15. Jasper
15
JASPER
W atching Ellie with Alfie as they fed the chickens and her patience in repeating their names several times because Alfie found it so funny, Jasper felt strange. He wasn’t quite sure what it was, but Ellie was so kind and patient with Alfie and he could see that his son liked her. Children were usually pretty good judges of character and Alfie was, at just five years old, apt to speak his mind. Jasper encouraged politeness in his children, but there was no changing the fact that children could be brutally honest. Alfie was no exception. When they emerged from the chicken run, Ellie got Alfie to help her lock it, then she took him to swill his trainers under the tap.
Unlike her brother, Mabel had stuck close to Jasper’s side, holding his hand and leaning against him. She was a friendly child, but she had quiet moments when he worried about how serious she could be. Her mum had been the same and had times when she’d seemed lost in her thoughts, but it had been something Jasper was used to. It had meant that Kimberley was mulling something over, whether work or life related, and he knew she’d work it through, then speak to him about it. With such a responsible job, she had reason to need quiet times, and he’d never pressured her to tell him what was on her mind but waited until she was ready. It was one reason why they had worked so well; they understood each other. But as far as Mabel was concerned, she was very young. Jasper worried she could be missing her mum and afraid of losing him too, so he did his best to encourage her to speak to him so he could allay any fears she might have. Of course, the hardest thing about that was that he could never reassure her enough. How could he promise he’d always be there for her when her mum had been ripped away from her so suddenly? The reality of losing a parent the way his children had was that they knew all too well that when someone died, they wouldn’t be coming back. Alfie had been younger and so he had limited memories of his mum, but Mabel remembered more about what it had been like to have Kimberley around. Some days, Jasper struggled to navigate the difficult situation, and felt overwhelmed, but he made an effort to stay calm and composed for the sake of the children, portraying a serene facade despite the chaos within.
Suddenly, it hit Jasper how lonely he was. Not having another adult around was hard, and now that he seemed to be emerging from the fog that had enveloped him for the past three years, the loneliness was suddenly very raw. How long had it been since another adult had hugged him? His parents didn’t count, although he knew they’d been trying to give him space because they tended to suffocate him with their worrying sometimes.
Alfie shook his trainers off, then ran over and hugged Jasper’s legs while babbling on about how much fun he’d had, and Jasper pushed his thoughts aside.
‘Thanks so much for that,’ he said to Ellie.
‘It was my pleasure.’ She reached up and pushed a few strands of long black hair that had escaped the claw clip behind her ears. ‘You can come and help me feed the hens whenever you like.’
‘Thank you, Ellie.’ Alfie grinned at her. ‘Are we going home now to see Wiggy?’
‘In a bit, yes.’ Jasper nodded.
‘Right, I’d better get back inside.’ Ellie picked up the bowl that had contained the greens and berries and tucked it under her arm. She’d swilled it out under the tap after she’d helped Alfie with his shoes.
‘See you soon.’ Jasper said. ‘Probably in the week.’
‘Yes. You most likely will!’ She gave a small wave then turned and opened the back door of the café before disappearing inside.
‘Daddy, can we walk around the gardens before we go home, please?’ Mabel asked.
‘Of course we can.’
While the children skipped around the gardens, Jasper took advantage of the opportunity to clear his head. The Garden Café was nestled in beautiful gardens not far from the cliffs overlooking the stunning sandy cove. When you walked to the highest point of the gardens, you could see over the hedge and gaze at the shimmering expanse of sea and rocky outcrops, and watch boats bobbing on the horizon. With spring came bursts of colour from the tulips, crocuses, primroses, and daffodils, the varying purples of the different types of lavender, and buds on trees and rosebushes. Herbs grew in raised beds, and Jasper couldn’t resist running his hands over the rosemary bushes and inhaling their sharp, refreshing scent. All around the gardens, trees unfurled their fresh green leaves and there was a sense of hope and renewal in the air. As Jasper walked, he could feel it in his bones, and again he had that sense of awakening after a long, cold winter. There was life in him yet and maybe, just maybe, there was the possibility of finding a connection with another person again. Maybe he could find love again. Or was one love enough for a lifetime? He was still young and his children were young and he could choose to spend the rest of his life alone or he could embrace this spring and give himself permission to open his heart.
He took a deep cleansing breath, then called his children. ‘Come on, you two, I have something I need to do.’
‘What is it, Daddy?’ Mabel asked, taking his right hand while Alfie took the left.
‘Let’s head down to the beach and I’ll show you.’
T wenty minutes later, after giving Alfie a piggyback and holding tight to Mabel’s hand, Jasper was walking across the sand of the beach. He set Alfie down and looked out at the sea. In the spring sunlight, the water looked bright blue and rather cold. But he had made up his mind, and he was going to go for it.
He crouched down and took his children’s hands. ‘Do you two know how much I love you?’
‘Yes, Daddy.’ Mabel said.
‘Yes!’ Alfie giggled, wondering at this new game.
‘You are my world. I always want you to remember that. Your mum was a wonderful person and she loved you both very much. You were everything to her.’
‘What’s wrong, Daddy?’ Mabel’s eyes filled with apprehension.
‘Well, you know how I’m always pretty sensible and calm and… Daddy-like?’
They both nodded.
‘Sometimes, I want to do something a bit … different.’
‘Like what?’ Alfie asked, eyes wide.
‘A friend of mine told me recently that she went for a dip in the sea one day. She didn’t have her swimming costume, so she just went in anyway.’
