Chapter 17
MONTE CARLO, MONACO
T he haze of fatigue was still fogging her mind as she deposited her empty glass by the sink. Yawning, Indy padded back towards her room, the coldness of the floorboards making chills prickle the back of her neck.
She’d caught a glimpse of the time before entering the dark hallway: two in the morning.
Indy hadn’t been able to sleep well since she’d entered her bedroom after watching a romantic comedy with Miles (yes, he had caved in). She’d woken up every hour, an unsettling sensation stirring deep inside her gut, and she still didn’t know why. Like every night before switching the lights off, she had done her breathing exercises which should have helped her sleep peacefully.
Just as she stepped inside her room, a scream echoed from the other end of the corridor, making her heart leap out of her chest.
“ NO!” Huxley shouted, a crack in his voice.
With a hand placed above her chest, she could feel the uneven and wild beat of her organ. She hurried to his room without a second thought. Uncaring of the consequences.
Miles wasn’t trashing or turning in his bed like she’d expected to find him, but he was lying immobile, his skin damp with sweat, his fists curled into tight balls atop the sheets.
He whimpered, the sound filled with agony, his head turning to face Indy. The deep crease between his eyebrows was illuminated by the faint glow of the moonlight streaming through the gap in the curtains, his hair sticking to his forehead.
“No, please,” he whispered, followed by a gut-wrenching sob. Whatever he was dreaming about was destroying him, and Indy could feel her heart drop inside her stomach at the sight.
Indy had never seen him like this. She could feel tears gather at the corners of her eyes, but she took a breath and braced herself as she walked further into the room.
“Huxley?” she attempted softly.
She wasn’t sure of how to handle the situation. She didn’t want to startle him but also didn’t want to leave him so distressed any longer.
She kneeled on the carpet, her bare knees digging into the soft fabric just as she shook his shoulder. “Huxley.”
A tear streamed down his cheek, causing the ache in her chest to grow—like vines wrapping around her heart, squeezing, compressing, and squashing in order to break it.
“Huxley!” She shook his shoulder more firmly and he finally jolted upright into a sitting position. His bare torso shone with perspiration, the blanket pooling at his waist. The dismay and concern etched on his handsome face truly broke her.
His chest heaved, his bated breaths reverberating off the walls as his empty gaze searched her face.The sheer fear marring his features, the confusion in his gaze… She simply hated whatever affliction he was going through.
“Hey,” she whispered, coming to sit on the edge of the mattress. “It’s me.”
His gaze softened, a sigh filled with relief escaping his mouth. “Indy?” God, she’d never seen him so out of control, so lost, so tormented.
She nodded, offering him a reassuring smile. “Are you okay?” What a daft question. Of course, he wasn’t.
His swallow was audible as he pushed his hair away from his forehead, his fingers shaking.
“Can I touch you?” Indy’s voice was above a mere whisper.
Miles gave her a nod, and even if she’d have wanted to hear a verbal response, she didn’t want to leave him with his internal battle any longer. Delicately, she ran her hands from his wrists to his shoulders. He shivered beneath her palms, his wide eyes pleading for her to lift him out of this nightmare. “Come here.”
The moment she pulled him into her chest, he wrapped his arms around her waist, tightly so. Like he was tethering himself to her. Like he didn’t want to let go.
His entire body trembled beneath her hands, her caresses floating between his shoulder blades where the muscles were taut with fear. Discomfort. Anguish.
She felt something wet cascade down her shoulder and that was when she felt a knot twisting inside her throat. He shook when her fingers wove into the hair at his nape, his embrace tightening.
She could feel his heart beating fast, wild, as if it had gone into racing mode. Could feel the utter pain in his demeanour as he clung to her as though she was his lifeline.
“It’s okay,” she soothed, passing gentle fingers through his hair. “You’re safe.”
“You’re here,” he said, so quietly that it had almost been inaudible.
