Session 33

Chapter forty eight

Sitting in my car outside my therapist’s office, I let out a slow breath. His words were still ringing in my ears, bouncing around my head like a bad echo. I hadn’t expected this shit to be easy, but damn, I hadn’t thought he would drag me through hell, either. A few sessions in and he wasn’t holding back.

“You sabotage yourself, Cassius,” the doctor had said, his voice calm and professional. “You pushed Angel away because deep down, you’re convinced you’re going to end up like your father. You said you look like him, have temper and jealousy issues. I think you’re afraid you’ll do something you can’t take back, like him.”

Hearing him say that shit had skewered me because as soon as he did, it was like he was putting words to my feelings. I wouldn’t hurt Angel, but back then I would have killed a motherfucker who got in our way. Even though in the back of my mind I knew she was a good girl and wouldn’t fuck me over, I couldn’t help thinking she just might.

I stared at my phone, Angel’s name glowing on the screen. My thumb hovered over the call button, hesitation freezing me up. But I had questions. With a quick swipe, I called her.

“Hello?”

Her voice was soft.

“It’s me,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

There was a pause, and I could almost see her frowning, trying to figure out why I was calling. She was almost over me now. But not completely. I could see her love for me in her eyes. Which was the only reason I was trying to fix myself. I had a chance to get my family back.

“Cassius? What’s going on? Everything okay?”

“Yeah... No. I mean, I need to ask you something,” I stumbled over the words, but fuck it, this was harder than I thought it would be.

“Okay...” She sounded cautious, and I couldn’t blame her.

“Were you ever scared of me?” I held my breath, feeling the tension in my chest ratchet up, it felt like I was waiting for a bomb to go off.

The silence on the other end felt like a lifetime. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Finally, she spoke, her voice softer than before, like she was afraid of what her answer might do to me. “Yes, Cassius. I was scared sometimes.”

I closed my eyes, the confirmation gave me the worst feeling in my chest ever. I knew it was coming, but hearing it—feeling it—was different. I leaned back against the headrest, trying to breathe through the guilt that was threatening to choke me. “Why?” I asked, my voice tight. “When? What did I do?”

Angel sighed, the sound heavy with memories I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear. “It wasn’t just one thing, Cassius. It was the way you’d get so angry, like a switch flipped inside you. You were a whole different person when you got mad. I knew you didn’t want to hurt me, but it felt like you wanted to physically fight.”

I clenched my jaw. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. A tear actually fell from my eyes. I had fucked up. “I never wanted to be my daddy. I never wanted to be him.”

“I know,” she said, her voice so soft I almost didn’t catch it.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t know how to love you without squeezing the life out of us both. I was afraid—never had someone like you before, and it fucked with my head. My jealousy, my anger... that was just me, scared shitless you’d slip through my fingers. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Angel. I just didn’t know any better.”

She didn’t say anything, and I hadn’t expected her to. I moved on, but I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could speak again. “The doctor... my psychiatrist... he thinks it might help if you came to a session with me. Just one, to talk things out. I know I’ve got a lot to work on, our son, him, but maybe...”

I heard her take a breath, and I waited, holding my breath. “Okay, Cassius,” she finally said. “I’ll go with you.”

Relief washed over me, but it was short-lived. Just as I was about to thank her, I heard him in the background—Solomon’s voice. Old ass bitch. His ass ran my blood cold. He was a fucking trigger, one I couldn’t control. I was going to fuck around and pay somebody to off his ass.

“Thanks, Angel,” I said quickly. I could hear my tone was colder than before. The last thing I wanted was to hear his voice in the background while I was trying to fix my life.

“Cassius—”

“I’ll text you the details,” I cut her off, ending the call before I could let my temper get the best of me. Before I said something I’d regret. I tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, feeling like the air had been sucked out of the car. My mind was racing. All I could think about now was Solomon being there with Angel, in the space where I used to be with my son.

It took me about five minutes to calm down, then I realized I had actually improved myself. Old me would have knocked on Angel’s front door and dragged Solomon’s old ass out of the house.