Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“ I ’ll see you guys this evening. No hurry to get home, because the kids are getting off the bus here, and Amy and Jones will be around to give me a hand if I need it.
” Marjorie smiled at them as they walked off the porch, Evans holding tight to one hand and Serafina holding tight to the other.
Evans had turned two. He was becoming such a little boy and didn’t look like a baby at all anymore.
Charity sighed. She didn’t really miss the baby stage exactly, but in a way, she kind of did. Because he was getting more independent and needed her less and less. Of course, it was going to be years before he didn’t need her at all, but he definitely was becoming his own little independent man.
“They’re going to be fine,” Wilson said with a grin. “Has it been so long since we’ve been alone together that you’re nervous?”
“It has been several months, not including those few times that we’ve managed to sneak together while the kids were sleeping.”
They grinned together, knowing that they had gone out to the barn and worked on a tractor a couple of times, and he helped her bake after the kids had gone to sleep at night.
Several times during naptime, they’d go do some chores on the farm together as well, but this was the first time in a really long time that they were going out, just the two of them, and they had the whole day.
“So you said you had something planned?” he said as they got in the pickup.
“Yes, but since you’re driving, I can’t keep it a surprise until we get there. Unless you’re going to let me?”
“You can if you want to,” he said, smiling, as he started the pickup. But he didn’t put it into drive, as though waiting on her decree.
“I know you’ve wanted to go to the Winchester sale forever, and I found a restaurant that’s not very far from there. The sale starts at eleven, so we should have enough time to go eat and then mosey around, look at the animals, and see the whole thing.”
“Really? You want to spend the one day that we have together at the sale barn?” he asked, like he couldn’t believe it.
“Is that something you want to do?” she asked, although she knew he did. He’d mentioned several times about how much he missed going.
“I actually really would love to go, and I think you’ll enjoy it too. And I know that going with you will make it better than it’s ever been for me.”
“All right then. It’s settled.” She smiled, satisfied.
After all, he’d done so much for her, and every date had been about her.
She didn’t want this one to be about anything but him.
She’d even picked the steakhouse because she knew he liked those types of places.
All in all, she thought it was going to be an awesome day.
And she ended up being right. They had a good meal at the steakhouse when it opened at eleven and then enjoyed the auction, although Wilson lamented to her that he should have brought his stock trailer, because there were several heifers that he would like to have bid on.
She encouraged him to go ahead and do it, saying that they had plenty of time to go back and get the trailer and bring it back to pick them up that evening, but he declined.
They stayed until the auction was completely over and walked out of the building hand in hand.
“You know, I really appreciate you doing that. I… I guess there’s just something about the auction barn that I really love.”
“Even though you didn’t buy anything?” she asked, tilting her head and looking up at him, unable to contain the fact that she was very pleased with herself. She felt like maybe she’d finally done something that he enjoyed.
“Yeah, I don’t have to buy anything. It’s just the atmosphere. Getting together with other farmers, seeing what’s for sale, and thinking about all the things that I could do. I don’t know, I guess it inspires me.”
“Maybe the way looking at recipes online inspires me.” She smiled.
“Exactly.” He paused for a moment, checked the time, and then said, “We have some time, would you like to take a walk in the park that’s across the street?”
“I’d love to,” she said, and they headed in that direction. She hadn’t even realized there was a park there. It was pretty, with benches and a bubbling brook, and it felt peaceful and quiet and serene.
“The kids would love that,” she said, pointing to the jungle gym.
“I was just thinking they would love wading in the creek.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of sad that they went to school. I miss them.”
“I do too. I’m used to having them dogging my steps all day long, and now I turn around, and there’s no one there.”
“The little ones are with you some.”
“Yeah. And I really enjoy it. I like having them, but I do miss turning around and getting Gifford to grab me something or, I don’t know, he’s just a great help.”
“I’m happy to hear it. I hope he has a better year this year than he did last.”