She swallowed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Miles pulled her onto his lap, and Indy didn’t care about his naked chest. Didn’t care about the thin silky camisole hugging her torso being the only piece of clothing between them. She simply cared about the fact he was being held, that she did not want to loosen her hold.
They stayed attached to one another for minutes—like two perfectly fitted puzzle pieces—without saying a word, without moving.
“You’re okay. Everything’s all right.”
Repeatedly, she whispered that he was safe with her. That nothing could hurt him.
Eventually, his body stopped trembling and his breathing calmed down to even puffs of air.
Her mind was flooded with questions, but she didn’t dare voice any of them.
Without warning, he flipped them over until Indy was lying down, facing him. He pulled her in by the hip, engulfing her between strong arms as she placed her head on his chest.
Soon enough, their legs were tangled, her arms looped around his waist.
She felt so safe, so at peace between his arms, listening to the steady yet loud patter of his heartbeat. Like this, she almost felt complete.
She wondered if he also felt this way. Or if he was holding onto her because she’d been there at the right time. Slightly shifting to make herself more comfortable, she felt his grip tightening.
“Don’t go just yet,” he demanded, his raspy voice feeling akin to a cool breeze slipping through the crack of an open window.
It hurt—to be this close to Miles and wanting to be even closer, but knowing there was a line between them. But being here and not knowing the cause of his utter distress hurt just as much.
She drew soft circles along his ribs, feeling goosebumps arise in the wake of her touch. “Huxley?”
He hummed, as if to respond yes , the vibration rumbling inside his chest.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
The lengthy silence made her move just enough to look at him. His eyes were shut, the crease that had once formed a line between his brows now gone. “Not today,” he answered in a whisper.
“Okay.”
His features relaxed, but his arms stayed firmly around her shoulders. She sighed, observing his handsome face—those regal cheekbones, that little scar atop his right brow, his full lips, the shadow of a moustache growing and the stubble smattered across his jawline.
“Can you stay? Just for a bit.”
Indy exhaled, sinking further into him. “Anything you need.”
“Thank you, Daisy.”
When his breaths became even, soft, she understood he’d fallen asleep.
Perhaps having Indy here had helped him find a sliver of strength to forget about his demons and fall asleep peacefully.
Delicately, Indy brushed a dark strand of hair away from his brow. He didn’t so much as stir, his lips parting to let a breath escape.
Even asleep he looked distraught and tortured. Indy hated seeing him like this.
What was she supposed to do? Stay here and fall asleep in the comfort of his arms, his sheets? Go and give him some space until he was ready to open up?
The former option was the one she wanted to lean on, the one she’d been waiting for. But the latter seemed like the smartest decision—because she knew Miles, and she did not want him to panic in the morning if he found her sleeping in his bed. Especially not after a moment like the one she had witnessed, which he certainly hadn’t wanted her to see.
She waited a moment—minutes, an hour—to ensure that he was sound asleep, that he wasn’t about to wake up again screaming and drenched in sweat.
It was when her eyelids felt heavy that she forced herself to move. Slowly escaping his embrace, she tried to ignore the tight feeling inside her chest and slipped out of his room.
Several hours later when Indy walked into the kitchen, she found herself being surprised at the sight of Miles standing at the counter, focused on his task.
His head jerked up when she approached, a ghost of a smile touching his lips. “Morning.”
She yawned, wrapping her robe around herself. “Hey, stud.”
“You good?”
Indy blinked. His hair was tousled as if he’d run his fingers through it multiple times, his eyes slightly glossy from the lack of sleep, even hidden behind his glasses. Worry consumed her senses as she wondered why he wasn’t getting the rest he desperately needed.
“Yes,” she lied. She hadn’t been able to sleep at all until five in the morning. It was now seven. “You?”
“Doing pretty great.” Did he also just blatantly lie in her face? “I’m trying to make you a matcha latte.”
That was when she noticed the mess on the counter, the strawberries in a bowl, the bottle of oat milk. “You are?”
