Starstruck (Heartstrings Duet #1)

57. show you everything

[ 57 ]

SHOW YOU EVERYTHING

LENNON

Present Day

August

“WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN” BY CREED

I wipe the tears from my eyes as Baxter finishes recalling the day of his father’s trial almost eleven years ago.

My heart aches for him. He was still so young, and suddenly, he had no family left. At least when my parents died, I still had my siblings, even if I kept them at a distance.

Baxter had no one.

“He pled not guilty?” I ask, my voice cracking.

All he does is nod.

Fuck . Then he watched Logan do the same. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for him.

“I’m so, so sorry,” I tell him softly, unsure of what else to say.

I am sorry. No one should ever have to face what he’s faced, and no one should have to do it alone.

“Did your father get out on parole?”

He shakes his head. “No. Four years in, he got into an altercation with some other prisoners and stabbed one of them with a homemade shank. The other guy died, and my father’ s sentence was extended to twenty years. No chance for parole.”

I exhale a shaky breath, nodding.

If nothing else, at least his father is still being punished for his crimes. And now his brother is stuck there, too.

“Good.”

He jerks his head in a nod, looking to the floor. He takes my hand in his as he looks up at me, his eyes watery.

“I cut Logan off that day, Lennon. I was already going by ‘James’ as my stage last name, so I changed it legally to separate myself from them. I was still new, and it’s not like my family was famous for anything, so it was easy to sweep my past under the rug. No one knew except for those who had to.”

I nod. It explains why the news of his connection to Logan was such a shock to everyone.

It’s clear that his trauma from losing his mother so suddenly and then the events of that day are things he’s never dealt with. It’s something he’s kept hidden from the world for so long, and therefore something he hasn’t known how to confront.

Maybe he should’ve known better. Maybe he should’ve gone to therapy to deal with the aftermath of everything. Maybe he should’ve opened up to someone sooner and learned how to share parts of himself he’s never let the world see.

But I can’t fault him for not doing so. At twenty years old, with no one but a bunch of strangers cheering him on, why would he have thought he didn’t have things under control? If I were in his shoes, I’m sure I would’ve felt the same.

You think you can do it all when you’re that age. And even when you do have people in your ear telling you what you should or shouldn’t do, you’re unlikely to listen. I know that from experience. So it’s not surprising that Baxter kept this part of himself hidden from the world that took him in when he had nothing else left.

It’s not surprising that he kept it hidden from me .

“I’d forgotten Logan existed to the best of my ability,” he tells me, desperation written across his face. “When I saw him sitting in the same place my dad sat all those years ago, I immediately felt like one of the worst days of my life was happening all over again. I didn’t have words for how seeing him up there made me feel. Part of me always expected it, but part of me also thought he was dead—because to me, he was. I wasn’t prepared for my brother to have been the cause of all your pain. Him pleading not guilty only reconfirmed how much like our father he truly is.”

I swallow, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. His eyes track the movement, and he brings up his hand, pulling it free with his thumb as he lets out a sigh.

“If I could go back and tell you from day one, I would. If I could go back and stop Logan earlier, hell, I would . But I can’t. And when I saw you in that bar, as much as I knew I should share my connection to Logan with you, I didn’t think it would do any good. Because we’ve been estranged for years, we no longer share a last name—for all intents and purposes, he isn’t my brother anymore. To me, my brother died the same day my mom did. So I didn’t think it was important at the time, especially because we had promised one night.

“But then one night morphed into this arrangement, and with each day that passed, I fell harder for you. I fell for you so fast and so unexpectedly , I was absolutely terrified that the moment I told you, I would lose you. I kept telling myself to open up to you, and Colt and Levi did the same, but I didn’t want to give you any reason to end our arrangement early. I was selfish, Lennon. I’m always selfish when it comes to you.”

I roll my lips together as his words settle in the room. Part of me wonders what would’ve happened if he told me from the beginning. If he had been the one to tell me that day.

I’d like to believe that if I’d known from the beginning, it would’ve still led us here. But I know that’s not true. I know if he had told me then that his brother killed my parents, I would’ve walked away and not looked back. Which some people may think would’ve been smart.

But despite the pain I’ve felt these past few weeks, I can’t bring myself to regret any of this. When I met Baxter, my world was falling apart. What I didn’t know at the time was that his fell apart long ago.

It may not have been handled in the best way, but knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t change things. It’s been messy, but I’ve been healing. And I think he’s finally started to, too.

