Chapter 34
34
N o more secrets.
My promise echoes in my mind with each step, matching Paul’s heartbeat thumping against my chest as I hold him tight. By the time we get off the lift and I unlock the doors to our quarters, I’m so tense I’m sure Paul can feel it.
I want him. Stars, my hands are shaking with how much I want us to learn each other’s bodies with nothing getting in the way. But what I’ve left unsaid still hangs like a weight around my neck. There can’t be no secrets between us if it’s still there, a constant reminder of what I’ve hidden my entire life.
When I set Paul down on the edge of the bed, he clings to me, pressing his mouth to mine and tangling a hand in my hair. Hot, possessive lust tangles with nerves and an ache in my chest I’ve never experienced before. It takes all my willpower to break the kiss and step back.
Paul smiles at me, eyes hooded with desire. “Come back here, l’thran .”
My heart leaps in my chest. The endearment is slightly stilted coming from his lips, but it’s still the best thing I’ve ever heard.
I open my mouth to slow things down and tell him my secret before things go any further. Instead, a confession spills from my lips as I look down at the perfect human sitting before me.
“I love you, Paul.”
I began calling him “ l’thran” before I truly realized the word’s veracity. Now that I’ve professed my love aloud, it feels so right. I’ve only loved a few people in my life, and before now, it was never romantic. There were a few people I probably could’ve loved given time, but no one ever stuck around for long enough for me to discover that.
It figures that someone had to be stuck with me for cycles on end for me to experience this kind of love. I can only pray that Paul feels the same way, and that he won’t lose interest the moment he’s able to go back home.
Vash-ka , what am I doing?
He’s made it clear that he’s going back to Spire as soon as it’s safe to take him. I shouldn’t be confessing love to him. I shouldn’t?—
“Oh thank god, I love you too,” Paul says, his words tumbling out on a relieved exhale. “I was scared to say anything, but Rema was so certain you cared for me. It felt wrong to keep being intimate with you without telling you the depth of my feelings, but I didn’t want to ruin anything or make things awkward.”
As much as Paul’s words bring me joy, the mention of Rema steals away some of my pleasure.
Paul rubs the back of his neck when he sees my reaction. “Shit, sorry, did I make it weird after all? I thought since you said it… but did it mistranslate? Oh god, did you mean you love me like a friend? Was there a ‘but this isn’t going to work’ that was coming after?”
“No!” I drop to my knees before him and cradle his cheeks in my hands, stroking my thumbs across his bristly beard so he’ll stop spiraling. “No, sweet, wonderful, human. I’m in love with you. No caveats or addendums.”
He smiles at me, leaning into my touch. “What was that look for, then?”
“Ah.” A frown tugs my lips down.
I don’t want to talk about my worries right now. All I want to do is kiss and caress Paul to show him my love, and feel his love in return. But talking about Rema may help me cool things down enough to confess my secret before I’m overwhelmed by my desire.
Paul’s lovely thalist-colored eyes search my face as I hesitate. “Is it because I mentioned Rema?”
“Yes. I’m….” Void, it hurts to say the words aloud. It’s like a slap to my face and to hers, speaking aloud the dark worries that are roiling inside me. “I’m concerned about her.”
Paul nods, waiting for me to expand on that thought. I sigh and stand so I don’t have to have this conversation from the floor, taking Paul’s hand in mine and guiding him over to the table to sit down there with me.
He settles in across from me, and I wish Leilit were here for him to hold while we have this conversation.
“You think Rema may have been the one to help sabotage the ship?” Paul says, reaching out to place his hand on mine as my fingers drum anxiously against the table.
“I don’t want to,” I sigh. “The thought of my best friend—my sister—betraying me… lying to me and me being too blind to see it… that’s a horrible feeling. ”
Paul squeezes my hand. He may not have my powers, but his touch is an anchor in the storm of confusion and guilt inside me. “If it helps, there’s no way Rema betrayed you.”
My brow furrows. “How could you know that? She’s the closest friend I have, the one person I always thought I could count on, and I can’t say for certain that it wasn’t her.”
“I have an outside perspective,” Paul says calmly. “I’m telling you, she would rather die than betray you. You should’ve seen her in the corridor when she was threatening me about not hurting you. You can’t fake that kind of devotion.”
