7. Amber
7
AMBER
D inner was done and dusted by the time I struggled into the house. Parker and Nicky were playing video games while Vera sat on the couch reading, and Shelby sat at my dining table with a pot of tea and a half-full mug in front of her. She smiled as I shut the door and said, “I’ll grab another mug.”
Her feet carried her to the kitchen where I noticed she’d even done the dishes. I could kiss her. I was emotionally exhausted after today, and I desperately wanted a shower to wash Evan off my body.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy it. I always enjoyed sex with him. It was the guilt I felt, the suffocating secret I kept from him. It clashed with the desire I had to run to him and pour out my heart. As I sank into the chair across from my best friend and she filled a mug for me, I started to think about how bad of an idea it was to keep that secret to begin with.
“How’d it go?” she asked then picked up her mug and sipped from it. I could see the sparkle of intrigue in her eyes.
I shrugged a shoulder and pulled my peacoat off. Working late hadn’t even happened. I gave him the files I prepared, but we never broached the topic, which meant I’d likely end up working late again. Being in this position made me wonder if I’d ever get any work done again.
I couldn’t speak. I picked up the mug and sipped. I probably looked like a wreck. My eye makeup was all but gone. I noticed that in the bathroom mirror when I was washing the sex off my body. My lipstick was gone too. Most of it was on Evan’s face by the time I was done kissing him, though I hadn’t noticed it on his face when we were done. It probably got wiped off when he was between my thighs.
“Amber, what happened?” Shelby’s sincere concern etched her face and I looked down into my mug. Her hand rested on mine as she said, “Did he hurt you?” Her earnest tone surprised me. “Did he…”
“Oh, God, no…” I shook my head vehemently. “No, nothing like that.” Evan was not like that. He’d never force me to do that. I’d done it willingly.
“Then what?” She sat back and narrowed her eyes at me.
My gaze flicked to the children who were engrossed in games. Then I sighed and looked back at her. She was my best friend. Jacob wasn’t exactly accessible, and I hadn’t had a sitter or time to go see him even if he was awake, which I knew he was now that Evan told me. Mom would kill me, so Shelby was my only out. I felt deep shame as I confessed to her.
“So we … uh. We?—”
“You didn’t.” She almost squealed and I put a finger to my lips and jerked my eyes toward the twins.
“I did.”
“Deets, oh my God.” She leaned over the table and grinned at me, but I felt like I’d throw up.
“Look, we have chemistry. That’s all it was. I just. I can’t control myself around him. I knew this was bad. I can’t believe it. And he doesn’t even know about—” I stopped myself short.
“Know about what?” Shelby was a smart woman, but I had never said a thing. Never once had she even asked about the twins’ father. It was a secret I kept buried. I told her the relationship ended and I moved on, and she was content with that.
But the way my gaze lingered on them while they played video games probably gave it away. We sat there for a long time while I watched my son, who was the spitting image of Evan. I didn’t know how she couldn’t see that, except that Evan wasn’t around much. I’d never seen him at headquarters, though his picture did hang on the wall next to his father’s and Jacob’s.
When I turned back to look at her, she was staring at the kids too. Her eyebrows were high when she looked back at me. “You dated him almost eight years ago?” she asked. I nodded. Guilt was already snaking around my throat. “And they’re seven…” I could see her wheels turning. She was putting it all together in her head while shame was flooding my entire body. “That means…”
“Yes.” My blunt acknowledgment surprised me.
“Evan Montgomery?” Her eyes narrowed farther. “Their father?” she hissed.
My hands covered my face before tears welled up. She had to sense the conflict inside my chest. How could she not? I had just slept with the father of my children, and he didn’t even know they existed.
“Oh, Amber…I get it now.” Shelby stood and scooted her chair around to the side of the table next to me. Her hand rested on my back, rubbing in a circle the way my mom always did. “I’m here. I honestly don’t know what to say.”
I let my tears flow freely before realizing I was just feeling sorry for myself. I’d been the one to let this happen. I made a decision a long time ago which I thought was meant to help Evan. Jacob always told me that revealing the twins to him would only force him to grow up faster, but I knew he’d rush home. Evan needed that time in Europe to build his branch of the company, and I knew how excited he was. He’d even told me it was his shot at proving to Jacob that he wasn’t irresponsible. How could I have stopped that?
“Maybe this is the universe’s way of bringing you two back together? You could rekindle the magic…”
I wiped the tears off my cheeks and smiled at the shout of joy Parker let out. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but hearing him cheer and be happy made me happy. My children were my cornerstone. I’d do anything for them. Keeping them safely tucked away in my own heart was something I’d done for seven full years now. I just wasn’t ready to expose them to the fact that I wasn’t the woman they thought I was.
“I can’t do that, Shelby.” My hand reached for my tea and I sipped it. “He’d just be angry that I kept that secret for so long.”
She sat thoughtfully for a few seconds. “Then don’t tell him. Just chase the magic…He never really has to know, does he? He’d end up either accepting your life as is or move on anyway. That way you’d know if he was doing it for you or just out of obligation.”
While that sounded logical, I knew I could never do it. “But the guilt…” I mumbled. “I could never live with it. Besides, Jacob knows. I swore him to secrecy and he’s always been upset by that.”
Parker and Nicky jumped up and high-fived each other and since it was getting later already, I knew I had to stop them from getting another game started. Sitting here talking with Shelby felt good, but it wasn’t going to solve my problems. I stood and wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.
“Please, don’t tell anyone. I just have a lot of thinking to do.”
“Of course,” she said, patting my hand. “I’m gonna get Nicky out of here so you can get the twins to bed.”
I watched as she stood and walked over to the kids, and while I did, I finished my tea. The bitter taste it left in my mouth to tell my secret so easily didn’t leave.
I had refused to accept Jacob’s advice to come clean for years. So long, in fact, that he stopped telling me. Even Jacob gave up on Evan ever returning with his full heart. Jacob never shared information about his brother after admitting that Evan was dating someone else; I asked him not to. And I trusted that he was also keeping my private life private too. Unless Evan showed up on my doorstep and asked, I wanted my privacy.
But he had.
And now my privacy was threatened.
I knew I should tell him, but the guilt and shame were too heavy. I just had to stick it out and try to resist the temptation to reach for him again. Jacob would recover and Evan would return to R&D in Crescent Springs, and I would put this all behind me.
I just had to keep my distance. Which meant changes for the structure of work, but I could manage that.