22. Rose
22
ROSE
T he pile of tissues next to me was larger than the tissue box from which I pulled them. I'd been crying a lot more than was healthy, but pregnancy emotions just got to me. I wasn't fond of the morning sickness either, though that had been manageable. I ate some dry saltines before I got out of bed like my mom suggested, and it seemed to help.
I curled up into a ball on the couch and looked at the TV screen where the movie Alana and I were watching was paused. She was sort of my stand-in partner for the moment. Rick had said some hurtful things about me, and she asked him to keep his distance from the apartment for a few days while I dealt with my heart being broken. Right now, she was around the corner at the drugstore getting some more tissues and a pint of ice cream for each of us.
I hadn't spoken with Cole in two weeks. At plus or minus eight weeks pregnant, I knew there was only so much longer I could go without telling him—because I felt like I was already starting to get a baby bump—but I didn't know how to bring it up. He hadn't been around when I stopped by his office, and he hadn't responded to my texts asking if he was okay, either.
When I showed up at his apartment thinking we would have a discussion about the baby and I'd get a sense for whether he wanted it or not, he bit my head off. I could see he was battling something every day that week, anyway. He was taking off work, showing up late, and I was shocked to find him drunk when I showed up at his house for dinner expecting to tell him he was going to be a father.
Now I didn't know what to do. Cole was going through something and so was I. The problem was that I was more than ready to be vulnerable and honest with him, but he didn't seem to want the same thing. The words Kiki said came back to haunt me. I wondered if this was what she meant by the fact that he didn't want to open up to anyone. Maybe he would never open up enough to trust another woman with his heart and what he was feeling again, and maybe it was never going to work between us.
That thought made me cry harder, just as Alana walked back into the apartment with our ice cream and my tissues. She was used to seeing me cry now, and she assured me that she understood my plight. Being pregnant was a huge step for any woman. Being pregnant when you were single was massive. But with my getting pregnant, knowing she depended on my income to support her as much as I did, and knowing my mother was hours away, my boyfriend couldn't be what I needed right now, and fear over losing my job?
"Hey," she said, sitting down next to me. She'd stopped by the kitchen to grab two spoons and she handed me one, along with a pint of cookie dough ice cream.
I tore the lid off and plunged my spoon into the ice cream as tears streamed down my face. I had no clue why I got myself into this mess. I should’ve listened to Alana to begin with. She may have been wrong about Cole pressuring me or manipulating me because he was older and wealthy too, but she hadn't been wrong about protecting myself.
I wasn't stupid. I knew that things could potentially end up not working out. No relationship was one hundred percent guaranteed, even marriages. Everyone had arguments. Every relationship took work and compromise. I just didn't think I'd end up pregnant and regretting my choices so early on. I thought I had time to process things and make good decisions, and getting drunk one night was just a huge mistake.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay, Rose." Alana took a bite of her own ice cream and tried to encourage me, but I knew she was wrong. It wouldn’t be okay. I had a doom and gloom stamp on my forehead. I attracted bad Karma wherever I went, probably thanks to my rebellious teenage years. Mom always said they would come back to haunt me, and look at me now.
"How will it be okay?" I asked through a mouthful of ice cream. "I'm going to have to do this on my own, Alana. What will happen when I have to take a few months off when I give birth? What then?"
"You could still do adoption or…" Her sentence faded away before she said it, and I knew what she was thinking.
"Termination isn't an option." I offered a stony expression and she nodded. "And how could I ever carry this baby to term and then give it up? My heart would never be the same." There was a good chance she couldn't even understand me because I had ice cream in my mouth and I was crying, but she offered a soft smile and patted my knee.
"Then I'll help support you."
Her weak attempt at making me feel better was failing. I could see how much she cared and wanted me to feel encouraged, but she couldn’t do this on her own. That was the reason she put that ad in the paper for a roommate. How would she do it while I was on leave, and how could I begin to pay the medical bills? Not to mention the fact that she didn't know thing one about raising a baby and Mom wouldn’t exactly be comfortable staying here for any amount of time.
"I might have to move home," I said, and the sobs rose up before I could choke them back. I didn’t want to move home. I wanted to stay in Denver and work at Twin Peaks. It was something I had strived toward for months before finally getting the interview. It felt like life was falling into place for me, and now it felt like life was falling apart just as quickly.
"Oh…" she said, sighing. "But I feel like we just found each other." Alana touched my leg again and her shoulders drooped. "You know how long I've wanted to have a close friend like you? I don't want you to leave. I'll just get a second job or something to save up for while you're on maternity leave."
