21. Hunter
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
HUNTER
S tanding out on the deck, I grip the banister and stretch my legs, staring into the yellowing trees. What the fuck is this feeling ? Regret ? No . I don’t regret anything about last night, except for wishing it would have happened sooner. She—we— us . Being together in that way was beyond words. Electric. Kismet. It felt right, no matter the ambiguous feeling in my gut right now. I can’t ever go back to what life was like before knowing how it feels to be with Ashlie, and I wouldn’t want to go back, even if I could.
“What did you do?” The door slams behind Chase, and I turn as he stalks toward me, dressed in gym clothes. So much for my solo run .
“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask, my eyes falling to the ground. I’m not offering any information if I don’t have to.
“You know what the hell I’m talking about, man. Did you kiss her? Sleep with her? What?”
“Can you talk any louder? I don’t think the bears heard you.”
“Hunter.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “What are you thinking ? You know your sister’s going to lose it on you. That’s her best friend.”
“Naw, Kayla’s not gonna lose it because you’re not telling her. Now are we running or what?”
“Or what.” He nudges my shoulder and jogs down the dirt covered path, not bothering to wait for me to join him. “You’re telling me what happened on the trail,” he calls.
I set up the music in my earbuds, heavy bass blasting so loud it liquifies my thoughts as I catch up to Chase. We both grew up running on track teams, but he stopped after high school while I ran throughout college. He’s good at distance, but I’m faster and able to catch up to him in a couple of minutes. The spongy trail is only a few miles long, so we jog side-by-side until we spot a glade covered in copper and rust-colored leaves. Trees surround the clearing, branches clinging to their last signs of warmer weather. Like we’ve got some kind of internal competition meter, Chase and I glance at each other and take off for the clearing. I let him gain the lead for a few seconds, playing mind games to make him think he’s bested me. But right before we get to the end of the trail, I push with everything I have to edge forward. I slip out an earbud, grinning ear to ear as the annoyance on Chase’s face melts into amusement.
“You tricked me,” he says, breathing hard as he crosses his arms over his head.
“Naw, you got rusty. Don’t blame me.” I grab my hips, gulping the mountain air. We slowly pace around the clearing, letting our breathing slow.
“So, what is this?” Chase asks after a while. “Ash is strictly into relationships.”
“I know that!” I snap. He whistles, recognition falling across his face, and my eyes dart to the ground.
“Oh, you like- like her.” He chuckles as he pieces it all together. “Wait, look at me again. Let me see it in your face.”
“Bruh, fuck off.” I try to knock his arm with my elbow, but he dodges out of the way, laughing.
“Ooh, you’ve got it bad. I don’t even know the last time you were into someone. So spill it. What happened last night?”
“A lot… Everything.”
His eyes widen. “Like, everything -everything?”
“What are you, a parrot? Yes, everything . She initiated it, but I didn’t put a stop to it. And she wanted to sweep it all under the rug this morning, but I’m—I can’t stop thinking—I…”
“You’re—wait… Are you in love with Ashlie?” All the teasing humor has left his face as he watches me. I don’t admit it right away. The thought of saying it out loud makes me want to crawl out of my skin and find a bear cave to hide in. “Are you, man?”
Leaning against a tree trunk, I look up through the barren branches and nod.
“ Oh, shit !” Chase whistles. “Dude, that’s… I mean, it’s big. Uh… Does she know?”
“Hell no. No one knows…except Willa.”
“Hold on. You told her estranged sister before you told me? Should I be offended?” He whacks my shoulder, trying to lighten the serious tone our conversation has taken.
“Naw, I didn’t tell Willa. She figured it out on her own.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing.” I shrug, rubbing the back of my neck. “Ash wants to pretend like last night never happened, so that’s what we’re doing.”
“I’m confused. You love her, but you don’t want to be with her?”
“I…can’t. You said it yourself; she doesn’t do casual flings, and we all know I can’t do serious relationships.”
“Eh… You can . You just won’t.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Just that you’d much rather cut and run before anyone gets too close to you. You call it ‘avoiding unnecessary drama,’ but it’s really your fear of being abandoned holding you back. You’ve been this way since your parents’ divorce.” He shrugs, waiting for my reaction. When I don’t say anything, he continues, “Look, take my advice or don’t, but if you’re really doing nothing about this Ashlie thing, you’ve got to leave her alone. All the way alone. If you can’t offer a stable commitment to her, you need to shut this down and let her find someone who can. If you really love her, you need to guard her happiness, even if it means protecting her from yourself.”
I puff out a breath. How do I reconcile my best friend’s wisdom with the way I feel after last night? He’s not wrong about any of it—me, my fear, Ashlie. It’s all true, which makes my feelings surrounding our time together even harder to deal with. I love her. I’ve loved her for years, but I have to bury this and let her move on. We can be friends, and I can keep loving her quietly while I hide in my little corner of commitment issues. “You’re right,” I say. “She deserves more. I can’t give her what she needs.”
“Great. Yeah… So this is probably a good time to tell you that she and Trev are going on a date later today.”
“The hell? Trevor? Why?”
Chase laughs, shaking his head. “What do you mean ‘why’? He likes her, and Kayla’s been trying to set them up for months.”
“Naw, fuck that!” Heat courses through my body, my head pounding at the thought of Ashlie and Trevor together. I have to sit and watch her go off with that asswipe ? I curl my fingers into fists, cracking my knuckles as I try to contain the jealous rage bubbling under the surface. It’s an unusual feeling for me. The women I’ve been with have never elicited jealousy; they don’t last long enough to matter. Ashlie is a different story. My eyebrows knit, and just as quickly fall as my face morphs into a display of the emotions filtering through me. Chase laughs again and claps my shoulder. “Are you screwing with me?” The brash question erupts out of me, but he takes it in stride.
“Nope. But based on your reaction, you might want to reconsider the whole ‘letting her go’ thing.”
“Is that why he’s here? They have a thing? Why wouldn’t you tell me they have a thing?”
“Hey, don’t blame me”—he holds up his palms, backing up toward the trail—“I just found out about your thing. Maybe don’t keep me in the dark next time.”
I curse under my breath when he takes off and slip the buds in my ears, hoping the beat will drown out the noise in my head. When I make it back to the deck, Chase is stretching against the railing.
“Hey, Hunt…”
“ What ?” I breathe out, exasperated by him and this entire conversation. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through every conflicting emotion in the last forty-five minutes.
“People aren’t always going to leave you, man. Don’t miss out on life because you’re scared of the what-ifs. Happiness is worth the risk.” He claps me on the shoulder and walks inside the lodge, leaving me to sort out the tangled thatch of thoughts in my head.