Splintered Hearts

Four

Jamie

“I hate parties.”

“You!” Xavi nearly falls off the ladder, swinging his head around and gasping like a drama queen. He thought stringing up lights would add to the “ambiance” tonight, but all it will do is give me one more thing to clean up. I watch the tiny ponytail on top of his head shake—most likely Brianna’s work—it even has a cute little silver bow. This wouldn’t be the first time, or the last, one of us fell victim to her makeovers.

It would also explain the shimmering silver dragon scales decorating his temples. None of us give a shit about wearing stuff like that—especially Xavier. People bothered by men wearing makeup need to find a real struggle. My brother wears lip gloss and would beat anyone’s ass if they so much as say a word about it.

“I’m just saying! I hate this.”

He gets off the ladder and puts the leftover lights in Bri’s box. “I’m so sorry, Your Grace,” he says, giving me a curtsy. I think about flipping him off. “Silly me for thinking this wasn’t about you. My deepest apologies, sire.”

“Ignore him.” Hunter walks in. “Bri’s making him watch Bridgerton .”

“Game of Thrones!”

“Whatever.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It’s only a couple of people. It’s hardly a party.” Well, I have to disagree. More than just me means a party. Hunter drops down on the seat next to me, and some of the tension on his face from earlier seems to be gone. Maybe he made up with Mark.

Great.

“Are you alright?” Hunter’s eyes meet mine, and I see how tired he is. Something else is going on, but it isn’t my place. Hunter knows he can talk to me.

“I’m fine. Mark and I just got into a small fight earlier.”

“Again?” my dumbass brother says. Growing up, having a sibling seemed like a pipe dream. In some of the foster homes I’d been in I’d formed some bonds, but nothing like this. Xavier radiates younger-sibling energy and I would rather chop my nuts off than tell him how much he means to me. Growing up, I was so alone, and now, unfortunately, sometimes I’m surrounded by so many people.

“Don’t say it like that. We don’t fight that much.”

Xavier’s brown eyes meet mine. “Problemas en el paraíso?” He shrugs.

“Shut the fuck up,” Hunter growls. “You aren’t being subtle when the words are nearly the same in English, dumbass!”

Xavi laughs. “You know I’m messing around. You and Mark are solid. Whatever’s happening is trivial bullshit.” I have to agree with Xavi. Mark and Hunter have the kind of love that’s steady. One where you can plan shit and know the other person will be there.

“It’s just his friend.”

Xavi cocks a dark brow. “I’ll fuck him up.”

“The only thing you’ll be fucking up is an ankle, tripping over yourself to fight him.” I shake my head. My brother is the clumsiest fucker on the planet.

“Fuck you. I beat Mike Sawka in senior year. You saw it!”

“No. You got punched in the nose... cried... then Luci grabbed his dick and nearly ripped it clean off his fucking body.” Hunter and Xavi stare at me and it takes me a moment to realize why.

Her name .

Fuck, I said her name.

Something strange fills me. I didn’t even hesitate, I just... said it. I struggle to breathe as my vision goes a little hazy. “That’s right.” Hunter distracts me. “I remember, you cried like a little baby.”

“Fuck you both. Have you ever been hit in the nose? That shit hurts.” I laugh, some of the tension inside me easing. My brother’s a soft boy no matter how he tries to act.

I said her name.

Panic squeezes me, but I remind myself it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s something I’ve been working on in secret. I don’t want anyone to know how sick I am of living the way I have been.

Or should I say, not living.

For years, I let insomnia, depression, and PTSD ruin my life, and I’m so very tired. Taking these steps has been scary, so I’ve kept it private. I’m trying and that has to count for something.

I said her name.

A tiny smile twitches at the corners of my lips before Hunter’s hand cups my knee. “What?”

“Nothing.” I lose his hand as fast as I got it. Sometimes Hunter looks at me like he’s reading my inner thoughts. Fucking psychology majors.

“So, who’s coming? Bri, obviously.” Xavi asks

“Obviously,” Hunter and I say in unison.

“Who else?”

“Sawyer. He’s coming down.” Hunter adds.

“He can, with the bakery?” Xavi asks.

“He’s closing tomorrow so he can come.”

“How’s it going?” It seems like Sawyer is constantly busy.

“He tells me good, but I don’t know. I feel like there’s something more happening. You know he doesn’t like to ask for help. I’m bringing Noah too, and Mark, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Xavi and I say.

“The best friend?” Xavi asks.

“Yeah, he needs to get the fuck out of the house. Being around other people will be good, for everyone.” Hunter turns to face me. “Which means some of us need to be nice tonight.”

“What the fuck do you think I’m going to do to him?” Seriously, why does everyone expect the worst from me—ah, ok, fair. It’s not like I try to be an asshole, though. Things just become a lot sometimes, and the box in my mind bursts open and I say shit I don’t mean. “I’ll be nice.” Ish.

