25. Cole
25
COLE
R ose walked out of my office, and I sank behind my desk. The way she swept into my presence and took me by surprise literally changed my entire perspective on things. My hand trembled as I reached for my bottle of soda to have a drink. I had a few more things to finish up here at work before heading home, but reuniting with her had made my day.
We had a short discussion, limited because she was starting her shift, and I felt a lot better about things. She told me she'd heard about the lawsuit and she felt bad for not understanding. It was my fault. I hadn't been open or honest with her, and I never gave her a chance to be understanding or supportive. I had underestimated her ability to see me in a good light. I thought she'd be judgmental, and I realized how judgmental that was of me to think that.
Despite the lawsuit and the tremors, I sat there with a stupid grin on my face. Rose Williams was really the most amazing thing to happen to me in the longest time, and I was an idiot for ever thinking otherwise. Yes, she had seemed guarded, but I knew we were taking a huge risk by even being alone in my office together, let alone having sex at work while we were on the clock. I knew people had been fired for less, so I tried not to read too much into it. If she wasn't going to hold my bad attitude against me, I wasn’t going to hold her standoffish behavior against her.
I walked out of my office to finish a few last patient checks with a bounce in my step. She would never be able to understand how much it meant for her to be in my corner. She didn't even know all the facts, but she fully supported me and promised it wasn't something that would separate us. There was still a bit of anxiety rolling around inside my head over the hand tremors and what she'd think, but I tried to push that away. Thinking of that made me worry about my future again, and I wanted to stay in my happy place.
I visited Mrs. Whitaker, a patient who saw a different doctor, but his vacation conflicted with her recovery. I volunteered to check up on her, and she was doing fine. Then I checked on Mr. Fischer who had a hernia surgery done in an emergency situation. I felt a bit useless at times since I was refraining from snagging surgeries, but I knew until my specialist and I got a follow-up, it would be difficult for me to hide the tremors. I made do by helping others, and right now, I was flying under the hospital board’s radar.
When the patient visits were up, I checked the time and realized I only had a few minutes left until my checkup. Dr. Ballard and I had scheduled a video conference for this evening, and I was anxious to update him on the status of my tremors. I turned toward my office and made sure to lock the door when I stepped through the door. This appointment was crucial to helping me maintain my confidence.
I logged on to my computer and waited. About three minutes until I was scheduled to join the teleconference, I got an email with the link. I ran a hand through my hair and clicked the link, and my computer joined the session. Dr. Ballard's face appeared on my screen, and I turned the volume down to make sure no one outside my office could hear.
"Dr. Hastings, how are you doing today?" Dr. Ballard smiled at me, but I was too nervous to smile back.
"I, uh… I'm doing alright. You?" My hand shook a little, and I tucked it under the desk and clasped it together with my other hand.
"I'm well, thank you. I have all the results back from your imaging and blood work, and I'm not surprised to have to tell you there isn't anything conclusive here. How have you been feeling?" His words didn't surprise me, either. Despite wishing there would have been some easy diagnosis for this and a quick, easy treatment—no matter how painful—my gut told me this would be the case.
"I'm doing okay. A little stressed at times, and worried, but I'm in good health." That was a total lie, but what was I supposed to say to the man? The words "little" and "stress" didn't belong in the same sentence.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. What about the tremors? Are the beta blockers working?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly, but I had no good news for him. It was soul crushing to admit it, but the most basic treatments weren't working.
"My tremors haven't gotten any better. I hate to say it, but the stress level is affecting me. I drank for a little while, but I realized that wasn’t good and I stopped. The tremors are a little worse now, and I'm not happy about it." Being honest about this was my only option. He couldn’t help me if I lived in denial. He was a specialist who saw this all the time and treated it. If anyone could help, it was him.
He frowned at me and nodded as if accepting his own defeat with the initial treatment option. "Well, we can try another beta blocker, but in my experience if one doesn't work, none do." He sighed and looked back down at whatever it was in his hand, then back at me. "We have a few options, but they're not great. They'll take you out of the game for a while."
That was exactly what I didn’t want to hear. Between the trip with Rose and the time I'd been off due to freaking out and calling in sick, I had no more paid time off to use up. I had to save a few days for around the holidays and even then, I'd be pushing it. But I wanted to know his options.
"What are they?"
"Well, we can do some deep brain stimulation, but it will take a while to recover from that. Or there is a new treatment with Botox, but it's not promising yet." He rubbed his face and looked thoughtful. "But let’s try these new beta blocker and see what they do. I'd like you to try a yoga class or some sort of stress relief. It will definitely help you if you're less stressed."
Hearing him tell me I had to decrease my stress felt like a death sentence to my career. I was living through the most stressful thing of my life. Even losing Kate hadn’t felt like this. Sure, some of the pressure was off after learning Rose knew about the lawsuit now, but the lawsuit was still looming. I couldn't just wave my hand and make it go away. Not to mention how stressed I was over these hand tremors to begin with.
"Sure, new beta blockers," I told him, and I knew the other treatment options weren't even options. I couldn't have deep brain stimulation without burning through two more weeks of paid time off, which I didn't have. And Botox was so new, I didn't trust it. I didn't want someone shooting Botox into my brain.
"Alright. I'll call in a scrip to your pharmacy, and you take some time to relax. Let's schedule a follow-up in four weeks, shall we?" He smiled again, and this time, I couldn't even offer a calm expression. I just nodded.
"Yeah, thanks, Doc." I waited for him to disconnect the call, and then I turned off my computer. It wasn’t at all the news I wanted to hear, though I wasn't sure that I even expected anything different.
My life really did attract all sorts of negative garbage, and Rose was such a gem for being a part of it. I just hoped the negative things didn't scare her away. I had a feeling I was going to a dark place again, and I knew how it affected her last time.