“She threatened you?” My words come out in a half-growl.
Paul snorts. “Yeah. It was scary. I told her I loved you and she told me she’d kill me if I broke your heart. It wasn’t a joke.”
“Excuse me, I need to go have a word with Rema.” I start to stand, but Paul tugs me back down.
“It’s fine. She won’t need to kill me, because I… well, I’m in this. All the way.” The skin above Paul’s beard burnishes and he clears his throat. “So, yeah. It’s not Rema.”
“I’m in this all the way, too,” I murmur, sinking back into my seat. Relief settles the sick sensation in my stomach from suspecting Rema. “And if you say it isn’t Rema, I trust your judgment.”
The realization takes me by surprise. I don’t just love Paul. I trust him. It feels as momentous for me to know in my gut that I can rely on Paul as it does to have him residing in my heart.
Paul beams at me. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” He pauses, then continues. “I don’t have as good a read on Yaz, but if I had to bet, I’d say it wasn’t him, either. If he had a grudge, he could kill you in your sleep before you even knew what was happening. Besides, someone who hated you wouldn’t have had a conversation with me about his excitement that you’d found a mate. ”
“You’re right. I don’t think it was Yaz.” I’d briefly entertained the thought, but couldn’t come up with any possible motivation for my security officer to want to sabotage me or our ship. Never mind the fact that he’s a horrible liar. “Hold on. What was that about him being excited about me finding a mate?”
“Oh! Shit, I need to ask you about that, too.” Paul’s flush deepens. “At the time, I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about, but now that I know you love me… Seladin don’t have mates, right?”
My brow scrunches as I try to follow Paul’s scattered thoughts. I don’t want to disappoint him by saying we’re not fated to be together by some mysterious universal force or a quirk of biology, but he sounds like he already knows. “No, we don’t have mates.”
“Right. Okay. Neither do humans. I told Yaz that when he thought I was marking the ship to stake my claim on you as a mate. He was convinced you gifting me Leilit was a sign of wanting to ‘soul bond’. I still don’t know what that means, since I didn’t have a comm to look it up, and it would’ve been weird to ask you.”
Warmth and a sense of rightness flood me at the mention of a soul bond. Stars, I’m oblivious to my own actions. Even Yaz could see what I was doing before I understood.
I smile at Paul and turn my hand over to lace my fingers with his, filing away his curious comment about marking the ship for later. “Seladin don’t have mates, but we have a concept called a soul bond. I’m not sure if humans have something similar, but it’s essentially when you find a partner that you connect with deeply and you want to tether your souls together.”
Paul’s eyes widen and I chuckle. “It’s metaphorical. At least, that’s what I believe. Some think there’s a literal invisible tether, but I’ve never put much stock in mystical unknowns. Soul bonds are formed through acts of devotion to a partner. Courting them with gifts and showing love through your actions.”
“So it’s deciding you want to be with someone and showing them you’re committed?” Paul asks softly.
“Essentially. A soul bond is choosing every cycle to be there for your partner. To love and trust in the connection you have, and maintain it so it doesn’t fray.”
Paul smiles hesitantly. “So… was Leilit really a sign you wanted to soul bond with me?”
I smile back. “I didn’t realize it then, but yes. If I’d known, I would’ve asked if you reciprocated my desire to soul bond before jumping into it.” I pause, gathering up the nerve to say what I need to. “And I would’ve told you something important about me before we started toward a soul bond.”
“You can tell me anything,” he murmurs earnestly.
The tenderness and love in Paul’s eyes threatens to overwhelm me. As much as I don’t want to take my hand from his, I can’t be touching him when I reveal my secret. I give his hand a squeeze and release it, running my fingers through my hair and giving him a shaky smile.
“Do you recall how I was going to tell you a secret the other night cycle, and we were interrupted before I could?”
“Yeah.” Paul’s brow knits together. “I figured you’d tell me what it was when you felt comfortable. I didn’t want to push you.”
“Okay, well, I need to tell you now.” I swallow hard, clasping my hands together to keep them from trembling. “And I need to preface this again with a promise that I’ve never once done anything to force you into wanting or thinking something that went against your free will.”
“That sounds ominous.” Paul laughs for a moment, but sobers when I don’t join him. “I believe you. Go on.”
