Chapter Forty-Four
I force one foot in front of the other, allowing myself to remain calm as I prepare for a fight I have no interest in having. Keeping my guard up, I don’t allow myself to reconsider returning to my room as I open the door slowly to his. Jensen is propped on the edge of the very bed that has been our bed the last three nights. Freshly showered, he has a towel wrapped around his waist as he leans forward, allowing his elbows to rest on his knees while his hands cradle his face.
It’s the position of a defeated man, and the sight of Jensen like this takes every ounce of fight out of me. All that is left is concern for him. I sink to his feet, placing a hand on his thigh as I look up at him. Red rimmed eyes look back down at me.
“Are you okay?” I keep my voice soft, trying to be gentle with my words.
He scoffs, shaking his head furiously. “How are you the one asking me that, Serenity? You just saw who I really am—what I am capable of—and you’re asking if I’m okay? You have to see the irony?—”
“Jensen,” the use of his name—along with my tone—bring his eyes back to mine. “In no way is what you did tonight okay. I am mad—no, fuck that, I am damn near irate. Not only at your actions, but at everything you have kept from me. I am also hurt, but my skin is tough. A few harsh words can’t break me that easily. All that matters, but it also doesn’t prevent me from making sure you’re okay. Baby, you don’t look okay. I can feel the storms brewing in your soul, I see the rage burning in your eyes . . . all the hatred that is begging to erupt out of you. What can I do for you? Tell me how I can help.” His body trembles under my touch and from my words.
“You can’t mean those things. I don’t deserve your kindness right now, or ever for that matter.” He doesn’t make eye contact with me as he speaks.
“Don’t say that, baby.” I place a little more pressure on his face, begging for him to look me in the eyes. “You are sick. I don’t know for how long, or when it started. I don’t know what set you off tonight, but you can fight this. You can overcome.” I try to reassure him. “You were sober prior to tonight, yes?”
He nods, leaning further into my touch.
“Good, we can get you back there again.” The look that crosses his expression isn’t one I recognize. “What are you thinking?” I ask, almost afraid of his answer. His voice comes out unsteady.
“I am thinking you are not meant for someone like me. You . . . them . . . none of you deserve what I’ve put you through. You are serenity—you are peace—and I am anything but peace.”
I rise from my position, needing to move. His words ring true but hurt no less.
“I will not lie to you. You are not an easy man to care for—to love—but that does not mean you aren’t worth it. I have not known peace since we were teenagers . . . I have never known peace, at least not while loving you, Jensen. But that doesn’t stop me from loving you.”