Shielding Aubree (The Shield #1)

Chapter 4

4

T o say that her first day had a rough start was an understatement.

Henley woke her up with a gentle shake.

The cool touch of the bathroom tiles against her skin made her feel like she was back in the hospital.

"Henley?"

"Hey there... I was worried about you. I expected to see you at breakfast."

Aubree opened her eyes and looked around the bathroom.

The whole room was white and brightly lit giving her the feeling of space around her. Space that she needed.

"What... what time is it?"

The sweet expression on Henley's face made Aubree feel even worse. "It's almost eleven."

Aubree started to sit up only to feel a stab of pain in her back.

Pain that took her breath away.

"Okay, breathe, Aubree. Slow. In for two and out for two."

Aubree saw stars in her vision, and she could feel her hands gripping onto Henley's arms like a lifeline.

"In for two," Henley prompted her.

And Aubree followed her cues, but a moment behind the count.

"Out for two."

Her heart started to slow inside her chest.

The frantic rhythm slowing down.

It was only when her heart wasn't pounding like a racehorse that she could put words together and speak with any sort of coherent thoughts.

"I'm... sorry. I... overslept."

Henley spoke to her as she helped her sit up.

"This isn't a test," Henley gave her a gentle smile. "You're not going to lose points if you're late for breakfast."

Aubree moved her legs so that she was sitting on the tile with her legs crossed in front her like she used to do as a child.

As soon as the world stopped swimming around her, she looked up at Henley. "I came here to get help. For my body and my memory, but I can't see how I'm going to get that help if I don't show up."

"Well, we can start our first session right here."

Aubree lifted a brow. "Really?"

"Of course. I have some time before my next in-office session so we can get a good start now."

Aubree nodded, grateful for Henley's demeanor and understanding. "Okay."

"Why don't you tell me why I found you in your bathroom this morning?"

Aubree tensed up, not sure what Henley would think if she admitted just how little rest she'd had the night before.

"When the accident happened. Was it night or day when you woke up in the car?"

"The first memory I had was at night." Aubree felt as if the word had been pulled out of her throat. "I couldn't see anything, but the air was cool around me even though my skin felt a little like I was on fire."

Silence followed her words and Aubree looked at Henley, seeing the concern on her face.

"What... What's wrong?"

"Do you always make yourself small? Your emotions? Your experiences?'

Aubree's instinct was to blurt out a NO.

To smile and wave off the question.

To look Henley in the eye and tell her that everything was okay.

That she was just fine.

"You don't have to minimize your feelings, Aubree. You don't have to feel anything little. You can give yourself permission to feel things full strength."

"I remember," Aubree's voice felt soft and gentle rising from her throat. "I remember hearing my mother tell my father that she was okay, but I could see pain in the lines of her face." The memories were floating to the surface. "I think she was in labor with my younger brother Pablo, but my older brothers and my dad were heading out with the Boy Scouts for camp.

"Of course, she had to pack food for them, for the drive.

"The boys were always looking forward to the things she'd pack and my dad, too, but he let my brother beg and plead for them, knowing my mom wouldn't let them down.

"I remember watching her wince and melt away. She'd fan herself with the packing list that she'd gone over two or three times."

Aubree could hear the relief in her voice, but there was still a sadness that had settled inside her as she remembered the scene in their kitchen.

"When my father asked her how she was feeling, she'd smiled at him and told him she was just a little uncomfortable. And that she'd sit down and relax after they'd left for camp. He placed a kiss on her forehead before nudging my brothers out the door."

"We can minimize our pain sometimes to make it easier for others to go along with their lives. We think we're making it easier for others to be around us, but sometimes we shortchange them. And sometimes we assume that they wouldn't choose to be around us if-"

"They think that we're more trouble than we're worth."

Aubree murmured the words, and it took a few seconds before she could lift her gaze to look at Henley.

"But what if we're really just trying to spare them concern or pain?"

Henley looked off to the side and nodded slowly. "That is a valid question, isn't it?"