Miles cleared his throat, dropping his gaze to the little bowl set before him. “I woke up again and couldn’t fall asleep. Watched videos on how to make your favourite drink.”
She couldn’t control the furious blush heating her cheeks. “You didn’t have to.”
“Shouldn’t you be thanking me?”
“I was getting there, Golden Boy.” She gave him a smile that made a tinge of rose appear on his face. “Thank you, but you didn’t have to.”
“Everything I do for you is because I genuinely want to. Not because you think I feel obligated.”
Sure, Indy had friends—a lot of them—but he was one of the rare ones who enjoyed doing something for her without wanting anything in exchange.
Indy had left the door to her room ajar just in case he’d wake up again. Guilt gripped at her nerves because she shouldn’t have left—especially since he had asked for her to stay.
“This is really sweet of you.” She let her mouth tip upwards into a beam.
When his gaze dropped to her lips, everything stopped. “Anything to see your beautiful smile.”
“Stop flirting.”
“Can’t resist the temptation. I made a strawberry purée,” he said then. “Thought I’d make an iced strawberry matcha latte, but then I realised that I don’t know if you like strawberries or?—”
“I love them,” she cut in, smiling.
“I never asked if you have any allergies.”
“Just to assholes,” she muttered, patting Rosie’s head who was sleeping on a fluffy mat by the floor-to-ceiling window.
Miles snorted. That felt like a victory to Indy. She collected his smiles and laughs like rare gemstones. “So basically you’ve been allergic to me for the past couple of years?”
“Basically, yeah. Seems like the allergy is getting better, though.”
“Glad to hear that.” His palm rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just not sure how to whisk the powder properly.”
She watched as he attempted to mix the green powder with the water, obliging her to step in. “Hold on.” She came to stand by his side, the lingering memories of his arms around her making the warmth inside her chest expand. “Here.” She placed her hand atop his, guiding his movement, the zip of electricity from his skin directly seeping into her veins. “You want to make an M and Z motion with the whisk. You can be thorough. We don’t want clumps of matcha at the bottom of our glass.”
She helped Miles finish the mixture and took a slight step away. She was in awe of how meticulous he was when it came to cooking. After being done with her drink, he handed it to her.
Indy brought the straw to her lips, and the first sip sent her straight to heaven. She moaned, going in for another sip. “This is delicious.”
It wasn’t the scarlet blush on his cheekbones that had caught her attention, but his broad smile. “I’m glad.”
He caught her wrist, bringing the drink towards him. If he heard the way her breath had hitched, he didn’t show it. He hummed in approval after taking a sip. “I like this one better than the one you made me drink when you first moved in.”
She scoffed. “You make it sound like I forced you to drink it.”
He chuckled, then grabbed her free hand. His thumb drew circles on her palm before he laced their fingers together. For a few seconds, he didn’t look into her eyes, but when he did, there was a gloom that had misted over his bright green irises.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “For last night.”
She squeezed his hand. “Don’t apologise.”
“I woke you up, and I bet you were worried. And I’m sorry for pushing you away when you asked if I wanted to talk about it. I’m just so, so sorry.”
Putting down the glass, she cupped the side of his broad neck. “I appreciate the apology, but I promise that it’s not necessary. I was just scared and worried. And I just want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk about it. Whenever you’re ready.”
The subtle clench in his jaw didn’t go unnoticed, but when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in, all worries seemed to fade away. She held Miles just as tightly, balling his t-shirt between her fists. One of his hands cupped the back of her head, his fingers tangling with her locks.
“Thank you,” he whispered against the crown of her head. “For coming. For staying. Just—thank you.”
“Of course. You call, I come running.”
When Miles kissed her temple softly, she felt her heart burst—fireworks on a summer night.
And when he didn’t pull away, slowly swaying to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You, he asked, “Is it okay if I hold you a little bit longer?” Indy nodded because this may be the only glimpse she could take at his vulnerability. May be the only time he would hold her close.
