42. The Great Freezer Breaker Flip and Petting Zoo Escape
42
THE GREAT FREEZER brEAKER FLIP AND PETTING ZOO ESCAPE
CAMPBELL
The woman was a diabolical genius. Or a criminal mastermind. It didn’t really matter because by the time the Silver Haven Assisted Living bus regurgitated its eighteen senior citizen passengers and their chaperones in the parking lot, Hazel had worked her magic on Summer Fest and Story Lake.
The Warblers greeted our guests with an enthusiastic a cappella rendition of the Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations.” The empty storefronts on Main Street and Lake Drive had been transformed into fake businesses that were either conveniently closed for the day or coming soon. Story Lake was now home to a new plant shop, a café, a children’s consignment boutique, and a hobby shop.
Thanks to Garland’s posts on the Neighborly app, we had an army of citizens creating a steady stream of phony foot traffic, changing their clothes and familial configurations every half an hour.
The festival’s dance floor was now half the size thanks to the two dozen folding chairs donated by Lacresha’s funeral home, and the music Darius’s sister was playing was decades older than it had been earlier.
The cooling tent had been transformed into a bingo hall with folding tables and more chairs. And the victims of our first-ever shitty 5K had perked right up with their lawn chairs in the lake.
In the middle of it all, Hazel Hart directed the web of lies with the precision of a general from her borrowed Hello Kitty walkie-talkie.
“The antiques are early birding. I repeat. The antiques are early birding,” she said into the radio as she strode toward the ice cream stand to help with a freezer malfunction.
There was a static-laden squawk before Rusty responded. “Copy that. The early birds have landed for lunch. Requesting additional customers, preferably families with adorable, well-behaved children.”
“Reinforcements are on their way,” came Darius’s crackly reply from the radio. A glint of sun on glass came from the second-floor apartment above Sunita’s clothing store, where our intrepid mayor had set up an air-conditioned command center.
Gage joined me at the edge of the tent and watched as our half dozen plants prepared for bingo. “It’s a good thing Livvy is the only cop in town because I’m pretty sure we could get arrested for fraud for all this,” he said.
“What’s a little fraud between neighbors and sewage treatment plants?”
My brother shook his head. “I can’t believe it. You’re smiling.”
I carefully rearranged my features into my customary scowl. “No, I’m not. I hate everything.”
“What’s going on?” Levi asked, watching as Gator launched a retiree-bearing kayak into the lake.
“Cam’s smiling,” Gage said.
“Did a kid run into a sliding glass door?”
“What’s happening?” Laura asked, joining us. She had a walkie-talkie clipped to the strap of her tank top and a backpack cooler full of water bottles.
“Cammie’s smiling,” Levi said.
“I am not,” I insisted.
“Did someone fall off a trampoline and land on their nuts?” my sister asked.
“Why do you people think the only thing that amuses me is other people getting hurt?”
“Because we were all there when you almost pissed yourself laughing when Livvy got knocked off the four-wheeler by that tree branch,” Gage said.
“And that time you sprained your abs laughing at Larry when she tripped over the dog while carrying Isla’s birthday cake and landed face-first in it,” Levi added.
“Mom had to turn the sink sprayer on you to get you to stop cackling,” Laura recalled.
“Everybody shut up,” I said. Walks down memory lane were dangerous because they inevitably led to a reminder of everything we’d lost. And if I’d learned anything in the last year, it was that the only way forward was to avoid thinking about the past and how it was eventually going to repeat itself.
“So if it wasn’t an injury, what has you smiling, brother dearest?” she asked.
Gage nodded in Hazel’s direction. “Give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.”
“Ooooh!” my siblings crooned in unison before breaking into a barrage of kissing noises.
“I hate all of you.”
“Be cool. Here she comes,” Gage announced in a stage whisper as Hazel headed for us.