It took Aubree a second to agree before she froze and shook her head. "I was doing it again."

Henley smiled as she shrugged. "Maybe. But what if you were? Did you mean it? Or were you doing it to spare my feelings? To make me think that my feelings are valid."

"I don't know." Aubree lifted a hand and rubbed at the center of her chest over her sternum. "I think much of what we do... what I do is meant to make other people feel better." She took another deep breath and let it out. "I know when I joined the force, my parents were supportive.

"It wasn't a surprise to them. I'd made no secret of my plans. Since I was a little girl, I'd told my family that I was going to be a police officer. Well, that, or world-famous singer, but that only lasted for a couple of months until I realized I'd need to know how to sing. Still, I think my parents and my brothers assumed that it was just wishful thinking, but I announced that I was going to the Police Academy and that's when I think they knew I wasn't just thinking about it. I was doing it."

Henley nodded. "How did they take it?"

"I think my dad took it the hardest. My brothers who were already in the Los Alamos Police joked about me going straight to the big leagues. My mother cried a little, but she'd done that when my older brothers had joined up. But I knew they were concerned because I was a woman. The Chief of the Los Alamos Police Department told me he was glad that I'd chosen to go with the State Police because it was less of a liability for him."

Emotions welled up at that moment.

Emotions that she hadn't expected to be there and would have knocked her on her ass if she wasn't already sitting on it.

A single tear spilled onto her cheek and then another and soon she was gasping for breath and holding onto Henley.

Henley didn't ask her any questions, she just held onto her and rubbed gently over her back. Her movements slowed as Aubree's sobs slowed and then they ceased.

"How are you feeling?"

Inhaling a breath, Aubree let it out slowly and did it again. When she was done, she looked at Aubree and nodded.

"Better."

Henley's smile was warm and genuine.

Aubree had seen her share of fake but that wasn't the case with Henley.

"It kind of hit me. That feeling."

Henley gently touched her arm.

"The LAPD Chief. He saw both of my brother join the force and stood over both of their coffins. I wonder if he was thinking of them as liabilities, too." She drew another breath in through her nose, keeping as calm as she could. "Is he really that callus?"

"How are we to know what's in his heart?" Henley looked her in the eye and didn't flinch. "The most important thing to do is to keep yourself from being callus, Aubree. You can't control what's in the hearts of others."

"Or," Aubree added, "if they have hearts at all."

"True." Henley nodded. "Very true. Those are the worst kinds of people, but there's no way to change others. All we can do is work on ourselves."

"We can't change them, but we can help bring justice to people who hurt others. At the same time we bring justice to the people they hurt."

"Is that why you want to go back to working for the State Police?'

Aubree rocked back a little and then sat up straighter, working out some of the stiffness in her back. "Honestly?"

"Of course."

"I want to go back for a number of reasons, but the thought that's in my head the most is that I'm not a quitter. I became a police officer because I wanted to serve the people. I want to protect people, but I also believe that means bringing people to justice when they hurt others. It's not just something I want to do. I really feel like it's always been inside me."

Henley nodded. "I understand. I really do. It's more than just an interest, it's a driving force."

Aubree smiled and nodded. "Yes. Absolutely. That's what I've always felt. I've just never put it into words before."

"Why do you suppose you haven't until now?"

A smile touched Aubree's lips, and she barely held back a laugh when she answered Henley. "With only men in my family sharing my job, my calling, I didn't want to say something that sounded so... touchy-feely. I was always afraid that they'd hear what I had to say and end up laughing at it."

"You think your father and your brothers would have laughed at you?"

Aubree hissed in a breath through her teeth. "Not to make fun of me or cause me any pain. They're not like that."

"Then in what way?"

"I..." Aubree hesitated before she spoke again, "I guess I never really thought about it."

Henley sat there quietly, waiting for something.

"I guess I didn't want to know what they felt about it. Really felt about it. It's easier to just ignore the thought than find out the answer isn't something I wanted to know." Aubree exhaled in a sigh. "I want my family to believe in me, but I'm not sure that I believed in them not to hurt me in return."

