Chapter 16
16
T he turn in our conversation is so sudden it knocks me off balance. I set the chocolate bunny down and hug my knees up to my chest, looking at Hadrell in confusion. “What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere. I can’t.”
“Yes, you are and yes, you can.” Hadrell stands and tosses me one of my new shirts.
It lands draped over my head, and I snatch it off with an indignant huff. “Are you high? You saw what happened last time. I can’t do that again.”
“You’ll be fine. Where we’re going is much quieter than that station. We’ll be the only people there.”
I frown and stand up, shoving the shirt on over my head as I move over to the window and gesture out toward the empty sea of stars. “Where the hell could we go where it would be the two of us? We’re in the middle of nowhere. There’s nothing here!”
Infuriatingly, Hadrell grins. “There’s something here. It’s just not visible from this side of the ship. If you leave these quarters with me, I can show you.”
“I… I haven’t eaten my breakfast!” I protest, even though I’m not hungry. I haven’t had the desire to eat much over the past few cycles, which always happens when I get sucked into that void in my mind.
Hadrell pulls out the chair by the table in the corner and pats the seat. “Okay, eat your breakfast, and then we’ll go. I’d like to get going sometime soon, but you’ll need the fuel, so taking the time to eat is a good thought. You’re very wise, Paul.”
They’re fucking with me and we both know it, but after being so detached, the frustration feels oddly good. My therapist would urge me to lean into that. He told me that the dissociation is a defensive mechanism so that I don’t have to experience my emotions, and the best way to combat that is to acknowledge and experience them as deeply as possible.
“Do you know how annoying it is that you barge in here and boss me around like this?” I grumble even as I sit at the table.
Hadrell releases a bright peal of laughter that makes their lovely face even more stunning. “You aren’t the first person to tell me that.”
“I don’t have to go anywhere if I don’t want to,” I mutter, shoving a spoonful of sticky porridge into my mouth.
“You’re right, you don’t. But you’re going to.”
He’s so damn cocky I want to smack him. I try to reply, but the porridge acts like glue and I can’t get anything intelligible out.
They smirk at me. “I knew you’d agree. ”
“Ugh, you aren’t nearly as charming as you think you are,” I say as soon as my mouth is unstuck.
He sits down in the chair across from me and snags a small, round piece of fruit. “And you’re far more charming than you think you are. I like you like this.” He pops the fruit in his mouth and has the audacity to wink.
“What, annoyed?” I scoff.
“Well, yes. But also… alive.”
I pause with my spoon hovering halfway to my mouth. “Uh, I’d be concerned if you didn’t.”
“Don’t be obtuse.” Hadrell leans forward, resting their elbows on the table. “You know what I mean. I like you with your cheeks flushed, and your eyes sparkling. With a light sheen of sweat and your hair mussed. Alive .”
My stomach tightens, heat coursing through me at how goddamn suggestive they sound. “Quit flirting with me. It won’t make me do what you want,” I protest feebly, knowing that’s so far from the truth, it’s comical. A dirty smile and a bit of praise had me walking around that awful station with them for hours.
“It won’t? I can be very persuasive,” he purrs, running his finger across the edge of my bowl.
Why is even that sexy?
“I think you like me coaxing you to do things,” they continue. “I think you want me to push you out of your comfort zone and then praise you when you prove to yourself that you can do it.”
“I… that’s not…” I’m having a hard time protesting when I’m getting an erection at the thought. “Fine. Whatever. I’ll go with you.”
They lean back and clap their hands together, their seductive tone melting away to a more triumphant one. “Excellent! See, I told you. Don’t worry, I think we’ll have fun together.”
“No. Absolutely not. No fucking way.”
“It’s perfectly safe.”
“You’re insane!” I shout, gesturing to the cable ladder made of thin metal on the other side of the airlock. The one dangling down into space . The one that could snap at any moment, or detach from the ship, and leave us floating in space with only a backup tether, which also could fail.
Hadrell crosses their arms over their chest. “I don’t see how that has any bearing on how safe this is.”
I look over at Tari, who is watching us from the cargo bay controls with a bored expression. I doubt the nexxit who worked on an unshielded power core with no safety measures in place is the right person to confirm if Hadrell is telling the truth.
Dammit.
“Here, I’ll show you.” Hadrell steps up to the airlock and presses the button to seal the internal door.
“What are you doing?” I yell. “Stop, you’re going to get hurt. Or die!”
He shakes his head, pretending like he can’t hear me, even though I doubt the door is soundproof. With a few tugs to check his tether and a cocky grin, he punches the control for the exterior door. There’s an ominous sounding beep as the chamber decompresses.