This was better than receiving nothing at all, and perhaps Indy was a fool for thinking she could live with the tiny pieces of himself that he was handing her.
“More than okay.” She inhaled his addictive scent, keeping her eyes closed to linger in the moment. “It feels nice to be hugged.”
“Especially when it feels right,” he murmured.
Indy nodded in agreement, feeling the back of her throat tighten. “Did you know my parents hugged Kai and I on rare occasions?”
“I’m sorry,” Miles said. “I know how that feels, and it sucks. Your parents might not have given you that kind of affection, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be held. I’ll hold you, Indy, and I won’t let go.”
At that exact moment, she felt a shard go through her organ, letting all those broken pieces that had been hanging by a thin thread fracture into dust. She was all too familiar with what heartbreak felt like—but the worst of it all was that she wanted him to mend the fragmented pieces.
Indy simply wanted him—dark facets, scars, fears and insecurities, and even bits of brokenness. She wanted all of him, and she didn’t know how to tell him. How to let him know without scaring him away. Because if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that Miles tended to shield himself when something good came his way.
Malakai answered on the third ring, sounds of laughter booming on his side of the line.
“What’s up, Ind?” The smile in his tone was evident, and the thought of seeing her brother happy and enjoying life so thoroughly enveloped her in a bubble of pure delight.
“Are you busy?”
“Nah,” he said. “Just eating out with Rome and Ez.”
Indy had texted Kai to call her as soon as he was free, and her phone rang not even two seconds later. At the time, she was still in the flat, so she had declined the call and waited until she was outside to call her brother back.
“Tell them I said hi.”
Kai echoed her demand, and she chuckled when his two best friends greeted her so joyfully that she couldn’t help but smile, too.
“Where are you?” Kai asked. “You sound out of breath.”
“I’m crossing the road. Taking Rosie on a walk.” The dog peered up at the sound of her name.
Indy had suggested taking Rosie out and coming back with some take away food. Miles had grinned, broad and beautiful, settling for Thai before asking which rom-com to watch tonight.
She was starting to love this ordeal of spending more time together.
“Holy shit, you’re so out of shape,” Kai mocked.
“Tell me about it. Listen, it’s about Huxley.”
“Hang on.” A few heartbeats later, the sound of chatter sounded more distant. “What about him?”
Indy halted on the sidewalk, blowing out a breath. “Do you know about his nightmares?”
The lengthy silence made her check her phone to ensure the call hadn’t been disconnected.
“Do you?—”
“Don’t tell me what causes them, don’t tell me anything. I just wanted to know if you knew of them.”
She imagined Kai passing his fingers through his dark hair. “It’s not my place to tell, anyway. But yeah, he doesn’t get them often, but when he does, they’re really bad.”
“Last night was terrifying,” she admitted, a lump growing in her throat. “I was so scared, and he looked so pained, and I wanted to cry too, and?—”
“What did you do?” Sympathy was woven into his tone.
“Just held him.”
Kai paused again. “Do you like him?”
“Of course, we’ve known each other?—”
“No, like, do you have feelings for Miles?”
She couldn’t. She wasn’t allowed to. Miles was Kai’s best friend. She couldn’t do this to her brother. Couldn’t steal him. Therefore, Indy really needed to find the courage to step back.
“No,” she answered quietly, her stomach churning with the lie escaping her mouth. “Don’t worry. He’s super attractive, though.”
“Facts,” he chuckled. “Thanks, Ind. Thank you for being there for him.”
“He’s not alone. I hope he knows that.”
“He might be an F1 World Champion, has tons of people looking up at him and friends on the other side of the world, but I think he’s a bit lonely at times. I think you’re making this a bit better for him.”
“How do you know that?”
“He talks a lot about you. He won’t ever say it, but he loves having you around. Not because you remind him of me, but because he likes you.”
She paused. “As a friend?”