The emotion in her voice made me cry harder. I hated this. I wanted my life to be normal without disruptions. I wanted Cole to figure out whatever it was he was going through and help me with this. If he supported me, I wouldn't have to move back home and leave Alana alone. I wouldn't have to feel like I was doing this entirely on my own, either, and I wouldn't be freaking out.
"I don't know, Alana. I need my mom, I think. I've never been pregnant or even thought about it. I don't know what to expect or how to feel. You have to understand… You’d want your mom around too." I frowned as I shoved more ice cream in my mouth and tried not to think about all my hopes and dreams going up in flames.
Alana set her ice cream down and reached for the unopened tissue box and tore the plastic wrap off it and opened it. She handed me a few and kept one for herself. I didn't even realize she was crying until she dabbed her eyes, and I felt horrible. This wasn't just going to affect me. It was already affecting her too. My poor choice one night in the back seat of a car was going to upset everything in my life and the people I cared about.
The next day, Alana came home from work early. I took the day off and slept in. I made my first sonogram appointment to make sure my little guy was doing okay, but it came with heavy emotions. It shouldn't have been my roommate and practically new best friend driving me to the appointment. Cole should’ve been here. He should be the one supporting me, but he was too busy with whatever stress it was weighing him down to even have a conversation with me.
"You ready?" Alana asked as we got out of the car and headed into the clinic. She held my hand and squeezed it, and I looked her in the eye nervously. I wasn't ready, but I didn't get a choice. Time marched forward without restraint and I was struggling to keep up.
I nodded, and we walked in. I didn't even have to wait for a few minutes before the nurse called us back. She led us to a small exam room with a single table and a machine with a large computer screen.
"You can set your purse there," she said, gesturing at the counter, "and go ahead and climb up there. You'll want to undo your button on your jeans and pull your shirt up." Her smile was cheery.
I imagined she was probably used to doing this test on mothers who planned their pregnancies and who had their partner with them. I felt sick in the stomach over it, wishing Cole were here, but I just knew if he was too stressed to deal with his own life as it was, he'd never manage this on top of all of that.
I climbed on the exam table and lay down, unbuttoning my pants. Then I pulled my shirt up over my belly, exposing it to the chilled air of the air-conditioned room. Alana stood by me with her hand gripping mine and smiling down at me reassuringly as the nurse approached with gloved hands.
"Are you two ready for baby to come?" she asked happily, and I winced.
"Uh, we're not together," I told her. She was probably used to that too, and that made Alana snicker. "The father isn’t in the picture." My eyes threatened to well up as I made that pronouncement. It felt like the deathblow to any hope I had of Cole finally reaching out to me and trying to make things right after he bit my head off.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that. You never know these days," she said, placing the wand on my stomach. The gel she applied to the end of it was cold, making me shiver, and almost instantly, we heard a faint heartbeat. "Well lookie there. This little guy is happy to see you."
The nurse turned the monitor so I could see the distant outline of a baby's head and body. I wasn't great at making out the rest of the image, but I could see the round head and smiled. It wasn't scary at all. It was exactly how I pictured it and it started to warm my heart. I was going to be a mom. It was something I always wanted, just maybe not like this.
Alana squealed quietly and patted my shoulder, and I couldn't help the smile creeping across my face. It was a sweet moment hearing the heartbeat for the first time. I thought I would feel more scared or nervous, but it was beginning to calm me down as I accepted that motherhood was in my future.
"So, can you tell what it is?" Alana asked, and I looked up at the nurse's expression of surprise.
"Uh…" she said, looking down at me with a huge grin.
"So, can you?" I asked too, suddenly curious to know whether I'd have a boy or a girl.
"Well, I can't tell you the sex but I can tell something else." Her grin only got larger as she pointed to the monitor. I was curious, so I watched her fingers. "See this dark spot?"
"Yeah," I told her, squinting. It felt like she'd zoomed out.
"And this one?" she said, moving her finger to another spot on the screen.
I didn't understand what she was saying but suddenly, I didn't feel so good. My eyes focused and unfocused as she finagled the wand and suddenly, I thought the heartbeat was echoing.
"Two?" Alana said softly.
"Yes, two. Ms. Williams, you're having twins." The nurse's statement took my breath and left me heaving. I turned over the side of the bed, and Alana darted out of the way as I threw up.
Twins?
It hit my chest like a ton of bricks and I choked on my own vomit. I couldn't have twins. I could barely wrap my mind around one baby. How would I ever do two at once? This couldn't be happening. I needed Cole—now.