17. Amber
17
AMBER
I ’d been debating about what to do for too long. The choice of whether to tell Evan or not had me paralyzed, and Mom could tell. She sat with me now at the lawyer’s office waiting. The receptionist parked us in a large conference room with a low ceiling and barely adequate lighting. She told us to relax and settle in, but how could I relax? My future might be on the line and it would cost an arm and a leg.
“Please stop shaking.” Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. I oscillated between trembling fingers and tugging on the hem of my jacket. The mere thought of telling Evan the twins were his crippled me. Now consulting a lawyer felt like my ship was going under without a fight. I didn’t know how I’d let her talk me into this.
“I can’t.” My honesty was all I could offer. Mom had no idea how anxious I was. She believed in the goodness of mankind, that by nature humans were inherently benevolent. I’d lived long enough to know that wasn’t true in all cases, though I wanted to hang on to that thread of hope.
“It’s going to be fine, dear. You’ll see.” She patted my hand and I sighed. It should’ve helped, like when you come up from being underwater for a long time and suck in that first breath. That deep sigh was supposed to fill my lungs with air and then allow me to blow away my frustration and fears, but it didn’t work.
“How much longer?” I looked at my phone, tucked inside the pocket of my purse. I left the ringer on in case the school called and told Evan I had an appointment this afternoon, but not what. If it were Jacob, I could’ve simply told him where I was going. I probably should’ve said something to him. It was just happening so quickly.
The door clicked and a tall, slender, young man walked in. He was probably only my age, maybe thirty years old if that. His nails were trimmed short and he was clean-shaven. He had honest blue eyes and sandy brown, neatly coiffed hair, and it felt like something out of a TV drama.
“Hi ladies,” he said, walking toward the table. He sat down at the head of the table and laid a recording device on the wooden surface between us. His outfit, like the room, was plain—a gray suit with a white shirt and a navy-blue tie.
I adjusted the way I was sitting so I could pay better attention. Plus, it looked unprofessional for me to slouch so far in the chair. The lawyer pressed a button on the device and then introduced himself.
“My name is Mitchell Fair. I’m a family and marriage attorney. What brings you beautiful ladies in today?” He sat back in his chair and Mom gushed over the compliment as if she hadn’t been told she was beautiful in her life. I rolled my eyes.
“Well, Mr. Fair, my name is Mona Lawson, and this is my daughter Amber. We’re here about a potential custody case. I, uh—we paid the retainer out front.” Mom’s matter-of-fact attitude, and the fact that she pointed out that she had paid for the retainer, didn’t get past me. I almost chuckled at how she seemed too flattered by the young lawyer’s comment.
“I see, and which one of you young ladies is having the issue?” His eyes flicked from Mom’s to mine and I raised a timid hand, wiggling two fingers.
“I am.” I swallowed hard against the knot in my throat and for good measure, tugged the hem of my jacket. “It’s sort of a unique case.” If my hand was trembling before, it was a veritable earthquake now.
“Alright, why don’t you tell me a little about what’s going on? Divorce? Deadbeat dad? Abuse?” He tapped the table by his recording device and said, “You see, I’m recording this, so I don’t have to keep any notes. Whatever you say will be transcribed later on.”
I nodded and looked down at the flashing red light and sighed. “Well, it’s sort of complicated.” I sighed again and this time I did feel a little relief. “My twins turned seven last month, so I suppose it’s been almost eight years that I’ve been keeping this secret.”
“Secret?” he asked and his eyebrows peaked in the middle.
“Oh, dear, you’re making it sound clandestine.” Mom shook her head. “She never told the father because he ran off to Europe and then came back with some other woman. It’s really not all that.”
“I understand,” he said, and his head bobbed.
My mouth suddenly felt bone-dry. There were no drinks, not a water cooler or drinking fountain in sight. My palms were sweaty too, and maybe my armpits. The way Mom spoke, as if it were no big deal at all, only made it seem like even more of a big deal. I couldn’t utter a syllable. My tongue clung to the roof of my mouth like Velcro.
“Go on, Ms …”
“Lawson, Amber Lawson.” My eyes traced back up to his and stayed there. He seemed to be the calming force. Not that Mom wasn’t a comfort. She was; I couldn’t have done this without her. But Mr. Fair tethered me to the reality I was facing, yet he seemed calm, even after what Mom said. “My mom is right. I had this…fling with a man. It lasted about six months or something. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until after he was off in Europe at his new job. I knew he’d be gone for a few years, and the shock of finding out I was pregnant with his baby shut me down for a while.
“I didn’t know at first how to get ahold of him directly without involving his family. That idea also scared me for a while. When I reached out and asked about him, his brother told me he’d been sent there for disciplinary reasons; their board thought he could use some growing up. I didn’t know how he’d react, so I waited. In the meantime, I found out I was having twins, which was even more of a shock.