“Yeah. Miles doesn’t do feelings. Don’t get your hopes up.”
A knot was growing inside her throat, the urge to claw at her skin becoming overwhelming. “Are you sure about that?”
“Positive. I know he’s been seeing this girl for the past couple of years, although they’re keeping it casual. He never mentioned her name, but I just know he’s only been with her, and I’m just baffled by the fact he still hasn’t fallen for her.”
“Lucky girl.” The way her heart was nearly on the brink of shattering was not a good sign. The idea of being the only woman for Miles but still feeling as though she wasn’t good enough for him was putting her in an endless spiral of affliction. “He made me a matcha latte this morning, though. Be prepared to receive an invitation to our wedding soon.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Kai grumbled.
She sniffled, then waved at Thiago who came out of his building. “You’re not mad that I care about him, are you?”
Kai chuckled. “Of course not. Makes me happy to see my two best friends care about each other.”
She smiled. “Thanks, Kai.”
“Yup. I’m always a call away if you need anything.” There was a small beat of silence. “Oh, and Ind? In case I don’t say it enough, I’m really, really fucking proud of you. Love you.”
Kai didn’t give her the chance to respond and hung up.
Thiago grinned as he reached Indy, hands in the pockets of his baggy jeans. “What’s up, blondie?”
She rolled her eyes at the given nickname. “I’m walking to grab some Thai food. Want to join me?”
“Sure.” They fell into step on the sidewalk, the cool breeze brushing her hair away from her face. “Where’s Huxley?”
“He was in his sim room when I left, but he’s probably chilling now.”
“Does he ever stop?” There was simple curiosity in Thiago’s question.
Indy shook her head, her grip around Rosie’s leash tightening. “No. He’s a hardworking man.”
Thiago hummed. “He reminds me of Kam in a way.”
She side-glanced at her friend, noticing the blush on his face. “How is she doing by the way? I feel like I barely see her nowadays.”
“You know how she is. Working day and night to make sure everything’s perfect. Now that the second café is open, she’s running left and right, but I truly admire her courage. She’s phenomenal and doing amazing.”
“She’s so brave,” Indy whispered. “Her hard work has paid off.”
“Sure has. She’s doing big things.”
Indy blew a raspberry. “I love Kam. She’s the coolest.”
There were three women that Indy looked up to: her mother who’d taught her so much; Kamari, her inspiring best friend who was the embodiment of bravery; and Carmen, her boss, who was the living proof that women belonged in a male-dominated world, and that nothing and no one could tear them apart.
“Hey,” Thiago teased, elbowing her. “She’s my girl.”
Chuckling, she dropped her gaze to her shoes. “Tito, can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“How did you manage to have Kam open up when she tried to shut herself off?”
She could feel Thiago’s gaze on her. “Be patient. Show Huxley that you care about him. Give him pieces of yourself—parts no one knows about you—and he’ll open up. I’m sure he’s terrified of something that doesn’t have to dowith you, and all you can do during those moments is hold his hand and prove to him that you’re not going anywhere.”
“And if he keeps pushing me away?”
The gentle squeeze he applied on her shoulder was coaxing. “You know your worth, Ind. You don’t bow for anyone, so if fighting for him destroys you more than it gives you hope to, one day, be with him, please protect your heart. You deserve more than a man who makes you second-guess yourself. You deserve more than a man who makes you wait.”
Fuck. He was right.
“I know what I want, though. And I’m going to do everything I can for it to be mine.”
“I like your determination, but I thought your main focus was work?”
“It is. It will always be. But Tito, at the end of the day, I’m just a girl who lives under the same roof as her childhood crush.”
But Indy was too full of life, full of love, to be someone’s maybe— his maybe. She longed to be his certainty, the object of his daydreams, his future but also his anchor to the present moment—his everything. Clinging to the hope would destroy her, but it was no secret that she was a fool for Miles Huxley. And if there was one thing aside from racing he was excellent at, it was shattering her heart.