Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
RAY
I spear the last piece of fruit on my plate and force myself to eat it.
The last time my appetite was this absent was the first time Brianna ran off with Tucker. I ate maybe once every few days and only because someone insisted. Mom would shove a piece of peanut butter toast in front of me and say, “How will you find Tucker if you keel over?”
Tucker sitting within arm’s reach is the only reason I can stomach food this morning. Seeing him in the flesh, hearing his sweet voice, hugging him to my chest and breathing in his outdoorsy smell, knowing he is home and safe… soothes my soul in a way nothing else does.
Yesterday shook us all to the core.
For hours, I lost my shit. I went off on Kaya, screamed at people I love, and felt compelled to knock out a few who seemed to dally. Horrors filtered through my mind as I sent infinite pleas to the universe— don’t let them hurt Tucker . Nausea simmered in my belly the entire time Tucker was gone.
For the second time, my worst fear pointed its proverbial finger at me and laughed in my face.
I am a bad father .
Panic ensued the day Brianna told me she was pregnant. Neither of us knew a thing about being a parent. We were still in the fun phase of our relationship—the wild, uninhibited, let’s-have-sex-ten-times-a-day period. We were monogamous but not serious. I had my place and she had hers. Both of us were focused on our culinary careers. Marriage, children, and settling down were nowhere near our radar.
Two positive pregnancy tests changed Brianna and me forever. While I went from panicked to queasy to optimistic to elated, Brianna went the opposite direction.
From the beginning, she voiced her disdain. Was adamant in her stance on motherhood—quiet and uneasy at first, beyond deafening and adamant during our last fight—she did not want to be a parent. I tried to do the right thing. Suggested we live together and work opposite shifts so our lives and careers didn’t take as heavy a hit.
Brianna slapped me with her scorn often, and I took every hit without complaint. At the time, I felt I deserved it.
While I sought ways to improve our relationship, Brianna searched for a way out. While I busted my ass to be the best father possible, Brianna plotted ways to use Tucker to her advantage. Who wouldn’t help a homeless single mother with a toddler and no money?
I’ll give it to her; Brianna knows how to play everyone for personal gain. But it ends now.
“You don’t have to go,” I say to Kaya. Last night, we talked about going to the hospital to speak with Brianna. Kaya hadn’t given me a clear answer on whether she’d go with us. “If you need to be at the rec center?—”
“No,” she cuts me off. “I want to go.” Her expression softens. “You and Tucker need me there.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “ I need to be there.” Those last words come out almost inaudible.
Like it or not, Brianna hurt Kaya. By coming after and hurting the people she cares about, Brianna left Kaya with a fresh wound. Over time, the scar it leaves behind will smooth out and be less noticeable, but it will always exist.
The first step to heal invisible wounds… closure.
Kaya needs to see Brianna, maybe speak with her to move forward. Tucker and I need this visit, too. It may not be the last time we see her, but knowing Brianna’s no longer a threat is the major suture in a lifelong wound.
Turning my palm up, I cradle her hand in mine and mirror her gentle strength. “Then we all go.” I shift my attention to Tucker and inhale a shaky breath. “If it upsets you, bud, you don’t have to go. Grandma and Papa RJ said you can hang out with them.”
Still in this edgy cloud of apprehension, Tucker pokes at his scrambled eggs with his fork. After a fitful night of sleep, I didn’t expect him to eat much today. He’s eaten half of what I put on his plate. I’ll call it a win.
The silence is broken when the clang of Tucker’s fork hitting the plate bounces off the walls. A huff spills from his lips as he slouches in his seat and drops his hands in his lap. His dark brows scrunch together as he stares at his plate.
I mentally prepare for a hundred different scenarios, but mainly for him to go off. I’ve seen and experienced every emotion except true anger from him regarding his mother. All the unnecessary chaos Brianna thrust into his life, he should be angry—at her for putting him in those situations and not caring how it made him feel, at me for not doing more to find and rescue him the first time.
Do I want my little man upset or angry? Never. The idea makes me sick.
But he must harbor something for all the heartache he’s been through. It’s normal. Human. Whether it’s with me, Kaya, or a therapist, Tucker needs to get it out.
“I need to go, too,” he finally says. “I want to say goodbye to Mom.”
No child should have to be so brave. Not this early in life. Not with someone who should love them unconditionally.
“Okay, bud.” I swallow, school my features, and exude strength I don’t feel. “Let’s clean up and get ready.”
Antiseptic stings my nose as a blast of cold air dries my eyes. Hushed conversations drift through the waiting area. The weight of a hundred stares bores into the back of my head, but I keep my eyes forward. Tighten my hold on Tucker and Kaya and picture invisible armor around us as we step farther into the hospital.
Can’t say I blame the townies and gossipmongers for being curious. Just let us get through today. Let us catch our breath. There will be plenty of time to plaster our names in the town paper later.
I steer us toward the front desk and don an artificial smile.
The receptionist glances up from their computer. “May I help you?”
“Brianna Werner’s room number, please.”
They study me with scrutinous eyes. “Are you family?”
