Chapter 41
41
Preston
I watch Natalie across the room—laughing with Hanna, Sonya, Ivy, elbowing my brother Shane, who has doubtless said something outrageous to her, kneeling to play puppets with Eloise, who is sitting on the couch with Saucy Cat on her hand. Natalie barks and makes Mr. Dog give Saucy Cat a kiss. She laughs, and even from across the room, I can hear the musical glitter of it, feel it in my bones. She looks up and sees me watching her, and she gives me a different kind of smile. Private, secret. Something curls, warm and sweet in my bloodstream.
I can still feel some of the lazy warmth left behind by our lovemaking earlier, but it’s wrapped up with the chill of knowing it might be the last time…for a while.
The last time I left Rush Creek—at twenty-two—I basically surfed out on a wave of rage and self-righteousness. I was so sure that Kali was what I wanted, so sure that my grandfather was wrong about her and me. I was so sure I knew what I wanted: to go with my amazing artist girlfriend to New York City, marry her, and live happily ever after.
But this time, what I want feels…hazy.
Part of me is already back in New York, trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to save my deal and my promotion. How the hell I’m going to smooth over PowerFun’s big failure of disclosure. Minimize it enough that MegaStar doesn’t see it as a liability, convince the MegaStar stakeholders that one little hiccup shouldn’t tank the perfect acquisition.
Because if I fail, everything I’ve worked for all these years goes straight to hell.
But meanwhile, my amazing girlfriend is right here, with a dog puppet on her hand, throwing back her head to laugh again. And even though Natalie did everything she could to reassure me earlier, she can’t make certain fundamental truths go away.
You can’t be all things to all people. While I was busy fulfilling the will, saving the land, and burying myself as deep as humanly possible in Natalie, things fell apart in New York.
When I go back to New York…
Even with Natalie’s brave promise, I don’t know yet if I can be what Grantham-Hoyer needs from me and what I want to give her at the same time.
I drift like a ghost through the party, accepting congratulations from my brothers, Sonya, Ivy, Sonya’s friends. A few of the Rush Creek firefighters are there because apparently Sonya’s friend Reggie is now engaged to a firefighter named Ford, and his friends are becoming her friends. Weggers is there because he invited himself, and Nan is there because her grandson is one of the firefighters.
My gaze finds Natalie again. She’s taken Eloise into her lap and now has both puppets on her hands, working them in conversation I can’t hear. Her head bends toward Eloise’s soft hair, her nose almost touching it. My chest tightens so much it hurts.
“You’re really leaving, huh?”
Shane has joined me, his shoulder nudging me, his eyes following mine.
I nod, forcing myself to look away from Natalie.
“And she’s not going with you.” He nods in her direction.
“She belongs here,” I say.
“And you—belong in New York?” he asks.
“It’s who I am,” I say.
He tilts his head to one side. “I’d be more inclined to say, It’s what you do .”
“Isn’t it the same thing?”
Shane shakes his head. “Not usually.” He’s quiet for a moment, and I think he’s done, but then he says, “It’s okay to stick to your guns. But do it for your own reasons.”
I give him a sharp look. “What makes you think I haven’t?”
He shrugs. “It was a guess. I don’t know exactly what went down between you and Grandfather, but knowing you both, everyone probably got extra stubborn and dug in. I’ve always figured you stuck New York out as long as you did because the idea of slinking home wasn’t terribly appealing.”
“Maybe I stuck New York out because I love finance,” I say.
He gives me a sidelong glance. “You love problem-solving. You love challenges. Maybe you even love numbers. But finance?”
“What do you know about what I love?”
I expect laughter or mocking, but Shane just sighs. “You’d be surprised,” he says. “Don’t forget, it’s my job to get inside other people’s heads and understand what makes them tick.”
“Yeah, well—don’t flatter yourself.”
Still, he’s looking at me with such steady affection, I sigh and say, “I wanted to show him he was wrong.”
“About what?”
“That I couldn’t make it in New York. That Kali and I weren’t in it for the long haul.”
“Well,” Shane says. “One for two isn’t bad.” He raises his eyebrows. “You know it doesn’t matter what he thinks, right? One, he was kind of a dick.”
I snort.
“And two, he’s actually…dead.”
For some reason, that makes us both laugh really hard. We’re still laughing when Hanna comes up to me with Eloise in her arms.
“Pres,” she says. “I’m about to put El to bed. Want to say goodbye to her? You’re leaving super early tomorrow, right?”
“Right,” I say and take Eloise from her. Eloise reaches out and boops my nose. I taught her to do that, and my eyes sting a little, even though I’ll be back. Soon. “If she learns anything new while I’m gone, text me,” I say.
“Like anything ?” Hanna asks suspiciously. “Like, if she learns to like a new food?”
“Anything fun ,” I say. “Like nose booping.”
Eloise boops my nose again, for good measure.
“Bye-bye, Eloise,” I say.
“Buh-duh, Padda,” she says back.
I freeze. “Did she just say my name ?”
“I think she did,” Hanna says, delighted. “She’s never done that before. Preston,” she says to Eloise.
“Padda,” Eloise says and boops my nose again.
I turn away so neither Hanna nor Eloise sees the tears shining in my eyes.