14. Ace

14

ACE

Staring up at the night sky, thousands of miles away from home, my thoughts inevitably turn to Sheri. It’s painful being away from her when all I want to do is be with her, lose myself in her. Pretend that all’s well in the world.

But it isn’t.

I know I agreed to keep our relationship under wraps for a while, when she and I spoke about the possibility of an us. Back then I was happy to take whatever I could get. Now? Not so much. I’m in so deep at this point, all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops. But I understand Sheri’s fears. I’m not proud of the fact that it’s because I essentially cut Leila out of my life.

We all did.

That’s not an excuse. At a time when she needed us as much as Sheri did, we stupidly cut her out of our lives out of blind loyalty to Merlin. We shouldn’t have, but that’s how it played out, and it’s too late to go back and undo the damage. And it’s that very stupidity that’s come back to bite me in the ass.

Sheri’s not wanting to lose us the same way Leila did has a chokehold on her. No matter how many times I reassure her I won’t allow it to happen, it makes no difference. So, essentially, we hide in the shadows, never allowing anyone to see us together. Not even the boys.

Sure, they see us in each other’s company — that’s nothing new for them. But no one, not even the boys — especially not the boys — know we’re intimately involved. And I’ve reached that point that it bugs the hell out of me. I want everyone to know. Yet Sheri continues to insist we keep it quiet, despite knowing I feel differently.

Rolling over in an attempt to find a more comfortable position, I sigh with frustration, silently promising to fix things when I get home. Sometime soon, though, something’s going to have to change. I can’t — don’t want to — keep going like this. My heart squeezes because I know if we can’t find an amenable solution to this situation, I’ll need to walk away. And that thought slays me. I’ve come to realize Sheri is my world, and without her in my life, it will be dull and devoid of vibrancy.

My heart now beats for her, and those precious boys. Without them in my life I’ll merely be existing rather than living each day.

“There’s a crap ton of sighing coming from over there,” Kansas says quietly into the dark surrounding us. “Wanna talk about it?”

My knee-jerk reaction is to say no, and I do.

“You sure? It’s clear that something’s been weighing on you for a while. Maybe a fresh perspective can help?”

I lie there contemplating his words, and I come to the decision that Kansas is right. Maybe I do need to get this off my chest and get his thoughts on what I’m struggling with. I just need to be careful not to let on who I’m talking about.

“Yeah, I guess. Maybe a different perspective will help me find a solution,” I reply.

“All right then, lay it on me, brother. Let’s see what we can do to bring you some peace of mind.”

“That would be awesome. I’m tired of going round and round in circles, trying to figure shit out.” I’m silent for a moment, wondering where to start. What actually comes out of my mouth is, “Why are women so fucking complicated?”

“Now that sounds intriguing. Spill.”

“Before I do — I know it goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. This conversation stays between just you and me.”

“I hear you and you have my word,” Kansas replies, and I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

I roll toward him, even though I can’t see him in the inky dark.

“A few months back a friend started a relationship with a woman he’s known for a long time?—”

“Anyone I know?”

“Yeah, that’s why I can’t give you too much detail. On top of that, it’s complicated. Like I said, they’ve known each other for years. The situation is — unusual, shall we say — and she’s worried that she’ll be judged by others if it gets out that they’re together. Or worse, shunned?—”

“Unless she’s someone who’s not particularly well liked, I can’t see who would judge her or why,” Kansas interrupts again.

“Slow your roll, dude. Give me a chance to finish a sentence and you might find answers to your questions.” I shake my head at Kansas, even though he can’t see me.

“Speak faster, I’m invested now. This is quite the intriguing pickle your friends appear to find themselves in.” I can hear the amusement in his voice.

“I can’t tell you who they are, before you ask. So yes, because we do all move in the same circles, it makes this part of what makes this so difficult...” As the words come out of my mouth, I second-guess speaking to Kansas about all of this. The last thing I want to do is betray Sheri’s trust. “You know, on second thought, let’s rather leave this. I’ve probably said too much already.”

This time it’s his turn to sigh. “All teasing aside, I can see something’s got you weighed down. We all can. And if I can help in any way, I will. Let me help any way I can. I promise one hundred percent discretion.” Silence hangs between us as I contemplate what to do. “We don’t have to talk about it if you’re really that uncomfortable sharing; just know I’m here when you’re ready,” he finally says.

