21. Emilia
CHAPTER 21
Emilia
M y head swims.
I was so glad when I got Sterling’s text. Because since yesterday, I’ve been shuffling between feeling sick and feeling complete and absolute dread.
I was going to tell him. When I walked in here, I’d made up my mind to tell him. And now this?
Carefully, without betraying my emotions, I ask, “What do you mean by leaving?”
“I mean I’m leaving Edenton, angel. I have to head back to New York.”
I suck in a sharp breath, trying to keep calm, trying not to lose my head.
“Okay,” I say, nodding slowly. “This was always the plan. You were always going to return to New York. To your job and your life and your everything. I just didn’t think—” I falter.
I forgot. I forgot this was temporary.
“Emilia,” Sterling says, pain in his expression. “I was never going to leave you.”
“And now you’re saying you have to. It’s fine,” I say, my chest squeezing painfully.
Oh, God, I think I’m going to be sick. Or have a panic attack. Or both.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why?” Sterling growls. “Don’t just tell me it’s fine. Don’t pretend you’re not feeling anything.”
My jaw tightens. “Don’t piss me off, Sterling. You said you’re leaving, so go. I was fine before you came into my life, and I’ll be fine when you’re gone.”
Except I won’t be. Not even in the slightest.
Sterling scoffs before reaching for his precious bottle of whiskey and pouring another glass. We’re both silent as he takes the shot. I try to steady my heartbeat, trying to be reasonable.
“Why do you have to leave?” I ask after several moments.
Sterling runs a hand through his hair, looking more distraught than I’ve ever seen him.
“Marissa’s sick,” he finally replies. “She has cancer.”
I gasp, my hands going over my mouth. “Oh my god,” I murmur.
“Yeah, it’s why she hasn’t been around the past couple of months. She’s been getting treatments. But they don’t seem to be working. That’s why I have to leave, angel,” he says, green eyes burning intently into mine. “We might not be married anymore, but that woman is the mother of my child. I have to do my best to help her.”
Guilt washes over me. “I’m sorry, Sterling,” I whisper.
And I’m so fucking sorry for Marissa. She’s so young. She shouldn’t have to be going through this. No one should.
“It’s not your fault, angel. I just need you understand where I’m going from.”
“Of course I do,” I assure him, my voice hoarse. “You have to be with her, Sterling, because that’s who you are. I don’t think a lot of people see it, but you’re actually such a good person. You’re always talking about my bleeding heart, but yours is so beautiful and pure as well,” I say softly, placing a hand against his chest.
He takes the hand in his, running his thumb over my palm. The warmth from his touch spreads all over me, heating me up from the inside.
“I’m so sorry, angel. I wish I didn’t have to leave. I wish none of this was happening.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I hate this so much. I don’t want to leave you.”
“Sterling, I need you to listen to me without getting angry, okay?”
His jaw tightens. “I’ll try.”
“You need to go. Because you were always meant to do that. This, whatever’s going on between you and me, it was temporary. I don’t think it was ever going to last. And while I’ve so enjoyed getting to know you, I think our time is up. You have your family to think about, you have Sean and Marissa, and your parents. You’ve progressed so much in the past two months, which I how I know you’ll be strong enough to handle whatever comes next. You have to be.”
He stares at me for a moment before exhaling a breath. “A part of me was hoping you’d ask me to stay,” he says.
I smile. “That would be selfish.”
“Emilia Cameron’s a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them. You’re so annoying,” he says on an eye roll.
“Thanks. It’s my best quality.”
“What did you want to tell me?” he asks after a moment.
My eyes widen slightly and I clear my throat, shifting in my seat.
“Oh, um, I was going to ask you for a day off on Tuesday.”
For a doctor’s appointment. That I was hoping he’d come along with me for.
I’m so fucked.
“But since you’re leaving, it doesn’t matter anymore,” I continue. “Guess I’m out of a job now.”
Guilt flashes across his face. “I’m sorry about your café, angel.”
“I’m not,” I say on a shrug. “Honestly, it took losing it for me to realize it was never really that serious. I made the café a physical embodiment of just how far I’ve come. But the truth is, I know how far I’ve come. And I’ll be okay. Now I just have to think about what I do next.”
“I’m sure you’ll dominate. No matter what you choose.”
