Someday Never Came

Chapter Forty-Six

I spend the next several hours worshiping the woman of my dreams—the woman I will never be worthy of. I allow every passing second to sober me. I allow her words of love and encouragement to bring me back to the land of the living. I watch as she slowly drifts to sleep, her body going limp in my arms. She’s mentally exhausted from everything coming to light about me, emotionally drained just by loving a man like me, and physically fatigued from the last several hours of me making sure every inch of her body had been touched, kissed, and admired.

I watch as she sleeps in my arms. I know this will be the final moment I have of being able to simply hold her. I lean down and place a kiss on her forehead before whispering all my secrets, all the things I could never admit to her when she was awake. I say the four words she deserves to hear most, but that I could never admit for fear she would never leave. She would never allow me to escape her love.

“I love you, Serenity.”

I repeat those words over and over, hoping they will sink into her subconscious. I pray God may take pity upon my soul and that one day she learns to hate me for what is going to happen next, and that she would realize what I’m doing is for her. I was not made for the type of love she so willingly offers to me on a silver platter. The type of love I crave but can never offer her in return.

As she sleeps, I tell her of the house I would build for her and of all the babies we would have. I told her stories of how we would host each holiday and how my brothers and their families would join us. I whispered into the darkness as I held her, letting a single tear fall down my face before landing on my bare chest. I told her of the life she deserved, the life we should have had. I begged for her forgiveness once more. I promised she would find her fairytale ending one day, but that it would never be with me. It could never be with me.

I did not sleep, I waited for her alarm to go off. Not daring to move—not willing to lose sight of her for even the blink of an eye. She jerks in my arms when the ringing starts. I shh’d her, promising all was okay. What’s one more lie at this point? Big hazel blue eyes follow a sleepy grin.

She shifts to give me a quick kiss along with a groggy, ‘morning’ before she asks how I’m feeling.

“I’m okay,” I promise. Another lie, but one she accepts before stumbling out of bed to shower and to fly back home to her real life, the life she deserves. She reappears a half hour later with wet hair before she begins packing what she can into her carry on and the new luggage she bought when Wyhtt took her into town. Watching her pack is almost enough to send me searching for another drink. My heart—my other half, my Serenity—is leaving.

My heart is fucking shattering. I didn’t know it was possible to feel like you’re dying while still breathing until now. I didn’t know it was possible until I watch her make her way down the hall to find Wyhtt and Grayson in the kitchen. I watch as she holds them, making them each promise to stay in touch. She says how she loved meeting Grayson, and that he’s now required to watch over Wyhtt and I.

During their encounter Wyhtt only watches me. We haven’t spoken about the events of last night, and I haven’t apologized yet. I will though, and soon.

“Wyhtt,” she draws his attention back to her. Tears stream down her cheeks as she pounces on him, wrapping him in a bear hug.

“I’ll miss you too, S.” he says, voice muffled by her shoulder he’s now burying his face in.

The realization hits me like a bus: it wasn’t only me she lost a decade ago. She lost both of us when he decided to follow me. He made sure she was okay, and then he left.

It’s always been Serena’s heart on the line, and I fucked it up time after time. How I managed to have all these remarkable people in my life who love me—who think of me as family—takes my breath away. I couldn’t catch my breath again until we were loading her things into my truck and preparing to depart for the airport. She buckles in next to me and waves goodbye as the boys pound the back of the truck. I didn’t breathe again until my hand is on her thigh and the other was on the wheel as we pull out of the driveway.

The last drive I will ever have with her in my grasp.