Chapter 19
Chapter
Nineteen
August 2 nd
10:37 A.M.
“What do we do next?” Cole asked the room.
His life was spinning out of control, and he had no idea how to fix it.
The way he’d left things with Susanna couldn’t be it, couldn’t be their final interaction.
No way he could handle that.
He’d lose his mind.
Already he was dangerously close to losing it.
Teetering on the edge.
Not sleeping, not eating, checking into every potential avenue to gather information that he could think of.
So far it had led nowhere.
Yes, they had a dead body, and yes, they were all on the same page, Susanna’s cop friends included, that someone had killed Albie Roberts with the express purpose of getting access to Susanna. Albie’s wife had also been killed, both collateral damage in a game that was so frustrating because they didn't know all the rules.
“I hate to say this, Cole, but I don’t think we have a next move,” Connor said carefully.
Freezing from what had been his frantic pacing around his living room, he shot his brother a glare.
How could Connor say that?
And why was everyone else looking at him with pity?
Did they think he would accept giving up?
“What are you saying?” he growled, ready to tear limb from limb anyone who suggested he just throw his hands up in the air and turn his back on Susanna. Even if that person was one of his siblings. “You want me to leave her to her fate?”
“What is with you and Cooper suddenly thinking the worst of your brothers?” Cade snapped, clearly irritated, only when wasn't his oldest brother annoyed at someone or something?
“Hey, what did I do?” Cooper asked, looking offended.
“When you were in Egypt and you saved Willow from the psychopath strangling her,” Cade replied. “You acted like we were all going to tell you to leave her behind, let fate do with her whatever it wanted because you were there for intel on Mom.”
“When I first mentioned seeing a figure in black you guys kept reminding me to remember why I was there,” Cooper said defensively.
“At the time, you didn't know who it was or if that person was even in danger. We would never leave an innocent behind. No way. Not ever,” Cade said fiercely, now turning his attention back to Cole. “You really think we’d turn our backs on your girl?”
“I …” Cole trailed off, dropping his head and linking his fingers together at the back of his neck, pressing his palms into his tight muscles, attempting to relieve the tension there.
Only there was no way that was happening.
The tension was a result of his guilt over how he’d treated Susanna. It was obvious she had some pretty major trust issues, and while he was desperate to know why and do whatever he could to alleviate them, he’d gone about it the wrong way.
In doing so, he’d left her alone and vulnerable.
Failed her.
Broken the promises he’d made.
He’d be lucky if she could ever trust him.
Which was a moot point if he couldn’t get her back alive.
“My ex cheated on me,” he blurted out. While he’d told Susanna about his ex, he’d never given his siblings a reason why his relationship was over and he’d moved out of the place they’d shared and into this building. “For money. She didn't like living off a military income and thought she was too good to work, so she started selling her body for guys to buy her expensive gifts. Came home and caught her in the act. She tried to justify it saying it was just a business exchange and that she loved me. I didn't confront her, I just packed my stuff and left.”
Maybe if he had, none of this entire mess ever would have started.
Now, not only he but Susanna as well had to live with the consequences of his choices.
“I met Susanna the day I moved in here. She was hugging a man outside her apartment, and she looked like my ex, just with brilliant green eyes. I lumped all my anger onto Susanna. When I kept seeing people coming and going, and she didn't seem to go off to a job every day, I jumped to the conclusion that she was just like my ex. That’s why I treated her like scum on the bottom of my shoe. Damn, I was such a …” He trailed off not even able to come up with a word strong enough to describe how badly he’d behaved toward her.
“Jerk?” Cassandra supplied, arching a brow at him.
“Yeah, to put it mildly,” he agreed, managing a small smile because he knew his little sister was doing her best to break the tension. “It’s why she doesn’t trust me now. I’ve proved to her that I'm not a good guy.”
“You are a good guy, Cole,” Cassandra protested.
“Maybe to you, squirt,” he said, crossing the room to ruffle her hair, making her swat a hand at him. “To all of you guys. But I wasn't to Susanna.”
“She doesn’t trust anyone, Cole. Not just you,” Willow spoke up, offering him a reassuring smile.
“I want to push so bad, find out what she’s said to you,” Cole admitted because he was as certain that Susanna had opened up to Willow as he was that Susanna was only gone now because of his choices.
“You know I won’t betray her confidence,” Willow said.
“Which is why I haven’t asked. She just feels so … alone. I know she has friends, but I never see them over here. And even after she was raped, none of the people I saw at the hospital, all people who obviously care about her, have come by to visit.” It killed him to know that she had been so lonely, and instead of sharing himself and his family with her, he’d been a coward, hiding in his apartment, hoping she would make the first move.
