Chapter 9
Jack
Iwake up with a stiff neck, a sore back, and a dark cloud still hanging over me.
I thought a night away would do me good, but it hasn’t, all it’s done is given me time and space to think. And whereas I hoped it would lead to some revelation about how Paisley Harrison is bad for me, how the last ten years pining after her were a waste of time and that I was right not to reach out, not to tell her the truth, to keep it from her, and that I’ll be better off once she’s left town again, it’s done none of that at all.
Instead, I spent the night in a tent, listening to the sounds of nature, the breeze sweeping through the trees, the lake lapping at the shore – and the amorous sounds of lovemaking from whoever Jay and Kitty Kat might be. They’re not exactly quiet. I’ve always come here when I needed to think, to calm down, to decompress, and unwind. It hasn’t worked this time.
****
How have I ‘just missed’ her at every stop today? And why isn’t she answering her damn phone?
I got home just before ten, dumped my stuff in the hall, had every intention of quickly checking on Mrs Jenkins next door, and then heading over to see Paisley. It was all planned, apology, truth, confession, and hopefully come away with my heart still intact. But my neighbour had been pulling open her door before I even made it up her path. Had told me how beautiful Paisley is in the flesh, like I didn’t already know, and after a minute of trying to get her to focus, she’d told me Paisley had been looking for me.
And now, early evening, despite us both having been looking for each other all day, we’ve not managed to catch up. It’s been the same story everywhere. She wasn’t at home, Flora and Elliott not having seen her since early that morning, she wasn’t at the coffee shop she’s been to every morning since she got back, or the corner shop, or the local pub. It was the same story at the restaurant on the green, the supermarket on the edge of town, even on the high street, she was nowhere to be seen.
I don’t know what made me think it would be any different standing here on my grandmother’s front porch, yet here I am.
“She was just here sweetheart, you missed her by about five minutes,” Gran says, giving my arm a squeeze.
It’s only now it dawns on me that if she’d just stood still, if she’d not have been so intent on finding me, I’d have caught up with her.
Intent on finding me. Of all the things I’ve thought about all day, I’ve been trying not to think why she wants to see me. Because it can’t be good. She was angry yesterday, upset. I can’t see that will have changed overnight. The most I can probably hope for is a truce for the sake of Flora and Elliott’s wedding. Which is what I’ve presumed she wants to see me for, to lay down the law for tomorrow, that we’ll be civilised, get through it.
And I can do that. For her, I’d do anything. But first, she’s got to hear what I’ve got to say. She’s got to hear the truth. Finally.
“Jack,” Gran says, her hand laid on my arm tenderly.
“Huh?”
“Head home, I’m sure if she’s looking for you, she’ll circle back there eventually.”
“How did she seem? Angry?”
Gran thinks for a moment. “Actually, no. More … worried, concerned. A little like you look right now.”
“I need to find her. She’s … I can’t keep this from her anymore.”
“I still don’t understand why you ever did. Jack, she loved you, you loved her, and you let that go.”
“You know why, I couldn’t do it to her, to her family.”
“So, what’s changed? Because I know you’ve never stopped loving her, nobody else ever stood a chance.”
“Because I can’t spend the rest of my life watching her get on with hers. Elliott and Flora falling in love and getting married, it was unexpected. While they were only dating, though, it didn’t feel like such an issue. Paisley was hundreds of miles away, I could stick my head in the sand, pretend she wasn’t doing perfectly fine without me. But when they’re married, Paisley will be in my life more, I know it, even if she’s not actually here. Spending time with Elliot will mean more time with Flora, they’ll mention her, I’ll know all about what’s going on, who she’s dating, when she falls in love and gets married, has kids with a man who isn’t me. And I can’t, Gran, I can’t watch her do that. Not without telling her everything first, finding out if she can forgive me, whether there’s a chance for us.”
“Then go get your girl.”
I kiss Gran quickly on the cheek and hurry back to my car, already calling Paisley’s phone again. No answer, another message left, I phone Flora, and when she still hasn’t heard from her, I can only do one of two things. Keep searching, or take Gran’s advice and head home. I’ve exhausted every option for places to look, and so I drive slowly home, keeping my head on a swivel as I take the long way round, through town, along the high street, past the park. But she’s still nowhere to be seen.
Once home, I keep my phone close, grab a drink, and wait. And wait.
And wait.