7. Kabir
Chapter 7
Kabir
There’s still work to be done.
My agitation is at an all-time high, causing words on the page to blur together and images on the screen to dance each time I try to focus.
I need a break.
I need a glass or six of whiskey, neat. A long pull of my own proprietary blend from my hookah. Perhaps an intense, physically demanding scene that lasts for hours.
Any of my vices would do. Most, however, are not an option tonight.
Hence why I’ve relegated myself to the hot tub I found on a lower-level deck of the Crusade Mansion.
I’m ruminating, sulking over the pain and frustration I caused Garrett, Levi, Sione, and Hunter. Licking my wounds as I give them space to process today’s events and how my actions affected them.
I expected their individual ire.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the soul-crushing weight of their collective pain. The combined anger and disappointment directed at me is a burden I wouldn’t wish on most of my enemies.
On Magnolia, surely. In a heartbeat.
But no one else.
I’ve been ostracized from the group by my own actions. But what’s done is done. I stand by my choices. Though I admit I had not considered Levi’s mother into the equation.
Perhaps it was shortsighted to assume Magnolia wouldn’t adapt so quickly to what should have been startling news. I’m loath to think that I underestimated her, and yet she barely faltered when I dropped the bomb about Hunter’s blood work.
The woman is cunning. A worthy opponent if I’ve ever encountered one.
No matter. The game has truly just begun, and I never initiate without full confidence in my ability to win.
Commotion on the staircase pulls me from my thoughts. A man’s voice cuts through the night air first, then a woman’s. My heart does not react to either of them.
Nevertheless, I hold my breath and wait, hoping in vain that another member of my cohort is looking for me.
Hunter’s best friend Josephine and her husband appear on the landing, and I exhale, defeated.
As he rounds the corner, Decker’s steps falter, and he instinctively throws a hand out to halt Josephine as well. He observes me through the dark, and I stare right back at him. Once he discerns that I’m not a threat, they resume their approach, murmuring quietly to one another.
“I’m just finishing up,” I call out, drifting through the bubbling water toward the side. I find my footing, and as I emerge, the cold night air transforms the water into icy-hot trails sluicing down my torso. Just as I reach for a towel, Decker steps closer.
“We’re the ones interrupting you,” he says. “Don’t leave on our account. We don’t mind if you stay.” Jaw clenched tight, he glances at Josephine for confirmation.
With her hair piled high on top of her head and one hand resting on a popped hip, she raises her eyebrows at her husband, then turns to me and scowls.
Clearly, Hunter has spoken to her friend about today’s happenings. Yet another shortsighted choice on my part, agreeing to live at the Crusade Mansion. I had not previously considered the consequences of cohabitating with individuals who do not have the kind of foundational trust in me as the members of my cohort do.
“It’s fine,” Joey relents, the two words dripping with disdain.
She makes quick work of pulling off the oversized red jersey she’s wearing. As she drops it to the deck in a heap, I glide back to my original seat and settle into the corner to survey the lake.
With a hiss, Josephine lowers herself into the water.
“Want me to turn it down, Siren?”
“No,” she assures her husband. “I just need a minute to get used to it.”
Decker divests himself of his T-shirt, then takes great care to fold it and place it on a chair near the towels. His swimming trunks are fitted, with a five-inch inseam that shows off the exquisite angles of his body. Even in the dark, with only the light of the moon and the glow from the hot tub lights, I can appreciate the sharp edges and perfect planes of his form.
He’s as fit as Garrett and Levi, maybe more so. It’s surprising and impressive, since the man no longer plays football. According to Hunter, he sacrificed what had the potential to be an extremely successful professional sports career in order to protect his family. I admire that level of dedication.
For several long moments, the churning water and whirring of the jets are the only sounds.
Once she’s used to the water, Josephine nestles into Crusade’s lap, her back against her husband’s frame with her head tipped to the side so it rests on his shoulder.
My chest tightens as I observe the ease with which she gives him her full weight. What I wouldn’t give to hold my girl like that tonight.
After a few minutes, she lifts her head. “So,” she starts, a glint of mischief in her eyes. “Are you out here all alone pouting?”
“Josephine,” Decker hisses, his lips ghosting the skin of her neck.
“What? We all know what happened earlier. And I’m not convinced he understands just how badly he hurt them.”
