Starstruck (Heartstrings Duet #1)

47. blood on my hands

[ 47 ]

BLOOD ON MY HANDS

BAXTER

“SORROWING MAN” BY CITY AND COLOUR

A muffled gasp escapes Lennon’s lips.

“Y-you lied to me,” she whispers, her voice scratchy. I can tell she’s fighting the tears that threaten to fall, and it takes absolutely everything in me not to rush over and pull her into my arms.

All I want is to be the one to protect her, and instead, I’m the one she needs protecting from .

Say something, idiot. Tell her the truth.

“Lennon…” I rasp, letting my voice trail off.

I should be trying to explain myself, telling her why I’ve kept this secret for so long. That I haven’t had a relationship with Logan since my mother’s death, and I didn’t think dredging up the past I’ve tried so hard to forget would do either of us any good. Trying to convince her I’m not the bad guy she suddenly believes me to be.

But instead, the only thing I can possibly think of is the three little words I’ve been dying to say for weeks. Except I know if I say them now, it won’t be right. She’ll think I’m saying them just to get her to stay, and while that’s partially true, I need her to know they’re so much more than that.

She stands there frozen, staring at me like I’m someone she doesn’t recognize instead of the man she’s bared her heart and soul to in the past few months. That look on her face rips my heart in two.

I gulp. “I didn’t lie to you, Lennon. I just…didn’t tell you.”

“That’s the same fucking thing, Baxter!” she shouts, her voice cracking as she says my name and tears spilling over her waterline. “A lie by omission is still a lie .”

She’s right. And I should’ve told her from the beginning. I knew this day would come eventually, and I thought I had prepared myself for it. But just like I’ve struggled to find the words for months, I don’t know what I can say to her to make her understand. I’ve never felt the need to explain myself before, so I have no fucking idea what to do here.

“Trouble—”

“ Don’t !” she grits out. “Don’t you fucking dare call me that. I am not your Trouble. Not anymore.”

My jaw works as I fight the words dying to fall from my lips.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?!” she cries, and my heart splits wide open.

“I didn’t…I couldn’t—” I stammer, but she cuts me off before I can say anything more, which is probably for the best.

She shakes her head, looking me up and down. “I don’t even know who you are right now.”

Fuck .

“I’m so sorry, Lennon,” is all I’m able to get out, my voice cracking. It’s not enough, but at least it’s honest.

“Yeah,” she whispers, defeated. “Me, too.” She turns to the couch, collecting her bag. She doesn’t bother to touch the guitar I bought for her, instead leaving it in the open case on the floor next to mine. “I guess I was right when I said you were going to break my heart,” she spits as she turns around to look at me, and my heart cracks.

She has every right to be furious with me. But what she doesn’t know is my heart is breaking just as much. Because when I told her I would never let anything hurt her again, I should’ve included myself in that. I’ve fucked up more times in my life than I can count, but this moment right here is the worst.

Swinging her bag over her shoulder, she says, “We’re through, Baxter. Whatever this was”—she motions between us, tears streaming down her face—“it’s done. It was always going to end, anyway. I just didn’t expect it to end like this.”

“Lennon, please—” I start, but when she looks at me again, her expression causes me to falter. I’ve been an unwilling participant in more fist-fights than I can count, and I have the scars covering my knuckles to prove it. Yet here I stand, in front of the woman who came out of nowhere and stole my goddamn heart, and I want to fight for her. I just can’t find the words to do it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

“Bye, Baxter,” Lennon tells me as she moves toward the door. “Have a nice life.”

I flinch when the door slams shut behind her, my fists balled as I fight chasing after her. But I know it wouldn’t do any good. I just made the biggest mistake of my life, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

So I do nothing but stand there, frozen in time as I watch her leave, taking both my heart and my soul with her.