Starstruck (Heartstrings Duet #1)

54. knife in my heart

[ 54 ]

KNIFE IN MY HEART

LENNON

“TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU” BY NICKELBACK

E ven with how well things have gone today, I spent the whole day trying my best to avoid Baxter all while anxiously awaiting this moment. I was almost successful, too, until my meddling best friend decided to do what she does best and forced us to sing a song together.

Okay, she didn’t force me to do anything. But she knew bringing him out onstage without telling me would stun me enough to make me agreeable. She knew there was no way I would say no in front of a crowd of sixteen thousand people while seeing the love of my goddamn life for the first time in two weeks.

And she was right.

Performing with Baxter was the last thing I ever expected to do today. There’s no way in hell I would have agreed to that if she’d told me earlier, which explains why she kept it a secret.

As addicting as it was to be onstage with him, singing a song he wrote about me while the audience watched, I wasn’t lying when I told him it doesn’t change anything .

I wish I could forgive him that easily, but the pain he’s caused runs so much deeper than one song can fix.

I’m not saying it’s impossible. But I need him to tell me the truth about why he kept Logan a secret if he ever wants a chance at my forgiveness. And that’s not a conversation I’m ready to have, especially not here.

I want to be mad at Isa, but I know she’s just trying to help. I can’t blame her for trying to fix things between us when she’s seen first-hand how miserable I’ve been over the past few weeks. Still though, I’m going to need to talk to her about keeping this from me.

I’m so damn sick of secrets.

I force my mind clear as I exhale. The crowd cheers as the lights go up, and I head onstage to announce the final performance of the day—the one I’ve been dreading the most.

I go through the same words I’ve repeated for every other act of the day, and when I say his name, the cheers get even louder. He makes his way onstage, Levi and Colt trailing behind him, while I force my feet forward. I just need to get through his show, and then the day will be done.

“Hey, everyone, thanks for coming out,” Baxter says as he approaches the microphone. He strums his fingers over his guitar strings as Levi and Colt get into position. “I’m going to start off the show with one I’m sure you all know.” He smirks and the opening chords for “Red Light” begin to play.

Isa comes up behind me, a sheepish smile on her face. “Hi, Lenny,” is all she says as she takes her place next to me.

I glance at her sidelong before turning to head deeper backstage. “I’m mad at you.”

She grabs my arm to stop me in my tracks. “I’m sorry! I know I should’ve told you my plan, but I knew you would say no.”

I spin around to face her. “And for good reason. He broke my heart, Is. Performing a song with him didn’t magically glue it back together. ”

“Lenny, I mean this as nicely as possible, but you need to talk to him. Colt filled me in on some of Baxter’s history with Logan, and he had a good reason for keeping it from you. I’m not saying it makes what happened okay, but you really should hear him out.”

“You sure have been talking to Colt a lot lately,” I mutter, unsure of what to say about the rest of her words. I don’t know if I’m ready to hear what he has to say yet.

“Yeah. I have,” is all Isa says in response. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Come on,” I sigh, linking my arm through hers. “We can talk about all this later. For now, let’s just go watch the show.”

Baxter’s performance is unlike any I’ve seen before. The passion, the fire burning inside of him, has every person in the crowd completely hooked throughout his whole show. We decided to watch from the VIP section, since I didn’t get to watch anyone else from here, and despite how hurt I still am, it was the smartest decision I’ve had all day.

Every so often, his eyes catch on mine as he sings, and just like when we were onstage, everything else around me fades away for those few seconds. Whatever this pull is between us, it’s becoming clearer and clearer by the minute that no matter how hard I fight it or how muddled it is with the pain he’s caused, my love for Baxter isn’t going away.

Maybe Isa is right—maybe I should hear him out. If she’s saying he has a good excuse after hearing just a small part of his backstory, then I want to believe it. And since that day in his living room, I haven’t given him any chances to explain.

I barely gave him a chance to explain then.

Part of me wonders if I hadn’t reacted so rashly to the news, if I had taken a moment to breathe and let him speak, maybe we could’ve avoided these last two weeks of missing each other.

But then the other part of me wonders, if I let him explain everything to me now, will he mean it? Or is this just some elaborate ruse to get me to forgive him? I trusted him once and he betrayed that… It makes me nervous to think about what could happen if I trust him again.

I let out a sigh as I sway to the music, Isa and Sadie on one side of me and Paige and Trevor on the other. Dylan and Emma left partway through Isa’s show to get the kids home.

“Alright, Toronto. I have two more songs for you guys tonight. This next one has never been heard before. How’s that sound?”

The crowd cheers and chants and whistles in response. You’d think after a hot day in the sun listening to twelve hours of music, people would be exhausted. But surprisingly, this might be the loudest they’ve been all day.

He finds my gaze in the dusk as he adds, “I hope you enjoy—here’s ‘Trouble.’”

My jaw falls open as the title of the song falls from his lips, the intro music beginning. I stand there, frozen in disbelief, just listening to the lyrics, trying to figure out when the hell he wrote this song.

As the first chorus hits, Paige, Sadie, and Isa all look at me.

“Is this about you?” Paige asks, her brows furrowed.

I do nothing but nod as I keep my eyes trained on the stage, on the man who won’t tear his eyes from me either.

She’s got eyes like the devil, she’ll swallow you whole.

She’s a dangerous temptation with a break in her soul.

She plays with fire, wrapped in leather and lace.

Just a look and he knew, they were one heart misplaced.

The song continues, and with each word, I become increasingly convinced that maybe this really has been a game to him. He was using me— us —as inspiration. He wrote me a damn love song, which had to have been written sometime in these past few weeks once he realized how badly he fucked up in losing me, and now he’s singing it at my benefit concert in front of sixteen thousand people as a ploy to pull me back in.

That has to be what this is.

“I have to go,” I say to my sister and best friends. They call after me, but I don’t stop as I make my way out of the VIP section and head toward backstage.

Finding Jeremy immediately, I rush over to where he stands with his husband, Kevin, who also happens to be Baxter’s manager.

“Lennon!” Jeremy begins, but I interrupt him.

“Jere, I need you to close the show for me once Baxter’s done. Please.”

His face falls as his brows pull together. Noticing the panicked look in my eyes, he simply nods.

“Sure, no problem. But is everything okay? You don’t look too well.”

I glance from him to Kevin, who has an apologetic look on his face.

“No. No, I need to go. Just please thank everyone for coming out, and tell them I’m sorry. I’ll see you on Monday.”

Jeremy nods. “Sure, Lennon. Drive home safe, okay?”

I tilt my head down before heading to the green room to collect my things. Grabbing my purse and leather jacket, I say goodbye to the few performers still hanging out back there, and then I head out to the parking lot.

Once I’m safely inside my car, I give in to the tears that are fighting to fall.

Then I go home.