13. Amber
13
AMBER
B eing back in the school just weeks after learning how badly Parker was struggling felt like a choke hold. After Jacob’s heart attack and how strangely things developed with Evan, I had been so busy and distracted I hadn’t put anymore thought into things. Jacob had a few suggestions, but I hadn’t chased them up yet.
“It was great for Mona to watch the kids. I sure hope Nicky isn’t being a pain.” Shelby walked next to me. Our shoes left puddles on the floor. I was shocked they hadn’t canceled tonight’s open house after the snow that had fallen all day.
“I’m sure she’s fine.” I waved off her concern. Mom was amazing with children, especially Vera and Parker. Chances were the boys were gaming while Mom read books to Vera.
“Well, it was nice of her. I might just have to keep her in mind if I ever get a hot date like you.” Shelby hooked her arm through mine as we perused the bulletin boards. Her dumb grin made me smile too.
“He’s not a hot date,” I hissed playfully, but I knew what she was thinking. After sleeping over last Friday at Evan’s house things shifted. Shelby kept goading me, picking on me for liking him so much. She didn’t know how complicated I thought things were. She saw them as a natural progression into something more.
“Oh, but he’s hot.” Her elbow pushed into my side in a gentle nudge as we stopped to look at the winter snowflakes board. Parker’s was creative, but as usual Vera’s excelled. He had made a simple white paper snowflake cut with scissors. Vera, on the other hand, had embellished hers with glitter glue and cotton to give it a sparkly soft effect.
“We have some artists.” Shelby pointed up at Nicky’s which was also embellished simply with blue and purple colored pencils and a few cutouts. It was sweet seeing all the different art done by the second graders here. It wasn’t so sweet when Ms. Newsome walked up to Shelby and me with eyebrows high.
“Hello, Ms. Lawson, I hope you’re enjoying the displays we set up for all the parents this evening.” Ms. Newsome wore her hair down this evening. A blue blazer and black slacks made her look professional but comfortable.
“Thank you. Yes, I love the snowflake art.” The stark contrast just in Parker’s artwork to other students’ skills was obvious. His handwriting where he wrote his name was another tell. He’d written his A and his K backward.
“Do you have a second?” she asked. I glanced at Shelby and decided I didn’t want to do this alone this time. Life was heavy enough on its own without adding more complications. I knew we had to do something to help Parker, and I felt bad about having put it on the back burner for so long.
“Uh, here is fine. Shelby is fine to stay.” My best friend’s grip on my hand tightened at the mention of her name like she could sense that I needed her support.
A crowd of people filtered by as Ms. Newsome cleared her throat and smiled at me. “Well, as you remember we have some decisions to make regarding Parker and Vera.”
My mind went to the day I told Jacob about what Ms. Newsome had said weeks ago. He had been so helpful and encouraging. He pointed out a few programs that could benefit them, and I had forwarded the emails on to the school but never followed up. After that Jacob was gone and I walked into a firestorm of work trying to get Evan up to speed. And rekindling things with Evan was the icing on the cake.
“Yes, I remember. I sent you a program. We’d have to fill out applications for grants and?—”
“It’s done.” Ms. Newsome folded her hands in front of herself. Her proud smile beamed at me, confusing me.
“What’s done?” I glanced at Shelby and then back to the teacher. I hadn’t done anything but share the information with them.
“I filled out the forms and submitted the grant requests. I wanted to let you know in person that Vera and Parker have both been accepted into the programs. We already have a teacher on site certified to help us and the children will start their new classes next week.”
Confusion swirled in my head. I stared at her blankly for a second before I could even process what she was saying. Then tears threatened to well up in my eyes. There were moments in life when I felt like my father was watching over me, protecting me, and this was one of those times.
“So…” I blinked hard and shook my head as I tried to wrap my mind around things. Ms. Newsome only smiled more brightly.
“Someone from Montgomery Enterprises called with all the information, offering to pay for everything if needed. The grant money is still pending, but with the donation on your behalf, Vera will be able to visit the gifted class one class period a day where she will be challenged. And Parker will do the same, but he’ll receive help in the areas he’s struggling.”
Shelby’s hand crushed mine as I shook my head in disbelief. I thought Jacob had just given me information. I had no clue he was orchestrating things behind the scenes. It made me feel even worse for not trying harder to stop by and visit him. When Erin turned me away saying he was sleeping, I should have offered to stay and clean up for her, or anything.
