Session 33

Chapter Thirty five

"I'm fine, Solomon," I lied, plastering a fake smile on my face to get him away from my door. My hands trembled with anger, and I felt like a volcano about to erupt. Solomon was about to become the target of my wrath if he didn’t get the hell out of my face. I couldn't let him see me like this, on the verge of breaking down. He hesitated, concern etched on his face, but eventually nodded and left.

As soon as the door clicked shut, the fake smile crumbled, replaced by a scowl. I kicked off the shoes I’d shoved my swollen feet into when Solomon called me and told me I had lost my job, but he had a better one for me. I wasn’t going to burn any bridges, so I met up with him despite having no intention of taking any jobs right now. Then here comes Cassius with his stupid ass, being a stupid ass.

I felt like a ticking time bomb, seconds away from exploding. I stormed around the house, the sound of my footsteps echoing off the walls. "Alexa, play me some music," I ordered. Ironically, "Emotional Rollercoaster" started playing softly in the background, each note pulling at the tangled mess of emotions inside me. "Alexa, turn that shit up." The volume rose.

I went to our—no, my—bedroom and yanked open the closet door. My hands shook as I grabbed Cassius's clothes, yanking them off the hangers and tossing them into a pile on the floor. Every item I threw felt like a piece of my heart breaking off because I didn’t want to put him out, but I couldn’t deal with his dysfunction. His scent wafted off the fabric—a mix of cologne and something uniquely him. It was a cruel reminder of what we had and what was falling apart. The drawers were next, and I emptied them, dropping his cologne and lotions on top of the pile. I needed garbage bags.

I was dragging out a full thirty gallon bag of Cassius's shit when the front door creaked open, causing me to pause. I looked up, and there Cassius was, standing in the doorway, his eyes darkening as he took in the scene. My anger got the best of me, and before I could stop myself, I grabbed the keys for the new house from the sofa table and hurled them at him. He dodged them easily, his face contorting with irritation.

"I'm sorr—" he started, but I cut him off.

"Get the fuck away from me," I spat, my voice low. I was seething. Instead of doing what my good mind told me to do—walking away, going in my room, and locking the door until he left—I stepped toward him, jabbing my finger in his face. "You don't know how hard I've worked to keep my daddy's temper from becoming a part of who I am, but you bring him out in me, and that makes me want to shoot you in the face. And I bring out the worst in you, obviously. I can't see you flipping tables for Keisha or any of those other bitches."

Cassius's face tightened, a dark shadow crossing his features. He took a step closer, his hand darting out to grab my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. His grip was firm, almost painful. "Why you always have to bring that bitch up?" he hissed, his eyes boring into mine. "You think you're the only one hurting here? I flipped that table because I care, because I won't lose you to some other man, and I can feel you slipping away ever since you found out you're pregnant. Tell me it ain't true."

I tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. "Let me go, Cassius, and get out of my house," I said, my voice trembling. I was so angry.

"No, you listen to me," he snarled, leaning in closer. "I'm not going anywhere. You are carrying my baby. You can’t break up with me because I fucked up. We're in this together, whether you like it or not."

I could feel the tears threatening to spill. "None of what you say means shit to me after you just embarrassed me for no reason, and you didn’t just fuck up. You continually fuck up. I love you, Cassius, but you got me fucked up if you think I’m going to let you take your frustrations out on me. Get a therapist. Go to fucking church." I managed to choke out. "Now get out!"

Cassius's jaw clenched, his eyes flickering with something dangerous—something dark. He finally released me, shoving back a step. "I'll go," he said, his voice dripping with anger, as if he had the right to be mad at me. "I'll go so you can calm down, for the baby's sake. But don't think for a second that this is over."

I stood there, breathless, just staring at him. My chest heaving. His chest heaving. Our words hung in the air like a curtain between us.

His face finally softened before he walked away.

As soon as the door closed behind him, I sank to the floor, tears I’d been holding back finally spilling over. The anger that had fueled me moments ago now left me feeling hollow and drained. How had we ended up here? When I wished for an end to the loneliness, I didn’t expect it to be replaced by heartache.