Chapter Twenty-Five Confessions
July 2022
Everyone was silent as they filed into CJ’s living room. CJ, Cindy, Christine, Alan, Ama, Lauren, and Agatha took their seats, while Olivia remained standing near the entryway.
“We should begin now,” CJ said, his voice still harsh with grief. “Lauren, why don’t you tell us what you know about Indigo?”
Lauren sighed. Her eyes, now wet, avoided CJ’s glare.
“I remember you now.” CJ shook his head. “You’re that girl who told Chris that Indigo killed herself.”
Lauren sniffed. “I still think it’s true. I—I’ll tell you everything I know.” She lifted her gaze. “I may have been off base about our... relations. But my bond with Indigo was real, and she was mentally ill.”
Christine stood and went to Lauren, her hand raised in the air poised for an attack.
“Oh, you can try, Christine. But I hit back,” Lauren warned.
Ama tutted. “Still the same old Christine.”
“Still the same old Ama,” Christine retorted, “sitting all pretty amid the chaos you’ve likely caused.”
“I don’t take kindly to false allegations. I’m here for my goddaughter. Since you clearly aren’t ready to be her grandmother.”
“Ladies,” Olivia interjected, “let’s please focus. Now, Lauren, Bree, or whatever you call yourself, you said that you were friends with my aunt Indigo?”
“I’m Lauren now. But yes. We were friends. Indigo was fun and sweet, but she felt like she was suffocating. She didn’t feel safe to be herself at home.”
“Don’t you dare... don’t you dare speak about my baby that way,” Christine interjected. “She was perfect. Absolutely perfect.” Tears lingered and dripped from her chin down to her collarbone.
Lauren shook her head. “Don’t you get it? No one’s perfect. Not you or me or my... scheming mother.” She pointed to Agatha. “But you made Indigo feel less than just because of her depression.”
Christine pointed a shaking finger. “You probably put those ridiculous thoughts in her head. You made her think that something was wrong with her.”
“No, she knew. She just didn’t think that you would help her. Even now you only think of yourself and keeping Highland Beach protected. But you wouldn’t even protect your own daughter. You never validated her feelings.”
“And did you?” Christine screamed.
“Yes! I encouraged her to talk to her father or CJ because I could already tell you wouldn’t help.”
“She tried to tell me,” CJ said, his voice thick with grief. “And I messed it all up. I should’ve found a better way to talk to Dad in private.”
“Don’t listen to this charlatan,” Christine sneered. “She doesn’t know a damn thing.”
“Oh really? I know you found her entry in her diary. You ripped it up and told her to never speak of it again.”
Olivia stepped forward. “What did the diary say, Christine?”
“Nothing, just... nothing,” Christine gasped.
“Mother, what did it say?” CJ’s dulled eyes were suddenly alert. “What did Indigo need from us?”
“She wanted to end her life,” Lauren announced. “And Christine told her to never share that with anyone.”
CJ’s knees buckled. He gripped the back of the chair. Olivia went to her father and shouldered his weight.
“Why would you say that?” Cindy whispered. “Why didn’t you get her help?”
“Maybe I’m not your family,” Lauren said. “And I’m sorry my mother swindled you for money. But I’m not lying when I tell you she wanted those waters to swallow her whole. Being in water was the only place she felt safe.” She rubbed her cheek before dropping her hand. “So there’s the truth.”
“Get out.” Christine’s eyes were dark. “Just... go. Away from this house. Away from my town.”
“You need to face the truth, Christine,” Lauren said. “You need to accept that Indigo died by suicide.”
“Get. Out.” Christine’s voice was ice cold. “Trust me, this is your last warning.”
“Oh, what, are you going to pay me off? Or... let me guess. Get someone from your precious platinum Rolodex to ruin my life?”
“You have no idea how deep my networks run. Singapore won’t be far enough for my wrath.”
Ama stood and reached for Lauren’s arm. “Let me walk you outside, cher.” Lauren begrudgingly responded to Ama’s tug on her arm. “You’ve shared what you needed to clear the pain in your heart.”
When Lauren nodded her agreement, Agatha followed the duo.
Lauren stopped in front of Olivia, near the door. “I’m sorry. Following you around, I never meant for you to feel stalked. Indigo would’ve hated me for that.”
“You were the one who took that photo?” Olivia finally realized.
Lauren nodded. “You were the most convenient way to topple the Jones family. But then the town came together and watched out for you. I am sorry. I never intended to cause you pain.”
Lauren’s eyes, still wet with tears, clearly reflected remorse. But there was one thing that Olivia couldn’t understand. One thing she couldn’t let go of.
“Did you even want to be mayor? Why... why go through all of this?”
