Chapter 7
7
It had been ten days since baby Lena was found at the door to the Whistlestop River Air Ambulance base and a week since she was placed with a foster carer right here in town. Nadia had, with permission from social services, arranged to go and visit the foster parent, Sybil, and see how Lena was doing.
Sybil answered the door with a toddler in her arms – a toddler who looked like they’d just woken up.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ Nadia cringed. ‘Is now all right? I thought lunch time would be best.’ She was rambling like an idiot.
‘Lunch time is fine.’ Sybil smiled. ‘Please come in, it’s wonderful to meet you.’ Without putting the toddler down, she held out a hand for Nadia to shake.
Nadia stepped inside the home, welcomed by the aroma of freshly toasted bread.
‘I just wanted to see how she’s doing.’
‘Of course, of course. I saw you on the television; you did well speaking in front of the camera – not sure I’d be able to do it.’
‘It wasn’t so bad.’ The toddler in Sybil’s arms surreptitiously glanced Nadia’s way before burying his face in his carer’s shoulder again. ‘Who’s this little man?’
‘This is Gus. He tends to be a bit quiet when he’s just woken up. He’ll find his voice soon enough though. Why don’t you come on through,’ she said to Nadia before leading the way from the compact hallway into a dining room with a couple of highchairs and through to a small playroom with a wipe-clean sofa and toys neatly stacked in boxes around the edges. There was a large playmat on the hardwood floor, the sort made out of rubber in bright colours with pieces that came apart and slotted together like a jigsaw puzzle.
Lena was so content in the baby bouncer that Nadia almost didn’t spot her in the corner. She wasn’t yet old enough to be doing much at all but her eyes took in everything.
‘Lena, someone is here to see you,’ Sybil trilled.
Lena certainly knew her name or perhaps it was the playful, higher-pitched tone of her foster carer that made her look up at them.
Nadia crouched down beside Lena while Sybil nipped into the kitchen and came back with a little plastic plate lined with toast fingers. The toddler in her other arm reached out for one and sucked on it contentedly.
‘She looks well.’ Nadia watched Lena move her legs enough to make the bouncer go up and down slightly. She was nice and secure, cocooned in the soft insert, safe in the five-point safety harness that she couldn’t possibly fall out of.
‘She’s taken to the formula well and goes back to sleep easily enough during the night after a bit of a pat. She’s probably the easiest baby I’ve had in all my time as a foster carer. And given her start in the world…’
When Nadia reached out her hand, Lena’s little fingers found hers. ‘She has a strong grip.’
‘I don’t think she’s suffered; she’s a happy little thing.’
Nadia watched Gus shuffle from Sybil’s lap but stay close to her side on the sofa. ‘How long have you been doing this?’
‘Close to four years.’
‘Have you had many children here in that time?’
‘You’d be surprised how many. Some stay a while; some stay no time at all. Gus here has been with me for two months.’
‘It must be hard work.’
‘Hard work but I love it.’ Sybil smiled down at Lena. ‘I’m glad whoever left this little one abandoned her at the airbase, somewhere there were medical staff present. Any news of her mother or whoever else might have been responsible?’
‘We’ve heard nothing. But the television appeal will air regularly and the newspapers have coverage, as do social media channels. Hopefully, we’ll get a lead somewhere along the line.’ But if they didn’t, what would happen to Lena long term? Nadia had swayed from thinking the mother didn’t deserve this beautiful child if she could give her away to telling herself that the mother probably hadn’t had much of a choice. There was every chance she had done something drastic because she wasn’t in her right mind.
‘May I offer you a cup of tea?’ Sybil pushed Gus’s plate upwards so it was level when he almost lost the remaining toast fingers by letting it tilt.
‘I don’t want to be any trouble.’
‘It’s no trouble at all, honestly.’ She noticed Nadia watching Lena. ‘She’s doing well, don’t worry about her; she’s in safe hands now.’
‘It could’ve easily gone very badly.’ Nadia struggled as her imagination began to paint a very different scenario with Lena left in a park or at a bus stop or somewhere she may not have been given the care she needed straight away. Her train of thought kept asking what if? ‘The front door to the airbase was locked the day we found her. We don’t always hear someone when they come; sometimes, we’re occupied out the back. It wasn’t a given that anyone would check the doorway… If I’d clocked off early, The Skylarks may have headed out on a job and the baby would’ve been inside that box for hours.’
