Chapter 11
11
A long conversation about how I need to stay with them at all times and listen to everything they tell me to do, and three hypos worth of boosters later, Hadrell leads me through a narrow docking tunnel that wobbles concerningly under our feet.
Their hand clamps onto my shoulder as the tunnel makes an ominous groan, sensing my fear. “Nothing to worry about. These things are safe. And on the off-chance that the clamps fail and we get sucked out into space, we have our emergency breathers. Val will scoop us up way before we die in the vacuum of space.”
“You’re really not helping,” I groan, hurrying my steps as I readjust the clear ring slotted between my nostrils. Both Bret’u and Hadrell reassured me that the breather is fitted properly, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s going to fall out at any moment.
Hadrell chuckles and gives a soft apology, matching my speed with no further “reassurances”.
I let out a heavy exhale of relief when we reach the end of the tunnel. We walk through an ancient-looking decontamination arc while a bored nexxit waves us through without even looking up. My steps falter when I see a plasma rifle resting casually on the desk in front of him, but Hadrell places a hand on my lower back and guides me to keep moving.
“I’ve got you,” he murmurs, giving me the strength to not turn on my heels and hide back on the ship. Which becomes even more tempting when we leave the security antechamber and head out into the station proper.
It’s… old. I don’t know what I was expecting, but the only space stations I’ve been on are Coalition hubs and Spire. This place has got to be at least a century old, with the obvious wear and grime that only comes from decades of use—and a total lack of maintenance. Everywhere I look, it seems like scrap materials were used to patch over weak spots in the hull. There are no windows in sight, lending the large, cluttered promenade of shops and vendors an even more claustrophobic air. Though I guess I prefer that to poorly maintained windows that could fail at any moment and suck us all out into space.
I pull the hood over my head in tighter, hoping it will help me blend in more with this crowd of aliens. Because it definitely is a crowd. The throng of people bustling about in what must be the central hub of the station looks like it’s enough to be a safety hazard.
What if a fight breaks out? There’s no room to get out of a fray or firefight .
What if there’s an emergency and people try to flee? Half of the people here would get trampled in the chaos.
A sweat breaks out on the back of my neck, despite the chilly temperature of the station, and I can’t get my feet to move from where I’m standing and scanning the station in horror.
“Not so bad, right?” Hadrell says behind me.
I turn to look at him, aghast. “You’re kidding.”
He laughs. “I’ve seen worse.”
I raise a disbelieving brow at them. “Where, a prison colony?”
“Fortunately, I’ve never found myself so far on the wrong side of the law to end up in one of those. Though kidnapping a Coalition embassy worker might warrant it.”
My brows shoot up at the thought, and they wink at me. “Come on, these places are always better once you get out of the main hall. This is where the tourists hang out.”
“Someone would voluntarily choose to come here? For fun?” I ask incredulously.
Hadrell shrugs. “You did. Now let’s go before someone decides we look like easy pick-pocketing marks.” He grabs my hand and tugs me forward hard enough that I have to follow. I’d feel ridiculous being led around like this, but the connection with him is the only tether keeping me from having a panic attack as we weave through the narrow gaps in the crowd to the other side of the hall.
I do my best to blur out my surroundings, focusing only on the reassuring warmth of Hadrell’s grip and the back of their jumpsuit. It’s not enough to ignore the multiple alien voices saying “human” in surprise as I pass.
My skin burns with the knowledge of them looking at me.
A dull buzzing fills my ears, drowning out the din of the aliens surrounding me.
This is too much .
I can’t do this.
I can’t?—
“You did it,” Hadrell proclaims.
I almost knock into their back as they come to a stop, and their free hand grasps my shoulder to steady me.
“What?” I ask, heart still racing with the instinct to either flee or curl up in a ball on the ground.
“Eyes on me.” Hadrell releases their grip on my clammy hand to tip my chin up.
My tunnel vision fades as his mismatched eyes come into focus. His gaze is soft with concern and his thumb strokes my jaw in gentle swipes. “There we go,” he murmurs soothingly. “You’re so brave.”
That’s enough to pull me completely back to reality. I scoff. “Yeah, so brave, almost hyperventilating or passing out from anxiety.”
Hadrell’s grip on my chin tightens. “Yes, Paul. Very brave.”
My cheeks heat at the way they’re looking at me, a heady blend of intensity, admiration, and something I can’t place.
“Kiss your human somewhere else. You’re blocking my shop,” an alien voice complains from beside us, and I stumble away from Hadrell in surprise and embarrassment.
Hadrell gives the nexxit an amiable smile. “Relax. They’re just jealous that I have such an attractive human as my companion,” they stage whisper to me.
The nexxit scoffs and waves us away, though I don’t think I’m imagining the way their eyes linger on my face.
