Chapter 15
I chuckle mutely at the sound of Paige huffing next to me, knowing if she catches me, she’ll probably give me a dirty look, which will actually be funny. We didn’t run for long, and even though she said it was because I shouldn’t overdo it, I know my wife enough to know the woman hates running more than she hates grocery shopping in an actual store—and that’s saying a lot. She might be in good shape. As a physical therapist, she has to be. It would look bad if not. But running isn’t a part of her routine, and that certainly hasn’t changed.
“Why would anyone sign themselves up to run a marathon?” she breathes out, her cheeks an adorable shade of bright red. “I mean, for real. Why would someone in their right mind put themselves through that?”
Her little legs are working hard to keep up with mine, so I slow down a bit.
“You hike,” I say before pausing. “At least, you used to. When we first moved to Maine and up until, you know …”
“Until we separated?” She raises a brow. “As much as the words suck to say, guess we should probably get used to saying them. And, yeah, well, what else is there to do here?” she half jokes. “I’m not into putting on some camouflage and killing animals, I don’t have the patience for fishing, and I don’t knit.” She shrugs. “Had to pick up something. Figured, why not hiking?”
“You have a point.” I nod in agreement. “Could have joined one of those women’s bowling leagues.”
“My mom was on that when I was a kid.” She smiles. “I have no idea why. The woman is not good at bowling. I’ve seen her.” She glances up at me. “I feel like that’s a thing moms used to do just to get out of the house and away from their kids.” She snorts. “Was your mom on a—” She stops mid-sentence, cringing. “I don’t even know what I was thinking, asking you that. I’m sorry, Kolt.”
Reaching down, she touches my hand sympathetically, but when she drops her hand, I catch it.
“It’s fine. Really. My childhood, as fucked up as it was, is in the past. While my mom might not have been able to do normal things, like join women’s bowling leagues, she’s doing good now. She’s taking some baking classes, and she seems to be okay.” I squeeze her hand. “Don’t worry about it, Buttercup.”
The air between us is suddenly thicker as she looks up at me through tear-soaked lashes, her lip trembling.
“Kolt, I’ll always worry about it,” she whispers. “Because I will always worry about you.”
“I know,” I manage to say, giving her a small, sad smile. “You don’t have to though, okay?”
“That isn’t true.” She sniffles, and I pull her against me, wrapping my arms around her body and holding her tight. Her body stiffens, and she looks down. “But there’s something else you should know. Something … big. Something that adds on to the pile of shit we’ve been dealt.”
“What do you mean?” I utter, scared for what she’s going to tell me.
She swallows hard before finally lifting her eyes back to mine. “I didn’t run away from you just because I was mad last night, Kolt.” As she says the words, there’s an unreadable sort of emotion on her face.
I know my wife better than I know anyone, but even I don’t know how to prepare for what is about to come from her pretty lips.
“So, why did you then?” I force myself to say, even though I’m fucking terrified of the answer.
“Remember when I first moved back in and you saw I had tampons, so you brought out the heating pad and Motrin for me because you figured I’d be in a lot of pain?”
My eyes narrow—not from anger, but confusion. “Yeah?” I turn my face slightly, looking at her in question. “You always used to need your heating pad during your periods. I just … wanted to be helpful. I know how much pain they bring you.” I wince. “Hate seeing you that way, you know?”
“Yeah,” she says softly before her nostrils flare while she pulls in a breath. “They did. But then … six months ago, I ended up in the emergency room with pain so bad that I felt like my body was being ripped in half—”
“You were in the hospital?” I cut her off, unable to stop myself. “Jesus Christ, Paige. Why didn’t you call me?”
“My parents took me. I was fine,” she snaps, making her growing frustration clear. “Let me talk, Kolt. My good fucking God. Can you try to not be a caveman for, like … five seconds of your life and listen to me?” She huffs out a breath, calming herself down.
“When I was there, I ended up having emergency exploratory surgery to figure out where the pain was coming from. And just as I’d suspected for most of my adult life, they found endometriosis. Stage four endometriosis. And that was why my periods had always been so bad.”
