7. Jaxon
Thousands of miles separate me from my heart. That’s what Lia is, she’s one half of my heart and our baby girl is the other. I see her in my dreams, she’s crying and broken. I did that to her. In my heart, I know that I’ve ruined everything and there’s probably no going back. Fuck my life. Deployments and being away from home have never been this hard before. Guess I was too busy thinking with my dick for distance to matter, and that’s the problem. She was at home being a good wife, while I was being a dumbass. So many people say that wives are the ones who cheat when their husbands are away. I’m proof for all the idiots who say that. Not all the wives cheat. I have had an amazing woman by my side since we were just teenagers, and I took it for granted. Secrets and lies, they’ve destroyed me piece by piece.
My soul is unbelievably tarnished. I’m disgusted with the things that I have done. There are some things that Ellie could potentially forgive me for. But there’s one huge thing that I know she’ll never forgive me for. If she finds out what I’ve done, she will hate me. There will be no coming back from what I’ve done, and I can’t blame her. I just can’t be the one to tell her. Knowing that it’ll hurt her more than anything I’ve ever done breaks my heart. All it took was one phone call a few weeks before this deployment. Talking to them changed everything. Everything I’ve ever thought, ever known. Then I went and spoke to the chaplain. I thought that he was going to judge me. I’d judge myself too. For once in my damn life, I had a man set me on the right path. It’ll be too late for me. In the end, I know that.
We’re coming up on the end of this deployment. It’s been a long five and a half months. Being away from Lia and Blakely has made me realize how fucked up I’ve been all these years. Honestly, I realized before deployment, but I was too much of a coward. I wasn’t man enough to correct some of the wrongs I’ve done. I have treated Lia like shit for a very long time. She’s never deserved my lies or cheating. Lia deserves better than me, but there’s no way I’ll ever be able to let her go. I’m a worthless, selfish piece of shit, though. I should have told her the truth years ago. She has to be suspicious of me and my behavior. I swore to myself that when I got back home, I’d make a real effort. I want to change. I need to change. I have to tell her the truth, even if it kills me and destroys what we have for good. If I hadn”t listened to Ben all those years ago, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I can’t blame anyone but myself, though. Every single fucked up thing that I’ve ever done is all my fault. I’ve done even more than Ben and Lach know about. I’m so damn disgusted with myself.
Christina keeps messaging me, telling me that she’s pregnant. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth. All I know is that she’s been trying to get me away from Lia for years. She wasn’t the only one, either. Chris was just a warm hole to stick my dick in. I’ve never loved her, never wanted more with her or anyone else, for that matter. I sure as hell never wanted to leave my wife for her. That shit would never happen in a million years. If she is pregnant with my baby, I’m fucked. There’s no going back from that. Lia will leave me and never look back. Shit I’m already fucked if she finds out what else I’ve done. I wouldn’t blame her for it, though. I know I’m a hypocrite, but I couldn’t be with her if she cheated on me. I’ve been her one and only. No one’s ever been between those perfect tan thighs or tasted that perfect pussy besides me. I’m going to hell.
I’ve been sitting on my bunk for hours now. The need to put pen to paper is eating at me. Something in my heart is telling me that I need to write Lia a letter sooner rather than later. We’ve been waiting on intel about a high value target for a while now. Once we get what we need, we’ll be kicking down doors. But something hasn’t been sitting well with me for a while now, before we even deployed. And if I’m being honest, my head is just not in the game.
If I don’t do this now, I probably never will. If something were to happen to me, my angel needs to know the truth, the parts I can tell her at least.
Illiana, my dear, sweet angel. There are so many things that I need to tell you. If you are receiving this letter, that means that I won’t be coming home from this deployment. I tried, I really did. And I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am for not making it back to you….