31. Why does it have to be this way?
THIRTY-ONE
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?
TROY
During the ride in the car from where the chopper dropped Alessio and me, I chewed my nails while he drove calmly, only once in a while clenching and relaxing his hand on the manual stick shift. I’ve never seen one before, so I guess I can take that with me to Tennessee too.
My contractions were fake. Small mercies.
We veer off the road and drive toward a bridge, where one unmarked black van waits for us. It’s surreal. Feels like a prisoner exchange you’d see in a suspense movie. Hope the writer doesn’t plug in a plot twist with flying bullets. We don’t need any of that.
Alessio parks our sleek luxury car with tinted windows next to the black van with even more tinted windows. I try to make out the driver, but he’s wearing black on black and sunglasses. The van’s back door slides open, and I shift in my seat, expecting someone to come out. No one does.
“Your move,” Alessio says.
“You parked too close to the van.” As in right next to it.
“Too close for what?” Alessio asks.
“For me to get out. My belly won’t fit.”
A tiny smile tugs his lips, and he softens his gaze. “Your belly will fit.”
“No really. It’s too close.”
“You’ll make it.” Blue eyes settle on me, and I think Alessio is saying goodbye in the only way he knows how. No hugs. No handshakes even. I have to read his expression and tone, but mostly his actions. That’s how this man communicates.
Since it’s hard to communicate with him, I’m unsure if he’s saying he didn’t park too close (he did), and I’ll make it out of the car fine or if he’s commenting on my life and that I’ll make it out of this messy situation. Maybe both. I’d like to think both. I’d like to think Alessio still has a heart. He sure cares about Shark.
“You’re a great friend, you know that?” I say. It’s not a question.
Alessio stares.
“I would want to have you in my corner is all I’m saying.”
“You will have your family, and I will have mine.”
Cold feet. Cold feet. COLD FEET. “What if I stayed?” I whisper.
“Too late.”
“Let me stay with you. I don’t want to… I want to see him again.”
“Too complicated.”
“Please, Alessio.”
“Get out of the fucking car.”
I push the door, which opens all the way so I can step out comfortably. I lift my middle finger at Alessio, then slam the door just as someone else slams the door on the other side of the van.
My brother comes around the front of the van. “Troy?” He pauses, then rushes me. “Oh my God, Troy!”
“Denver!” I hug him awkwardly, then find a better position for my belly and clutch my brother for dear life. I start to cry uncontrollably, great big sobs. I’m mostly relieved that this long and exhausting ordeal is over and I’m with someone who smells familiar and hugs me the way my family hugs me because they love me.
Somewhere in the background, I hear Alessio’s car peel away.
It’s not until I’m on a jet flying back home that I fully comprehend what occurred under the bridge. Someone from the police station brought Shark to Alessio in exchange for me. And that was it.
I’m never going to see Shark again.
I start feeling hollow in my chest. The hollowness means I left my heart back there. But then I’m pissed. That bastard. I’m madder with Shark now than I’ve ever been before, and the highs and lows of how I feel about leaving and returning home are giving me whiplash.
Didn’t I want to go home? Don’t I want to be with my family?
Sure I do. I can’t wait to see my mom and dad. My brothers, Amy, people from church, and my pets. But at the same time, I’m sad that it came at the cost of never again seeing the man who’s made all the difference in my life.
I rub my belly. In our lives. To think my baby will never know her daddy, and when I say daddy, I mean the man to whom she owes her life, because let’s face it, if Miroslav hadn’t been on the yacht that day, the baby and I wouldn’t have made it. Not with the way my thoughts were darkening with every passing day. Not with the way Fis was looking at me like he wanted to have me.
And certainly not if La Falena sold us.
Why can’t I have both Shark and my old life?
Why can’t I have it all?