Panic starts to set in. There’s no way, no matter how technologically advanced, that the little clear breather in their nose is enough. They need a spacesuit or at least a fucking helmet. What about radiation? Won’t the change in pressure cause bubbles to form in their blood? You don’t just go out into space with nothing but a tiny piece of tech !
“Come back in here!” I shout. “Lock the outer door. Don’t let them out,” I beg Tari.
She yawns and shrugs at me. “They’re fine.”
It takes barely any time before the outer door unseals, and I swallow down a shriek of horror, expecting to watch them die before my eyes.
Instead, they give me a little wave as they casually float out and grab onto the ladder. Their hair billows around them, and I watch in shock as they scale down the ladder a bit, give me another wave, then come back up with a shit-eating grin.
He floats back into the airlock, using his tether as a guide, and presses the button to seal the outer door and re-pressurize the chamber.
When they step back into the cargo bay, they smooth their hair down, then hold a hand out to me. “See? Totally safe.”
A sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and a pained whimper escapes me. I stare down at their hand like it’s a snake about to strike.
“You’ve got this, Paul. All you have to do is come into the airlock with me, wrap your arms around me, and hold on tight. I’ll do the rest.”
I swallow hard as opposing surges of fear of taking a risk and fear of never trying something new war within me, threatening to make me lose my breakfast. A cold sweat trickles down the back of my neck. My legs shake.
I reach out and take their hand.
“That’s my brave human,” they murmur, eyes locking with mine.
“I don’t feel fucking brave. I feel insane.”
Hadrell chuckles and tugs me into the airlock chamber, not giving me time to change my mind before they press the button to shut the inner door.
“Fuck, oh god, oh god.” I feel dizzy as they squeeze my hand and tug me close. I wrap my arms around their waist, needing their solid presence to keep me from falling over.
“Deep breaths. I’m going to set up our tethers now.” Hadrell’s voice is calm as they go through the steps to secure our tethers. He somehow manages to do it with me still clinging to him, which is good because there’s no goddamn way I’m letting go. Touching him is the only thing keeping me from screaming.
I’m so nervous that I almost miss that, unlike when he went out before, he checks my tether three times before he seems satisfied with it. I startle when he gently grips my chin to tip my face up to look him in the eyes. His other hand reaches up to touch the clear breather anchored in my nose, giving it a slight adjustment. This close, I can see how his ocular implant flickers and dilates as he scans me.
“Perfect,” they murmur, their fingers skimming across my cheek in a featherlight caress as they pull their hand away from my breather. “Everything’s good to go.”
“It is?” My voice comes out as a high-pitched squeak.
“Yes.” They press in close, molding my body to theirs as they wrap an arm around my waist.
Thank fuck I’m terrified because under any other circumstances, feeling their strong, lithe form against me like this would lead to an inappropriate erection pressing into their thigh.
“Close your eyes,” they whisper. “Breathe as normally as you can.” Their fingers draw a soothing pattern on my hip, then go back to gripping me. “Depressurization will feel odd, but the tech we’re wearing will keep you safe. We won’t be able to hear each other speak during the space walk, but you can tap my neck three times if you need to get my attention.”
A million questions race through my mind, but all I can get out is a shaky, “O-okay.”
He reaches out and presses the button to start decompression. When the ship's alert begins to sound, I squeeze my eyes shut and bury my face against Hadrell’s shoulder.
A wave of dizziness rolls over me and I breathe faster, sucking in breaths like I can’t get any oxygen. Fuck, is this a sign that the breather isn’t working?
Hadrell wraps his other arm around me and rests his head against the top of mine, squeezing me tight. The wave of panic threatening to crash down on me ebbs, and there’s the strangest sensation that Hadrell is the tide pulling those fears back and into the vast ocean of his own emotions.
It feels like I’m floating when I’m held in their arms.
Which, oh fuck, I am!
I let out a soundless shriek and wrap my legs around their waist as Hadrell moves away from where we were standing. They’re taking us out into space. Oh fuck, we’re floating out in space and the only thing keeping me alive is this breather and the damn alien who must have some kind of powers of mind control powers to convince me to do this with them.
Time slows to a crawl, and each shaky breath I take seems like it’s going to be my last.
I can’t do this. What the fuck was I thinking? I’m not adventurous or brave. I’m supposed to be at a desk, reading through documents, not doing a space walk like I’m some kind of action hero? I can’t do this. I can’t?—
“You did it.” Hadrell’s voice takes a moment to register. “Paul?” They give my ass a light squeeze and chuckle. “As much as I enjoy holding you, you can let go now.”
Awareness of my surroundings filter back in. The weight of my body. The sound of Hadrell speaking and the soft hiss of a door opening. With no small amount of effort, I lift my head and open my eyes.
