47. Sibling confessions
47
SIBLING CONFESSIONS
CAMPBELL
I see we’re still pissed,” I said the next morning at the gym when my sister bared her teeth at me mid–lat pull-down. She already had a full sweat going on, which meant she’d come in earlier than usual. I wondered if that meant she wasn’t sleeping again. Then I wondered if I should ask her if she wasn’t sleeping.
And then I realized I had no idea how to broach the subject without earning her wrath.
“That makes two of us,” Levi announced from the weight bench next to her.
“If you’re gonna be mad at anyone, Shithead here is the one who nominated you, chief,” I pointed out, trading my towel and tumbler for weights.
Levi’s answer was a glare and a grunt before starting his next set of curls.
“Livvy can’t stay mad at me,” Laura said, mopping her forehead. “The whole wheelchair thing and all.” She gestured dramatically at her chair.
It was one of those jokes that wasn’t really funny because it was true. We’d once been merciless with each other. Now we tiptoed around things. Our sibling dynamic was off, and none of us knew how to get back to where we’d been.
Doing what I always did and suppressing any feelings of unrest, I started my warm-up with a series of mobility moves.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Gage said, out of breath from his miles on the treadmill.
“I saw the way you looked at her,” Laura announced.
“Who?” I said through gritted teeth, pretending I didn’t know exactly who she was talking about.
“Look, I get that we don’t talk about the real stuff, but I’m tired of it. You fucked up. You were happy. She was happy. And you threw it away.” There was an actual tremble in my sister’s voice, and I was scared to fucking death that it wasn’t rage.
“You of all people should understand,” I said.
“Me of all people? What in the fucking fuck is that supposed to mean?” Laura demanded.
“That was probably stupid,” Gage muttered under his breath.
“Definitely stupid,” Levi grunted.
“No. Fuck this. You guys wanna talk? We’ll talk. I sat there and watched you go through it all, Laur. I had a front-row seat to see you lose everything. To see you suffer through every agonizing second of the day. I can’t fucking do that. I can’t lose someone like that. I almost lost you, and I couldn’t fucking handle it.”
Laura’s eyes flashed. “You did not just use me and Miller as an excuse for your dumbassery.”
“I’m not using anybody for an excuse, and there was no dumbassery.”
“Better get those handcuffs ready,” Gage said to Levi.
“Do you think there’s anything I wouldn’t do to get one more day, one more hour with Miller?” Laura demanded. “And you just walked away from someone who made you happier than I’ve ever seen you, you hulking moron.”
“Look. Let’s just calm down,” I said.
“Calm down? I will not calm down, Cammie. Because I’m still pissed off half the time that I can’t just stand up and punch you in your stupid face when you deserve it. Because we don’t talk about things. Because I can’t deal with sitting at home being the wounded goddamn widow for another second.”
“Jesus, Larry. Why didn’t you say something?” Gage asked quietly.
“Because we don’t fucking talk about shit!” she shouted. “None of us do.”
“You shouldn’t have had to ask,” I admitted. “We should have known.”
“Oh, fuck off. None of you dummies are mind readers. We’re all at fault. Blah blah blah. But we’re focusing on you right now.”
“Can’t we focus on Gage?” I joked.
“I’m alive, Cammie. I didn’t lose everything. I had the kids, I had you buttholes. And Melvin and my friends. I had myself. I am strong as hell, and I don’t regret one second of my life with Miller. Not even the end. So I’m sure as hell not going to let you use me as an excuse to run away from love because ‘it’s scary’ or ‘something bad might happen.’ Guess what, you stupid dumb idiot, the only thing that gets us through the bad times are the people and things we love.”
I scratched at the back of my head. “Anyone else getting uncomfortable with the talking thing?”
Gage, Levi, and Laura all raised their hands.
“If we’re dropping truth bombs, I’m still pissed about you riding back into town and trying to play hero,” Gage admitted.
“Who? Me?” I asked, pointing at myself.
“Yes, you, fuckface,” Levi said.
“I didn’t try to play hero.”
“You made it seem like we couldn’t do anything without you. Like the business was failing because you weren’t here. Like you could have prevented Laura’s…situation,” Gage said, waving a hand toward the wheelchair.
“I’m the oldest. It’s my job to protect you losers,” I insisted.
“Just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you’re the only one capable of protecting shit,” Gage said.
Levi offered him a silent fist bump.
“Fine. So I fucked things up with Hazel. Larry wants to go back to work. And Gigi thinks I’m an overbearing narcissist. What’s your problem, Livvy?”
We all turned to look at Levi.
“I didn’t fucking shoot up the barn with paintballs, and I’m still pissed about getting blamed for it.”