Chapter 83
I stare at the family photos hanging on the wall in the foyer and feel like I’ve walked back in time, like I’m that lost little girl all over again.
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” My mom moves in front of me and gathers my hands. “Where’s Alex? Why isn’t he with you?”
“He’s headed back to Atlanta.” I drop my chin, avoiding her eyes and the pity within them. “He’s due on set tomorrow.”
“Is Dad here?” I mumble the inquiry to my toes. I don’t want to see him. I’m not ready to deal with his disappointment.
“He went out of town unexpectedly.” If I wasn’t so emotionally spent, I’d wonder about the off note that clunks in her voice, but I have no emotional currency left.
“I’m going to my room,” I announce.
“I thought we might talk first. I made cinnamon rolls.” She gestures. “They’re in the kitchen.”
“No, thanks.” My mouth waters from the rich, buttery, cinnamon aroma. But I have no appetite. I haven’t had much of one since I started settling for nights with Bo when I wanted days and all the other moments in between. “It was thoughtful of you to bake for me, but I don’t feel like eating.”
“Okay.” Her pretty peridot eyes glimmer with worry. “But if you need anything, let me know.”
“Okay, I will.” I say what she wants to hear. But the one who knows me best, the one I really need, I can’t have.
“Love you, Peace.” She releases my hands and hugs me. Her affection is welcome. I’m not angry at her like I was. I’m not anything. I feel completely empty inside. “It’s good to have you home.”
“Love you too, Mom.” Leaving her behind, I climb the stairs. One by one, each step that takes me closer to my old room feels like regression.
Inside the space, I close the door. I turn, walk to the bed, and flop face first into it. This is wrong. This isn’t where I long to be. I’m running from my problems like Alex said and not just from the photos, from the truth, from the right words I couldn’t find for Bo.
Bo
“What am I supposed to do, man?” I ask Carson as we exit the twenty-four-hour clinic.
“Stay away from Peace if you don’t want more stitches.” He gives me a long, assessing side-glance as we take the sidewalk that leads to the parking lot where the bus is waiting. “But you aren’t going to stay away, are you?”
“No.” I shake my head. “No way. But I don’t want my actions to blow back on the band.” The guys are my brothers. I’ll stay and complete the remaining stops on this tour, but only until my commitment is done. “I’m going after Peace. I’m going to find her and make things right between us.”
“Might not be fixable.” He makes a face.
“It has to be.” I can’t allow for the possibility of failure. It’s difficult enough staying put when everything inside me wants to go to her now.
“She’s not gonna go for the friends with benefits arrangement again.” He offers that sage advice while crickets chirp around us.
“I know she won’t.” I nod. “I don’t expect her to.”
As we reach the bus, he turns to face me. Searching my eyes, he asks, “Do you know what she really wants?”
“Not really.” I just know that whatever it is, I’m going to give it to her.
“Clueless moron.” He lets out an exasperated breath. “She wants you. Peace is in love with you.”
“She’s not.” But my heart leaps at just the possibility. Her loving me is what I’ve always wanted, but I never allowed that dream to take root.
“She is,” he disagrees. “Or she was before those photos came out.”
“How can you be so sure?” I ask.
“Because I read all the crumpled notes she left behind.”
“What notes?” I ask.
“The ones she wrote after you laid into her at the radio station.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and withdraws pages with her handwriting on them. “They’re all addressed to you.” He shoves them at me.
I take them. My vision blurring with emotion, I hug them like I wish I could hug her. “I can’t read them.” I follow him onto the bus. It’s late. The front lounge is empty. I drop onto the couch.
“Yeah, you can.” He drops onto the cushion beside me. “I typed everything up for you. Sent it to your email. You can have Siri read them to you. But I figured you’d want the actual papers too.”
“Thanks, man.” I give him a grateful look. “For everything. You’re a good friend. Stevie and Levi too. You guys gotta know you mean everything to me.”
“Right back at you, loser.” He knocks my chest with his fist, then his own. “We’re family. The stick together through thick and thin kind. And the kind that will tell you the truth you need to hear. You’re a much better man than you think.”
“Not sure I believe that.” I drop my head.
“Not many I know who are better. None who’d have my back to the extreme that you do.”
“Yeah?” I look up.
“I see the good in you, Jacks.” He nods. “Peace does too. You want my advice?” he asks low.
I nod.
“Read those letters. I mean, listen to what she wrote. Then do whatever you need to do to get and keep her. Don’t worry about her father or blowback on the band. Stevie, Levi, and me, we got you. Understand?”
“Yeah,” I agree roughly. Having his support, it feels like light flickers on inside me.
“Good. I’ll leave you to it.” He stands and points. “I’ll be in my bunk if you need me.”
“’Kay.” I get my phone out. Opening my email, I listen to Siri’s voice, but in my mind, I hear an angel’s.
Bo,
I wish I could explain properly how much you mean to me. I’ve tried, but the words aren’t cooperating. My heart is full of all I feel for you. You are my best friend. My only friend outside my family. When I’m with you, I don’t feel alone or afraid. I think that’s because I know I can be myself when I’m with you. Of all the people in my life, I feel like you know me best. I feel like you understand and accept me. All of me. Not just the parts I let others see. That is a gift. I should have treasured what you were willing to give me instead of grasping for more. I realize now that I shouldn’t have asked you to have sex with me in the first place. Not because it wasn’t amazing being with you. But because sex isn’t all I want. It was never all I wanted, and I think you knew. I think my wanting more made you uncomfortable. That’s probably why you took off after we had sex the first time.
It’s not your fault you don’t want me like I want you. Please don’t take on that blame. I should have accepted what you could give, but I was too focused on trying to make my own desires into reality. I accept my part in us going wrong. But you shouldn’t have said what you did to me at the radio station. You disrespected me in front of your friends. It was out of character for you when I know you’re my biggest and best protector. But maybe it was time for you to define what we were and what we would never be. Like when we were kids and you told me to find other friends. It was good advice. I put far too much pressure on you to be my everything. But I won’t do that anymore. I’m saying goodbye. If I still have a job on the other side of this, I’m going to ask Melinda to reassign me. But I want you to know that wherever I am or whatever I do, my heart will always be beating for you. You are the music to my song.
Love, Peace