Chapter 16
Our respective family members and friends exchanged more concerned glances as we left the Ironside home. They weren’t exactly subtle about it. Theo’s surprising words of wisdom and my own fears of turning into someone I didn’t like forced me to reexamine the way I played out this marriage.
Was I really not strong enough to forge a friendship with Allegra without it turning into something more?
On reflection, I refused to believe I had such little self-control as that.
As Allegra sat in stony silence on the drive back to the house, I considered all the reasons I’d put up this barrier between us. And if I was honest with myself, it was mostly self-protection. Not just from her and the way she made me feel, but from letting her know me. Really know me. To know where I came from and the bad shit I’d done in my life before my grandfather gave me a chance to be better.
The security lights on the house cast a warm glow over Allegra’s soft features as she waited for me to let her in. When I didn’t move, she finally looked at me. There was that sensation again. Like I’d just been punched in the gut.
I was determined not to let it scare me off.
“I don’t work tomorrow,” I told her as we stood in the cool night air. Sundays were my one day off. Georgie worked Sundays, and he took Mondays off. “I don’t need to get up early.”
A slight wrinkle marred her brow. “Okay …”
“Would you …” I cleared the gruffness from my voice. “Would you sit with me a while? We could … talk.”
Surprise glittered in her eyes.
I waited for her to reject me. To punish me for being such a bastard. I wouldn’t blame her. Instead, she surprised me right back.
She exhaled slowly. “I’d like that.”
Relieved, I let us into the house and locked the door behind us. “Drink?”
“Tea. I’ll make it.”
“I’ll get it,” I assured her as we kicked off our shoes and then wandered through the living room. Gesturing to the sofa, I said, “Get comfy. I’ll bring it ben.”
“You’ll bring it what?”
Stopping, I glanced back at her. “Four years you’ve lived here, and you’ve never heard someone say ben?”
She shook her head in amusement, before curling up at the end of the couch. “Never.”
I chuckled at that, scrubbing a hand over my face. “Maybe it’s more of a Lowland thing, I’m not sure. Granddad and Sarah always knew what I meant. It just means ‘I’ll bring it through.’ You could say, ‘I’m coming ben.’ Or ‘I’ll bring it ben to you,’ or ‘Bring it ben to the kitchen, living room, etc.’”
Her gorgeous smile widened. “I’ve never heard that. I wonder if North says it.”
“You learn something new every day.” I shrugged and left to fetch the tea and a decaf coffee for myself.
“Why don’t you have a dog?” Allegra suddenly called from the living room.
Amused and bemused by the question, I called back, “Why would I?”
“Don’t all farmers have dogs?”
“I didn’t need one. My shepherd brought his.”
“You should have a dog.”
Chuckling, I grabbed the mugs and sauntered back into the living room. “And why is that?”
Allegra took hers from me, and I settled down on the other end of the couch. She turned, knees drawn to her chest so she could face me. “This house needs a dog running to greet you.”
“Did you have family pets growing up?”
She considered me, as if still taken aback I was asking personal questions. “Mamma didn’t want pet hair in the house. Even though she was rarely in it herself.”
At the tinge of bitterness, I said, “I didn’t realize things were rubbish between you and your parents.”
Lowering her gaze, she shrugged. “It is what it is.”
There was a coolness in her response, a distance.
She didn’t trust me with the whys and hows. And why should she? I had made it clear I wasn’t interested in being her friend.
I had to make the first move.
And the only way I was going to get over the fear that she’d judge me for who I really was—and maybe even end this ruse between us because of it—was just to tell her.
The words stuck in my throat. I didn’t tell my story often. In fact, I hadn’t really told my story to anyone but Granddad and Sarah. Georgie knew bits and pieces. I was rusty at trusting people with that part of me. That kid seemed like a world away from who I was now.
“I’m not close to my parents.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I had Allegra’s focused attention.
I gave her a joyless smirk. “My grandfather was my dad’s dad. Unlike Sarah’s dad, mine decided that life in a wee Highland village on a farm was beneath him. He left Ardnoch as soon as he could. Moved to Glasgow. Got mixed up with drugs and crime. Knocked my mum up. She grew up in foster care, so she had no one. And my dad bailed on us when I was four. My dad had previously asked my grandparents for money, so they knew about me. I’d met them. They tried to help when they could, but my mum was too proud to ask for it. She’d send me here for the summers, but she wouldn’t take anything from them. My granddad used to slip cash into my bag before I went home, told me to hide it and use it if I needed it.
“Sometimes we really needed it. Mum tried. She did. She worked hard, but it meant leaving me alone a lot. And she went through men like …” I shook my head. “Looking back, I can see it for what it was. She was just desperate to find someone to take care of her. But she also let them treat her like shit. Let them treat me like shit. I can’t tell you how many punches I took so she wouldn’t.”
Emotion gleamed in Allegra’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jared.”
“Don’t be.” I huffed a wee bit shakily. It was only then I realized my heart was pounding with this trip down memory lane. “I was a wee prick too. Angry at my dad, angry at her, angry at life. I started knocking around with the wrong lads. It was easy to find trouble. We jacked cars. We sold drugs. Broke into homes and took things from people who barely had anything.” I sneered at that past self. “I was scum. And it took my mates almost beating one of our own boys to death before I woke up. I didn’t want to be that. I wanted to be better than my dad. I wanted to just be better.”
“Is that how you ended up here?”
