Someday Never Came

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“Jensen Dean Adler, what the fuck is your problem? What was the point of bringing me back to this town, to you, to this goddamn place if you’re going to treat me like this?” My words come out a little more slurred than I want, but the buzz from dinner hasn’t entirely worn off yet, and the alcohol is giving me courage to speak my mind. “How are you so sweet—so gentle—and basically every girl’s dream man last night, then turn into a raging dick today?”

“This isn’t one of your damn romance novels, Serena.” Jensen snaps, his body tensing up. “You can’t edit out what you don’t like.”

The use of my real name feels like a slap across the face, yet just another way for him to push me away.

“This is real life, with real people, and real emotions,” he continues, “nothing is black and white. Stop trying to turn me into your Prince Charming. I will never be Prince Charming, Serena,” his voice cracks. “But I am not your goddamn villain either. I am only a man who loved a girl living in the sad reality that love is never enough. There are always other factors at play.” He places his hands on top of his head, before shaking his arms out.

“You may not be Prince Charming, and you may have loved me once. You might still, I’m honestly not sure, but let me be clear with one thing, Jensen: I deserve the romance novel love story!” I yell into his smug face. “So, fuck you! Fucking hell—I wanted that story to be with you, but if you can’t or aren’t willing to give that to me, then maybe someone else will. I would rather be with someone who wants to give me my fairytale ending—I would rather be by myself—than settle for less. I know you could give it to me, but you refuse to for whatever fucked up reason you think justifies keeping me at arm’s length. Love has to exist, it has to. I can’t survive knowing it doesn’t.

All those romance books—poetry, paintings, music—none of that would exist without love. The simple idea of love has inspired millions of people Jensen, millions. Countries have gone to war over a woman’s heart, so forgive me for seeking that kind of love in my own life. Sue me for not having a doubt in my soul it will always be your love I crave so desperately. But I will not fucking apologize for wanting more from you—for wanting a chance at us. I know you want that too. I just seem to be the only one brave enough to admit it. Maybe this isn’t one of my romance novels, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t the one I want my fairytale ending with, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about that. You don’t get to control how I feel. Just like you can’t control your own feelings—only your actions, which have been speaking much louder than the little bitch fit you’re currently having.”

I stop to take a breath. He isn’t moving as he stares at me, not saying a word. He waits for me, for my decision.

“Actually, you know what? Fuck this! I can’t do this anymore. Fuck the rules I set. I can’t be your friend. I can’t be your friend because we are never just friends, Jensen. I got on a plane for you, because I’m tired of loving you from afar. We’ve danced around whatever . . . this is between us our entire lives, but I can’t do it anymore. Don’t you see that being just your friend is killing me? It has to kill you too. There is no way you watch me in the way you do without it meaning something, and I know it is more than lust.”

His breaths come in quick bursts as his clenched fist shakes.

“I can’t be your friend without being in a constant state of pure torture.” I continue. “This,” I motion between us, “isn’t friendship, but isn’t anything more because neither one of us have been brave enough to make the next move. We can either see what happens, or never see one another again. I see no other choice. And while I don’t pray all that often, or ever, I pray to whatever gods are out there that you choose us—to speak the words I know you have always wanted to. You’re scared because you know if you say it, it will become real. There will be no more hiding. There will be no more what-ifs or excuses of the wrong timing. What’s it going to be, soldier boy? You’re brave enough to go to war and defend our country, but are you brave enough to speak your truth? What does your heart want after all these years? Or am I just fucking crazy? Because if I’m crazy then just tell me.”