He pushes himself away from the couch, pacing the floor behind me. I turn around to watch him as he runs a hand through his hair. When he stops and looks at me, there’s a war waging in his ocean eyes.

“I’m not used to this,” he whispers, motioning between us. “I’m thirty-one years old and have never been in a real fucking relationship. I wasn’t raised in a happy family, and I didn’t have a good example of love. I didn’t know how to talk about the important things, because I’ve never had to before. It’s not meant to be an excuse, because I know I should’ve done better…tried harder . But it’s the goddamn truth.

“I didn’t see you coming, Lennon. For months, you’ve been reminding me that we’re temporary, and I was all for it in the beginning. But somewhere along the way, I began wishing for more with you. It terrified me, because I’ve never believed in love and relationships and I don’t open up to people. But you came along, and while you were insistent that after tonight, we would be over, I was secretly hoping that some part of you would begin to feel the same way as I do.”

He pauses, and I take a step toward him, giving into the pull I feel between us and grasping his hands in mine.

“I started telling myself that no matter what happened, at the end of our arrangement, I would tell you all about Logan and then let you make the decisions. But after the trial a few weeks ago, Logan called to tell me he was going public with his identity—start telling people that he’s related to me. He wanted to drag me down with him, because in his mind, I abandoned him. And I did, in a way. So he wanted to ruin me the same way our father ruined him. And he knew the best way to do that was to tell the world that I’m related to the reason Thorned Roses is dead.”

I flinch slightly as he says the last sentence, unprepared for the reminder of what led us here.

He places his hand on my cheek, an apologetic look written on his face.

Despite everything, one thing has always remained true: Baxter never meant to hurt me. And I think right now, him knowing he did is killing him more than it ever could me.

Exhaling deeply, he continues. “If you’d asked me months ago, the thought of the world finding out about Logan would’ve terrified me, because information like that could destroy my career. But instead, the only thing that terrified me was the thought of you finding out from anyone other than me, Lennon. I was going to tell you that day in my living room, because I wanted to be the one to tell you the truth, even though I knew it meant I could lose you. I wanted to let you know every part of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn’t want to keep secrets anymore. But you saw the news before I could say anything, and for that, you will never know how sorry I am.”

“I know,” I murmur with a nod.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. I know this is all new for him the same way it is for me. I may have been in a years-long relationship, but I can say with certainty that not a single day I spent with Nathan was half as passionate as those spent with Baxter.

And as angry as I’ve been, I understand why this was hard for him to share. He won’t admit it, but I think part of him kept putting it off because despite all the evidence suggesting otherwise, he still didn’t want to admit his brother had turned into their father, the one person I now know he hates most in this world.

Sighing, he pulls his hand away from my face and puts his arms out at his side. Huffing a sad laugh, he waves down at himself. “Look at me, Lenny girl. I’m a fucking mess. I’ve been miserable without you. And I know I hurt you. I told you once that as long as you were with me, nothing would ever hurt you again. But then I went ahead and became the reason for your hurt. I hate myself so damn much for that, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”

I swallow roughly as I stare into his midnight eyes. He takes a step toward me, cupping my face in his hands as the tears fall faster. I bring my hands up to grasp his wrists, my heart aching as he says, “And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness either, but I’m asking you for it anyway. I can’t promise that I’ll never make another mistake, but I can promise that I will never, ever hurt you again. Because you, my Trouble, are the love of my goddamn life, and I’m so fucking lost without you.”

I keep my hands wrapped tight around his wrists as the weight of his words settles around me.

I told myself after my parents died that I wouldn’t open my heart to anybody again. Because loving means losing, and I can’t bear to lose anybody else. But is that really any way to go through life?

I know my parents wouldn’t want that for me. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that they would tell me to let him in entirely—to let him show me what it means to be loved and cared for the way they always showed me I should be growing up. The way they loved and cared for each other.

“Say something, Lennon. Please,” he begs, pulling me from my thoughts.

My eyes flutter shut. “You promised…” is all I say. Looking back up into his eyes, I add, “You said you wouldn’t fall in love with me.”

He tilts his head down slightly, running his thumb under my eye. “I guess I lied about two things then, pretty girl,” he rasps. “I’ve been falling in love with you since I met you.”

I swallow, catching my bottom lip between my teeth. Tilting my head in a nod, a whisper breaks free.

“So have I.”