Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
Tonight is the last game of the regular season. Ryan’s at the arena, supporting the team from the box seats, while I chose to cheer cozied up on the couch. By the third period, it’s too painful to watch us lose so epically, so I switch the TV off.
Might as well do something productive, like change the sheets. The unfolded pile of laundry is mocking me from the other side of the couch, probably still warm from when I pulled it out of the dryer during intermission. Is it just me, or is changing linens the most annoying household task?
As I’m struggling with the duvet cover—my least favorite part—the movement causes the contents of my nightstand to spill onto the floor. I kneel to gather everything, annoyed with myself, when I notice the last paper plane Ryan left me is crunched beneath a water bottle. I curse under my breath for not putting it with the others for safekeeping.
He left this one before the week-long road series that ended with his injury. Carefully, I try to reshape it, unfolding a few of the creases. That’s when I catch a glimpse of Ryan’s messy handwriting. I unfold it completely and am speechless as I take in the words.
Leaving you in bed, even just to go downstairs, is hard. It’s going to be even harder to sleep away from you for the next 6 days on this road series. I already can’t wait to come home to you.
I can practically hear his voice as I trace the messy handwriting with my fingers. Home is no longer just a place. It’s him .
Curiosity gets the best of me, and I pull out the box from my closet where I’ve kept all the paper planes Ryan’s made for me over the years. There’s more than a dozen, each carefully folded and tucked away. I’d written the dates on the wings to keep track of them, and as I unfold the first one, I find matching dates inside, along with the messages he left me.
[ August, six years ago ]
I don’t know your name yet, but you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
[ September, six years ago ]
I watched you lick ice cream off your lip today and wanted nothing more than to be the one to clean that spot with my tongue. If you only knew how often I thought about kissing you…
[ October, six years ago ]
Nicknames
Hannah Banana: because it rhymes, obviously.
Clarkson: as much as you love to sing along to the radio, you’re adorably tone-deaf.
Sunshine: you’re from the Sunshine State… and you light me up, ha! I know, cheesy… but true.
Every note feels like a snapshot of our journey together—small reminders of the years we’ve shared. Each message is so Ryan, and I can’t help but smile as I read through them. It’s funny to see them now, with my new perspective, knowing how much he felt even back then. Sometimes I wish I had known. If things might have ended up differently. But I’m here now, and I’m glad for it.
I quickly stand, searching for a sheet of paper as an idea forms in my mind. Without hesitation, I begin to execute it, folding the paper carefully before I return to read the rest of the letters.
[ October, six years ago ]
You made an adorable Robin to my Batman. But you also met him tonight, and I already have a feeling I’m going to regret it for a while.
Thinking back on that night, it all seems so obvious. Everything I didn’t see then now feels glaringly clear. How could I have missed it? The dynamic between Ryan and me shifted after that night. If I had known about his feelings back then, would I have even been open to Jace? I know I wouldn’t have been.
I’d had a crush on Ryan since the moment he flew the first paper plane to me in calculus class, but he kept his feelings so guarded, and his dedication to hockey seemed like his only focus. I never imagined he’d return my crush. In fact, I thought he introduced me to Jace as a way to let me down easy. I shake my head, pushing that thought aside. It all worked out in the end, I remind myself.
Everything happened the way it was meant to, even if it took us a while to get here. Now that we’ve found our way to each other, I know it’s where we’ll stay. With each other. Together. A smile pulls at my lips, warmth flooding through me at the thought.
[ July, five years ago ]
I wasn’t drafted… but he was. The only thing that made it better was you showing up with a bottle of tequila and your smiling face. You told me it’ll all work out, and I want to believe it’s true.
[ February, four years ago ]
It happened, Sunshine! And best of all, I get to stay here in Chicago with you.
[ May, four years ago ]
You’re leaving today for Texas, and I hate it. But I want you to be happy. I hope you’re happy.
[ March, three years ago ]
I’m mailing you this paper plane because I can’t get on a real one to come see you. This whole living in different states kind of sucks.