Lauren closed her eyes. “When I returned five years ago, I had no intention of involving myself in politics. But I saw that Christine has done so much... things you’ll never know... in the name of keeping this place safe. And to me, CJ just let her do it. I thought things could be better with me as mayor. They won’t forget my behavior at the debate, so I will bow out of the election.”
She opened her eyes and nodded her head.
“But your father and grandmother do not deserve to lead this town. I hope CJ does the right thing.”
A lump formed in Olivia’s throat. Her family had a mountain of skeletons in their closet, and there would be a long road to healing between them and the other Highland Beach residents.
“I apologize as well.” Agatha’s soft voice grabbed Olivia’s attention. Lauren had the same large brown eyes as her mother. However, there was something else reflected in Agatha’s eyes. Something that looked more like embarrassment than regret. “I shouldn’t have encouraged my daughter to befriend Indigo. And I should have listened when she...” Agatha looked at Lauren, her eyes glistening with tears. “...when you told me that Indigo was hurting. Perhaps hearing this from another adult would have resulted in something different.”
Christine didn’t listen to her own son about Indigo,Olivia thought, but kept it to herself. “I accept both of your apologies. But Christine is right... you should go.” Olivia looked at Ama and said, “I’ll meet you outside in a few.”
“I’ll be waiting, my beautiful girl.” Ama shut the door behind them, but Olivia could still hear the whispered conversation. “Indigo can rest now. And so should you.”
“She was all alone... and those rumors. They were so bad.”
Ama’s soothing tone faded as the three women moved away from the door.
“I need you to leave, too, Mother.” CJ’s hard voice grabbed Olivia’s attention.
“Charles, I—”
“There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”
Christine slumped into a chair. “You don’t understand.”
CJ slammed his fist against the coffee table. “She could be with us! Right now. She could meet my daughter. And she would’ve... would’ve forced me to chase Cindy to the corners of the world. Indigo was our heartbeat.” He gasped for breath.
“P-people like her...like us... they don’t treat us well. They send us away, shock us, until we tell them what they want to hear.”
Shock?Olivia frowned at her grandmother’s words, thinking she’d heard her incorrectly. They didn’t shock people anymore.
CJ slapped the air with his hand. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Dad.” Olivia helped lower him to his chair. “Let her speak.”
“Fine. But only for your sake.” CJ clamped his mouth shut.
“You said ‘send us away’?” Olivia asked, her voice gentle.
“They did that to m-me. My own father sent me away. Mother, she was hard, but she didn’t want me far. She thought she could help me on her own. But Daddy said no. So they sent me to New York. They shaved my hair. They put this thing in my mouth, made me clamp down, and they h-hurt me. I cried... every day I cried for my mother and my father... but they’d never come.”
Olivia’s heart broke for the woman in front of her.
“So I couldn’t do that to my baby. I couldn’t let her go away from my sight. They do... a-all sorts of things... hurt you to make you feel good. Feel normal. But I still felt so bad. Until one day I didn’t feel at all.”
Alan passed her a tissue and pulled her into his arms. “It’s not your fault, sweetheart. Like many others, you’re living with a mental illness.” When Olivia saw that he didn’t seem surprised by Christine’s admission, she realized her grandmother had at least had one person to confide in.
“You thought you were protecting Indigo?” Olivia whispered, almost to herself.
“Christine... Mom... why didn’t you tell me?” CJ asked.
“Because talking about it makes me sad. And if I allow myself to be sad, then I can’t get out of that dark place.” She exhaled. “So that door must stay firmly shut. I can be angry, and passionate, and happy, but I can’t let myself go there again. I...”
“I understand trying to make yourself numb the pain.” Olivia stepped closer to her grandmother. “I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much.” Especially with her parents.
Christine sighed. “There are medicines that help. I take them. And when they become ineffective, I go on vacation. Out of the country preferably. I manage just fine. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t feel sorry for you, Christine. But I am sorry for what I said to you about Indigo,” Cindy apologized.
“I’m sorry as well. I should have never turned my anger on the two of you.” Christine stood. “I think I’m going to need to take another vacation.”
She stood and took a step toward CJ. He slid away from her touch. “Charles, I’m so sorry. I know now that I ruined your life. I ruined Indigo’s, too, indirectly. But know that I love you... all of you... so much.”
CJ leveled a stare at his mother. “I’m sorry about your childhood. I’m sorry about my part in what happened to Indigo. But I refuse,” he said, looking at Olivia, “to live with regret. So I forgive you. And I’m going to work on forgiving myself, too. And yes, I think it would be best for you to take that vacation. Right now, I need my family. My daughter and the love of my life.”