Dad would have been so pleased to know how his best friend was caring for me. Though, he would probably have been ashamed of me forgetting that it wasn’t every day a man would go out of his way to care for his best friend’s offspring long after his death.
“Thank you…” I muttered and Ms. Newsome nodded.
“You’re so very welcome. I’m really happy we are able to intervene so early for Parker and get him off to a great start. From here out, he should have no problem staying in the program until he’s up to par. You’ll just have to work with his teachers every year to reapply for grants.” She glanced away and her eyebrows shot up. “If you’ll excuse me, I have other parents to catch.”
“Thanks again…” I sighed as she hurried away. Gratitude in my heart made a grin spread on my lips. Jacob was my guardian angel sent by my father to be the dad I needed but no longer had. I slid my hand into my pocket, already thinking of what I’d send him as a thank-you text, but Shelby gripped my wrist.
“Good God, did you tell Evan he’s the father?” Her question snapped me out of my daydream and shock shot through my body.
I turned and used her own grip on my arm to pull her into the empty classroom. “What! My God, you can’t say that out loud. No one knows, Shelby.” My throat constricted as I glanced around hoping no one had heard her words. Evan hadn’t done this? Had he? It was Jacob. I hadn’t even mentioned this to Evan, just that Parker was dyslexic. Jacob was the one who helped me with the kids.
“Sorry,” she said, wincing.
“No…” I breathed a sigh and shut the door behind us. “Evan doesn’t know. I haven’t told him.” Guilt rained on my parade, systematically deconstructing the gratitude in my chest until I felt deflated again. “I haven’t said a word. I don’t know how to or if I even should.” How had one comment taken my night from joyful to soul crushing in a single breath?
“Christ, I’m so sorry.” Shelby’s arms wrapped around me and she hugged me for a second before letting me pull away. I covered my face with my hand and thought about what she’d said. If Evan had been the one to do this, then I had questions. Was he working on behalf of Jacob? Did he have suspicions?
Now that my peace was ruined, I knew I’d be obsessing about it all night. I felt the phone in my pocket again and thought about calling to ask him. But why would Evan do something like that? We weren’t even officially dating; he had no obligation. I dismissed the idea and sighed, then pulled Shelby back into the hallway.
“Not a word,” I grumbled, and she drew her fingers over her lips in a silent gesture indicating she was zipping it.
We finished our time at the open house and drove back to my place. I got Shelby and Nicky out the door before Mom, who insisted on reading to the twins before she left. And when they were finally in bed and I was alone, I pulled out my phone to call Jacob. My brain refused to let me rest. I had to know if he had pulled the strings and offered the school a donation or if it was Evan.
I didn’t even know if Jacob would be awake, but it didn’t stop me. He told me to always call him no matter what time of day or night. I only took advantage of that privilege a few times, but tonight felt necessary.
“Amber,” he answered, sounding wide awake, “how are you doing? It’s late…”
“Hey, Jacob.” I sighed and dived right in, no sense in wasting his time. “I’m okay. I just had a question for you…”
I sat back on my bed and stretched my legs out. My body was tense. I felt like I’d been through the wringer a time or two. Keeping this secret from Evan had been much easier when he was a distant memory. The flame that burned between us now drew me in, and I felt like my wings were being singed every time I thought about a possible future.
“Anything. What is it? How can I help you?” The same gentle tone he always used with me comforted me. Sometimes I imagined he was my father on the other end of this line, and that made tears well up in my eyes. How desperately I missed my dad.
“I had the kids open house tonight. Uh…The teacher, Ms. Newsome, said someone from Montgomery had given a large donation to the school to pay for the twins’ new special education classes. Was that you?” My breath hitched after my question, and suddenly I didn’t really want the answer.
“No, Amber. It wasn’t me.” Jacob breathed heavily and I knew the sound. He was frustrated by something, which meant he probably had the same assumption I did. That Evan was involved. “How is my brother treating you?”
The lump lodged in my throat refused to go down when I swallowed. It made my words feel choked as I said, “Good, good…He’s, uh…He’s really nice. He is letting me keep the same arrangement I have with you. So that’s good.” I bit my lip nervously. I knew he couldn’t see me but I also knew he could read me like a book even over the phone. “Did you tell him?”