Sybil smiled kindly. ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about the what ifs.’ She seemed well-practised with knowing the right thing to say and how to calm a person down; maybe it came with the job, with meeting people from all walks of life, some of whom would have struggles that might seem insurmountable.
Nadia gazed down at Lena; she couldn’t take her eyes off her.
‘You can hold her if you like.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course, bring her into the kitchen and I’ll make us that cup of tea.’
Gus took another look at Nadia before he darted over to one of the boxes by the wall in the playroom and began sifting through what looked to be farmyard animals.
‘Careful where you tread,’ Sybil warned as she walked away and sure enough, the animals came out one by one, some launching further than others. She must have eyes in the back of her head.
Nadia undid the strap of the bouncer and very carefully picked Lena up. ‘Hello, you.’ When she cradled her against her body, it felt familiar, that rush of endorphins that came with being so close to a baby. The action encompassed all of her emotions: the loss, the regret and what might have been, the hope. As she rubbed Lena’s back, the little one able to see over her shoulder, it was difficult not to feel a bond when Lena’s breath fell softly against her neck. Nadia almost didn’t want to go into the kitchen; she could stay here forever, not doing anything other than holding the baby.
Gus had everything out on the floor and carefully, Nadia stepped over the toys and went to join Sybil.
Over a cup of tea consumed carefully and out of Lena’s way, Sybil wanted to know more about the air ambulance and The Skylarks and Nadia was happy enough to talk about the job for which she had such a passion.
‘I never realised you relied so much on fundraising.’ Sybil had checked on Gus in the other room and hovered in the doorway between his play area and the kitchen. ‘I probably had heard it before but maybe it hadn’t registered until now, not until Lena came here and my ears kind of opened for anything involving The Skylarks.’
‘Sometimes it works that way.’ Nadia smiled. ‘It’s happened with patients we’ve rescued plenty of times. Everyone assumes the air ambulance is all part of England’s healthcare, but it’s only when you or someone close to you really needs the help that you piece it together and realise exactly what it takes for operations such as ours to keep going.’
‘I already donated online. The day after I got Lena and I knew her story – well, as much of it as we can know right now. It’s only a small amount but it’s a regular monthly donation.’
‘Then thank you from all of us,’ said Nadia. ‘We are extremely grateful. We have such wonderful support from companies, from members of the public like you. And not being totally government funded has its pluses. We make our own decisions; we do what we feel is best for the patients we will treat. None of us want that to change and our wonderful fundraising team work hard to keep us going.’
‘When I was on the website, I read about the dinner dance coming up.’
‘Our annual fundraiser.’ Nadia adjusted Lena in her arms as she started to make a fuss. ‘This year, the venue is on the coast; it’s stunning. You’re welcome to buy a ticket; there are a handful left.’
‘I’ve got too much on this year, the logistics would be a nightmare, but maybe another year if I can plan well in advance.’
‘We have a lot of events, not just that one; plenty are kid friendly. If you’re a regular supporter, you’ll be down to receive our newsletter so keep an eye out.’
Nadia stood up when Lena wouldn’t settle. ‘Do you think she might be hungry?’
When she turned, Sybil was one step ahead of her. She’d already plucked a made-up bottle of formula from the fridge. She put it into the bottle warmer. ‘Would you like to do the honours?’
‘I would.’ She sat down again and sure enough, Lena quietened as soon as the bottle was within her tiny grasp and its contents began making their way into her tummy. She looked up as she drank the milk, her wide eyes transfixed on Nadia.
‘It’s good that you visited,’ said Sybil. ‘It’s better to have lots of people looking out for a little one rather than just me.’
‘Do all your foster children find families eventually?’
She tilted her head side to side as if saying it could go either way. ‘Some are slowly reunited with their parents or a parent, but that will depend on whether they’re suitable or capable of doing the job. Some children are placed with another family on a permanent basis. But we can’t always do that in every case.’
‘What happens when they’re too old to be in foster care?’
‘They’ll be supported as they move to independent living but it’s still so young to be going it alone.’