“You know you’ll always be my favorite. We can still have sleepovers. Oh! We can wear matching pajamas... face masks. Eat ice cream! It’ll be so much fun.” Hunter tries to cheer me up.

“I am sad I’ll have to find a new way to pay my bills.”

“It’s not like your landlord will kick you out.” No, Mom wouldn’t, even when she should. “Aren’t you a little happy for me?”

Well, now I feel like shit. It isn’t that I’m not happy, it’s just that change is hard. Which is weird, because I went through hundreds of changes growing up. Maybe that’s why. Who knows? “I am happy I don’t have to listen to Mark screaming at the top of his lungs when you fuck him. It doesn’t sound like he enjoys what you do to him.”

“Oh, he enjoys what I do to him.” Hunter smirks.

“Gross!” Xavi’s face twists.

“Oh, grow up.”

“You wouldn’t like to know all the awesome kinky shit I do to girls!”

“You’d have to stop fantasizing about Brianna long enough to do said kinky shit.” A pillow flies through the air, and Hunter knocks it out of the way with the hand not nursing a beer.

Xavi and Hunter play fight, throwing harmless objects and words. Hunter’s words to me hit home, though. Of course I’m happy for him. It’s just, everyone is moving on with their lives, and I’m... I’m... here.

“I need to go home and change.” Hunter sets his drink down after barely taking a sip, but our eyes connect and understanding hits him. “I just took one sip. Just one, I promise.” He hands me the beer and I can feel that it’s heavy. I know I didn’t seen him drink much.

Still, anxiety webs my lungs. “I’ll drop him off.” Xavier smiles, stepping between us. “I have to run home anyway.”

Hunter ignores him, looking at me. “Jamie.” I drag my gaze up. “You know I would never drink and drive. I barely took a couple of sips. I’m going to put it in the fridge for later, okay?”

Feeling numb, all I can do is swallow. “Okay.”

“You want help painting tomorrow?”

I see it for its distraction, but I don’t want to fight. I take the bait instead. “If you don’t mind.”

“How’s it going?”

“It needs a couple of coats.” I’m surprised I even told them what I’ve been doing. It started with a dream I had a week ago—a rare dream that didn’t morph into a nightmare. Painting shouldn’t feel like a win, but damn, it does.

When she disappeared, so did my will to create anything.

My love of art and her.

Both things died the same night.

“Are you drawing again?”

“No.” That’s the truth. Not yet. “I was thinking of doing a tasteful pin-up of Bria—ah!” Clutching my balls, I fall forward onto the deck. “What the fuck!”

“You draw her and you’ll lose seven fingers!”

“Why seven—”

“I won’t even tell you which ones until I begin. Each one will be a bloody surprise!”

“You deserved that,” my asshole friend agrees.

Yeah, yeah. I know better. There are three things my brother doesn’t joke about—his limited edition Charizard Pokémon card that he has framed to this day, our saint of a mother, and Brianna.

“I’m sorry,” I wheeze. “You’re an asshole.”

“I’ll kick your ass.”

Rolling onto my back, I look up at the stars. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Some nights I come out here and just lay on the grass, looking up at the night sky and wondering if this is it. When dealing out souls had I been dealt the short straw?

Maybe, though, that’s my problem. Things just happen to me and I roll with it.

All I want is a tiny piece of the person I was before all of this. Before I let tragedy and a drunk asshole ruin my life. “Eight okay?”

“Yeah.” That’ll give me a few hours to take some medication, sleep, and shower. “What are you guys bringing?”

“Not a very good hostess.” Xavier laughs.

“I’m not throwing this, I’m just allowing you two assholes to have it here.”

Xavier looks at Hunter. “Do I need to say it or will you?”

“What?” Hunter shakes his head. “What!” I demand.

“Jamie.” Well, I don’t like that tone, not one damn bit. “You know why we’re having it here.”

My stomach twists. I need them all to go, now. I need space. “But it’s okay,” Xavier cuts in. “It’ll be fun. We want to have it here.”

“No you don’t. You’d be better having it at Mark’s. Don’t coddle me.”

“We aren’t coddling you. Mark’s place is too small. It’s okay.” Hunter tries to make me feel better. “We’re having it here. I want to spend one last night here. It’s fine.”

It isn’t fine—at all. I couldn’t leave the house and go to Mark’s. That would require me to get in a car and... No fucking thank you. Well, now I feel like shit, and to think I was finally having a good day. Not so good, I guess.

Just better.

Surviving, waking up, and breathing only work if I don’t let my mind wander. I can’t dwell. I can’t think.

That’s what weed is for.

Maybe I’ll text Bri. She’ll gladly supply me, loving when my ass is “high and happy” instead of “sober and insufferable.”

“Take a nap, asshole, we’re going to the store.”

“We’ll be back in a few hours, then it’s party time!” Xavi puts his hands on his knees, attempting to twerk. I shake my head and he sticks his tongue out, following Hunter out of my house. I’d better go in and sleep, then mentally prepare myself for a house full of people.

Fantastic.