My whole body felt jittery. Adrenaline thrummed through my veins making it impossible for me to stop shaking. The one thing I made Jacob promise me to never do was to tell Evan. It was my choice if he knew or not. The fact that I’d brought it to him in confidence had never been a concern of mine until now. But then, Evan hadn’t been around until now.
“No, Amber. I would never do that to you. But I do think you should tell him. I know you’re worried, but he can take it. He’s done a lot of growing up.” His soft tone returned but I couldn’t respond to him, even in his concern and caring. If he was wrong and Evan took it badly, I could lose my children. He was wealthy. I had no money to pay a lawyer to fight him.
“I, uh…You should rest. I’m sorry I bothered you, and I’m sorry I haven’t been by to visit. I tried…” My lame excuse felt as small as my feeble confidence now.
“Erin told me. It’s okay. I know you’re a busy mom. You’re taking care of your children. That’s where you belong. Don’t let an old man like me worry you.” He chuckled but it sounded forced. “Go on and rest. I’ll be back to the office before you know it. And if you need anything you call me right away.”
We said our goodbyes and I hung up. If it wasn’t Jacob who sent the school money and got the kids enrolled in that program, it had to have been Evan. No one else at Montgomery had any clue I might need the help. Evan did have access to Jacob’s email now too, so it made sense.
My hand trembled as I held my phone. The right thing to do would be to call Evan and thank him. It didn’t matter that I had this massive pressure crushing my chest, or that the secret I carried threatened to suffocate me. He had done a very nice thing for me without being obligated or asked. It was the least I could do.
So as my fingers trembled, I dialed his number and put it on speakerphone. I pressed my eyes shut waiting for him to answer, and his voice had a similar effect on my heart and mind that Jacob’s had, only for a different reason.
“Amber? Is everything okay?”
I glanced at the time and realized it was almost ten. It was sort of too late for phone calls, but it was too late to hang up and pretend I hadn’t called him.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry it’s late. I just…I was at the kids’ school.” I sighed. “Thank you for giving money for them to enter that program. I assume you saw Jacob’s emails?” My fingers found their way to the hem of my shirt, which I tugged at nervously.
“I did…” He paused for a moment then said, “I hope that’s okay. I saw an opportunity to help and I took it.”
The truth didn’t make me feel any better than my suspicion. Evan was skating dangerously close to my personal life being destroyed and it unnerved me. I massaged the bridge of my nose and sighed.
“No it’s okay. But…Jacob and I have this agreement. I just want to do things on my own. I don’t need help. I very much appreciate what you did, but I’d like it if you could let me do things my way.” The monetary gift was too much. I felt obligated to him somehow now. Jacob did things because he promised my father. It felt like my father was doing them. But Evan…He had no responsibility to me—or at least not as long as my secret stayed safe.
“I understand that, and I’m sorry. I’ll respect that boundary from now on. I just knew Parker needed some help and after my struggles, my heart went out to him. But you’re right. You’re his mother and I’ll take a step back.”
My body slumped to the side, and I curled up and put the phone closer to my head where I could hear him. “It was thoughtful though. Thank you.”
“Amber, I want to be with you. And I don’t want you to respond to that immediately. I just want you to see that I did that for you because I care. About you, about Parker and Vera.” Evan sounded so sincere it almost made me cry again. “I just want you to see how hard I’ll try to be everything you need. You can rely on me.”
While the hint of possessiveness in his tone sent up a small red flag, the idea that he wanted to be with me made me feel so torn. Jacob was amazing, but he was only a father figure. Meanwhile, I had this equally or even more so amazing man who wanted me—for me. But he felt so far out of reach because I kept pushing him away.
“Have dinner with me. Bring the kids. We’ll have a game night.”
His invitation only added another layer to the lump in my throat. I’d have shot him down instantly, but he just gave the school a lot of money. I felt like I owed him. But his house wasn’t conducive to children at all. The glass tables, expensive artwork…They’d be bored stiff. I wanted to turn him down, but I felt bad.
“Say you will?”
I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that I felt trapped. “Alright. Dinner…But I can’t sleep over again.” My boundaries were slipping away when it came to this man, and it felt like I was helpless to do anything about it. I knew what Jacob thought, but until I spoke with a lawyer about it, there wasn’t even a thought in my head about confessing.
For as kind as Evan was being, I knew the pain of being cut by a double-edged sword. I would protect myself first, and if I felt it was safe, I’d tell him later.
If I could ever wash the guilty stain off my conscience.