My gaze settles on his, tracing the soft creases of his eyes down to the smooth corners of his jaw. And it dawns on me that the point of this entire conversation is that he’s going to leave. And he didn’t say anything about returning, either.
Once again, I feel sick. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy symptoms or just thing entire situation making my stomach so queasy. I slip my hand out of Sterling’s.
“Can we go home now?” I ask softly. “I’m tired.”
His eyes grow even warmer. “Sure, angel. I’ll call Callum to pick us up.”
There’s still so much left unsaid between us, but it’s all getting lost in the sea of uncertainty and pain. I always knew it was going to hurt. But this is so much worse than I expected.
He’s only halfway through his bottle of whiskey when we leave. The air outside the bar is chillier than when we walked in.
I shiver, rubbing my shoulders as we wait for the car. Sterling must notice because he takes off his jacket. I suck in a soft breath as he moves closer to place it around my shoulders. It smells like him. I offer a grateful smile.
“I’m keeping this.” Something to remember him by.
“No problem, angel,” he says tightly, like he can tell what I’m thinking.
Callum arrives, parking the car right in front of us. Sterling opens the door, gesturing for me to get in. I slide into the back seat and he’s right behind me. When I place my head on his shoulder, he doesn’t stop me. He leans in closer, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers.
This feels like a breakup. Even though we were never even together. I want the drive to last longer than it does, but too soon we’re stopping in front of my house. I exhale softly, looking up at him.
“I guess this is it,” I mutter. “When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow,” he replies hoarsely. “I’m sorry, angel.”
“Shush, stop apologizing,” I tell him.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I throw my arms around his neck. He hugs me back, and I hope he doesn’t notice the tremble in my arms. He holds me for so long that everything else disappears. I’m the one that has to let go.
“I have to head inside,” I say, escaping his embrace.
I open the car door, and after thanking Callum and waving at Sterling, I walk away. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy, though. I hear the car door opening and slamming shut about two seconds later.
“Emilia,” I hear Sterling call.
He’s standing behind me when I turn around, and there’s this intense look in his eyes that takes my breath away.
“I’m not going to ask you to wait for me,” he starts.
“Good, because I’m not going to.”
His eyes briefly flutter shut.
“I’m going to come back, angel,” he promises. “I don’t know when, but I will.”
You have to , I want to scream . Because I’m pregnant, Sterling . I’m pregnant with your baby.
But I can’t tell him that right now. Not when he’s already going through something so incredibly hard. One day, if he does come back, maybe I’ll tell him. But for now, he has to go and do his thing. And I’ll do my thing, too.
“Don’t call or text me,” I tell him instead of the truth. “Focus on Marissa. Focus on your family. All of them, your mother, your grandfather, and your brother. Don’t shy away from the hard conversations. At the end of the day, they’re all you have.”
“I’ll take that advice,” Sterling nods, “if you promise you will as well.”
I knew he was going to say that.
“Deal,” I say softly. “I’ll open up more. I can’t promise to let my guard down completely, but I also won’t act like I’m a burden to the people I know love me unconditionally anymore.”
“Atta girl,” he says proudly. Then he sobers up almost immediately. “I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to Carson since the fight. I’m not sure I’ll be able to see him before I leave.”
“He called to apologize to me this morning,” I tell him. “I’ll talk to him for you.”
“And say what on my behalf?” he questions.
I shrug. I have no idea.
He sighs. “Tell him I’m sorry. But also that he was wrong. He said we would never work, but I just think we needed more time.”
My chest tightens. Time. Is this really about time? Or is Carson right?
“He was wrong, Emilia. Look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me. Tell me none of it was real,” he prods.
My lips part. I want so badly to say the words, but they don’t leave my lips.
“That’s what I thought,” Sterling murmurs. He places a hand on my jaw. “If I kiss you, will you push me away?”
The air between us crackles with electricity. Heat rushes through my body, lighting me up in the most intense way. I lean into his palm, feeling my heart race with every beat of my heart.
“No, I won’t.”
“Just like that first time,” Sterling says, referring to our first kiss.
“Another one for the ages.”
When our lips meet, a sort of desperation fills me. Longing, angst. I realize just how stupid I’ve been all this time. Why did I spend so long pushing him away? Why didn’t I hold on?
The kiss is searing in the best way possible. Consuming. He tastes like whiskey and sin. I whimper when he bites down on my bottom lip, between his tongue slips into my mouth, deepening the kiss. His hand traces down the length of my body almost reverently. I hold onto him tight, because I never want to let go.