“I hope so too,” he said as they stopped on a bridge, leaning against the railing. “But I think we fall into the trap of every other married couple. Talking about kids when we actually get some time alone.”
“We kind of do need to talk about them, but you’re right. We should talk about something else.”
They stared at each other, and there was a little voice in Charity’s head that whispered that she should tell him that they’d been married long enough that he could kiss her.
But then, her old fears took over and she thought maybe he didn’t want to, maybe he didn’t want a relationship like that, or maybe he wasn’t interested in her that way, and she kept her mouth closed.
Then, to her surprise, he lifted a hand up and brushed her hair back, the way he had back when they were first married. She couldn’t remember why he had done it then, but she closed her eyes now, just enjoying the feel of his hand on her skin and hair before it disappeared.
She opened her eyes and turned immediately and leaned on the railing.
She should say something, but she couldn’t think of what to say.
It was easier to talk when she was looking out over the water, so she didn’t turn her head but said the words that she’d been wondering for a while.
“Do you think you’ll ever be attracted to me?”
She held her breath. She told herself that she could take it if he said no, that she would rather have the truth than spend the rest of her life wondering.
There was silence, complete and total silence other than the babbling of the brook and an occasional chirping of a bird. The breeze lifted her hair, calm and serene. She thought about the good date they’d had and wondered why she had chosen to ruin it just now.
“I’m not sure what to say. I guess…what makes you think I’m not attracted to you?”
Wow. How could he think she thought that he was? Where did she begin? It was awkward to talk about, but she’d started it, and she wanted answers. She couldn’t be afraid to continue the conversation.
“You never touch me. You…don’t kiss me, we don’t sleep together.
I thought it was going to be a real marriage, but…
I’m not complaining. Please don’t think I am.
” She turned to look at him then, pleading on her face, because she really did love the relationship that they had, she just… wanted to be a wife too.
He stood staring at her, shock on his face, and then he shook his head, running a hand over his hair like he was agitated. He took one step forward, then turned around, away from her, like he was gathering his thoughts.
“It’s okay. I’m not angry. I’m not mad, and I’m not accusing you of anything, I just…
was hoping that maybe sometime in the future?
” She left the question open so that he could step in, hoping to make it easier for him to talk.
Maybe he could let her down gently, because she knew he wouldn’t want to hurt her.
He really did think a lot of her. She didn’t doubt that.
“So… You judge my attraction by how much I touch you? Whether or not I kiss you? Is that right?”
“Isn’t that how you show attraction?” she asked, her brows drawn down as she tried to meet his eyes, but he had one hand hooked around his neck and stared off in the sky.
“I guess it is.”
“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just saying.”
“When’s the last time you touched me? Kissed me? Am I to assume that you’re not attracted to me either?”
She stopped with her mouth open. And then, after opening and closing it a couple of times and feeling a bit like a fish, she finally said, “I wanted you to take the lead. I told myself that I wasn’t going to be forward and push you into anything you didn’t want.
You already were in a marriage that you didn’t want. ”
“I wanted it!” He turned around and said the words. They were loud, and perhaps several people who were sitting nearby turned their heads, but she barely paid attention.
“It wasn’t up to you. I know you did what God wanted.”
“No. I know that I said God wanted me to come, and He did, but I told you, I figured out that God wanted it because I needed it, not because you needed me.”
“Whatever, so you needed me. But you didn’t want me.”
“But I do now!”
“I do too.” She didn’t think they were arguing about whether or not they wanted to be married. “And I’m not confused about whether or not you’re going to stay with me. I know you will. You said you would, and I know you keep your word. That’s not what I was saying.”
“I know that wasn’t what you’re saying, but you were trying to say that I’m not attracted to you, and it’s not true.”
His words hung there, as both of them were quiet. Neither one of them saying anything as they stared at each other, the truth hanging in the air between them.
She tilted her head, wondering how to reconcile what he said. She knew he wouldn’t lie about what he actually did want. But they didn’t match up.