I brace myself and force the words out. “I’m an empath. Not a powerful one, but I have a small amount of psionic capabilities.”
Paul blinks at me a few times. “I’m sorry. I don’t quite know what you mean. Like you have mind control powers?” He laughs again and my stomach clenches.
This is what I was always warned about. That people will think because I have access to their emotions, I have the power to influence their minds. That they’ll blame me for messing with their thoughts or even “forcing” them to act a certain way, when that isn’t at all how it works.
“No! I can only sense emotions, not alter them. It makes it easier for me to know how to approach my interactions with others, but I don’t have any influence or control over minds.”
I wait for Paul to say something, but he’s still staring at me, mouth hanging open.
“Some might say it gives me an unfair advantage when negotiating or trying to connect with others, but you could say the same about someone who is very attractive or highly intelligent. I know it can be seen as an invasion of privacy, but I don’t have any malicious intent. Most of the time, I use my empathic abilities because I want to find a way to help the people I care about. I have no way to prove it, but I promise you, I’ve never read your emotions outside of times when you were distressed.”
Paul’s mouth opens and closes a few times as he stares at me in shock. “How… how do you do it? How do you read the emotions?” he finally asks.
This is what I dread telling him more than anything. I don’t want every touch we’ve shared to be re-contextualized as invasive.
I swallow against the dread trying to clog my throat and stop me from replying. “It’s difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t have the ability. I connect with my mind through, uh, pathways that give me access to emotions. And I… I need to be touching someone in order to do it.”
My entire body tenses like it’s preparing for an attack. Ready for Paul to scream at me for manipulating him. For the love in his eyes to shift to mistrust.
I don’t realize that I’ve shut my eyes until Paul’s hand rests atop mine, and they pop back open as I flinch at the unexpected touch.
“Whoa, that’s amazing,” Paul whispers, eyes wide in wonder, not fear. A soft, stunned laugh bubbles out of him. “God, I should’ve known. You know, there were so many times when you touched me and it felt like you could see into my thoughts.”
“I… You’re not upset?” I ask, stunned.
Paul squeezes my hands. “You used your abilities to help me when I was struggling. Why would that make me mad?”
Any fear or dread inside me vanishes, replaced by disbelief that he’s taking this so well. For years, my family reminded me constantly that people hate empaths. Told me I’d be seen as untrustworthy if I revealed to anyone what I could do.
“What?” I don’t mean to say the thought aloud, but I can’t help it. Paul accepting it with no issue is incomprehensible.
Paul removes his hand from mine and narrows his eyes at me, a small frown forming on his lips.
Ah, there it is. It took a moment to register, but there’s the anger.
“Hadrell, have you seriously never told anyone about this? No one in your crew? Not even Rema?”
An unexpected tear rolls down my cheek. “No.”
He curses and stands, rounding the table to where I’m sitting, and tugs me up, wrapping his strong arms around me.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he whispers as I blink down at him, more tears spilling from my natural eye. “I’m so sorry. That must’ve been so hard.”
I can’t do anything but nod, years of suppressed emotions crashing down on me, making it impossible to speak.
“You’re incredible,” he murmurs. “This only adds to how special and wonderful you are. You have a skill that allows you to bring comfort and ease to those you care for.” Paul lets out a soft chuckle. “Not that it surprises me. Helping people is what you live for.”
A choked sob bursts out of me and I bury my face against Paul’s neck. He doesn’t say anything else, letting me cry as he holds me.
I don’t know how long we stay like this. I barely register when Paul shifts us over to the bed and lays me down, curling his smaller body against mine and holding me there.
The steady rise and fall of his chest and his soothing hands running up and down my back draw me back to myself. I become more aware of his heat and the thick, muscled planes of his body, arousal creeping in as I do.
I shift so I can press my lips against Paul’s throat, and his breath catches. “Thank you, l’thran ,” I whisper.
He laughs softly, the sound vibrating against me. “I should be thanking you. Not only did I find the most amazing person to love, but they’re also able to help me untangle my emotions. I should also be apologizing to you for the absolute emotional mess that I am. It must be a nightmare when you sense my emotions.”