Aubree felt a kind of gnawing in her stomach and lifted a hand to cover her belly. Almost the very moment that she set her palm down on her middle, her stomach growled.

Loudly.

Aubree and Henley looked at each other for a long moment before they both laughed.

"Well," Henley managed to say when she was able to breathe through her laughter, "let's go get you something to eat."

Henley got on her feet first but waited for Aubree to ask for help if she needed it.

Aubree didn't, but she used the counter to steady herself when she was almost to her feet. "Lunch sounds great," she admitted. "Especially since I missed breakfast."

"Sometimes schedules around here will change. We can adapt things to cover your needs if we need to."

Aubree nodded. "I don't want to miss my chance to get to the pool today. I have a feeling that it's going to be another game changer."

Ruben found himself pacing the pool deck, waiting for Aubree to arrive. He'd been thinking about her since they'd met and wanted to learn more about her.

In just the few minutes that they'd interacted he'd found a deep respect for her.

It was something inherent in meeting their clients. There was something inspiring in meeting people who had gone through terrible things and found the courage not just to live but to want to make things better. To strive for more than just putting one figurative foot in front of the other.

They were always a constant source of inspiration for him, even though he'd gone through similar challenges.

Actually, they were an inspiration because he'd gone through things.

It made every day extra special for him, but there was something he felt welling up inside of him from the moment he woke up that morning.

He'd even made the effort to go to breakfast to catch a glimpse of her.

And didn't. Finn and Henley invited him to sit with them as they went over the schedules for the day, and he'd joined them and managed to avoid Henley's pointed questions.

It was Finn who'd gotten him to talk.

"I heard you met Aubree yesterday."

"Mmmhmm." He'd taken a sip of coffee and set the cup down on the tabletop but didn't let go of the handle just yet in case he needed a shield.

"Did you know about her before she came to The Refuge?"

Ruben's hand flexed around the handle of the mug. "The situation. Sure. Her name? No. The story around the crash was pretty mysterious."

Finn moved his gaze to his wife before returning it to Ruben. "I think it's almost a... a-"

"Crazy, random, happenstance?"

Robert, the chef at the facility sat down at the table and set a basket of piping hot English Muffins down in the middle. Individual pats of butter and small packets of jelly were also in the cloth lined wicker baskets. "Sorry to butt in. I heard what you folks were talking about."

Finn nodded and nudged the basket closer to his wife. "Honey?"

Henley picked one out and put it on her plate, taking a packet of strawberry jam before giving her husband a sweet smile.

Finn took out an English muffin and set it on his plate with no condiments along with it.

The basket came to Ruben next, and he picked up one of the muffins and held it in his hands, warming himself with the delicate bread and sighing as the steam curled up into the air near his face. "You spoil us, Robert."

The chef shrugged, but didn't hide his own pride at his accomplishments.

He wasn't full of himself, but it was good that he didn't try to hide his skills. Or shy away from acknowledging them.

Ruben looked at the Chef. "Have you seen Aubree in this morning?"

Robert shook his head. "No, but I've been mostly in the kitchen since before we opened for service today. I'd like to meet her and offer my condolences for her brothers."

"Her brothers?" Ruben hadn't looked at the family section of the file. Medical, sure, but he hadn't meant to pry into the more personal aspects of her life. If it became a part of their sessions or other conversations, he wanted to learn about it from her.

He saw Robert share a look with Finn. And Finn shrugged.

Robert looked back at Ruben and let out a breath. “I’ve met her father a few times over the years. Good man. Great officer with the local PD. So when the name Cueva popped up in the newspaper I had to read about it.”

Finn nodded at Robert. “It’s in her file, you can tell him.”

“Her two older brothers were killed while on duty for the Los Alamos Police. Diego, the eldest of all the Cueva kids was shot on duty. Jacinto was killed in a car accident.”

Ruben felt his breath catch in his chest. “All three of them?”

