Shoot Your Shot

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Twenty-Nine

Lucy

I pick at the white paper napkin in my hand, tearing it into tiny specks of paper confetti that scatter across the table. We’ve been waiting for seventeen minutes and counting for my dad to show up to the small diner on the city’s edge. Despite selecting the time and location, he’s running late with no courtesy text to assure us he’ll still arrive.

Jaylen sits close beside me in the booth, eyeing my deteriorating napkin. After the final tear, he slides his fresh one across the table into my restless fingers.

My attention is glued to the entrance of the diner as if I am willing my dad to walk through the door with my glare. Condensation pools on the linoleum tabletop around my untouched ice water. A pile of menus sits stacked in the center of the table where the server dropped them for us.

Guilt represses what’s left of my appetite as I remember how far Jaylen had to drive us to get here. I try not to think about how terrible I’ll feel if my dad doesn’t show at all.

Right when I’m about to call the game, the bell above the door chimes. It’s my dad, Rodger. He spots us at the booth and after a tip of his head, he casually walks over.

He is more weathered than I remember. Everything from his frayed hat to his stained work boots is covered in a layer of black grease. The last I heard he was working on an oil rig in Alaska—another reason Maya wasn’t my first choice for this lunch date. The two of them would have likely engaged in a heated debate about the ethics of oil drilling, or worse, the impact of absent fathers on young girls. I’m pretty confident Jaylen’s never read up on family dynamic research. Plus, he is too polite to be judgmental.

My dad slowly slides into the booth as if he wasn’t twenty minutes late to the lunch he planned. I decide I’m not going to hold it against him and drop what’s left of the napkin to say a very awkward hello. Before he even says hi, my dad leans out the booth to flag down a server and order himself a beer.

He quickly glances over at Jaylen from the corner of his eye. “I didn’t know you were bringing a friend.” He smells of petrol and stale beer, a familiar scent that practically teleports me back to my miserable childhood. I shiver in my seat.

“This is my boyfriend, Jaylen,” I say, introducing a partner to my dad for the first time.

Jaylen extends his hand across the table, but my dad reaches for the menu instead. The server brings my dad his beer and I ask for more time to look over the menu. My dad ignores my request and places his order, forcing Jaylen and me to scramble and quickly make a choice.

“How ya been?” my dad asks, his eyes shifting around the room.

“Um, things are really good. I quit my job at Come As You Are Ink and recently finished a few painting commissions for the Rainiers, but I’m waiting to hear back about tattoo apprenticeships. I just had an interview for this really amazing opportunity, so fingers crossed,” I say, leaning in to engage.

The two of us have so much to catch up on, and luckily things have been going really well for me these past few months. It has taken me years to find my footing after college, but I finally feel like I’m on the right path.

“You still at that museum?” he interrupts me. He drinks about a quarter of his beer in one pull and tries to flag the server for another. He looks as familiar as ever with his nose in a glass.

“No, that was my internship my senior year of college. I’m trying to be a tattoo artist now.” Our food arrives and I begin tearing apart my hot French fries.

“She’s an amazing artist. You should see some of the stuff she’s made recently. Her paintings and sketches are beautiful,” Jaylen says between bits of food too hot to eat.

I appreciate his enthusiasm, because trying to connect with my dad right now feels like painter’s block. I’ve been talking to a lot of brick walls lately, but at least they’ve left me inspired.

“More tattoos, really? You spent all that money on a college education only to get a felon’s job.” My dad tries to pass off his rude remark as a joke, but no one laughs. He stares down at his plate and begins eating his burger.

Jaylen looks over at me, but all my energy is focused on not crying into my plate of food. I suppress my pain, not wanting to cause a scene. I unclench my jaw to speak. “What about you? Still at the oil rig?” I try to keep the conversation going and decide it’s probably best if we don’t talk about my stuff any longer.

“Between stuff right now, but that’s not your business.” He shifts around in his seat. We eat in silence, until he drops what’s left of his hamburger and finishes another beer.