He should have done it.
“Sometimes, after your trust has been broken before, it’s hard to put yourself on the line again,” Willow said softly, snuggling closer into Cooper’s side. His brother ran a hand up and down Willow’s arm and touched his lips to her temple.
The sight of them together made the pain in his chest increase tenfold.
He could have had that with Susanna.
She’d been willing to give him a chance, he knew she had, she’d just been wary and uncertain about it. But if he’d gone slow, showed her in little ways that he was someone she could hand out her trust to and know that gift would be treasured and never abused, he could have gained it.
“I gave her an ultimatum,” he mumbled, dropping onto the couch beside Cassandra. “I didn't see it that way at the time, but she called me out on it, and she was right. I told her if she couldn’t open up to me, we couldn’t build a solid foundation. I walked away, knowing I was hurting her, but hoping I was pushing her to give me a chance. Because of that, she was alone this morning. It’s my fault she’s gone, and I will tear the world apart to find her and bring her home, even if she never forgives me.”
“And another one has officially fallen,” Jax said, shooting him a grin.
Cole rolled his eyes at his stepbrother even as he shoved back to his feet and headed to the table to start going through intel again. There was a lead in there somewhere, he had to believe it, and he wasn't stopping until he found it.
“If you guys want to head home that’s fine. I can keep looking for a lead on my own,” he told his siblings. While he would appreciate their help, and it would certainly make things go faster, he couldn’t expect them to care about Susanna the same way he did.
“Idiot,” Jake snapped, lightly hitting him on the back of the head. “Didn't you get what Cade was telling you?”
“Yeah, that you guys get that Susanna is important to me,” he muttered, glowering at his stepbrother.
“No. He was telling you that if Susanna is important to you then she’s family to all of us,” Jake corrected.
“We’re in this together,” Cooper told him. “Just like you all accepted Willow, we’ve all accepted Susanna. Like we told you already, every single one of us saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. You messed up, sure, we can all agree on that. But you recognized it, you're willing to work on fixing it, and you're going to fight for your girl. You just won't be fighting alone. You have your family fighting alongside you. We’ll find Susanna and we’ll bring her home.”
“Won't settle for anything less,” Jax added.
As much as he’d loved to be energized by the fact that he had his family by his side, his team there to help him comb through mountains of evidence chasing a lead that might take them hours, or days, or weeks to find, Cole couldn’t.
Susanna was out there suffering, and nothing short of bringing her home could fix that.
The possibility that by the time he found the lead that would take him to her, she could already be dead hung above his head like a weight ready to fall and crush him.
August 2 nd
4:55 P.M.
Regret.
It wasn't a feeling Susanna was accustomed to.
Of course, plenty of things had happened to her since she was a small child that she wished had never happened, but she’d always been a passive receiver of bad things. Those things had happened to her, so they weren't things she regretted per se, more just that she wished she could get a do-over of her childhood and, this time, actually get a good family.
Even the punishments she’d received for telling her teacher and then a cop what was happening to her hadn't made her regret telling. She’d been angry and hurt that she hadn't been believed, that nobody had cared enough to help her, but that wasn't regret.
At times she’d felt lonely and wished things could be different, but most of the time, she was content with the choices she’d made. It would be nice to be able to trust people and let them get close to her, but she valued her security above all else.
Wishing was a big part of her life, but never regret.
Not until now.
She sat in the near dark of her tiny cell, cold and shivering, huddled on the bed with the blanket wrapped around her as though that could ward off the danger surrounding her.
Now she was intimately acquainted with what it felt like to have regrets.
She wished that the first time Cole had called her a hooker she’d asked him what the heck he was talking about. She wished that when he’d started trying to make an effort, she’d made one too. She wished that when he’d given her the ultimatum, she’d at least given him something, even just the words that trust was next to impossible for her, but she wanted him to stay and would do her best to try if he could give her some time.
But wishes were like grains of sand, they slipped through your fingers far too easily.
Leaving you with nothing but an empty ache of regret in your chest.
There was no point in playing that game, thinking of all the what-ifs, all the things she could have done differently but knew in her heart she wouldn’t have done any different given who she was and the struggles that plagued her.
All that mattered was what happened next.
If she got out of there, she and Cole could sit down and talk things through and she could do her best to be open even as her brain would no doubt be screaming at her to hold onto her secrets with everything she had, and not risk the pain and humiliation of being called a liar.
Taking that risk had to be better than being alone.
Because when the choice of loneliness was taken out of her hands it didn't feel so safe and secure.
