Chapter 6
6
I t took a few days for them to return to the subject of her time in the car after the accident. She was exhausted from all of the activities she'd signed up for.
Ruben was wondering if she was pushing herself or punishing herself.
Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference.
He'd struggled with the same issues himself.
Probably not for the same reason, but struggles were different for each person.
Aubree didn't just walk through the water, she pushed through it, moving faster and faster until she was almost running, bringing her knees up higher as she went.
Ruben had stopped walking with her and stood back to watch.
There was little chance of her falling or slipping below the surface of the water, but it wasn't impossible.
So he stood there and watched her pushing through the water.
It was after at least a dozen crossings back and forth that Aubree seemed to realize that he wasn't walking with her.
She came to a stop a few feet short of where he was standing.
She dragged breath after breath in and out of her body while she looked at him.
"What's going on?"
He didn't react to the shortness of her tone or the hard look in her eyes.
She wasn't really upset with him.
It wasn't a guess. He'd been through this himself and had other clients take that tone with him before. It had been explained to him as one of the 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
To Ruben it was exactly what it seemed.
Anger.
It came raging in sometimes like a wildfire.
Or there were the times when it was like you stepped on a tack. A single moment of pain could set off anger like a firecracker.
And then there were the times when it was seething under the surface like a volcanic eruption where a crack in the earth's crust opened and lava just started to bleed out all over the ground.
Anger was anger.
There didn't even have to be a reason for it.
But it did need somewhere to go.
"Oh, so you're just going to ignore me?"
There was an element of pain in her voice. That hurt him.
He could deal with her anger swinging at him like cudgel.
But the idea that he was hurting her?
That made him ache.
"I'm not ignoring you, Aubree. I was just waiting for you to slow down a little and give me a chance to talk to you."
She gestured at the area around them, her hands lifting up and then falling down to her sides. Her fingertips connected with the water in the pool, and she took a step back in shock.
Ruben was ready to reach out and take her hand to keep her from falling backwards into the water, but she didn't want to be touched.
She stepped back and away from him and glared at his head as if her gaze alone could punch holes in his head.
"Well, I'm standing still so that should be slow enough. Right?"
He stopped himself from nodding.
There was bound to be some kind of explosion and a twinge of pain in his back reminded him that he'd dealt with that before.
And lived to tell the tale.
"You're not talking."
"And you're not in a mood to talk." He gave her a nod without a hint of a smile. Ruben turned to walk toward the side of the pool closer to the shallow end.
He made it a couple of steps until the water splashed behind him and droplets of water rained down across his back.
"Really? You're just going to walk away?"
He didn't turn around and kept walking until he was within arm's reach of her.
"I'm sorry!"
He didn't hear the anger anymore.
He heard the pain.
And he heard the panic in her voice.
Shit.
"Aubree."
He turned around and saw her standing there in the same place, her face in her hands.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to be an ass."
"It's not like that. I mean I don't think like that."
She shook her head. “I didn't want to argue." Her shoulders sagged forward. "I didn't want to make you mad."
He moved back through the water, hating the weight of four feet of chlorinated water dragging against him. "I'm not mad, Aubree. Not by a long shot."
"I was a total bitch to you."
"Whoa. No. No." As awkward as it was, he couldn't do more than slosh through the waist high water. "Aubree, look at me. Please. Look at me."
She cracked her fingers apart and he could see her eyes through the thin windows available to him.
For a moment he wondered if she hid like that when she was a child and feeling shy or feeling guilty.
"You don't have to... hide from me."
"Maybe," her voice faded a little, "I'm just hiding from the mess my life has become."
He reached her then, and before he could think better of it, he reached out and put his hands on her upper arms. She was wearing the long-sleeved rash guards to keep the direct sun off of her skin, but he could feel the strength of her body under his hands.
Aubree was a police officer for the state of New Mexico, and she had all of the training that went with it.
"What's messy, Aubree? Tell me."
"Messy?" She drew in a breath and let it out. "Let's start with the fact that I just got an email from the prosecutor’s office stating that unless we can provide concrete proof of evidence against a half-dozen defendants that doesn't involve my testimony, they might have to drop the cases against them."
Ruben narrowed his eyes, confused and frustrated for her. “They can't demand your memory back."
"Which is what I told them. The neurologists that came in and examined me have already gone on record with the court that my memory might come back whenever it feels like it. Or," she huffed out a breath, "it might never come back. I've gone through the cases that they're talking about. My reports are on point. I know how to write a report that will stand up in court. I have body camera footage. We've even got physical evidence to support the charges. I remember these cases. I've been quizzed within an inch of my life." She lifted up her hand and tapped the tip of her forefinger against her temple. "But because I'm missing twelve hours of a day that has nothing to do with their cases, their lawyers think that they can imply that my other memories can't be trusted either."
"That doesn't make any sense."
She smiled at his denial. "That's what I say. It's what the prosecutor says, but the judge wants to be cautious. Two of the cases involve murders. One is a stalking case which is already a tough sell because of the judge that it's in front of. But they're arguing that memory is subjective."