I’m trying to keep calm because I know that’s what she needs me to be, but fucking A, I’m so mad at myself. I did this. I pushed her away so that she’d leave. And because of that, she had to go through all of what she just told me alone.
“Baby,” I whisper, looking down at her and feeling my heart rip to absolute fucking shreds, “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that you went through that alone. That I wasn’t there to be the fucking man I was supposed to be. The man I’d vowed I would be.” My throat feels raw, and the words barely come out in a croak. “Your husband, Paige. I’m supposed to be your husband. And where the fuck was I? I’m so sorry.”
A small gust of wind comes up from the water, blowing her hair away from her face and making her bat her lashes a few times as she stares up at me.
“Kolt, there’s something else though,” she utters faintly. “Last night, you said that it was your fault we couldn’t get pregnant.” She stops for a moment to gather herself. “That isn’t true.” Her shoulders shrug up and down, and she frowns sadly. “One of the most common symptoms of endometriosis is infertility. So … it wasn’t just you stopping us from having a baby. It was me too.” She sniffles. “It seems we’re doomed on both sides. It’s like … the universe doesn’t think we deserve kids or something.”
Before I can say a word, her eyes gloss over, and she blinks quickly, sending a few tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I want to say something. I know what it feels like to think your body is broken. Or … incapable of doing the one thing you want it to do.” She pushes her hands into the pockets of her jacket, her eyebrows pinching together with emotion. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you going another second believing that it’s all your fault that we never got to have babies. Because even if your body was working the way it was supposed to … my reproductive system hates me.” She weeps, giving me the saddest smile. “The odds have been stacked against us since day one, huh?”
I pull her against me, pressing my lips to the top of her head as I stare off into space, thinking about everything she just said. There are no words I can say right now to make anything better or easier. Because I know exactly how she feels, even if it’s a different circumstance.
I might not be the one who would carry our baby inside of me, but if and when we have a baby, it’ll be just as much mine as it is hers. And I fucking hate that my body decided to throw a wrench in our plans. As a man, I think we have this complex that this sort of shit doesn’t happen. And that we’ll procreate, no problem. But the truth is, for a lot of guys, that isn’t the case.
Until I met my wife, I wouldn’t have given a fuck either way. Now? It’s all I think about. But not because I can’t live without kids. But because I’m scared she can’t.
I hate that she’s going through this, but I’m glad that, because I’ve been there, I can do my best to help her through it.
I pull back slightly, looking down at her because out of everything she said, I caught one thing that was good. “Your periods. You said they aren’t as bad now? That’s why you didn’t need the heating pad?”
Since she was seventeen, I’ve watched her be in complete agony during her periods. She’s one of the toughest people I know. Sicknesses have never slowed her down. Hell, she broke her ankle when we first got married and didn’t even cry. So, when her period came around and she was doubled over, crying in pain, I always knew it had to be bad. The stupid part is, she went to the doctor—numerous times—and voiced concerns about her cycles. They brushed her off every time.
She nods. “That’s the one good thing that came out of the pain. I was able to get surgery. And honestly, it’s helped me so much.” She stops, growing nervous. “And … my doctor told me that if I ever decide to try again, having the surgery might help my chances of getting pregnant too.” She shrugs shyly. “It’s a long shot, I’m sure. But it’s better than no shot at all, right?”
“Yeah,” I murmur, staring down at her in awe because after all that, she found the silver lining. “I should have been there, Paige.”
On one hand, I’m so fucking happy that she gets the chance to be optimistic and even happier that her pain is better. But then there’s that fucked-up part of my brain that reminds me she hasn’t given me an answer if she’s staying yet. And she’s still talking about having babies.
If anyone is going to put a baby in her, I want it to be me.
But you can’t because you’re fucking broken.
I curse inwardly at my inner voice, telling it to fuck off because I will get this woman back and I will give her the family she’s longing for.
“But you weren’t, and we can’t go back now.” She tilts her head to the side, giving me the tiniest smile. “I left willingly. You need to remember that.” She reaches up, cupping my cheeks. “We both messed up—royally. But if we keep talking about what we should have done, we’re never going to move on to what we should do.”
I let her words wash over me like a wave, realizing that maybe she is going to give me a shot after all.