It just felt awful.
The sound of the door being unlocked had her straightening. Vinny was coming back. The last few times he’d been delusional but hadn't hurt her. In fact, he’d sat with her at the table and eaten meals with her, urging her to eat it all so she could grow them a nice, healthy baby.
As long as he believed she was carrying his child, Susanna was fairly certain he wouldn't lay a hand on her.
When no baby turned up that would change.
And she didn't want to still be here when that happened.
“Hello, darling,” Vinny sing-songed as he strolled into the room. This time there wasn't a tray of food in his hands. Instead, he was balancing an armful of what looked like shower products. More than that, they looked like her shower products. Those bottles looked like her favorite brands of shampoo and conditioner, body wash, and moisturizer, it even looked like her scrub brush.
Had he taken these things from her bathroom when he kidnapped her?
For a man no longer living in reality, he was trying his best to take care of her.
“I’m sure you’d love to take a nice shower and clean up a bit,” he continued as he began setting out all the products on the table. Since only cold water came out of the shower, Susanna highly doubted it would be a pleasant activity, but would she make him angry pointing that out?
“Vinny?” she asked as he lined everything up.
“Yes, darling?”
“Umm, I was wondering, do you think maybe I could take a bath instead of a shower?” While she doubted he would agree it was worth a shot. And this could be an angle she could continue to push until he did give in. If she could get out of her room, she stood a chance, but as long as she was locked up in there she was as good as dead.
“A bath?” His brow did that crinkling thing again, and she wondered just how much of the world made sense to him anymore and how much his drug-addled mind had retreated inside its own little fantasy land.
“Please.” It was weird begging her captor for anything, but she had to keep on Vinny’s good side to give herself a chance.
“I don’t … I'm not sure … it’s too dangerous out there,” he said decisively, and Susanna knew she’d lost this round.
“This water will be too cold, Vinny. For the baby,” she quickly added. While it went against her every fiber to play into this delusion, her survival depended on it.
Vinny faltered, his face falling, and she could tell he was mentally berating himself for this failure. “I’ll bring more blankets after, warmer clothes, that will help,” he announced, face brightening as he came up with his own solution.
“Okay, Vinny, I’ll shower while you go get them.” Not that she had any intention of showering, but she could put some water on her head and pretend.
“Silly woman. I'm going to wash you,” Vinny told her, giggling like a little girl.
Susanna’s stomach plummeted.
There was no way she could stand this man touching her.
Just having him in the same room, knowing what he’d done to her, was almost more than she could bear.
Still, she could already see no point in arguing with him. He’d made up his mind, and if she refused, he could lose control and hurt her.
“I can do it myself,” she said softly.
“Course you can. But it’s my job to take care of you. You and the baby. Take off your clothes.”
She couldn’t do it.
Tears welled in her eyes making the room shimmer around her.
There was no choice.
She had to do it.
Standing on shaky legs, Susanna let the blanket fall and did her best to emotionally remove herself from the situation. Her emotions didn't need to play a part, at least not now, not until she was rescued and safe. For now, she had to be as clinical as possible.
Still, it took every ounce of her strength to strip out of her sundress and underwear.
Strength she didn't know she had to refuse to cover her body as she walked to stand beneath the showerhead, accepting her fate.
The rush of icy cold water made her flinch, but she held her ground. It wasn't until his soapy hands touched her head that she lost control.
Terror gripped her.
Stealing her ability to think rationally.
All that consumed her were hazy memories of that night. Of the feeling of Vinny forcing himself inside her. Of the pain as he tore inside her dry body and slammed her head into the wall. Of the dirtiness that had clung to her for the last couple of weeks.
It was too much.
With a broken sob, she ran for the open door, consequences be damned.
She barely made it through the door, tears blurring her vision so she couldn’t even get a proper look around before surprisingly strong arms snapped around her, yanking her back.
Hands clamped on her shoulders, and she was violently shaken. “Why did you do that?” Vinny screamed so loudly it hurt her ears. “Why would you try to leave?”
“Please,” she sobbed. “Please let me go, Vinny. I want to go home.”
Crushing her against his chest, he stroked her back. “I know, darling, but you can't. This is where you're safe. Only I can keep you safe. I have to protect you. Won't let them hurt you. Won't let them. But you can't run, darling. You have to let me keep you safe.”
Safe.
What did that word even mean?
It felt so foreign.
There were zero memories of any time in her life when she had ever felt safe.
It was an illusion.
A lie.
Nowhere was safe.
No one was safe.
She was going to die, right in this room, with this crazy man, alone, cold, and scared, just like she’d spent the rest of her life.