Chapter 41
I flop down onto my bed inside my old room that doesn’t feel like my space anymore. Closing my eyes doesn’t help. Hot tears slip free, rolling down my cheeks. I shouldn’t have gone to the Delphium. Wanting to defy my father, I ended up revealing to Bo how hung up I still am over him and our friendship that went bad years ago. He was right. I acted stupid.
One encounter was all it took to bring back all those old feelings. Going to LA, I gained distance from my childhood trauma, but Alex was right. I still haven’t figured out a way to heal.
As I replay everything and wish I had acted more cool, a knock sounds on my door. I open my eyes and see my father standing in my doorway.
“Can I come in?” Dad’s light brown eyes flicker with concern when he notices that I’ve been crying. “What happened, Peace?” He frowns. “Who hurt you? Was it Bo?”
“No.” I shake my head. “It was me. I hurt myself.” I take the blame for my own behavior. My instinct despite everything is always to protect Bo.
“You mean self-sabotage?” He drops onto the end of my bed that has the same frilly comforter on it from when I was fourteen. It’s not just me who’s stuck in the past. My room remains there too. “I might know a little something about that.”
“How so?” I ask.
“Scoot next to me,” he says. “And I’ll tell you.”
“Okay.” I abandon my spot at the head of the bed to sit beside him.
“On stage,” he begins. “I know there’s no one better than me. But here. In our home with you”—with his expression turning regretful, he gestures at me and his silver rings glint, reflecting the overhead lights—“I barely have the first clue what to do. If it wasn’t for your mother when you were growing up, I would have screwed you and your sister up completely. As it is, I’m afraid I might already have.”
“Dad.” My throat tight, I admit, “Maybe you’re right.”
“Peace. Fuck.” He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I love you,” he rasps. “Please, tell me how to fix this.”
“I don’t know how.” I glance down at my hands.
“I think maybe you have some idea. Can’t you tell me?”
“I’m not a little girl anymore.” I lift my head.
“I know you aren’t,” he agrees. “You’re a beautiful woman. But you’re hurting. And I want to help you, but I don’t know how to scale the wall you’ve built around yourself. I feel helpless like I did with your mom when I first met her.”
“You met her on a bridge.” I tilt my head to a reflective angle.
“I did.” He exhales heavily. “But I never told you why I was on that bridge. Why we both were. And I think maybe it’s time that you knew.”
“Were you going to jump?” I can’t fathom it and lean toward him.
“Yes,” he whispers. “Your mother was depressed too about losing her sister.”
“Aunt Cass. Mom has told us lots of stories about the sibling she lost.”
“Right.” He reaches for my hand, looking down at it for a moment. When he looks up again, his eyes are shiny. “I was in a bad place. I lost my band. My best friend. And Lace. I felt like I had nothing to live for. Your mom convinced me that wasn’t the case.”
“And you fell in love with her.”
“Yes. Your mom is irresistible. She’s sweet and caring just like you. But it wasn’t easy with us. I screwed up badly. I still screw up, but she loves and forgives me. I hope maybe with time, you can forgive me too. I’m willing to talk. I’d even go to therapy with you. I’d love it if we could find a way to be father and daughter and eventually a functional family again.”
“I appreciate that,” I say carefully. “It means a lot to me.”
But even if we figure out a way to communicate, that won’t change that I’m still me behind my wall. I’ll never be the type of daughter he wants. I withdraw my hand from his. “I’ll think about everything you said.”
“Okay.” His eyes turn shinier and mine burn in response. “I know you like it better in LA. But I miss you. So much. Can I have a hug?”
“Yes, of course.”
He stands. I do too, and when he opens his arms, I walk into them. I hold back a sob as he wraps his strong arms around me. I want to sag into him like I did earlier with Harmony. But I can’t. I just can’t.
“I love you, Peace.” His voice is gruff.
“I love you too, Dad.” I do love him, but it’s an affection that has guardrails now.
He clears his throat. “Your mother and I hope you’ll come home to visit this summer while you’re working for Black Cat.” He eases back and peers down at me. Now I know why my parents seemed happy when I shared the details about the internship at the party.
“I don’t know.” I stall since I don’t really want to. “Money will be tight. My internship salary is good but not great, and travel is expensive.”
“We thought about that. So here.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key. A car fob. For an Audi.
“Holy shit!” I exclaim. “You bought me a car?”
“Happy birthday.” His eyes twinkle.
“I can’t accept. It’s too much. Harm doesn’t even have a car.”
“Only because she totaled the last one,” he confides.
“Oh.” My lips round in surprise. “She didn’t tell me.”
“She was probably embarrassed. She got a citation for driving under the influence.” His brow furrows. “Your mother and I have tried everything we can think of to get her to cut back on the alcohol. We’re worried about her. We’re hoping if you’re around more, maybe that will help.”
“That’s a lot of pressure on me,” I mutter.
“Harmony is responsible for her own issues.” He frowns. “As a recovering addict, I know we can’t make her stop. That’s on her. But we know you love her. And I believe love can make a difference. Your mom showed me that.”
“Okay, Dad.” I take the fob. “I’ll try to visit. For Harm. Thanks for the car.”
“You’re welcome.” He nods once and we both turn our heads as another knock sounds on my door.
“Can I come in?” Alex asks.
“Sure,” I reply readily, and Dad gives my uncle a disgruntled look.
“Appreciate what you’ve done for my daughter, Treyall.” His expression is pinched. “I know you love Peace, and she loves you. But at the end of the day, you need to remember that she’s my flesh and blood not yours.”
“Got that, caveman,” Alex acknowledges evenly while coming closer to me. “I also get that you’re as big an idiot as ever.”
“Watch it.” My dad’s eyes narrow.
“Everyone knows you love big, War.” Alex tsks at him. “But maybe try loving a little less possessively. Okay?”
“Hear you.” Surprisingly, Dad seems to accept that Alex’s advice is sound. In my opinion, it almost always is. “Good night, Peace.” My dad runs the back of his hand down my cheek.
“Good night, Dad,” I reply softly. My eyes follow him as he leaves.
“So this thing with Bo.” Alex takes my hand after Dad shuts the door. He leads me to my bed. “Spill the details,” he demands. “Now.”
“Nothing to spill,” I lie.
“Don’t lie to me, Peace Jinkins.” He sits and pulls me down beside him. “I know about your history with him. Saw you were crying when you returned from the concert. I also know whatever happened is the reason Harmony took off again tonight.”
“Took off where?” I ask.
“I’m guessing to put the hurt on whoever upset you,” he replies. “That girl has her issues, but she doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s a tigress just like your mom if she thinks someone she loves is wronged. So start explaining now.”
“Okay.” I twist my hands together and recap tonight’s events. Alex listens. He adds comments here and there, but he doesn’t judge. He just gives me understanding looks and provides space for me to frame my thoughts. After explaining, I’m still not sure what to do, but I feel better.
I realize something else my dad is wrong about. It takes more than blood to make a family. Even though we aren’t truly related, Alex and Mike are my family, and I’m absolutely theirs too.