Hadrell’s warm, fanged smile greets me. I gaze up at them in a stupor and their fingers press into the flesh of my ass, making my cock twitch. Which makes me remember that I’m still wrapped around them and they’re holding up all of my weight.
I release my legs from their waist and they help set me back down on the ground, hands moving to grip my waist until I’m steady enough to let go. Their eyes never leave my face, beaming at me the whole time. The way they look at me makes me wonder if maybe I am as brave as they say. Either that or they’ve infected me with some kind of alien spores that have fucked with my capacity for making rational decisions. That’d be more feasible, because no way did I just do that of my own volition.
“I did it,” I say, eyes wide.
“You did.” The pride and admiration in their voice sounds genuine.
A lump of emotion clogs my throat. It’s probably the adrenaline let down from doing something so intense, but I have to fight back tears as I nod and step back, pretending to look around at my new surroundings instead of trying to hide my feelings.
The only people who have ever sounded anything less than condescending about me overcoming my anxieties are Fina and Mezli. Everyone else treated me like it should’ve been a given that I could do what any “normal” person could without issue. Adding Hadrell to that list of people who don’t judge me seems monumental .
“Alright, let’s take a look around!” Hadrell says, clapping their hands together.
I’d almost forgotten that we came here for a reason other than forcing me to try something that scared the shit out of me.
Emergency lights line the walls of the antechamber we’ve entered through and we follow them further into the ship. The environmental controls are obviously still online, given the gravity and temperature, but the filters must’ve stopped working because the air is filled with dust particles.
Hadrell finds a panel and holds their comm up to it, and a moment later, more lights turn on.
The ship looks much newer and better maintained than Gryxyx station. Aside from the signs of being uninhabited for a while, it looks fine.
A spike of dread hits me. Why would a ship with no obvious damage or sign of issue be abandoned like this? “What happened here?”
“What do you mean?”
“The ship. It’s fine. Why would anyone leave a perfectly good ship floating out in the middle of nowhere like this?”
My nerves must show because Hadrell comes over and rests a hand on my arm. “Don’t worry. We always run a scan and Yaz does a security sweep before we ever set foot on a derelict vessel. It’s not a trap, and there’s nothing dangerous inside. According to Tari’s evaluation, the ship’s drive core failed. That kind of issue takes a lot of credits to fix. That, plus the fact that a lot of the tech on here looks secondhand, means whoever owned this ship probably decided it wasn’t worth it to fix up.”
“Ah. Right.” I let out a relieved sigh. “So no evil AI that wants to kill all sentient life aboard the ship? Or toxic, flesh-eating mold?”
“Hah, you have a fascinating imagination.” Hadrell sounds delighted by that. “Nothing so interesting, I’m afraid. Only costs outweighing benefits. I’ll try to find something more exciting and worthy of an action hero like yourself for our next gig.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “No thanks. I’m not a hero. I’m the annoying sidekick who dies within the first half of the vid, at best.”
“Nonsense. If you don’t want to be the hero, then you’re at least the sexy love interest,” they say, giving me a lopsided grin.
“Who also usually dies,” I retort.
“Yes, but at least they get to have some fun first.” Hadrell drags their eyes up and down my body and I can’t help feeling like they’re picturing me getting up to that kind of fun.
I shake my head, trying to clear away the heat rising in me. “So, what are we looking for? I doubt there’s much to salvage if all the tech is outdated.”
Hadrell shrugs. “Not sure yet. But that’s part of what makes this interesting. You never know what things someone might’ve accidentally left behind. The client obviously thought it was worth the credits to have us check it out for them.”
“How does that work? If you found something super valuable, couldn’t you lie and say you didn’t? How would they know?”
“Very good questions. I like that you’re already thinking like a pirate,” he says with a lopsided grin. “They wouldn’t know. Most clients expect you to not report everything, but word gets around if you suddenly have an influx of credits after a job. Then the next time you try to get a gig, no one will hire you because you have a reputation for cheating people. Or worse, they send other mercs after you to get what they’re owed. So unless it’s something that would be enough for me and my crew to retire on, lying isn’t worth the trouble.”
“I guess reputation matters even out here. Something our jobs have in common for once.” Granted, for my job, it’s making sure to not commit cultural faux pas in order to ensure an agreement can be reached, not screwing over someone who might then try to kill you in retaliation.
The thought puts the differences between us into stark contrast. I peer at Hadrell out of the corner of my eye as I follow them further into the ship, wondering how many times their life has been in danger. How much of what they talk about is based on lived experience and hard-earned lessons?
I want to ask them, but we have work to do and I’ve already been enough of a distraction, so I push the burning curiosity to the back of my mind and focus on the task at hand as best I can.