Eventually, we have to. We have to breathe, and we have to let go. I’m breathless when I pull away. Sterling’s eyes are so bright right now. He has no idea how special his eyes are to me.
“Be safe, okay,” I say softly, because there’s really nothing else to say.
He nods and I rise on my toes, placing my hands on his shoulders to press a kiss to his cheek.
“Bye, Sterling.”
He doesn’t stop me when I walk away this time. I make it all the way to my front door before my eyes start to fill with tears, before my breathing starts to falter. I know he’s still standing there, but I don’t look back. I practically rip the door open in my haste to get inside.
And once I’m in, I slide down to the floor with gasping sobs, clutching my stomach. Anika’s at my side in the next second, sinking down beside me.
“Oh god, what’s wrong?” she questions, fear in her voice. “I was watching from the window. I saw that kiss. Why did it look like you were saying goodbye?”
“Because he’s leaving,” I manage to say, trying and failing to compose myself.
My sister rubs circles against my lower back comfortingly. We’re both still on the floor. It feels like I’ll never find the strength to stand again.
“I’m so sorry, Em,” Anika murmurs. “Please stop crying. I hate seeing you like this. If it hurts this much, ask him to stay.”
“I can’t,” I whisper.
She doesn’t say anything for a moment. I think she understands because she only hugs me tighter.
“You’ve got us, Emilia. It’ll be okay.”
“It won’t,” I tell her tearfully. “Because I’m pregnant, Anika. I’m pregnant with Sterling’s baby.”
That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud since I took the pregnancy test the day before. It makes it all the more real. And the weight of what I’m going to have to deal with alone is almost unbearable.
“What?” Anika practically screeches, pulling away to look me in the eye. “Are you sure?”
“I took a pregnancy test last night. It came out positive, so yeah. I’m pretty sure.”
“Then what are you doing crying here? Go to Sterling. If he knows you’re pregnant, then?—”
“I can’t do that,” I say, cutting her off. “This is all my fault.”
My sister frowns. “I’m pretty sure it takes two people to tango.”
“I messed up my birth control shots,” I mutter.
“It still takes two people to tango. This baby can’t be only your responsibility. And you can’t possibly be planning on keeping it away from Sterling forever.”
“Not forever. Just until he comes back,” I grit out.
“And if he doesn’t?”
My heart clenches. “Then I guess it’s forever.”
Anika’s expression crumples. “Emilia.”
“Just help me, please. I need you and everyone else in our family.”
“You know we’ll always be there for you,” she immediately reassures me. She hugs me again and I relish in the warmth. It helps to calm me down. “Always and forever, Emilia.”
Always and forever.
TWO YEARS LATER
The sound of a blender fills the kitchen in my brother’s apartment. I hurriedly rush to the sink to rinse the cup in my hands before rushing back to the blender, switching it off. I pour my smoothie in, relishing in the sweetness that explodes on my tongue.
“Emilia,” Carson calls from the living room, “you’re going to be late.”
“I know,” I yell back, grabbing my cup and walking over to meet him and the little bundle of joy he has in his arms.
They’re both seated on the couch. My daughter’s eyes are glued to the TV screen as her favorite cartoon plays. I’m not sure if she understands what they’re saying, but she seems to like the pictures.
“Her babysitter’s going be here in an hour so just help me with her until then.”
“Got it,” Carson states. “It’s fine. I don’t have to be in for work until later. We’ll be alright.”
“Okay, and you know where her food is, and make sure to warm up the milk before giving it to her.”
“Emilia. I’ve watched her an uncountable number of times. Would you quit being so anal and get going for your appointment?”
I blow out a breath. “Fine.”
Leaning down, I press a kiss against my daughter’s head before kissing Carson’s cheek as well.
“Bye. Love you both.”
“Oh, and one last thing, muffin,” Carson states, halting my steps. “Thought you should know Harrington’s back in Edenton.”
I choke on air, turning around to face my brother, who has on the most annoying smirk. He lifts my daughter in his arms, waving her tiny hands at me.
“Have a nice day at work, Mommy,” he says in a baby voice that only serves to piss me off. And then he switches up, sounding serious. “Your reckoning has arrived, little sister. Hope you survive it.”
Fuck my life.