“Just the family I was looking for,” she said, not noticing that my idiot siblings were grinning at her. She brushed her damp bangs out of her eyes and consulted her notebook. “Gage, can you please help the woman in the T-shirt that says My Grandson Is a Genius across the street to the bookstore? She said her arthritis is flaring up. And flirt with her on the walk.”
“Anything for you, Big City,” he said, showing his stupid dimple.
I gave him a shove. “Save it for Grandma, dumbass.”
Hazel was already moving on to the next item on her agenda. “Levi, can you take a ten-minute shift sitting with the gentleman on the park bench by the dock and just nod while he talks?”
“Sit and nod?” he repeated.
“His name is Lewis, and he forgot his hearing aids at home so he can’t hear a thing, but he’s a retired captain of a catamaran in the Bahamas. He’s pretty cool.”
“On it,” my brother agreed and peeled off toward the designated bench.
“Laura, can you check in with your parents and see if they need more feed for the petting zoo?”
“Already restocked them. And I brought the ice cream stand two new extension cords when theirs went missing. And I restocked the water station by the dock.”
Hazel scratched several swift check marks on her paper. “You’re my MVP of the day.”
“Today and every day,” my sister said airily.
I gave Hazel’s ponytail a tug. “Hey, put me in, coach.”
Her smile was sly. “I’m so glad you volunteered, because we need a bingo caller.”
I shook my head hard enough to send droplets flying. “No. Not happening. There’s nothing under this hellfire sun that would make me get up there in front of the entire town and a pack of elderly strangers.”
“I24. You know what that means, people,” I said into the microphone.
“Keeping score,” the participants chanted.
The bingo teams rained colored ping-pong balls toward the open mouth of the stuffed, upright six-foot marlin.
“I see you blocking shots over there, Horace. Remember, if you cheat…” I pointed to the crowd.
“You get beat!” everyone chanted.
Story Lake’s bingo teams had seamlessly absorbed several seniors and drawn a crowd.
A thin, reedy voice rose over the general ruckus.
It belonged to a tall lanky Silver Haven woman with bifocals and a hairdo one could classify as a beehive. “I think I have bingo!”
Pandemonium exploded and continued through the official verification process. It turned out Ethel did indeed have bingo.
“Thanks for playing, folks. Let’s stretch our legs or whatever body parts we’re dealing with, rehydrate, and pay a visit to the French fry stand. Bishop out,” I said, dropping the mic on the table to a rowdy round of applause.
A beaming Hazel appeared at my side and handed me a cold bottle of water. “You were…”
“Handsome? Sexy? Fuckable after a shower?” I supplied, swiping a forearm over my forehead.
“Amazing,” she said. “And all of the above.”
I towed her out of the tent into the sliver of shade of the French fry stand. The sun was still doing its best to charbroil us. But the lake breeze had kicked up, making the heat slightly more tolerable. DJ Deena had been replaced with Darius’s cousin’s band, The Equations. They were wailing through a hastily learned version of “Help Me, Rhonda.”
“Levi got to sit and nod at the old man and the sea, and I had to emcee a heated battle for supremacy for an hour,” I pointed out.
“Your thank-you card will be much more expensive than his,” she promised.
“How did everything else go while I was bringing down the house in there?” I asked, dumping half of the water over my head.
“Good! The bookstore is having a banner day with the fifty-percent-off sale. An eighty-six-year-old lady tried to steal Peaches by putting her in her tote bag. So far no one’s noticed that little Timmy has been part of four different families today, including Timmy, who is perfectly happy wandering around with strange adults as long as he has a cherry Icee. Oh, and ten of our esteemed guests are enjoying a low-speed educational tour of the lake on the Hernandezes’ pontoon boat.”
“What’s Beto educating them on?” I asked.
“As far as I can tell, completely made-up town history and geology.”
“They don’t call us Story Lake for nothing. Now, how soon can we cut out of here and get naked in a shower?”
Hazel consulted her list and her watch. “We still have the bird-calling contest, extremely early dinner at Angelo’s, and then karaoke, and then the marching band?—”
“Excuse me, Ms. Hart?”