Ruben lifted a hand to the back of his head and scratched at a phantom itch. "But if they can't trust your memory, why aren't they making the case on your reports, physical evidence, and bodycam?"
"Because it's all linked to me and while they could put me on the stand to authenticate it and my evidentiary procedures, again it comes down to whether or not they can trust me since I've got that gap in my head."
Ruben heard all of the words and shook his head. "I can't blame you for being mad."
"But I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
He shrugged. "I'm fair game. You can yell at me if you need to."
"No," she shook her head, "it's not fair to you. And I am... sorry. You didn't need my mood today."
He smiled at her and then gestured off to the side of the pool. "I've had worse. It goes with the job."
"That's crap."
Aubree's cheeks warmed.
"Thank goodness my parents aren't here to hear that."
"You're a grown woman. I'm sure you can say what you want while you're here." He grinned at her. "No one I know would tell on you."
"I'd rather not. When it's easy to spit out those words in my private life it can sometimes come out in my professional one. The last thing I want to say on my bodycam is a questionable comment that could be misconstrued."
"I can see that." He smiled even more. "I bet you kick ass on the force."
Her smile faded. "I did." She nodded and bit into her bottom lip so hard that he felt the pain. When she let it go, he took in a breath. "I really did."
Ruben reached out to her and put his hands on her shoulders, holding her still. "And you will again. You will."
She looked up into his eyes and he felt the world fall away.
The rush of water across his lower body didn't make it easier for him to hold onto his libido. If anything the rushing sensation only stirred it up to a more fevered pitch.
And just when he was ready to pull away and step back, her hands moved to his chest, her palms moving up and over his pecs and onto his shoulders.
She opened her lips, and her tongue swept over her bottom lip.
And fuck, if that didn't make him think of her tongue sweeping over... other things.
Aubree leaned in closer, her eyes hooding as her gaze touched on his mouth.
A kiss.
His mind and... other parts went there.
He just wanted a kiss.
But he knew if he went there, he wouldn't want to stop.
He was already painfully hard, and they hadn't even touched each other in a way that was more intimate than just their hands.
She was close enough for him to feel her breath across his lips.
They were a heartbeat from the point of no return.
"Aubree."
Oh God.
Her lips parted and her eyes closed.
He wanted to lean into it.
He wanted to hold tight and meet her more than halfway, but he couldn't.
Not if he wanted to be able to look himself in the mirror.
"Aubree, stop."
He tightened his hold on her shoulders and slid his hands down to her upper arms holding her back.
Her eyes were hazy at first and then they cleared.
"Wha-at?"
He hated to say it, but he had to. "Aubree, we can't."
It killed him to watch her come around. She'd been in the same trance-like state that he'd been in, but seeing her shake herself awake...
Reality crashed into her like a pitcher of ice-cold water dropped in her lap.
He hated to see the pain and sorrow in her eyes.
"Oh my God. I'm sorry."
She tried to pull away from him and he wouldn't let her.
Couldn't let her.
If he did, he knew that whatever thoughts she had in her head would echo in her mind over and over and he'd never be able to bridge the gap with her again.
"Aubree. Look. At. Me."
She lifted her head and fixed her gaze on his, and her jaw had become a hard line. "Why? You don't have to let me down easy. I made a mistake. I got it. You don't have to worry about me trying to kiss you again."
She tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn't let her go.
For one crazy, idiotic moment she considered flipping him right over her shoulder.
And she could have, but that had been before the car accident.
If she tried it now, she was likely to do permanent damage to herself.
Thankfully she had enough self-preservation to try and brush it off.
It was easier that way.
"Let. Me. Go."
Ruben let her go, but he did it slowly so she could keep on her feet. "Aubree. Please, let's talk."
"No." She turned away and realized how stupid it was. She was facing the side of the pool that didn't have steps or a ladder.
There was no way that she could heft herself over the edge of the pool in any way that looked like she knew what she was doing.
"Aubree, please."
She turned and struggled to keep her expression neutral.
She really felt like a complete mess.
She'd tried to kiss Ruben!
Sure, she'd thought that there was a connection between them, maybe even a flirtation of some sort, but to try and kiss him?
She bit the inside of her cheek and leaned into the pain. Pain kept her focused.
It kept her from crying and whining about her incredible embarrassing mistake.
Aubree could see the look in his eyes. He was trying to find a way to be kind.
That's just the way he was.
And she'd been ready not just to cross the line with him, but she'd been ready to jump over it and that would have been a disaster.
"Hey, can we talk about this?"
She wanted to make him happy, but she didn't trust herself not to make a mess out that, too.
"I think we can both agree that I've been out of line today." She managed a smile and hoped that it didn't make her look manic. "Why don't I go and get out of your hair and maybe if you can find a way to trust me again, we can continue to work together."
Aubree searched his eyes and hoped to find some kind of grace there.
It was almost worse for her guilty conscience that he seemed to be capable of that and more.
The look in his eyes and the set of his expression made it clear that he didn't see her in a bad light.