“I know,” I utter before wincing. “I just … wish I had been next to you when you were told the news.”
She looks deep in thought. “I always knew something wasn’t right. It shouldn’t have come as a shock, but I guess actually hearing it from the doctor’s mouth made it real. And set it in stone that my body really was challenging me when it came to being a mom,” she says with a frail shrug.
She caresses my cheek gently with her thumb. “I’m sorry that you went through your own set of things, Kolt. It’s a shitty feeling when our hearts want something, but the rest of our body can’t deliver. But the good news is … we have a baseline now. Somewhere to start, right?” She smiles. “Maybe everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to. Maybe … this is just another piece to our story. Even though it seems like a chapter we wish we could tear out.” She swallows. “Maybe, one day, we’ll look back and be thankful for these pages.”
“As long as, when I’m looking back, you’re beside me again … it’ll all be ok,” I croak, knowing that she isn’t going to give me an answer yet.
I know Paige, and when she comes to the decision of whether she’s going to stay or leave, it’s going to be after she’s looked at our relationship from all angles.
When she left the first time, it had taken a lot for me to push her to the point of giving up. Making her stay will be no different.
“Do you really want me to stay, Kolt? Even after I left?” She squeaks the words like she’s scared of the answer.
“Fucking right I do,” I say in disbelief that she even has to ask me that. “Baby, I will always want you to stay.”
Her face falls, and her lip trembles. “I should have stayed. Instead, I gave up.” She sniffles. “You know, you’ve been feeling guilty, carrying around your secret all this time. And I … I feel guilty about mine—”
“Don’t feel guilty about what you just shared with me, Paige,” I say quickly, cutting her off.
“That’s not what I feel most guilty about.” She inhales, closing her eyes for a split second. “I feel guilty because … I made a promise to your mother on the night of our graduation. A promise I didn’t keep.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, confused—because I don’t know what promise she’s talking about.
And she must see it on my face because her eyes glaze over, like her mind is traveling far away.
I drag in a breath through my nose and let it out through my mouth in a controlled fashion. I’m about to say the words out loud. Something I’ve carried immense guilt over for so long will finally be out in the open. And that’s terrifying yet sort of freeing, all at once.
“Your mom … I know you wish things had been different—and maybe could still be different—but I promise, Kolt, she loves you. She’s always loved you and Klay so much.”
“What are you about to tell me?” he murmurs. “What did she say to you?”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I inhale once more and try to think back to that night. The night I saw Kolt as a little boy, who was scared and wanted someone to tell him it was all going to be okay, instead of Kolt Kolburne, the hockey god everyone has painted him to be.
When we had arrived at his parents’ house, their mom had been in pretty bad shape.
I just kept thinking, How was Kolt’s life this cruel and I didn’t realize it?
I had known his father wasn’t the nicest guy to him or his mom, but I’d had no idea it was that bad until we pulled in, parked, and heard the commotion inside.
I watched Kolt knock his father out to stop him from killing his mother. And I stood there, with my hands over my mouth, while Klay held his mother close to him and told me to call the police.
It was clear then that the two boys each had a job when it came to this household. Kolt’s was to protect, and Klay’s was to soothe.
When the police arrived and took their dad away, it hurt my heart to watch the one I loved go from a teenager to a rash protector to a broken boy who needed a hug, all within fifteen minutes.
As she’d sobbed in their kitchen, I’d stared at their mom. I had no idea how the situation she and the boys were in had let them become the men they were. Both were smart, funny, responsible, and respectful guys, though Kolt was a little rough around the edges and carried himself in a colder way than Klay. But his heart was golden.
After we had been at the police station for a while, Marilyn asked to speak to me alone, and I was nervous. I had no idea what she was going to tell me or if she would scold me for calling the police. Instead, she surprised me with the words from her mouth.
“My boy loves you, Paige.” She said with a smile. “Well, both my boys. One of them loves you like a sister, and the other … you’re the love of his life. His soulmate.” Her voice was filled with so much sadness. The kind that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else.
Before I could answer, she started again. “He loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone else. But more importantly … he trusts you too. And that’s not something Kolt does easily, as I’m sure you know.”