Decker lets out an agitated grunt, but I’m not sure if it’s directed at me or his wife.
“I can assure you,” I begin, examining the water bubbling between us, “I knew the consequences well in advance of dropping the news on Hunter and our boys.”
“ Your boys?” Josephine mocks.
Lungs seizing, I drag my focus up to her. “Yes,” I confirm. “ My boys. I care for them all very much.”
Josephine shrugs, a single shoulder breaching the surface of the water. “I guess we all have different ways of showing it.”
I close my eyes for a beat. Then another. Gods help me if this woman doesn’t send me over the edge. I can practically feel my pulse in my own ears. With a cleansing breath in through my nose, I will my heart rate to steady. I hold the air in my lungs, then breathe out for a count of ten.
Once I’m certain I can reply without flying off the handle, I meet her gaze.
“I strategically plotted every possible path forward before landing on the chosen tactic. Hell, I even considered some very backward ideas in my effort to protect my people. I ran the numbers. I did the math. I went as far as to recruit Kylian to play devil’s advocate and help me analyze the risks associated with each plan.”
Josephine’s brows lift into her hairline at the mention of the leader of her cohort. Decker has straightened, as if invested in this conversation now, too.
“Despite today’s outcome, I did not act with the intention of harming any of the people I love. My top priority was preservation for all of them, but most importantly, preservation and protection for Hunter.”
For the space of several heartbeats, Josephine scrutinizes me with narrowed eyes. Eventually, she tucks her chin and glides a hand over the surface of the water. “Even if that’s all true, you should have told her ahead of time.”
I absorb the suggestion and let it sink all the way into my bones. I considered it time and time again, and I’ll likely question my decision not to for a long time, despite all the logic and reason behind why I didn’t give Hunter the choice.
Straightening until the chill of the air inspires goose pimples all over my exposed chest, I assess Decker. There is a chance what I’m about to say will earn me a black eye. My ego and my heart are hurting enough tonight. The last thing I need is a shiner to accompany the mental beating I’ve given myself. But it’s important I make this point.
“You are Hunter’s best friend, are you not?”
Josephine nods indignantly.
I don’t give her time to add to that response. “As such, it’s safe to assume that you know her heart. Her spirit. The goodness inside that not only makes her so incredible but allows her to sacrifice herself time and time again to protect those she loves.”
She tips her head back and forth, shoulders slumping. She knows I’m right, even if she doesn’t want to admit it.
“Today was about putting her first.” I clear my throat and swallow down the pain I’ve inflicted on myself. “Yes, I could have clued her in.”
I skim one hand over the surface of the water, leaving a path of bubbles in my wake.
“But tell me. Do you think for one moment, had Hunter known in advance, she would have let me hurt Garrett that way?”
Decker humphs, his reaction jostling his wife.
Josephine opens her mouth, closes it, opens it, then snaps it shut.
“I hurt everyone, I know. But Hunter didn’t have to hurt anyone because of my choice. And that’s exactly what it was: my choice. I made the call. I stand by my actions, even if you hate me, the boys hate me, or, gods forbid, she hates me. I put her first, knowing damn well she may not have put herself first if given the opportunity.”
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my woman. Now, apparently, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for our boys, either. The ache in my chest intensifies so greatly I have to resist the urge not to press a hand to my sternum.
“Everyone is hurting tonight, but everyone is safe. The imminent threat has been handled. We now have time and space to figure out our next move. Most importantly? None of them had to hurt another in the process.”
I slump back in my corner, well and thoroughly defeated by this day.
Truth be told, I hate myself for what I did. Yet I would choose to do it again and again if it meant preserving the love, trust, and growth that our group has embraced over the last few weeks.
“I get it.”
The simple statement startles me. Blinking, I shift to face Decker once more. There, in his eyes, I see his truth. My words have resonated with him. He understands my motivation.
For the first time all day, the hard shell of my exterior flexes ever so slightly. Despite how heinous today’s events were, someone else acknowledges my actions were not in vain.
Nodding once, he kisses the top of Josephine’s head. He whispers something low I cannot hear, and she nods.
Wordlessly, she rises, steps over the ledge, and snags a large towel.
Decker rises to follow, but instead of exiting the hot tub, he strides forward, grasps my shoulder, and offers a reassuring squeeze. “Eventually, with time, they’ll get it, too.”