He looked, at least to her, like he didn't blame her at all.
He was too good for words.
"Why don't you come over here," he gestured toward the side of the pool where he was standing. "You've been working yourself incredibly hard and I'm worried that you might have worked yourself too hard today. I want to make sure that you're safe in case your legs go weak."
Weak.
Well that was one way to say it.
She'd felt that way over and over since she'd arrived at The Refuge. When her dreams weren't filled with fear and darkness, she'd found Ruben in her thoughts. The warmth of his smile and his touch had brought her through some of the darkest times when she found herself shaking and crying.
And maybe that's where she'd gone wrong.
As much as she'd messed up, she was, as Ruben had said, a grown woman.
She knew that she could and should act that way. Be a woman who knew how to focus on the right things.
Her recovery.
Her rehabilitation.
And that meant not to make things difficult for him.
He'd asked her to come to his side of the pool.
So she did.
She walked across the pool to the side, keeping more than an arm's length away from him, but before either of them could say anything she looked at him and saw his back as he reached out to grab the towels from a lounge chair on the deck.
"How did you..."
Ruben turned around and looked at her, his expression open and curious. "How did I..."
She shook her head as she took a towel from him. "I'm sorry. I was going to ask you about your scars, but I haven't given you all that much information about me or mine, so I know that it's kind of rich for me to even ask-"
"I was working a job with some of the men in my unit of the Army." He lifted the towel to his hair and rubbed a little of the water out of it before draping it over his shoulders. "One of the younger guys was tired of listening to the 'old men' in the unit. We operated with a lot of caution. You have to do that if you work with demolitions. And Chuck? He was a little bit of an ass. We didn't want him on our team, but the brass didn't want to hear it.
"Apparently someone owed his father for something so Chuck, which is what we called him because we wanted to Chuck him out of the unit. He thought we called him that because he liked to laugh."
She smiled softly. "Chuckles?"
"That's how we got away with the nickname."
Aubree used her towel to gently blot her exposed skin.
"It was his laughter that I heard right before the explosion." She saw Ruben's whole expression sink. "He'd always talked about the fireworks displays that his father let him set off at home, so from what they could gather later when they went through his things, is that he wanted to show us that we'd been sidelining him unfairly. He'd used his father's money and contacts to bring in incendiaries and put on a show that the base would never forget."
They were in water shallow enough to hop up on the edge of the deck. She looked at him from her seat beside him and saw the pain etched into his features.
"We lost a man that day. A good man from Oklahoma. I had to miss the funeral, but I sent a letter to his family to tell them how much I liked John. How much I learned from him. They had to wait to put my spine together until the swelling went down and they could assess what happened to all the soft tissues and see what had happened to my nerves."
She wanted to reach out and touch him. To soothe the tension she saw in his shoulders and the painful pinch of the muscles in his jaw.
"You're walking again."
He smiled at her, and she felt the growing heat in her cheeks. "Doing more than just walking, but it’s a good thing to remember where I came from." He reached a hand around to his back and while she couldn't see what he was doing, she knew he was tracing his fingertips over the scars that she'd seen. "It's a long way from the doctors telling me that I might never walk again or feel anything below my waist. So when I beat the odds and pushed forward, I told myself that I wanted to help other people find the same kind of miracles that I did."
She frowned at his words, and he caught sight of the change in her expression.
"What's that about? That little frown of yours."
"I guess I didn't expect you to believe in miracles."
He shrugged.
"There's something amazing about the human brain, Aubree. To think that men and women went to school for years to become a doctor. More to become a surgeon. I put my body and the future that I wanted to have in their hands, and they came through for me.
"But even if they hadn't, I had accepted that they'd come to help. There were always going to be question marks in why some procedures work and others fail, but I knew what I would have if I didn't go through with the surgery. And today I can help others rebuild their strength and hopefully find the same kind of healing and success that I live with on a daily basis." He lowered his head a little and gave her what looked a little like a shy, child-like smile. "I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, because I'm not. I just... I just love what I do."
She reached out a hand to touch his arm and drew it back.
"I didn't think you were bragging, Ruben. I just think what you do is amazing." She felt a knot in her throat and tried to swallow it down. "I'm sorry if I... NO. I know I made you uncomfortable today." She blinked back tears. "I hope you'll forgive me."
"There's nothing to forgive, Aubree." The smile he gave her made her physically hurt, smack dab in the center of her chest. "There's just a line I can't cross while I'm working with you as a member of the staff."
The words he said processed through her head slowly.
Almost a little too slowly.
When they sank in, she narrowed her eyes at him, hoping that she hadn't confused herself even more than she'd been before. "So you're saying that while I'm working with you here, we can't cross that line...."
"But once you're done here," he grinned, "I'm hoping you'll go out with me."
There it was, she thought.
A crazy silver lining in the thundercloud of her day.
"I thought... I thought I was more than a little silly."
"I don't mind silly," he grinned at her. "I don't mind anything as long as it's you."
"I guess once we're done here, Ruben. You've got a date."
"Thank God."