“Not at all,” I protest. “Sensing what you need from your emotions brings me joy.” I wait a beat before continuing. “You’re sure it doesn’t bother you?”
Paul huffs, giving my hip a squeeze. “I’m sure. Though we should probably set some boundaries for using it.”
Pulling back to search his face, Paul’s calm, thoughtful expression eases my flare of worry. “Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable.”
“The main thing I can think of is to let me try to sort my shit out first before you jump in to help. It’s a bit of an ego blow to know that my confidence and growth lately was probably more due to your insights than anything I did.”
“That’s not true. At all,” I say with a frown. “You did that, Paul. You’re the one who carried me back to the ship when I was in too much pain. You’re the one who volunteered to go on this terrifying job. That was all you.”
His mouth falls open slightly, like he wants to protest, so I surge up and tug on his lower lip with my teeth, then press a firm kiss to his lips. “You’re brave and incredible,” I murmur. “I’m just the lucky one that gets to support you as you realize that. I won’t try to access your emotions unless you ask me to. Though, I may take charge if it’s a moment where you can’t tell me you need help. I love you too much to have you retreat on me when your anxiety overwhelms you.”
Paul’s dark eyelashes flutter and I marvel at how lovely his eyes are. “Okay. Deal.”
“Shall we do a handshake on it?” I grin and hold a hand up, jerking it up and down suggestively.
Paul snorts and grabs my hand, bringing it up to his lips. “You’re ridiculous.”
I nod in agreement. “Any other requests or thoughts about my abilities?” I want to lay everything out now, so there’s nothing hidden between us. “Or any dark secrets you want to share?” I add, the corner of my mouth tilting into a teasing smile.
“Me?” Paul’s thick brows raise. “Uh, no. You already know mine. The anxiety and childhood trauma are plenty.”
I laugh. “Fair enough. ”
“I don’t know if it’s my place to say this…” Paul looks down, breaking my gaze.
I stroke a hand down his spine. “If it’s something on your mind, I want to hear it.”
“I think the crew would understand. If you want to tell them. I won’t bring it up again and I don’t want to pressure you. It’s just very clear to me how much they respect you. And I don’t know… it might feel nice to let them support you the way you support them. To show them you trust them with all of you.”
“That’s…” My throat works as I try to imagine telling them. The usual fear is still there, but it’s tempered by hesitant hope. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay.” Paul kisses my cheek. There’s no judgment or frustration. Only support.
“ Vash-ka , I love you.” I hope I’m not annoying Paul with how often I’m telling him that now. Though, Paul’s beaming smile at the words tells me I’m probably fine to say it whenever I want.
“I love you,” he says, idly toying with the waistband of my pants. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
Wet heat pools between my thighs at that small touch. “Hmm, let me think…” I slide my hand down between our bodies to cup his cock, smiling when I find it hard already.
“Oh!” Paul exclaims. “Actually, I have one more question.”
I tilt my head, lips quirking at his curiosity while I have his cock in hand.
“Have you ever, uh, used your abilities in bed? Not to manipulate anyone! But to… enhance things.”
“What a filthy mind my sweet l’thran has,” I murmur, squeezing his length. “Maybe once or twice, when a partner was struggling to orgasm, to get a better sense of what they needed from me. But that was only after plying them with my considerable skills and diligent attention. Why? Do I leave you unsatisfied?”
“God, no. Not at all,” Paul chuckles. “I’m barely able to keep it together as it is. I was only curious if it could help, uh… guide you to cool things down a bit when I’m getting close. I don’t want to disappoint you by getting overwhelmed like I usually do.”
“You’re never a disappointment, Paul,” I rasp, then nip at his throat, loving how his cock bucks against my palm as I do. “But if you want to be my perfect fa’sli and have me keep you on the edge, using your body until I’m satisfied, I’m happy to oblige.”
“Fuck yes, I do,” he sighs, pressing in closer.
“Remember your safeword. Use it if it becomes too much,” I warn, needing to know I won’t torture him too much.
“Yes, sir.” Paul pauses, brow furrowing. “Unless you’d rather we don’t play that kind of game now that we’re… now that we’re soul bonding. Is it weird for us to continue?”
“No, l’thran ,” I say, a dark, heated chuckle falling from my lips. “Now that I know you’re truly mine, it only makes me want to play it more.”