My gut twists. “Yes. This is her son, and I’m his father.”
Several clicks on the keyboard, an identification check, and phone call to Brianna’s floor later, we are given the room number and directed to the correct elevator. Solemn smile on their face, the receptionist says we will have to be cleared by officers before entering the room.
Each elevator ding on the ride up spikes my blood pressure. I clench then relax my fingers. Wipe my palms on my thighs. Swallow past the nauseating cramp in my stomach. Every cell in my body screams to pick Tucker up and hug him to my chest, but I don’t want to scare or worry him.
Sensing my discomfort, Kaya takes my hand with a reassuring squeeze and gives me some of her weight.
Damn, I fucking love her.
On a louder ding, the doors whoosh open. Feet rooted to the linoleum, my gaze darts from one person to another. Machines beep in the distance. Bleach lingers in the air. The corridor bright white from the overhead LED lights. People pass in different-colored scrubs—blue, green, gray, pink, various patterns.
My breakfast threatens to make a comeback, so I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Focus on my contact with Kaya, then Tucker as he slips his hand into mine.
Five breaths pass and the bulk of my unease settles. I press my lips to Kaya’s crown. “Thank you,” I murmur.
She tightens her hold on my hand. “Always.” A press of the button for the floor and the door opens again.
We head down the hall and go through all the checks with the police guarding Brianna’s door. Once we’re cleared, an officer tells us we only get ten minutes. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him I only need five, but with Brianna, who knows what bullshit she’ll pull.
Stepping into the room, I note a third officer guarding from the inside. The boulder in my stomach shrinks to a manageable rock.
I owe Travis and Roger Emerson and Tymber Woulf a lifetime of gratitude—for how quickly they acted, for putting up with my outrageous behavior, for wanting to bring Tucker home as much as I did.
“Are you happy?”
My attention snaps to the woman cuffed to the bed. Cheeks hollow, nostrils flared, lips cracked, her face is covered in red marks. Pupils blown wide, her lifeless gaze rakes over me as if I am the problem.
I refuse to let her spin this whole scenario. She will not gaslight Tucker or me into believing her habits and life choices are our fault.
“For the first time in years, yes”—I steel my spine—“I am happy. You’ll finally be held accountable for what you’ve done.”
Brianna scoffs. “What I’ve done?” She grinds her teeth. “My life was perfect until you came along.”
I do my damnedest to stay calm and keep a level head. “No, Brianna, it wasn’t.”
She opens her mouth to interject, but I keep talking.
“No one’s life is perfect. We all have our own stuff to deal with. If we’d never met, it’d be someone else who ruined your life.”
“Didn’t get pregnant on my own.” She rolls her eyes. “You pricked the condom, didn’t you? Wanted to keep me imprisoned, so you poked a hole in it and forced your kid on me.”
Anger boils under my skin. I open my mouth to tell her to go to hell, but the words never surface. Tucker beats me to it.
“I hate you!” Tucker yanks his hand out of mine and stomps closer to the bed. Small fists at his side, his face turns red and blotchy. “If you never wanted me, why did you steal me from my dad?”
Brianna’s cracked lips curve up in the most repulsive smile. “Your dad stole my dreams, so I robbed him of his. Plus, the only way anyone would give me a place to stay or food was if I gave them a sad story.” She lifts her hands from the mattress and shrugs.
In a blink, Tucker is inches from the bedside. He grabs the extra pillow propped against the frame, lifts it over his head, then brings it down with a whack . He gets in two solid hits before I swoop in and pull him away.
Hugging him to my chest, I drop my mouth to his ear. “I know you’re angry, bud.” I close my eyes and pour every ounce of love I have for Tucker into my embrace. “But don’t let her take away your happiness. Don’t let her fill you up with all the ugly.”
Opening my eyes, I set him on his feet, take the pillow, and kiss his hair. I squat down, spin him so we’re eye to eye, and rest my hands on his shoulders.
“You’re my favorite person, T-Man.” I nod for emphasis. “I will never love anyone as much as I do you.” Lifting a hand, I comb my fingers through his hair. “You are so brave and strong. Even when you shouldn’t have to be.” The backs of my eyes sting as I hold his gaze. “I’m proud to be your dad and promise to love you enough for two parents.”
Tears rim Tucker’s eyes, the first one spilling down his cheek a breath before he wraps me in a fierce hug. “I love you,” he whispers, his voice cracking.
“Well, isn’t that fucking adorable,” Brianna says, sarcasm thick.
I rise to my full height and turn toward Kaya. “Take Tucker into the hall? I need a minute alone with her.”
Compassion softens Kaya’s expression as she nods. She offers her hand to Tucker. “Let’s go see what kind of candy they have in the vending machine.”
Tucker takes Kaya’s hand, and they exit the room.
When the door clicks shut, I count to ten in my head to make sure Tucker is out of earshot. The second I hit ten, I pivot and step up to the foot of the bed.