I couldn’t stop the frown that spread across my lips. I loved her son more than anything too. And I trusted him with everything I had. But I wasn’t sure why she was telling me this or why she seemed so sad about it. I just hoped she wasn’t going to push us away from each other.
“I love and trust him too, Mrs. Kolburne,” I said, swallowing. “You raised one of the best humans I know. He’s … he’s my best friend.”
My words only seemed to pain her more, and she grimaced.
“I didn’t have anything to do with it, Paige. I just got lucky.” She leaned forward, scrubbing the palms of her hands against her legs. “With both of my boys, I lucked out. Because the things those two have seen—” Her voice cracked, and her face crumpled. “They’ve been through more in their short time on earth than anyone should ever experience. They are still just boys.”
My mom always taught me to listen when someone needed an ear, to give them space when they needed a minute, and to hold them tightly when they needed a hug. The trouble was … in that moment, I wasn’t sure what she needed. But then I thought about what I would do if it was Kolt. And even as tough as he was, I knew that without a doubt, I’d hold him close. So, without permission, I wrapped my arms around her. At first, she tensed up. But within a few seconds, her shoulders began to shake, and she leaned against me.
For a little bit, we sat there, just like that. I didn’t rush her to talk because I figured she wasn’t ready. After a while, she slowly pulled back and wiped her face.
“Paige, there’s going to come a day when my boy pushes you away. Because for his entire existence, he’s been told he’s not good enough. And he’s watched his mother be told the same thing.” She sobs. “When he does that … when he tries to sabotage anything good that life has given him, promise me something.” She reached up, cupping my cheek. “Promise me that you’ll fight. Fight for my son, Paige. He deserves that. Especially when, for his whole life, nobody has. Not even his mother.”
Opening my eyes, I tell Kolt exactly what his mother told me and admit that I betrayed her. She trusted me, and she shouldn’t have.
“I made a promise, and I failed her. But more importantly, I failed you. So, it’s not just you who needs to be forgiven, Kolt. It’s me too.” I inhale, weeping. “We’ve hurt each other so much. Do you really think we could ever come back from it all?”
“You didn’t fail me, and you didn’t fail her. You’re here, Paige. If you had given up, you would have hung up the phone when the doctor called. But you didn’t.” His hands slide to my face, and he brings his forehead closer to mine. “And, yeah, I do think we can get back to being us, baby. But only if you believe it too.” Pressing a kiss to my forehead, he pulls back enough so that his eyes are level with mine. “I love you. And I know you love me too.” Even with those words, his doubt is palpable.
“Sometimes, love isn’t enough,” I whisper.
“That’s what they say, but I call bullshit.” He shrugs. “I still have some time to prove that to you, and I was thinking we should head back today.”
“Why?” A frown instantly forms on my face. “I thought … I thought you wanted to be here. With no distractions. This was your idea.”
“Yeah, I know. But here’s the thing: no matter where we are, our problems are going to be the same. I have to return to practice on Monday, and I’d like to spend tomorrow with you at our house now that we’re on better terms.” He swipes his thumb across my cheek over and over. “Also, I’d like to see your office in Boothbay. Because even though it was hard to find out you’ve been living so close this entire time, I’m so fucking proud of you, Paige.”
“You want to see my office?” I whisper. “Really?”
“Fuck yeah, I do,” he answers quickly before cringing. “I’ll be honest; I don’t know if I can handle seeing your new house, but I want to check out your office. And I was thinking … maybe we can pick up your three-legged cat.”
I roll my eyes, fighting back a laugh. “Again, you can just say cat . Or Rocket.”
“Yeah, but what fun would that be?” he teases, lightening the mood, like he does best. “We have a long way to go, and I know there’s been a lot of damage done and there’s a lot to factor in, but I’ll do whatever I can to prove to you that we can make this work.” He presses his lips to mine. “So, let’s go see your office and get your … cat . Let’s go get your ordinary, nothing-to-see-here cat. And then let’s go back to Portland.”
Closing my eyes, I lean in and breathe him in before looking up at him again. “Let’s go home.”
“As long as you’re there, it will always be home,” he whispers, bringing his lips to the top of my head again.
And dammit if my husband didn’t melt my entire heart and soul into a puddle.