The tension between the two sides of the booth hangs like a heavy rain cloud threatening a downpour, but I risk the rain. “If you’re in town for a while, you should stop by the rink. I painted the big mural out front, and a couple inside too. They’re really cool, took me forever. I guess I could show you pictures of them on my phone, but it doesn’t do them justice. We can grab lunch after you see it? There’s a great sushi place—” It’s a bit desperate, which would likely be embarrassing if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. I hear the pleading in my voice, but my dad can’t even be bothered to listen.

He cuts me off. “I’ll check my schedule. Look, I’ll cut to the chase. I’m in a tight spot right now. I don’t get paid until the end of the month, but I’m way past due on some bills. It wouldn’t be too much of a bother to help your old man out, would it?” He continues to completely ignore Jaylen and keeps his eyes deadlocked on me.

I drop a cold fry from my hand. I’m disappointed, but I’m not surprised. Ever since I agreed to go to lunch with him, I’ve been waiting for this moment: The moment where he would come up with some elaborate excuse and cancel or completely blow me off and not show up. The moment where he does something to let me down. And here it is. It came late—but it hits equally as hard.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Dad, but I don’t have enough to give you anything. I have rent, student loans, and insurance. I’m between jobs too. I can’t.” My hands are balled into tight fists resting on my lap. I dig my nails into the flesh of my palms, but don’t feel anything—any deeper and I will penetrate my skin.

“Bullshit,” he snaps, pounding his fist against the table. The silverware clatters together as it ricochets from the force.

My body involuntarily flinches. I close my eyes tightly and grind my teeth. My jaw muscles flexing under the strain. I wish I could evaporate.

He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s annoyed with me—disgust is painted on his face. “You’ve got your nice little Rainiers job and a rich boyfriend. You’ve got money.”

Jaylen looks over at me; I’m not sure if he’s more shocked at my dad’s behavior or at the fact that I’m letting him talk to me like this. If it were anyone else, I would lunge out of my chair and scratch their eyes out for being so inappropriate, but he’s my dad so I am catatonic.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help you.” My words come out as a whisper. I continue to stare down at my lap, hoping he’ll drop it. I can’t tell him no for a third time without bursting into tears. I am literally unemployed at the moment while I wait to hear back from tattoo shops. My emergency savings of a thousand dollars is down to four hundred and fifty dollars. One vet bill, one toothache, or one broken phone could put me in the negative. I’m trying to be financially responsible, but I don’t want to be a bad daughter either.

“Fucking worthless, stupid and lazy just like your mother.” He says it quietly enough not to cause a scene, but loud enough for me to hear. My heart sinks, and for a moment I believe him.

Jaylen’s body goes rigid as he stares across the booth. “You have no idea, do you?” he says, his top lip curling in disgust. For a moment I worry he’s about to ask my dad to go toe to toe at center ice.

“What are you talking about?” my dad snaps at Jaylen, trying—and failing—to match his level of disdain.

“You’re clueless. You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know how talented she is. You don’t know about her amazing friends. You’ve never met her cute yet mildly psychotic cat. You don’t know anything about your daughter and it’s your loss, because she’s incredible. And you know what, it’s not because of you—it’s despite ,” Jaylen says with conviction. He pulls his wallet from his back pocket and unclips a folded mound of cash. He throws a few hundred-dollar bills at my dad and stands up. “That should cover the food and you can get a clue with the rest.”

I slide out of the booth, but before I leave, I look my dad dead in the eyes—the ones everyone says I got from him. I want so badly to tell him to leave me alone, to give him a piece of my mind, but I am frozen, paralyzed by his glare. I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t find the words. Jaylen offers me his hand, and together we walk out of the restaurant.

In the safety of Jaylen’s car, I bury my face in my hands and sob. “I’m so sorry. That was so embarrassing.”

He rubs my back and lets me cry. “It’s okay. He’s the one who should be embarrassed, babe.” I know Jaylen’s trying to make me feel better, but it offers little comfort right now.