We turned to find one of the Silver Haven chaperones standing behind us. She was a middle-aged woman who topped out around five and a half feet tall. Four of those inches were hair. She had sweat stains on her polo shirt and was holding a small stack of books.
“Yes?” Hazel said, again trying to swipe her limp bangs out of her eyes.
“I hope you don’t mind. But I’m Sylvia with the Silver Haven group. I’m actually an administrator and my mother’s a resident. I volunteered to attend today’s field trip because I heard you lived here. Can I just say I’m a huge fan?”
Hazel beamed. “Really? Thank you so much!”
Sylvia nodded vigorously. “I’ve read every one of your books multiple times. And when I heard you had moved to an actual small town just like one of your heroines, well, I jumped at the chance to come see it for myself.”
“Well, thank you,” Hazel said. “That means the world to me that you would come here. I hope you’re enjoying yourself in Story Lake.”
“You’ve got yourself something pretty special here,” Sylvia said. Her eyes skated my way, and her smile widened. “Maybe some one pretty special too.”
“Oh, well…uh…maybe,” Hazel sputtered.
Enjoying her discomfort, I put an arm around Hazel’s shoulders. Her damp skin rejected mine, and my arm slid right off.
Sylvia turned back to Hazel. “I just wanted to tell you it gives us all hope to see you starting fresh and finding your own happily ever after. It makes the rest of us think we might be able to do it too.”
Hazel opened her arms. “I sweated off my deodorant about seven hours ago, but can I give you a hug?”
“How about a hug, a selfie, and maybe you could sign my books?” Sylvia bargained.
“I think I can find a pen,” Hazel said with a watery smile.
They were taking their twentieth selfie when our radios crackled.
“Mayday. Mayday. This is the Golden Oldie Tiki Barge. We’re taking on water. Requesting assistance immediately.”
“For fuck’s sake,” I muttered.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake! I told Arthur not to mess around on the boat,” Sylvia said, reaching for her phone.
Hazel and I left her and sprinted toward the lake. Gage, Levi, and everyone else with walkie-talkies converged on the dock.
The pontoon boat was in the middle of the damn lake, but even from here I could see it listing in the water. I yanked the cartoon character–themed walkie-talkie off my belt. “Golden Oldie Tiki Barge, this is Bingo Caller. How many passengers aboard? Over.”
“We got ten aboard plus me and the missus.”
Hazel moaned. “What do we do? We can’t let them capsize!”
My mother joined us and handed the cross-eyed chicken she was holding to Zoey, who looked like she was about to pass out.
Mom clapped her hands. “Levi, get out there and assess the damage. Take extra life jackets with you and find out who can’t swim. Gage and Cam? All available boats, find ’em and get them out there to start the rescue. Laura, call Gator and see how far that winch on his tow truck goes. If we get the boat close enough, maybe we can tow them to shore.”
“What can I do?” Hazel asked, clutching her notebook to her chest.
“Call Darius and track down as many of the Outdoor Girls as you can. They just completed lifeguarding badges this summer.”
I keyed the walkie again. “Bingo Caller to Golden Oldie. Rescue operation is underway. Sit tight and try to enjoy the sunshine.” Beto waved the okay from the boat, and I hit the dock looking for boats owned by people too trusting to lock them up.
Emilie sidled up next to me as I tried to untie Junior Wallpeter’s Sunfish from the pier. “Told ya this was a bad idea,” she said smugly.
I paused my knot abuse and glared at her. “It’s almost like you wanted us to fail.”
“What? No. Why the hell would I want that?” she sputtered.
“Exactly, Rump. Why the hell would you?” I agreed. The knot gave up the fight, and I jumped down onto the craft. By the time I pushed off from the dock and raised the halyard, Emilie was gone.
Minutes later, I was busy hauling a tiny but spry eighty-six-year-old aboard when my radio crackled. “I know everyone is busy saving lives right now, but we’ve got a problem at the ice cream stand and the petting zoo.”