‘I knew nothing at eighteen.’ Nadia gazed at Lena, who was still looking up at her, her little mouth perfecting a tiny ‘o’ shape as she drank.
‘Me neither.’ Sybil cut up an apple for Gus and called him through to the kitchen where he hopped up onto a chair at the table to eat his next snack.
Once Lena finished her bottle, Nadia burped her and then reluctantly moved to hand her back to Sybil. ‘I’d better get going – back to work for me.’
‘Well, thank you for stopping by.’ She took Lena from her arms and Nadia bit back the feeling that she was losing something all over again.
This was crazy. Lena wasn’t hers; she had nothing to do with her.
Sybil, with Lena in her arms now, walked through the hallway to the front door.
‘Thank you for letting me visit.’ Nadia didn’t miss one more chance to hold her hand out to Lena, who wrapped her forefingers in her grasp. ‘I like to hear how patients are doing and this little one might not be a patient as such but…’
‘You have a good heart, Nadia.’
‘Take good care of her.’
‘I can promise you that.’
Nadia drove to the airbase but she didn’t get out of the car straight away. Instead, she closed her eyes. She could still smell Lena’s delicate fragrance as if it had clung to her clothes, her hair, everywhere to serve as a reminder. She couldn’t get the thought of the baby’s grasp around her fingers out of her mind, the way she’d made eye contact the whole time she guzzled her milk as though she and Nadia were each other’s world.
Nadia only came out of her trance when Bess rapped on the window.
She tried to put a smile on her face but the minute she got out of the car, Bess asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
Nadia shivered when the sun went behind the cloud. ‘Nothing’s wrong as such, but I’ve just seen Lena. I mean, she’s fine, but I can’t stop thinking about what might have happened had we not found her.’
Bess was quick to put her arm around Nadia’s shoulders. ‘We’re quiet at the minute; you can always talk to me if you need to.’
They got back into the car at Bess’s suggestion.
‘Less likely to be interrupted this way,’ said Bess. ‘So come on, what’s the real reason seeing Lena is so tough?’ Bess had an incurable need to know what was going on with everyone, to make sure she understood them.
Nadia gazed out of the window. ‘I don’t have kids… but I was pregnant… twice.’ She steadied her voice. ‘I always wanted to be a mum, you know. It was something I saw in my future but for some reason, my body has always had a different idea.’
‘What happened?’
‘I fell pregnant when I was in a relationship during nursing college. It wasn’t planned, but I wasn’t sorry. And just when I was getting my head around the idea, I lost the baby to an ectopic pregnancy. The second time, I was married, but again I lost the baby. That time it was even more dangerous; I was lucky to survive.’
‘It must have been terrifying.’
‘It was, both times. And devastating. I was told I could still get pregnant again but I never tried. Things with my husband ended and apart from a couple of casual flings, I never found the right person to settle down with, certainly nobody I’d ever want to start a family with.’
Bess had reached for her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Nadia.’
She squeezed her friend’s hand right back. ‘When we found Lena, all the time I’ve spent with her, the visit just now, it brings the heartbreak right back to me. I held her in my arms, she clung to my fingers, looked me right in the eye. But she isn’t mine, she never was, no baby ever?—’
Bess’s arms wrapped around her, calming her, reassuring her that she was there. She didn’t say that it was okay, she didn’t offer any platitudes, she just stayed by her side.
Nadia wiped her eyes with a tissue and checked her mascara in the visor mirror. ‘We’d better get inside.’
Bess didn’t move.
‘What’s wrong?’ She managed a smile. ‘I’m fine, really. I promise you.’
And then Bess looked her usual solid self, with a smile, with the assertiveness they all knew her for.
As they walked towards the entrance doors of the airbase, however, Nadia wasn’t convinced that everything was okay with Bess. Bess had listened to her and she wanted to do the same for her friend. ‘Are you sure everything is all right with you?’
‘I’m tired, that’s all. Just been busy lately.’
‘Ah, yes, didn’t you have Gio’s niece and nephew for a couple of days?’
‘It was one night, one exhausting night. I mean they’re great but they’re little energy balls, especially for two novices like us.’
They didn’t get to talk any more because a job came in and Bess leapt into action.
And Nadia felt the familiar comfort of her work, the team that felt like family, wrap around her.
It was the safety net she needed.