Chapter Twenty-Seven
A Freedom So Fake
Adreana
Now that I have decided to get away from them, all of them, I need to examine my life. I need to reflect on everything that has happened and the part I played in it.
Grabbing a bottle of white wine and the biggest glass I can find, I make my way upstairs to my bedroom. I do my best to not look at the massive dark stain beside my bed as I walk into the bathroom. I open the warm water, adding in a copious amount of bubble bath, and lighting several candles, before lowering my body into the water. I fill the wineglass and drink half of it down before refilling again.
On the mat beside the bath, Daisy lies on the flat of her back, snoring loudly, making me smile.
I lay in the water, thinking back on everything that has happened. Trying to piece together where exactly things went wrong. If I can pinpoint the singular moment this entire fuckup started, I may be able to walk things back. Something. Anything.
I rub at the center of my chest, the pain radiating from my center. How the fuck did I end up here? In love with four men, one of whom I used to hate with every fiber of my being. I can still hear the pain in Mana’s voice when he howled at my receding form earlier. It actually caused me physical pain to walk away from him, from them. But I must take care of myself before I end up dead because of something they did or didn’t do.
And then there is Bowen. Motherfucking Bowen. He could have just kept his mouth shut and left me in the dark. I honestly think I would have been better off.
Footsteps sound in my room before the bathroom door is pushed open.
“I told you I want to be alone.”
I don’t even turn to see who the hell it is. I don’t want to see any of them. When there is no response, I turn my head and look over my shoulder. Shock courses through me right beside a massive dose of fear.
“Emma?”
She looks worse for wear. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy ponytail, she isn’t wearing any makeup for the first time in probably five years, and she isn’t dressed to the nines. Instead, she wears a powder pink tracksuit. She looks more like herself than she has in years, and it weirds me out.
“You’re not welcome here either,” I say once the shock wears off, turning away from her.
If she’s here to try to kill me again, I would rather not look at her.
“I just want to talk,” she says softly.
“There isn’t a single thing you can say that I want to hear.” My words are cold, callous, final. She may be my sister biologically but that is where our connection ends.
“Just let me say my peace, and I will be out of your life. Forever,” she pleads softly.
My heart is already broken, torn to shreds from what I had to do earlier. And now I have to deal with her shit on top of everything? It’s simpler to just let her talk, and then get rid of her, than arguing about whatever she wants for the next ten minutes.
“Fine. Make it quick.”
I listen to her make her way into the bathroom, the low lighting keeping her partially hidden from me. Daisy growls lowly and I can’t help but smile. She has never been overly fond of Emma. I should have trusted her gut instead of believing in family loyalty.
Emma closes the toilet, taking a seat, her legs crossed. She stares at me for the longest time.
“You’re different,” she says softly.
“Your point?”
“You’ve always had my back. But something changed.”
“I got tired of having to clean up your messes. I got tired of dragging your drugged-out ass out of Harken every few days. You needed some tough love,” I explain even though I don’t feel like she deserves my reasoning. “I couldn’t have my own life because I was babysitting you and I just got tired of your shit.”
I expect her to rage, to argue with everything I’ve said, but she nods her agreement.
“You just took over when Mom and Dad died. You took care of the house, took care of me. You did everything. Being responsible just came easier to you.” I stare at her in shock and she gives me a sad smile. “You always did what was best for me so I didn’t have to think,” she whispers.
I continue to stare, my anger piquing deep inside my chest. “You had no fucking right to use me as a replacement parent,” I seethe between clenched teeth.
“I know.”
His words soothe my rage instantly. What the fuck is going on here?
“What is this?” I ask with a raised brow.
“I’m going to rehab,” she says, watching me as she speaks. “It may be too little, too late for me to save our relationship but you deserve to know. I’m sorry. Not just for trying to kill you but for everything I’ve put you through the past few years.”
“Emma, words are not going to fix what is wrong between us.”
Once more, my palm goes to my chest and I rub hard against my breastbone. How is one person supposed to handle so much pain and heartache?
“I know,” she says. “I need to do something big. I need to turn my life around and show you I can be there for you like you always have been for me.”
“You tried to kill me.”
“And of all the stupid things I’ve done, that’s the one thing I really wish I could take back. But we both know life doesn’t work that way.”
“You expect me to simply believe you?”
“I expect my actions to prove my words. I expect this to be hard and it will take a long time before you want to be near me again,” she replies earnestly. “But I need to do this before I end up in prison, or dead.”
“I’m happy you want to get clean and do better for yourself, but I’m done with you,” I say harshly, not wanting to listen to her anymore. “I’ve listened. You can leave now.”
Emma stands, a tear tracking across her cheek. “I really am sorry, Addi. For everything.”
She’s almost out of the bathroom when I call out to her. “Emma?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t ever fucking come back.”
The door clicks closed softly and then I am alone again. Alone in the quickly cooling bathwater. Alone in my heartache that just seems to keep growing. Alone in life.
I have a choice on this last part, though. I can choose to stay away from Mana, Kaleb, Lethe, and even Bowen, or I can embrace what I might have with them. The thought of losing them makes my heart palpitate and my breathing accelerate. I don’t want to lose them. Not a single one.
But then I remember the feeling of the darkness swimming in my soul, holding my mind and my body hostage. I still feel dirty after what happened in the graveyard, after the memories Kaleb’s mother’s ghost shared with me.
Having them, being with them, is never going to be simple.
As far as I know, the only human one is Kaleb. At least, that’s from what I’ve seen so far.
I should really be running as fast as my legs will carry me. The only problem is, I want to run to Harken. To Mana. To Kaleb. To Lethe and Bowen.
But somehow, I feel like that will be the worst thing to do. Sitting upright, I pull my knees against my chest and allow my emotions to take over. The tears come fast and furious. I cry until I have the hiccups, the bubbles are gone, and the water is frigid.
Eventually, I force myself to move. After drying off I wrap myself in a bathrobe.
“Come on, Daisy,” I say softly, padding down the hallway and into the lounge. “Tomorrow, we will find someone to replace the carpet. But, for tonight, we’ll sleep on the pull-out couch.”
It takes a minute to get the futon to work, but the moment it is open, Daisy jumps up, turns in circles for a bit before lying down, and resumes her snoring. I smile as I grab a pillow and blanket before going to sleep beside her. Maybe, if I’m lucky, the world will make more sense tomorrow.