“Figured everyone could use one of these,” Rusty said, wandering up with two buckets of icy beers.
“Thanks,” I said and grabbed two by the necks. I made my way through the puddle of dejected, dehydrated Summer Fest committee members to Hazel, who was seated on the curb. She looked like someone had run over her grandmother and then set her house on fire as she watched the Silver Haven residents board their bus with hastily boxed-up dinners from Angelo’s.
I dangled the beer in front of her face. “Haze?”
She blinked and accepted the bottle. “Thanks.”
I sat down next to her on the curb. The sun was lower in the sky now, taking the worst of the temperatures with it. But that was about all we had to celebrate.
“It wasn’t that bad,” I insisted, popping the top on my beer. “It could have been worse.”
“How, Cam? How could it have been worse? We lost an entire bus of tourists. We gave the whole high school cross-country team heatstroke. Your store has to hand out thirty-four family packs of toilet paper since every single runner crossed the finish line in front of Mayor Poop Emoji. We nearly drowned an entire bus of senior citizens and a couple of Outdoor Girls during the rescue. And now we’re all covered in melted ice cream and livestock hair thanks to the Great Freezer Breaker Flip and Petting Zoo Escape.”
“Nobody actually died or ended up in the hospital,” I pointed out.
“We needed an entire tent dedicated to medical emergencies. That shouldn’t be a metric for success.”
I uncapped her beer and handed it back to her. “Baby, we all knew this was a long shot. The first step in a very long fight. The first event was always going to be a shit show. But you know what did work?”
She pouted down at her beer. “What?”
“We did.”
“We did what?”
“We worked together. The whole town. And that’s all because of you.”
“I’m busy wallowing right now. I don’t think phony compliments are appropriate in this moment,” she said morosely.
I nudged her shoulder. “You organized an entire town to show up and fake our way through looking bigger and better than we are. And it was working.”
“Yeah, until it didn’t.”
“Until someone made sure it didn’t,” I said.
Hazel sat up straighter. “What do you mean?”
“You said when you overheard Nina on the phone that you thought she was talking to someone here in Story Lake. An insider.”
“I don’t know—it seems a little high-concept for small-town life. Besides, everyone showed up today. Everyone pulled their weight…and those Outdoor Girls even carried some other people’s weight when they swam to shore.”
“Levi and I took a look at the boat when Gator hauled it out. Found a puncture in the back of one of the pontoons.”
She took a sip of beer. “What are you saying?”
“Levi’s the cop, but I’m willing to bet money that someone put that hole there on purpose.”
She choked on her beer. “Someone sabotaged the lake tour? People could have been seriously injured or worse!”
“It’s four feet deep out there, odds are everyone would have just gotten a little wet walking back to shore. Anyone who lives here knows that. Then there’s the electricity in the park,” I continued. “First the extension cords go missing. Then the breaker trips. And while everyone’s trying to get gallons of melted ice cream into a working freezer, someone opens the gate on the petting zoo.”
“You think someone sabotaged the entire day?”
“If I say yes, is it going to make you more pouty?”
“No, it’s going to infuriate me and I’m going to create a campaign to hunt them down and destroy them.”
“Good. You’re hot when you’re mad. So yes. Someone sabotaged the entire day, and I think I know who.”
Zoey flopped down on the curb next to Hazel. She had chicken feathers stuck to her stained tank top. “I can’t wait to shower this day off me. My skin tastes like the rim of a margarita.”
“Cam was just telling me he thinks someone sabotaged the entire day,” Hazel announced.
“Someone did what ?” Zoey screeched. “Give me a name and I’ll hunt them down right now.”
“Keep it down,” I said, glancing over both shoulders.
Hazel slapped her knee. “We need to set up a sting.”
Zoey perked up. “Like in Spring Gate four! When Madeline sneaks into Chester’s house and?—”
“Shit,” I muttered when I spotted a familiar blond make her way toward us. “Pretend you’re defeated and shit.”
“What? Why?” Zoey wondered. “I wanna go defeat something.”