With a deep breath, I will myself to get it together. I lean back in the passenger seat and close my eyes while I wait for my tears to dry up. “Sometimes I can’t help but think about how much easier my life could have been if he just loved me. Is that pathetic?” I ask candidly. I don’t expect an answer. I only want to get the feeling off of my chest, and hopefully it will leave my body altogether.

“No. Of course not.” He wraps his arms around me and I fall into his chest.

Try as I might, I can’t stop the tears. I’ve been holding them in longer than I’ve realized, and now pressed against Jaylen’s warm cotton T-shirt I finally have something to catch them.

I’m not crying because my dad was mean to me—he’s always been mean to me. I’m crying because I know that was my last chance at a normal relationship with him. I’m old enough now to know that he will never be the dad I need, and that realization feels like mourning.

“I think I may have given you bad advice about reconnecting with your dad. Some people aren’t worth it,” Jaylen says.

“Is that why you did that for me back there?” I pull away from his embrace, sweeping my palms across my cheeks. No one has ever stood up to my dad like that. I didn’t know it was possible. Judging by the look on my dad’s face when Jaylen told him off, he didn’t think anyone would ever have the guts to try.

“I did it because we’re a team. I’m not going to let anyone treat you like that,” Jaylen says.

I sigh. “You’re a good teammate, but you can’t protect me from everything.” I shake my head, covering my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater. I look out the passenger window in time to see my dad’s truck speed down the road and out of sight. Luckily, Jaylen’s windows are tinted so dark that I’m safe from sight.

Jaylen’s head drops back, relaxing against the headrest. He gazes over at me and says, “You’re right. But I can love you the way you deserve every second you let me.”

It’s likely the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, no matter how naive of a proclamation. I decide it’s time to let Jaylen in a little bit, let him see behind the curtain for a moment.

“The tattoo here,” I say, unzipping my hoodie to expose my bare shoulder. I point out the little wishbone sitting atop my exposed skin. “You asked about it that first night we met. Basically, every wishbone, every birthday candle, every 11:11, I wished for him. Or I guess a better version of him. I know, I’m so stupid. Sounds childish after all this.” My head slumps against the cold window.

Jaylen leans over and softly presses his lips against the top of my chilled shoulder, kissing my tattoo. His lips are warm, and his touch is comforting. Like a child with a wound that aches for the loving kissing of someone they trust, his kiss makes me feel better.

“I would never think you’re stupid.” Jaylen is settled in his seat, like he’s ready to stay parked at the diner, comforting me for as long as I need. He looks at me with no expectations and lets me cry. He gives me the room I need. He lets me be.

“I love you.” I say it with the type of confidence I wish I always had, because I wish I felt the same way about myself as I do him. Despite my initial effort to hate Jaylen’s guts, I could never get away from him. I didn’t want to say it back to him last time—even though I knew I loved him then—because I didn’t believe he could mean it. I didn’t think he really saw me, but after today I know he’s looking. At the ugly parts and not past them. And I say it because I do love him.

Jaylen’s left dimple makes an appearance. “Thanks,” he says. I whack his arm with a huff. His smile grows even wider. “I love you too.” He takes me into his arms. “I know you’re going to hear back about the apprenticeship any day now, but I want you to know that you’re welcome to come to Chicago with me for the offseason. You can stay the whole time, or for as many visits as you want,” he adds.

Guilt instantly poisons the mood. I have to tell him that the apprenticeship with Hunter Gunn is in LA. At first, I didn’t see the point. It was such a long shot, but my interview went so well that I already have a follow-up one scheduled. Jaylen’s holding on to my hand for dear life, while I’m tugging away.

I want to tell him right now that there’s a chance I have to move, but everything is so perfect between us. I don’t want to be the one to ruin it. And for what? What if I don’t even get the job?

“That sounds nice,” I say instead. I want to follow Jaylen wherever, even to boring Midwest suburbia. He holds me and everything is perfect in his arms.

I’ll deal with the truth when it becomes a reality.