She didn’t look horrified.
Only sad. Sympathetic.
My heart slowed a little and I nodded, remembering vividly that night after I’d dropped Welsh off at the hospital. The pure self-loathing I’d felt after dumping him at the entrance and driving off to save myself from being charged. I was twenty-one. Living in a shithole with a mate I didn’t particularly like, surrounded by stuff we’d stolen. Leaving a guy who was supposed to be my pal alone to possibly die, all because he’d shagged the wrong girl. Thankfully, he’d lived. And I’d called my granddad and told him I needed help. That I needed to get away. Far enough away the guys I ran around with wouldn’t follow.
“My grandmother had died a few years before, and a few years before that when Sarah was about twelve, they’d taken her in. After her dad died, her mum took her away and she’d had a similar childhood to me. She was smart enough to ask for help earlier than I did.
“My grandfather didn’t hesitate. He told me there was a place here if I was willing to work hard, and so I jumped on a train the next morning and never looked back. My mum is still in Glasgow. She sends a Christmas card each year, but we haven’t spoken in over a decade. It’s sad, but I don’t miss her like I should. She always felt more like a roommate than a mum. And Granddad … he was how I always thought a dad should be. He could be a belligerent auld bastard.” I chuckled, grief burning in my throat. “But he loved me and Sarah. He gave us a second chance at life. I’ll never be able to repay him for that.”
“Your grandfather sounds like he was a really special person.”
I smiled, thinking how he would have blustered about being called special. “Aye, he was.”
“And your dad? Did you ever hear from him again?”
Expression grim, I nodded. “He was in and out of my life while I lived in Glasgow. Usually when he needed money. And I heard from him a few days ago. In fact, just before you came to me with the marriage proposal, he approached me for the first time in years.” I took a chug of the coffee and then placed the cup down on the side table. “He’s one of the reasons I said yes to you. He threatened to contest my grandfather’s will and take the farm off me with plans of selling all the land.”
“That asshole,” she snapped, her dark eyes sparkling with fury. On my behalf. “Let him try. I have access to the best freaking lawyers on the planet. We’ll destroy him.”
Tenderness and guilt mingled at her fierce declaration.
I’d told her the worst of me … and yet she offered me this … a kind of blind loyalty.
Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. To press her down into the couch and cover every inch of her with me. My taste, my scent, my heat … I wanted her to drown in it and I wanted to drown in hers.
Her breath caught, her gaze dipping to my mouth as if she could feel my sudden hunger.
“Jared?” she whispered.
There was desire in her eyes but confusion in her tone. It was enough to snap me out of the dangerous spell she’d put me under. I yanked my gaze from her and cleared my throat. What had we been saying?
My dad.
Right.
“He, uh, he texted me a few days ago and he knows about us. So he knows that he’s fucked financially. He’s just trying to mess with my head.”
I felt a touch on my hand and turned to find her slim fingers covering mine.
When our eyes met, she offered sympathetically, “I’m sorry.” Her touch was brief. I wanted to snatch her hand back to me.
Attempting to orient myself, to get us back on track, I asked bluntly, “Why don’t you get along with your parents?”
She drew her knees even tighter to her chest. “I … um … it’s not … it’s hard to explain.”
Tamping down my frustration, I pushed, “You don’t have to tell me anything, Allegra. But you can trust me. What I told you … I’ve only ever told my grandfather and Sarah.”
“Really?”
“Aye, really. I’m not exactly a fountain of information, if you hadn’t noticed.”
She chuckled at my droll self-deprecation and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. I followed the movement, swallowing the urge to bridge the distance between us on the couch.
“I haven’t told anyone.”
That’s when I saw it. What Theo had mentioned. A hollow sadness in Allegra’s eyes. It was always there, I realized. I’d seen it before. I’d tried not to wonder at it and told myself it was none of my business. She was good at covering it up with smiles and optimism.
“Not even Aria?”
She shook her head. “Especially not Aria.” Her exhale this time was long and shaky.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” I promised her.
Allegra considered this. “Whatever happened tonight … I know you are making an effort to get to know me. Right?”
“Right.”
“Why?”
“Because … we’re alone in this bargain. Just you and me. And I didn’t want you to be lonely. Just because this is a business deal doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Right?”
Nibbling on her bottom lip, she took a moment before nodding. “I am lonely.”
Fuck.
“Allegra … I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She blinked away tears. “I’ve been lonely for a really long time.”
That killed. That killed way more than it should for someone I wasn’t supposed to care that deeply for. “Why?” My voice was gruff with the feeling.
“I was … I’ve been forced to keep secrets. To protect myself. To protect Aria … Only my therapist knows and it’s not the same. She’s paid to keep my secrets, you know. I just … I feel like everyone sees me as Chiara and Wesley Howard’s daughter. A Malibu princess. And then I feel like the people who actually know me see me as a grand fuck-up. The one who Sloane Ironside had to save from a psycho when she was seventeen years old, after which her family forced her into rehab.” She shook her head. “That’s not who I feel like I am inside. I was just really angry and messed up and I had reason … and I can’t tell anyone. I can’t tell the one person who matters more to me than anyone the real reason. So now I will always be the selfish sister. The one with impulse control issues.” She gestured between us, laughing bitterly. “I guess marrying a guy for a visa doesn’t exactly prove otherwise.”
“Tell me,” I implored. “Tell me what you can’t tell Aria. I promise it will never leave this room.”