Christine nodded, her tears silently showcasing her sorrow. Alan patted CJ’s back, then took his wife’s arm, and together they walked outside.
After the door closed, Olivia looked at her parents and exhaled. “I need to speak to Ama.” She stepped outside to find Ama on the front porch sitting on a navy Adirondack chair.
Olivia nearly didn’t ask her question. But she squared her shoulders, tilted her head back, and took aim.
“You called Agatha.”
“Cher, can you grab my bottle of wine out of the car? In fact, bring the cooler.”
“Ama...”
“This isn’t a dry conversation. Trust me.” Ama removed the keys for her rental and let them dangle from her pink fingertips.
Olivia followed instructions and grabbed the cooler before returning to a now-empty house for wineglasses.
She poured the wine, a beautiful pink rosé, and handed a glass to Ama, still seated on the porch.
“CJ and Cindy aren’t inside. They’re probably by the pool in the backyard. So we should have some modicum of privacy. So tell me, Ama: What happened?”
“I did find Agatha,” she confessed. “When I discovered Lauren changed her name—Miles is her last name now, too—I grew curious. I found her people, which... wasn’t much. It’s been just her and her mother for a long time. But even lone branches have deep roots. So I followed those roots, and I found Helen.”
“Frederick Douglass’s second wife. Did she...” Olivia swallowed past the lump of fear in her throat. “Is it true?”
“Is what true, cher? If you want the answer, you must ask the question.”
“Are they related to us?”
“Agatha and Lauren are related to Helen.”
“Are they...” Olivia’s throat closed. For some unknown reason, tears stung her eyes. She couldn’t do it. She was afraid of the truth.
Ama leaned over and reached out her small brown hand to squeeze Olivia’s hand. “I contacted some friends, but I also did my research. And you know what was the most interesting thing I learned?”
“What?” Olivia whispered.
“Anna Murray Douglass. That woman was strong. Resilient. Scrutinized in ways that I could never understand. For the color of her dark skin. Her illiteracy. Those white folks wanted someone great for Frederick Douglass. But he already had it in Anna.” Ama sipped her wine.
“But then she died, and he married Helen. I understand loss. And heartbreak. But I also understand opening your heart to love again. And I’m sure she was a fine woman in her own way, but she wasn’t Anna. Just like Carter isn’t Omar.
“Anna Murray Douglass bore five children, some of whom moved on to do great things. Anna provided a refuge for slaves as they ran for freedom on the Underground Railroad. She took care of her family’s house and money. Anna was the reason Frederick could gain freedom.”
Olivia’s heart soared with pride. “She was an abolitionist.”
“That she was, cher. I don’t want to give another minute of thought to conspiracy theories and secret babies and family lines.”
Olivia refilled their glasses. “Let’s have a toast for Anna.”
Ama’s laugh was deep and rich and absolutely perfect. “To Anna.”
“To Anna,” Olivia repeated.
People rarely celebrated or lauded the courage of Frederick Douglass’s first wife in helping her husband to freedom. But Anna Murray’s story was a familiar tale for many women, especially Black women who endeavored to put their family’s needs above their own and whose work and accomplishments were often diminished. But what made the disregard for Anna’s accomplishments painfully ironic was that her legacy, which was always focused on the advancement of Black people, suffered because she could not read as well as her husband.
But at the end of the day, whose fault was that?
Olivia closed her eyes, silently thanking her ancestor.
“Her strength and her fierceness live in you, Olivia.”
“I know. I feel it.” Olivia scanned the horizon, only now noticing the setting sun.
“Ama?”
“Yes, cher.”
“What if I wanted to know the truth about Lauren’s family heritage?”
“I would’ve reached into my purse and handed you an envelope with the results from my trusted source. Even I don’t know the truth.” Ama sighed. “The sun is going down. I should get back to my hotel room.”
“You can stay here.”
“Oh no, cher. I don’t think that would be appropriate... given... everything.”
“Omar and Chris.”
“Yes. It was hard enough to come here. The only reason I did was because I didn’t trust that Lauren-slash-Bree character. But she’s all right. Just a little lost.”
“I’m just glad it’s all over. I feel like I can breathe again.”
“Well, take in all the air you need. I’ve got a feeling you’ll be needing to brace yourself.”
Olivia’s hand shook so much she spilled her wine. “You’ve found out something else about my family?”
Ama patted her knee and stood. “No. Just some unfinished business. No harm will come to you, I promise,” she said, walking toward her car.
“Ama, what did you do?” she called to her godmother’s back.
She paused in her walk down the pathway and spun around. “What I’ve always done, cher. Made sure you have the best and brightest future. I’ll always watch over you.”