“I was struggling, barely making ends meet. So, this guy’s brother helped me get a job and an apartment. I confided that I was pregnant, and even then, he was very helpful. He was my dad’s best friend; he told my dad if anything ever happened to him he would watch out for me and my mom.” I sighed and looked down. This was where the story got really deceptive. I felt ashamed.
“What happened next?” Mr. Fair’s fingers tapped the table softly, waiting for my response, and I thought I might start crying.
“Well, I confessed to his brother that he was going to be an uncle. His brother seemed as surprised to find that out as I was. He instantly wanted to tell, but I felt scared. I promised him I’d say something as soon as Evan—er…” My cheeks instantly got hot at the slip of tongue. “As soon as his brother got home. Except when he got home, he had a new girlfriend. It was rumored they were engaged. How could I destroy that relationship?”
My hands were shaking again and tears brimmed in my eyes. Shame wrapped around me like a blanket of fog, obscuring my ability to think straight. I felt Mom push some tissues into my hand and I sniffled as I dabbed my cheeks.
“She’s got it in her head that she’s broken some sort of law.” Mom squeezed my other hand, but it wasn’t reassuring.
“Fortunately, the state of New York does not have any law for mandatory reporting, so take a big breath for me and calm down. You’re not breaking any laws.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table and folding his fingers. “What exactly do you need from me?”
The plain room didn’t feel so plain anymore. It felt comforting and warm now. Nothing busy to distract me from the solid blue color of the walls that felt more like a summer sky. No expensive paintings or lavish decor to boast about money or power. This man felt like a good friend who could help. I let the tension out of my shoulders again and sighed.
“I’ve recently had to begin interacting with him again. We’ve sort of…rekindled something. I think it may be necessary in the near future to reveal the truth to him. I want some sort of reassurance that he’s not going to take my babies away from me. If he fights me, will I lose them?” My hands were drenched. I rubbed them down the front of my suit slacks and blinked rapidly to push back any remaining tears. Then I used my finger to dab a few more tears away, careful not to smudge my mascara, which was probably already running.
“You couldn’t keep them from him. If he forced paternity, you’d be required to give him a test and if the judge sided with him, he would receive at the very least visitation. Now, that said, a judge is going to side with the mother 90 percent of the time, especially if she’s provided a good stable home.” His eyes narrowed at me and I nodded.
“I do that. They’re well taken care of.”
“Then you should have no problems. If you say you’re rekindling, why do you think he might pursue custody?” There those fingers went again, tapping the table.
“I’m just scared, I guess.” My shoulders bobbed and I sighed. “I want to cover all my bases in case he gets upset. That’s all.”
“I think you’ve got a great case. I would fight for you to maintain full custody, and in the event that he really fights, we just have to prove your worth over his. You said he ran off to Europe for disciplinary action at work; that’s a start. And he’d have to pay seven years of back child support as well as reimburse half of the prenatal and delivery care costs. That’s a huge chunk of money.”
I knew even the most astronomical cost wouldn’t stop Evan if he wanted my kids, but I hoped he wouldn’t make it come to that. I had no way of knowing, however, how he would even react. Jacob told me Evan would be fine, but I had my doubts.
On the drive across town to my place, Mom talked about my dad, how kind he was, what a good father. I let my mind drift in and out of focus, hearing some words, ignoring some. It bothered me that she was being so lighthearted about it, but maybe that was her way of helping me not get too bogged down in the heavy emotion. It still felt crushing though.
“You know, it won’t be such a bad thing. It could be the best thing for everyone, Amber. Parker and Vera deserve to know their father. If Evan is anything like Jacob, you probably won’t have an issue.” Mom reached across the center console and patted my knee. I tried to respond positively, but I was grateful when she said, “You seem stressed, honey. I’ll stay over tonight. I’ll make dinner and you can have a long hot soak. Okay?”
My phone buzzed inside my purse as she asked that, and I mumbled, “Yeah, sure,” as I pulled it out. It was a text from Evan.
Evan 4:12 PM: Hey, can you come in early tomorrow? Say six? I have that board meeting I need you to help me get prepped for it.
I stared at the phone for a long time before I looked up. I knew it was my job to show up and help him, and I knew Jacob would be counting on me to keep it together to do my job well. Part of me wanted to text back that it wasn’t a good idea, and another part of me wanted to respond yes.
Maybe first thing in the morning before anyone else was there, was the best time to tell him my secret. Or maybe not. It might make him scatterbrained or upset for the board meeting, but then when would be a good time to tell him? There was no good time. I had kept this secret for seven years, almost eight. He would be very angry no matter when it came out.
“You okay?” Mom asked, and I locked my phone and put it back in my purse.
“Not really, but thank you for offering to come over. I’d like that.” I stared out the window the rest of the drive and let my brain zone out, worrying about all the things that could go wrong if Evan reacted badly. The lawyer said he couldn’t really take them, but I still worried about it.
I wondered how well I knew him. The Evan from eight years ago was cold, calculating, and impulsive. How would a more mature Evan react though? And would I be able to hold it together for my twins’ sake?