‘That’s funny, Daddy!’ Mabel laughed.
‘You guys fancy a paddle?’ he asked.
‘It will be cold.’ Mabel shivered. ‘It was freezing when we walked Wiggy earlier.’
‘I do!’ Alfie was always up for doing something daring.
‘Oh me too, then.’ Not to be outdone by her brother, Mabel removed her trainers and socks and rolled up her trousers.
They put their trainers and socks in a pile, then Jasper sucked in a breath and removed his jacket, jumper and T-shirt.
‘What are you doing?’ Mabel shrieked. ‘You don’t need to undress to paddle.’
‘I’m going to have a quick dip in the water.’ Jasper’s skin pebbled with goosebumps. It might be spring but it was still incredibly fresh. He looked down at his jeans and realised he couldn’t get them wet, so he whipped them off too and stood there in his boxers (that were luckily black and baggy) then he turned to the water again. ‘OK. Now don’t worry because I’m not going mad, but I need to have a quick dip in the sea. You two wait at the shoreline for me and I’ll be super fast.’
They jogged down to the water, both children chuckling at the craziness of the moment.
‘I’ll be in and out.’ Jasper kissed them both on the head, then let go of their hands. He noticed with a tugging at his heartstrings how Mabel took hold of her brother’s hand and stood with him. ‘Here goes!’
He gritted his teeth, submerging himself to his waist. The shock of the cold bit into his skin and his breath caught in his throat, but there was no going back now. He had to keep going forwards. It was, he thought, like a metaphor for life. You couldn’t turn back time or change the past. Instead, you had to keep going, even if sometimes reluctantly.
‘Go on, Daddy! You can do it!’ He turned and saw Mabel waving her free hand above her head like a cheerleader with an invisible pompom.
‘Go on, Daddy!’ Alfie echoed his sister’s encouragement.
‘OK!’ He blew them kisses. ‘Here goes!’
He sucked in a breath, then plunged beneath the water. Cold enveloped him and water filled his ears, covered his head, embraced him like an ardent lover. He opened his eyes and peered out at his surroundings, seeing endless blue-green, the sand beneath his feet and some seaweed floating past. It was quiet, all sound muffled, and he took a moment to savour the peace but then his lungs needed emptying, so he rose to the surface and burst from the water.
The first thing he saw was his children waiting on the shore and then, over near the cliffs, another figure. Gazing his way. He blinked to clear the salt water from his eyes, but it stung so he rubbed them. When he could see again, he looked over to the cliffs, but the figure was gone as if she’d disappeared into thin air.
Which she had.
If she’d ever been there at all.
He turned back to his children and waded out of the water to them, then he took their hands and squeezed them.
‘How was it?’ Mabel asked.
‘F-freezing!’ He laughed then looked down at himself. ‘I don’t suppose either of you has a towel in your pocket, do you?’
‘I have a packet of tissues.’ Mabel said, offering it to him.
‘Thanks.’ He accepted the packet and when they got to their belongings, he pulled a tissue out and started trying to pat himself dry.
While Mabel and Alfie put their trainers on, Jasper’s eyes strayed to the cliffs again. When he’d emerged from the water, he’d been sure he’d seen her. Kimberley . Smiling and waving and looking exactly as she had that last day when she’d left for work. Was it simply muscle memory? His brain trying to make sense of what had happened and what he’d lost? Was it the cleansing effect of the icy water on his skin as it washed away the past, renewing him from the outside in? Or had Kimberley come to show him she approved of what he was doing, of the fact that he was finally allowing himself to heal and to let go of the guilt. He knew deep down that she would never want him to feel guilty about her death, but being left behind when she’d been taken away and in such a horrid manner had left him feeling more guilt than he could process. And so it had been something he’d needed to work through, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. That was all people could do with grief because the thought of how they’d manage without a loved one for the rest of their days was enough to break their heart and minds.
One day at a time … His mum had said the words to him and so had Pearl. There was much wisdom in that approach to getting through the grieving process.
He slid his left leg into his jeans, then his right, pulling them up; his face contorting into a grimace as they clung to his wet boxers. When they got home he’d have a hot shower and put some warm clothes on. He didn’t even mind the discomfort for now because his dip in the sea had done exactly what he’d wanted. As soon as Pearl had told him she’d done it, he’d known he needed to do it too and now he did feel different. Refreshed. Renewed. Ready to make some changes. And he hoped seeing him do it would be good for his children. They needed to know that he was human too, not invincible, not without emotion, not set in his ways. He was their dependable Daddy, yes, but he could also be fun. And occasionally unpredictable. Had Pearl had other motives for telling him the story then? Had she known that he would copy what she had done and experience the same sense of renewal?
After he had put on all his clothes, he took hold of his children’s hands.
‘I don’t know about you two, but I feel hungry again.’
‘Probably all the calories you burnt off in the cold water, Daddy,’ Mabel said, sounding like a teenager and not the child she was. There was no doubt that she was her mother’s daughter, no doubt at all.
‘I’m hungry!’ Alfie said. ‘Can we have chips?’
‘Chips, eh?’ Jasper thought about freshly cooked chips covered in salt and vinegar. ‘Chips it is! Let’s go get some.’
Mabel and Alfie cheered, then they walked up from the beach and into the village. Jasper looked around him, seeing everything as if for the first time. He had been to the depths of despair, but now, hopefully, he could rise again.