“Crap,” Hazel said, spotting the problem. “Nina. Cam’s ex-girlfriend and mayor of Dominion.”
Zoey nodded. “Okay. And I’m all caught up.”
We rose as one just as Nina stopped in front of us. She looked like a woman who had spent the entire day in air-conditioned conference rooms.
“Well, it looks like your little town had some excitement today,” Nina said with a politician’s smile as she scanned the ruins of Summer Fest behind us. “I’m happy to share my resources to help you clean up this mess. I could have a sanitation crew over here as soon as our much larger party is over.”
“I think we’ll pass, Nina,” I said.
“Who knew so many things could go wrong in a single day? I almost feel sorry for you,” she said.
“That’s funny. I was just going to say the same thing about you,” Hazel said with a short laugh.
Nina brought a hand to her chest. “Me? My life is perfect. What could you possibly feel sorry for?”
“You’re an adult, a mayor of what looks like a thriving town, you have a great wardrobe, good hair?—”
“Get to the insults part,” Zoey insisted.
“Yet here you are, almost twenty years after your high school boyfriend dumps you, and you’re still trying to get revenge. You’ve got a husband and kids and probably a nice house with lake views. But you’re still thinking about the one who got away. That’s just sad,” Hazel said.
Nina let out a silvery peal of fake-as-fuck laughter. “I haven’t given Cam a thought since the summer after our senior year.”
“Mm-hmm. Sure. That’s why you’re standing here talking to him rather than sending your phony condolences to Mayor Oglethorpe,” Hazel said smugly.
I put my arm around her and pulled her into my side. “Wow, Nina. That’s just embarrassing for you. You really shouldn’t be still carrying a torch for me. I’ve moved on.” I gave Hazel a suggestive squeeze.
“Oh, please,” Nina scoffed. “The last time I actually gave a shit about you was our senior prom, when I was worried you were going to show up in camo. I’m not here for you. I’m here to make you an offer.”
“No, I won’t have sex with you for money, Nina,” I announced loud enough that everyone in the park and lot could hear us.
“You always were an immature asshole,” she hissed.
“Well, you’re the one who’s still hung up on an immature asshole,” Zoey pointed out.
Nina looked down at her. “And you are?”
“I’m about to kick your ass,” Zoey said pleasantly. She took a step toward Nina.
Nina’s eyes narrowed, and she backed up half a pace. “This town is ridiculous. You all should be thanking me.”
“Thank you for what? Hating us so much that you went out of your way to sabotage a petting zoo?” Hazel said, taking a threatening step forward.
“I don’t give a shit about you or your pathetic hamlet. I’m here to offer you a deal. If you agree to the annexation, we’ll pay for your little sewage problem.”
“What’s going on here?” Gage demanded as he walked up. Darius was on his heels.
“Mayor Vampic, what a nice surprise,” Darius said.
“No, it’s not,” I said.
“Mayor Vampic here was just reminding us of her offer to pay for our sewage upgrades if we give up our charter,” I announced.
Darius’s gaze hardened. “I’m afraid we’ve already had this conversation and Story Lake isn’t ready to consider that generous offer quite yet.”
Nina sent a caustic gaze around at the remnants of Summer Fest. “How much else can you afford to lose? It doesn’t look like there’s much left worth fighting for. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll take in some peace and quiet before I head back for the fireworks and boat show.”
Nina sauntered down the dock.
“I can’t believe you dated her,” Zoey muttered.
“Cam said it was okay,” Gage said defensively.
Zoey and Hazel whipped around to look at us. “You both dated her?” they said in unison.
“We were younger and dumber back then,” Gage began sheepishly.
“Well, you were younger. You’re at about the same level of dumb,” I said.
Hazel was sending invisible poisonous eye darts in Nina’s direction. “If you’ll excuse me, there’s something I need to do.”
She stormed off down the sidewalk toward the dock.
“Uh-oh,” Zoey said.
“What’s she going to do?” I asked.