I take in my new surroundings as Hadrell gently leads me away from the nexxit’s shop. We’re in a much smaller hall now, with shops lining it on both sides. The lights are dimmer, flickering in a way that would be concerning if it wasn’t such a relief to find myself in a far less crowded area.
I follow Hadrell to a small bench, where they sit and pat the spot next to them. I take it gratefully, only realizing now how wobbly my legs feel after the surge of adrenaline.
“I’m sorry, Paul,” Hadrell says softly, the whorls of saelit on their brow drawing together in concern. “I pushed you. Forgot how much a station like this can be to handle.”
I shake my head, not wanting Hadrell to worry. It’s not their fault I’m a nervous wreck. “Don’t be sorry. I was delusional to think I’d be alright. I’m always terrible in new situations. That’s why I don’t subject myself to them very often,” I say with a self-deprecating laugh.
“Ah, you’ve discovered the key to being more adventurous.”
I raise a brow. “Huh?”
“Delusion,” Hadrell says with a dramatic flourish of their hands. “It’s a powerful tool, when used responsibly. How do you think I became the charming, adventurous space pirate you see before you?” They gesture down at their body and give me a lopsided grin.
“Uhh, good genes?” I ask, allowing myself to look them over.
God, a few years ago, I would’ve been terrified of Hadrell. Terrified of any alien larger and stronger than me. But now all I can see is the beauty of their striking, sharp features. I thought Fina’s partner Maerlon was attractive, but Hadrell looks like they were torn from a painting. Every inch of them masterfully crafted by a loving hand.
“Hah, maybe that helped but, no,” Hadrell says with an amused smile. “My secret weapon has always been delusion. Deluding myself into believing that if I set my mind to something, I can achieve it. I had no practical skills when I left Sela 2. I was more sheltered than you are?—”
I open my mouth to protest, but they hold a hand up to stop me. “I was. I’d never even been off-world. I was terrified and had no reason to think I wouldn’t fail spectacularly. Every step I took to become the seladin you see before me was possible because I held fast to the delusional belief that it would work out. That I could be whatever I wanted to be, no matter how my past and fears told me otherwise.”
Coming from someone else, Hadrell’s declaration might sound cocky, but there’s an earnest glow in their natural eye. “There’s an old human saying—’fake it till you make it’. I always thought it was nonsense, but you’re telling me it worked for you?”
“Such skepticism,” Hadrell says with an amused grin. “But you’ve seen it in action for yourself. You’re here, chatting with me on a bench in a run-down space station in the ass end of the galaxy. You didn’t run back to the ship. You’re here because you let yourself believe that you could do this, even when past experiences told you otherwise.”
“Yes, but it feels awful,” I grumble even as I recognize that they’re not wrong. As freaked out as I am, I’m here. Doing something I never would’ve thought possible a few short cycles ago.
Hadrell lets out a loud bark of laughter. “Of course it does. Change frequently isn’t comfortable. But what we become in the aftermath…that makes it worth the pain.”
I get the feeling that there’s a whole lot more behind their words, but now doesn’t seem like an appropriate moment to delve into it. Not with a pair of aespians across the hall staring at me like I’m the strangest thing they’ve ever seen. Which maybe I am.
“Should we head back to the ship now, or do you want to run a few errands with me?” Their tone holds no judgment and they look at me with gentle compassion. No sign of pity or frustration in sight.
I don’t understand it, but they truly look like no matter what I decide to do, it won’t impact their opinion of me. I’ve only ever felt that kind of acceptance from my closest friends, and that comfort only came after spending a lot of time together. Yet Hadrell offers that grace so freely.
Maybe that’s why instead of making the logical choice to go back to the ship immediately, so I don’t feel on the verge of breaking down at any moment, I suck in a deep breath and give Hadrell a tremulous smile. “What the hell. I’ll be delusional a little longer.”
“Alright.” Hadrell doesn’t praise me or have any strong reaction to my choice, which confirms he really didn’t care either way.
I have the absurd urge to cry a little at that, but I shake it off before he notices.
Hadrell nudges me in the side with their elbow and inclines their head toward the aespians still gawking at me. “We should probably move along before those two work up the nerve to proposition you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Why do you think every alien is attracted to me?” I scoff, rolling my eyes at them as we stand and head further down the hall to whatever delights await me on this terrifying station.
“I think that because I have excellent taste. Any alien with sense would take one look at you and want you.”
Now it’s my turn to gawk at someone. I turn to Hadrell to see if my translator picked that up correctly, but they’re pointedly looking away toward a shop. The tips of their long pointed ears are flushed dark, but there’s no other sign that what they said was anything more than idle flattery.
Still, I can’t shake the feeling that they meant every word.