“Blame me all you want for your shitty life decisions, Bri”—I point toward the door—“but don’t you fucking dare blame him. Ever.” My molars ache as I clench my jaw. “We all make choices, and you made yours. Deal with the consequences like a big girl.”
I grip the footrail until my knuckles burn. “I thank whatever cosmic force brought Tucker into my life. If you were a decent human being, you’d see beyond yourself and how incredible he is.” Releasing the rail, I take a step back. “Your loss.”
She opens her mouth to feed me some line of bullshit, but I cut her off.
“No, Bri,” I bellow, holding my hand up. “You’ve done more than enough damage.” I point to the ground. “From this day forward, you keep Tucker’s name out of your mouth. Hell, don’t even think it. You never wanted a kid?” I clap my hands in front of my face then spread them out. “ Poof . You don’t have one.” Narrowing my eyes, I tilt my head. “In case you need a reminder, you have no parental rights. He is mine .”
Needing distance, I take a step toward the door. Then another. An arm’s length from the door, I peer over my shoulder. “If you so much as look at Tucker again, it’ll be the last thing you see.”
“Did you just threaten me in front of a pig?”
I glance at the cop. “Did I just threaten her?”
He tips his head from side to side. “Technically, no.”
Gripping the door handle, I take one last look at Brianna. “Have the life you deserve.” Then I fling the door open and walk away.
Unfortunately, I will see her again… when her case goes to trial. But hearing her sentence and knowing she won’t be anywhere near Tucker for many years to come is the final piece of closure I need.
Headed back the way we came, I find Tucker and Kaya at the vending machines. Tucker has a can of soda, two different types of chips, and a few sugary snacks. Kaya has two drinks—one she hands to me—and a bag of pretzels.
“Thanks.” I tip my head toward the elevator. “Let’s get out of here.”
The trip back to the car goes much quicker. As if the universe says you’ve been through enough, let me make the rest easier.
In the car, we buckle up, but I don’t start it. Before we leave the lot, I want everything out. All the anger, frustration, and hurt, it all needs to be out in the open so we can move forward.
“It might be hard to talk about, but I need to know how you feel, Tucker,” I say. “What happened will stick with us for a while, but we shouldn’t keep it to ourselves.”
He’s quiet, thoughtful for a moment. “Will I ever see my mom again?”
I twist in my seat to look at him. “Probably not, bud. She’s done a lot of bad stuff and has to take responsibility for it.” I contemplate leaving it at that but decide it’s best he’s aware of the other reason he won’t see Brianna again. “And when she brought you here last year, she signed a special paper that says she doesn’t want to be your mom anymore.”
Insufferable heartbreak contorts his sweet face. “Why would she do that?”
The part of me that never wants Tucker to be in pain, whether physical, mental, or emotional, wants to sugarcoat the truth to soften the blow. But not ten minutes ago, Brianna spewed bitter, cruel words with Tucker mere feet from her bed.
Brutal honesty hurts, but it’s better to experience the momentary stab now than be left in the dark for a long time and be irreparably devastated years later.
“Brianna didn’t want to be a mom, and that’s not your fault. Never was, never will be.” I spin the soda can in the cup holder. “We cared about each other and were happy. That’s how you came into our lives.” I reach between the front seats and rest a hand on Tucker’s knee. “I’ve loved you since the moment I knew you existed. Brianna struggled with being a parent.”
I make a point to call Brianna by her name rather than Mom. She signed away her right to the title, not that she ever deserved it. In my eyes, she lost the moniker eight years ago, maybe before that. But Tucker has only ever known her as Mom. So perhaps, if I say her name enough times instead of Mom, it will shift his mindset and help him move forward.
“I’ve always wanted the best for you, bud. And that will never change. But I wish I would’ve known sooner that both parents being together doesn’t always equal a happy life.”
Tucker drops his gaze to his lap and wrings his fingers. “Is she going to jail?”
I want to say yes and mean it, but ultimately, the decision is out of my hands. After all she has done, it’d be a shock if she didn’t go to prison.
“Probably, bud. How does that make you feel?”
He relaxes his hands then lifts his chin. Tears glaze his hazel eyes. “Glad.” He blinks and sits a little straighter. “I hate her.”
His reaction and response are a knife to the chest, but I’d never rob him of his feelings. Brianna treated him poorly from the start and didn’t care how it would impact his life. She deserves his wrath, but I’ll find a way for him to channel it without hurting anyone else.
“My brave guy.” I run my fingers through the curls near his temple. “I’m sorry you had to go through this.” Peeking at Kaya from the corner of my eye, I take her hand. “I’ll always be here for you. If you need to yell, cry or hit something, you come to me and let it all out. And if you don’t want to do those things with me”—I squeeze Kaya’s hand—“you can sit down and talk with Kaya.”
Her grip on my hand is severe as she nods. “It would be an honor.”
A smile lights up Tucker’s face and it’s as if the sun came out for the first time in years. Who knew such a simple action could conquer the dark?
Tucker leans forward and lays his hand over our joined ones. “You’re the best, Miss Kaya. I love you.”
And now, Kaya Imala has the love of two Calhoun men.