Finn’s frown caught his attention. “What do you mean?”

“All three kids were involved hurt and killed?”

Finn shook his head. “There are four kids in her family. She’s got a younger brother.”

Relief flooded Ruben’s chest. “Good. I’m glad she isn’t the last one left.”

Robert nodded. “Antonio, her father, is all about his family. I sent food over to the house after both funerals.”

Ruben didn’t want her to have to dredge up the deaths of her brothers, but if she wanted to he’d be there. He didn’t have siblings, but he’d wanted one when he was growing up so he wouldn’t be so lonely. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose two siblings so close to each other and on the job that she was trying to go back to.

He wouldn’t bring it up in their conversations. Whether or not she felt comfortable in a pool didn’t have a thing to do with her past. He had a responsibility and a deep need to help her move forward. If she opened up with him about her family and her past, he would be happy to hear it.

It meant that she trusted him enough to open up. That she wanted to share her feelings with him.

He might be helping with her physical recovery, but he also liked her. And that meant that he'd be careful of how much they got to know each other.

The conversation had ebbed and flowed from there until Henley got up to check on a client and Robert went back to the kitchen to start breaking down from breakfast and get ready for lunch. "So what are your plans for Aubree at the pool?"

"Building her strength and improving her stamina. I know she's here to recuperate and get back on the force, but I'm concerned that she needs to up her core strength before she tries to punish herself too much with workouts to build strength."

"What do you think about her medical records?"

Ruben looked across the table at Finn. "Did you hear that from Brick?"

Finn swallowed the bite he had in his mouth and leaned in closer to the table. "He's not the only one who gets security alert when codes are used to access the records room. I think he's happy that you're taking an interest in this case."

Ruben knew he could hide his connection to Aubree, but he didn't want to. He wouldn't try to ask her out on the clock or even when she was a client at The Refuge, but he didn't want to hide his feelings from Finn or Brick.

They'd probably already picked up on it since there really wasn't much that escaped their notice.

"She's strong, but I don't think she gives herself credit for that strength. I don't even think she allows herself to be weak when those moments happen." Ruben moved then, stretching his back. "I know how it feels."

Finn nodded. "It's different, you know."

Ruben narrowed his eyes at Finn. "What's different?"

Just the hint of a smile touched Finn's lips. "When you find the one."

Those words were echoing in his head when the doors to the pool opened up and he turned.

Aubree walked out of the pool house dressed in something that looked like a wet suit. No, not exactly that, but Ruben wasn't exactly versed in the names of women's swimwear.

She had her hair pulled back from her face in a low ponytail and her feet were stuffed into her boots, but he could tell that there weren't any socks on her feet.

She wasn't looking at him directly. Her brow lifted and her eyes diverted from his, just beyond his shoulder. "I borrowed some swim stuff from Henley. I told her I was probably going to stretch it out in the hips, but she said it was okay."

"You look fine."

Which was a fucking understatement.

Sure, Henley wasn't the same size or shape as Aubree, but the kind of swimsuit she was wearing wasn't a typical one piece. It was a long-sleeved rash guard shirt which protected from UV rays. Her pants were like workout leggings and looked like a second skin, but he wasn't about to draw any attention to it.

He knew that she'd be self-conscious about it, and he wanted to keep her focus on other things.

Ruben started to walk toward her because he needed to keep his focus off of the fit of her clothes as well. He wasn't trying to creep on her, but he was only a man and physically it would be impossible to hide his reaction if he allowed himself to become aroused.

Fighting it was going to be an impossibility, but he could probably delay it long enough to get in the water.

He could only pray.

"Glad you came."

She rocked back on her heels, the motion giving him insight into the excitement she felt and a little look back at what kind of a child she'd been. That joy and excitement made him smile.

She instantly smiled back.

Beautiful.

That was the first thought in his head.

Gorgeous.

Yeah. He couldn't keep his thoughts on track.

Think, man, think.

"You remember," she sounded a little breathy, and more than a little nervous, "that I told you that I'm not much of a swimmer."