[ September, two years ago ]
Happy Birthday, Sunshine! Did you know nineteen is my favorite number? It’s the day you came into this world and into my life… I mean, it’s gotta be fate, right? Hopefully, it’ll continue to give me good luck this upcoming season, wearing it on my back.
[ June, ten months ago ]
I sent flowers and a polite card congratulating you and Knolls on your engagement. I ripped up two of those little cardstocks before I finally managed to write something. I want you to be happy, and if it’s with him, I’ll accept it, but fuck, does it hurt.
[ February, two months ago ]
Confession: I bought this brownstone for you. It feels safe to tell you now, since I know you never read these. Remember that weekend we pretended to be a married couple and went to an open house? This place reminds me of that. Maybe one day, we won’t just be pretending.
A sob shudders out of my chest. This man.
“Shit.” I recognize Ryan’s voice, but his figure, frozen mid-step in the doorway, is blurred by the moisture in my eyes.
He makes his way toward me, carefully moving the letters out of the way to clear a spot on the floor in front of me. Kneeling, he takes my face gently in his large hands, wiping away the tears escaping from my eyes.
As my vision clears, I can see the humor in his expression. “I take it you finally read them…” he teases, his voice light.
Another sob escapes me as I nod rapidly, his deep chuckle filling my ears. He sits back, spreading his legs out in front of him, just watching me with a soft smile as I continue to be an emotional wreck.
“I’m glad you find this funny,” I say through hitched breaths. “When were you going to tell me?”
“Hmm, maybe never.” He grins. “I liked the idea that you had all my inner thoughts at your fingertips. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure you kept them until you mentioned them while packing.”
“Well, I did.” I wipe my eyes.
“I see that.” He looks at the scattered letters around us.
I can’t stand the inches separating us any longer, so I fold myself into his lap, wrapping my arm around his waist and resting my head on his good shoulder. The steady beat of his heart beneath my palm slowly calms my frantic one.
He gently pushes my hair out of my face and presses a soft kiss to my temple.
“I have something to tell you. It might help stop the waterworks,” he jokes. “Or maybe it’ll start them up again, I’m not sure.”
I pull back to meet his eyes. “I think I’m all cried out. Let’s hear it.”
“The Saints sent an offer. We can stay here, in Chicago.”
“Is it better than the one from New Jersey?”
“Salary wise, no. Contract length, yes.”
“So, what’re we going to do?”
Although I’ve fallen in love with Chicago all over again, I’ve fallen so much harder for Ryan. I’m confident I can be successful with my rescue anywhere, and I understand the reality of dating a hockey player. We’re at the mercy of the teams that want Ryan on their roster. If he thinks a move is better for his career, I’ll be right there with him. No question.
“We?” He raises a brow.
I reach up and cup his face in my hands, giving him a reassuring smile. “I already told you, where you go, I go.”
He pulls me in for a deep kiss, only retreating to speak softly against my lips. “I want us to make decisions together. I never want you to feel like you’re being dragged along, like you did with him. What you need is just as important as what I need. And I want to stay in Chicago, if you do, too? This is where you started your rescue, where we adopted Fred, where we made new friends, where we fell in love.”
Love .
The word reminds me of the little project I finished before Ryan got back. I shift off his lap and sort through the papers scattered around us until I find the deformed paper plane I made. I place it in his hand.
“What’s this?” His voice is hesitant.
“Open it.”
He carefully unfolds the paper, and as his eyes scan over the three words, I finally say them aloud. “I love you.”
Now he’s the one with slightly glassy eyes, and I can’t help but tease, “Now look who’s crying.”
He chuckles and tugs me back into his lap, tickling my side. “Brat.”
By the time he stops his tickle attack, I’m breathless and sprawled across his lap. He looks down at me with so much adoration that my chest tightens. “Say it again,” he murmurs, his voice a deep rasp.
“I love you,” I breathe, and that’s exactly what telling him the words I’ve held back feels like—as easy as breathing.
“I love you more, Sunshine. One day, I’m going to ask you to be my wife.”
“And one day, I’ll say yes.”