “You want some popcorn to eat while you turn my life into a reality show?”

She nods. “Please.”

My mouth drops open.

Eva holds up her hands. “Hey, I’m not getting any bedroom action, at least let me live vicariously through you.”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, Ma’am.”

I get up and the lightness I felt chatting with Eva falls away as I walk to the bar.

The man she pointed out is attractive in a rugged, broad-shouldered way and before I met the guys he’s exactly the sort of person I’d have taken home.

My feet still. This is a stupid idea. I’m still not convinced Eli will give a shit if I talk to another man and the idea that he won’t has my heart squeezing in a vise.

I glance back at Eva and she shoos me towards the bar.

The wood is tacky under my palm as I lift myself up onto one of the stools.

The bartender who’s standing in for Josh places his hands on the bar in front of me. “What can I get you?”

My eyes dart to the guy on the stool one space across. I nod to the tumbler in his hand. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

That gets his attention. Dark eyes look me up and down, interest brewing in his gaze. “Put it on my tab,” he says to the bartender.

I swallow. “Thanks.”

His lips tilt up. “You’ve got good taste. Care to join me?” He flicks two fingers at the stool between us. My stomach drops and nausea pushes at my throat.

I can’t go through with this.

It doesn’t matter that I have no intentions of doing anything with this man, I’ve already gone too far. I can be as mad at Eli as I like but it’s not fair to River, Oz, and Jude. I feel like I just cheated on them and guilt grips my chest.

“Surely a drink buys me at least a few minutes of your time. I’ll make it worth your while.” His voice drops low and seductive, but it does nothing for me.

I open my mouth, ready to tell him no, when a strong hand grips my upper arm.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Eli hisses against my ear.

The nausea goes away, completely drowned out by a flood of arousal. My stomach flips at the threat in his voice but my pussy clenches and it takes serious willpower not to squirm in my seat. Maybe Eva was onto something after all.

The bar guy raises a brow.

“I—”

“Was just leaving.” Eli squeezes my arm, just the edge of pain in his touch.

I nod. “Yep. What he said. Sorry.” I let Eli drag me off the stool.

“Hey, wait,” the bartender calls out, muscley arms crossed over his chest. He locks eyes with me. “You alright going with him?”

I give him a soft smile. Mozzy’s is a good place. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for checking but he’s all bark, no bite.”

Eli’s dark chuckle has me thinking I’m going to regret that later.

We don’t stop to say goodbye to Eva. Eli leads me straight out of the bar and into the passenger seat of his SUV.

He’s quiet as we pull out of the parking lot, the lines of his jaw sharply accented.

The guilt comes back. “I wasn’t going to?—”

“No talking.”

I shut up. The seatbelt cuts into my palms from how tight I’m gripping it. The whole point of this was to get Eli to talk but apparently that’s backfired.

“Eli,” I try again but he whips his head around to glower at me.

“I mean it, Freya. That fucking mouth of yours is nothing but trouble so unless you want to be gagged, I suggest you shut it.”

I press my lips together. I know I messed up, but I need Eli to talk to me and the fact he’s still putting up walls has anger simmering under my skin.

He still hasn’t said a word by the time we get back home and when he walks inside and heads straight for his room, the simmer boils over into a volcano.

I follow him down the corridor and shout at his back. “Are you fucking kidding me!”

Eli grinds to a halt but doesn’t turn around.

“I try and pick up another guy and you don’t have a single thing to say to me?”

He looks over his shoulder and catches me in his sight, his glare harsh with contained fury. “Trust me, you don’t want to be around me right now.”

“No, you don’t want to be around me .” I jab my finger at him. “You never want to be around me anymore and I get it, I really do. What I did to your mother, what my father made me do, is unforgiveable.

“I don’t even blame you for saying you forgave me when you didn’t. I know you’re not over it, but you can’t just keep ignoring me. If we’re over, then for god’s sake Eli, grow some fucking balls and tell me.”

Finally, he’s moving, but the speed he comes at me with has me stepping back.

In the blink of an eye, Eli’s hand circles my throat and he pushes me against the wall. “I am not a liar,” he says, his face inches from mine. “There is nothing to be forgiven because what Maxwell did to my mother was not your fault. We’ve been over this before.” His grip tightens, not quite cutting off my air, but enough that the threat is there. “Or do you need a reminder?”

I bring my hands to his wrists and try to shake my head. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I cut into his mother’s chest. I stood by as my father killed her. That’s not something you can forgive.

I can learn to live with myself. The guys have even made me see that what my dad made me do is not my fault, but her blood is still on my hands and it’s selfish of me to want Eli to be okay with that.

Eli growls and tears his hand away from my neck. “You fucking frustrating woman.”

I slump against the wall, tears pushing at my eyes. “I can’t do this anymore, Eli. Just say it. Just tell me it’s over.”

His hand slices through the air. “No. It’s not over. I don’t blame you for my mom and I am not okay with you thinking that.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, dangerous hope in the beat of my heart. “Then why the fuck are you pushing me away?”

He goes quiet.

I open my eyes to find him staring at his shoes, his fists clenched.

“I’m not pushing?—”

I hold up my hand, stopping him. “You just told me you’re not a liar, don’t lie to me now.”

“For god’s sake Freya will you just leave it alone?”

“No!” I push away from the wall. “You’re not being fair. You can’t say we’re not over but keep blocking me out.”

His eyes flare. “I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

“Just tell me,” I scream. “What did I do, Eli? What the fuck did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything. It’s me, alright. It’s what I’m going to do.” The bottom of his fist shakes the wall and he brings his forearms up, bracing them on the wall in front of his face. He lets his head drop.

“I’m going to kill him.” The words are a whispered vow.

My heart trips. “What?”

Eli pulls away from the wall, shaking his head with bitter resignation. “Your father. I’m not going to put him behind bars Freya, I’m going to kill him. I’m going to put a bullet through your father’s head. What sort of person would I be if I fucked you knowing that?”