“Yeah, I know it. It’s just that I’m worried about saying something I shouldn’t and fucking things up for u– them.” Damn, almost slipped up. I can only hope he doesn’t notice, although there’s little that gets past the man.

“We’ll go at your pace.” Whether he didn’t notice, or has chosen to let it go, Kansas doesn’t mention the near miss.

“Since I can’t tell you their real names, let’s call them John and Jane. So, Jane moves in the same circles because she’s a Navy widow, and despite her husband having passed years ago, she’s concerned y—,” As the word begins to come out of my mouth, I have to bite my tongue.

Again.

At this rate, it’ll be game over in zero-point-seven seconds flat. “She’s — er — concerned people close to her will judge her for stepping out on her late husband.”

“So, she’s got the two of them sneaking around,” Kansas murmurs, as if he’s speaking to himself. “If her husband’s been dead for years, what makes her think that those who knew him won’t be happy for her?”

“That right there is the heart of the issue. The guy she’s seeing is a teammate of her late husband’s,” I reply.

“Aaahhh,” Kansas drags the word out. “Gotcha. Although, in my humble opinion, I don’t think it is — or should be — a problem. The man’s long gone, and she deserves happiness. I take it one or both of them doesn’t see that?”

“Yeah, he does, but she doesn’t. She thinks his teammates will want nothing to do with her. She thinks that they’ll consider her to be cheating on her late husband.”

Kansas is quiet for a while. “Yeah, I guess I can see how she’d feel like that. But I’m sure his teammates would be happy for her. I mean, I reckon our guys would be happy for her if it were, say, Sheri. I mean after losing Maverick, I can imagine he’d want her to move on and find happiness with someone else. And who better than a guy who would be invested in her happiness like a teammate?” he finally responds.

Well, damn. Not quite what I had expected from Kansas. I’m curious to know, though, whether he’d feel that same way if he knew it was Sheri. And me. But it’s not like I can just blurt it out. Sheri would murder me as it is if she knew we were having this conversation.

I can just hear her voice in my head, asking me what the hell I’m thinking, discussing our private lives with someone else. I doubt it would make an iota’s difference I’ve not mentioned any names. Well, it’s done now — no undoing it.

Interestingly enough, Kansas’s words have actually brought me a measure of peace. There’s potential hope that Sheri’s wrong about how the others will react were they to find out about us.

“Seems this lady’s pretty insecure about the relationship.” His words give me pause.

Sheri isn’t an insecure person by nature. She’s comfortable in her skin and the place she carved out for herself in the world. But she is definitely insecure about the team accepting us as a couple. If I could just figure out how to reassure her but, if I’m being brutally honest with myself, even I don’t know how the team will react. So how can I reassure her?

“Yeah.” I pause, weighing my words, but then decide fuck it. “She saw what happened when Merlin and Leila split, and she’s terrified it’ll happen to them. And I’ve got no way to reassure her it won’t happen to them, because I just don’t know how his team will respond.”

“That was pretty fucked up. We should never have let that happen. By the time I realized what we were doing, I didn’t know how to undo the damage, so I did nothing. Hurt an amazing woman in the process. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I will never do something like that again. She did nothing to deserve us cutting her off cold. I’m still ashamed of us for that,” Kansas says.

“Same. I feel so embarrassed for my part in it. There’s no excusing what we did.”

“Agreed. If I could go back and change it, I would. I would never abandon her like that again.”

“Yeah, I agree. I would change how it played out, for sure. I’d do better.” A yawn catches me off guard, and I can’t prevent Kansas from hearing.

“Same, brother. Time for some shut-eye. Tomorrow’ll come soon enough, and we need to be on our A-game to kick some bad guy ass.” I hear him chuckle quietly.

“Night, Kansas. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it more than you know.”

“Anytime. You know where to find me.”

All I can do is hope that when it comes down to the crunch, he’ll stand by his words because we can’t keep “sneaking around” as Kansas put it. I want more, and I want our family and friends to know. That’s a headache for another day, though.

Right now, I need to sleep so I’m ready for tomorrow’s fight.

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