“I think she’s going to try to get a little justice off the page for once,” she predicted.
Sensing breaking news, Garland climbed out of the lawn chair he’d been camped in under the bingo tent and jogged after her.
Hazel stormed across the dock planks and pulled up mere inches from Nina.
I sighed. “Shit. She’s doing the finger-pointing thing.”
“At least she’s not stabbing that woman with them,” Zoey said, shading her eyes from the sun. “Her fingers are freakishly strong.”
Nina slapped Hazel’s hand away. From the snooty expression on her face, I was willing to bet money she’d just delivered one of her famously snobby zingers. But Hazel just threw back her head and laughed.
“And now she’s laughing at the bad guy,” Zoey commentated. “This isn’t bad. Usually she just vapor locks up and goes home and spends the next two days writing down killer insults that she wished she thought of on the spot.”
“No one steals from Story Lake, you insufferable shit waffle!” Hazel shouted loud enough for everyone in the park to turn and watch what happened next.
Nina, clearly not used to being called hilarious insults, gave Hazel a two-handed shove.
“Oh, like hell she did,” Zoey snarled. “That shit waffle has worn out her welcome.”
But I was already on my way. Unfortunately, I was too late.
Hazel regained her balance and shoved Nina back…right off the dock and into the water.
“Woo!” Zoey whooped, applauding as she ran behind me.
“Ah, hell,” Gage muttered.
Nina surfaced sputtering. Her hair hung like a wet curtain over her face. Her white sundress was covered in lake mud. “How dare you!” she screeched.
At least that’s what I thought she said. It was a little hard to hear her over the chanting that was building throughout the park.
“Hazel! Hazel! Hazel!”
The woman in question met me at the foot of the dock, looking flushed and triumphant. “If you’re here to lecture me, I’d save it. I feel like a real-life heroine right now,” she said.
“You are a real-life heroine,” I said and grabbed her by the front of her shirt. “ My heroine.”
I kissed her. Hard. Which seemed to raise the volume on the cheers. By the time I pulled back, I was already rearranging the evening’s schedule of nudity and Darius was throwing flotation devices off the dock at the still-shrieking Nina.
“I’ll sue you and this entire goddamn town!” she screamed until she was forced to spit out lake water.
Hazel winced. “I think I got a little too you-y out there.”
“No such thing. Everyone should be more me-y,” I insisted, grinning at Gage and Levi when they joined us on the dock.
“We can’t afford a sewage plant, let alone a lawsuit,” Hazel complained.
“I’m going to take your home, your shoes, your stupid fucking car, and then I’m going to take apart this town piece by piece,” Nina howled as Gator, the reluctant gentleman, helped her out of the water. She was missing one of her fancy sandals and looked like she’d gone ten rounds with an automatic car wash and lost.
Gage scoffed. “As Ms. Hart’s attorney, I must request that all frivolous lawsuits be run through your attorneys.”
“Fuck you, Gage! I’ll have your whole damn family arrested!”
“As Story Lake’s chief of police, I’m gonna have to ask you to refrain from swearing in public, seein’ as how it’s illegal for a woman to do so within town limits between the hours of two p.m. and seven p.m.,” Levi said, crossing his arms over his chest.
“You’re all a bunch of backwoods hicks who don’t deserve to share a boundary with Dominion. You should be kissing our boots and begging us to take your worthless little town off your hands!”
The booing started. Nina wisely took that as a sign to limp and slosh her way to the parking lot.
We watched her march up to Emilie Rump’s car and gesture for Emilie to open the door. “Interesting,” I noted.
“Very,” Gage said.
Levi grunted.
We watched as they drove off, the lakeside mood suddenly more triumphant than it had been minutes ago.
“That deserves another beer,” I decided.
“Oh, God. No,” Hazel breathed. “Am I hallucinating?”
“What’s wrong?” I demanded.
“Well, shit. If you are, I’m hallucinating the same thing,” Zoey said, taking a protective step in front of Hazel. “What the hell is this? The parade of exes?”