He nodded. "It's not a problem."

"Well, I might have exaggerated," she held up her hand with her thumb and her forefinger in a circle that had about an inch between the tips of her fingers, "more than a little."

Ruben had to move to keep his board shorts from growing too tight. He gestured toward the steps down into the shallow end of the pool and walked over, putting his feet in the water.

The cool rush of liquid around his legs eased a little of the thickening erection developing down one thigh.

He didn't call attention to it when Aubree toed off her boots and stepped into the water beside him.

He saw her shiver and he reached out.

His hand rubbed gently along her upper arm trying to offer support and help her warm up. "Exactly how much of an exaggeration?"

She smiled at him, but it was a self-conscious expression, her lips thinning into a pale line against the warm tan of her complexion. "I nearly drowned in a pool with I was a kid. Since then I've gotten into pools to sit there and keep cool, but I don't think I've ever had to swim. Ever."

He thought about it for a minute, seeing her cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

"Well, I'd say you're in luck."

She leaned back a little, her eyes widening. "How so?"

"I wasn't going to ask you to swim."

Aubree frowned, her forehead creasing. "We're not going to swim?"

He saw her gaze sweep around the pool deck including the water she was standing in.

"Uh... okay?"

He smiled and felt his chest swell with joy. There was just something about her...

"We're going to take a walk."

He saw her process his words and the subtle frown that touched her features.

When she turned to step out of the pool he acted on instinct and caught her hand in his.

She turned her head to look at him and damn, he'd never seen someone so beautiful.

And vulnerable.

"In the pool, Aubree."

He gave her hand what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze.

"We're going to walk in the pool."

She looked at him as if he was a little bit of crazy. "Why would we walk in a pool ?"

“It's a great way to build strength but also to ease the pull of gravity on your spine. Walking or running outside of a pool, you get the full weight of gravity pulling you down. The impact on the ground jars your body. Having the buoying effect of water helps you work without all the hurt that would be involved without it. So I'd like to have you walk with me across the pool."

She turned her head to look at the far side of the pool. "That's got to be what? Eight feet?"

"You're one of those people."

She frowned instantly. "What?"

"Fuck," he swore softly under his breath. "That's not what I meant. Or at least not what I meant to say." He sighed and shook his head. "You're a literal person. Your focus is fairly linear in nature. I told you we're walking across the pool and you thought the length of it."

She nodded, slowly. He felt like she was considering the words.

Then she smiled. "So we're walking across the pool at the same depth."

He nodded and realized that he was still holding her hand.

He knew he had to let it go but not just yet.

Ruben kept a hold of it and took a step down into the pool. "I'll help you in. I don't want you to slip."

Her smile brightened more than his day. It brightened his whole outlook on life.

Finn' words slipped back into his head as she grasped his hand tighter and stepped deeper into the pool.

He kept his focus on her and saw the way her smile deepened the further she got into the pool. Once she had both feet on the floor of the pool she let out a breath and smiled.

Ruben had to let go of her hand then. There really wasn't a reason to keep holding her hand.

He lowered his hands into the water and flexed the hand that had just held hers. He hoped that it didn't look obvious.

She walked along beside him, moving her hands through the water.

The joy that he could feel rolling off of her was like a live wire arcing through him.

Electric and wild.

They got to a point where she was in the water up to the undersides of her breasts.

He gestured for her to walk across the short end of the pool and watched her expression.

The first few steps were just fine.

The real reaction happened as they made their way back across the pool in the other direction.

He watched through his peripheral vision as she lifted her face into the sun.

"I don't feel the pain."

She turned her face toward him, beaming with joy. "Normally when I walk, I just..." A smile played across lips. "I just grin and bear it."

He nodded.

"I told Henley earlier that I felt like this was going to be a game changer today."

He looked at her, nodding. It certainly was a game changer for him.

They turned and started to walk back toward the other side of the pool, and she let out a sigh that was all joy. "This feels amazing."

Yes . Ruben nodded. Yes, it did.