46. Ashlie
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
ASHLIE
I shouldn’t be up here . I’m supposed to be grabbing napkins from the downstairs storage room, but I couldn’t resist this little detour upstairs. The sheer curtains around the French window, the light blue seashell paintings, the bed covered with the same tufted ivory comforter—I take in all of it.
With the ceremony tomorrow, Chase and Kayla requested a wedding party breakfast at The Bluffs Estates. I haven’t seen Hunter yet, but standing in this room full of memories—the place where everything started years ago—makes me realize how much I’ve missed him. It’s been a special kind of misery, so I’m allowing myself to replay all the things about that night and everything else.
Among last-minute wedding touches this week, I’ve had a panic attack, an emergency virtual therapy appointment, and several pep-talks with Kayla about seeing Hunter for the first time. She offered to help me come up with a plan, but I wanted to see if I could do it on my own. Now, I’m not feeling so confident.
My therapy work has centered on being open about my worries: from the unease related to work and my future, to my fear of disappointment and feeling unworthy. Hunter deserves to know what he’s signing up for before we jump into a relationship. I’ve stressed over the best way to talk to him after the wedding, considered contacting him beforehand too. Typed and erased dozens of texts. Hovered my thumb over the phone icon until it cramped. Abandoned an email or three. But none of it felt good enough. Anything other than face-to-face is a copout.
I’ve made progress, but still don’t feel like there’s been enough to keep from ruining everything. Hell, asking for this break instead of leaning on him might have already messed it all up. I thought I needed to suffer through this on my own, that having an anxiety disorder was a moral failing—but I don’t, and it’s not. Working on myself and being with Hunter aren’t mutually exclusive.
“You good?”
I jump out of my skin. “God, Hunter! You scared me.”
“Sorry.” His mouth curls on one side, and my heart aches as I realize I’ve missed that too. “Did you, uh, find what you were looking for in there?” He nods toward the room as he settles against the doorframe.
“I wasn’t looking for anything. I was just…remembering.” Guppies glide around the nerves swirling in my belly as I study my shoes. Seeing him again, being this close, it’s more intimidating than I thought it would be.
“Yeah… I did that myself when I got in last night.”
Flicking my eyes back to his, I expect that telltale smirk, assuming there’s some sly innuendo in his response. Instead, he’s looking down as he toes the threshold. He taps his phone against his thigh, the silence growing thick around us.
Now’s your chance .
“Hunt—”
“—Ash”
We both laugh nervously. I’d be surprised if he can’t hear my heart hammering in my chest. “You go,” I say, rocking back on my heels.
“No…you.” His eyes lock to mine, the weightlessness of being pulled back into his orbit wrapping around me. I’ve missed you . I’m sorry . I love you .
His phone buzzes, and he glances at it immediately, the way he used to before we made a mess of things.
“You’re popular…” I grimace at my awkward teasing attempt.
“Naw, it’s my mom…”
“Your mom ?” What happened in the last few weeks that has him talking to his mom ?
He shrugs, typing something out on his phone before slipping it in his pocket. “Yep. We’re…working on it.”
“That’s a big development. Is it a good thing?”
“Eh.” He chuckles, tipping his hand back and forth. “I don’t really know yet, but it’s something. My therapist told me to take it slow.”
My head juts back in surprise. “Therapist?”
“Yeah. Turns out I’m not so great at talking about my feelings….” His face pinches, his gaze dropping to the ground.
Yeah, me neither . “That’s really great, Hunt.”
His eyes slowly find mine until they’re boring straight through me. “Things change.”
“Yeah…” I whisper. The uncomfortable tension between us is almost too much to bear. This isn’t us. Small talk, nervous laughter—it feels unnatural. We’re talking, sure, but the longer we do, the harder it is to address the fact that I messed everything up with him. Taking a deep breath, I clench my fists to ground myself, hoping the right words will come out when I open my mouth. Do it scared, Ashlie .
“Ashlie!” Willa calls from downstairs. “Did you find them? Everyone’s waiting.”
Whatever confidence that deep breath just gave me flies right out the window. “I should go…” I say without looking at Hunter. I feel his gaze, but the thought of looking back into those green eyes when I just chickened out feels too embarrassing right now. Slipping past him, I hurry down the stairs, chasing after the courage that fled as soon as I saw his face. I think I need to take Kayla up on her offer.
Affirmation: I have friends who support me when I ask for help .
The weathered wood around Patti’s Place gives a rustic feel to the cheery blush place settings. We’ve finished the rehearsal part of the evening, and now everyone’s mingling while enjoying dinner at the diner.
Willa sidles up next to me at the punch bowl, camera slung around her neck. She eyes Hunter across the room. “Have you talked to him yet?”
This is the third time she’s asked me today, and it’s not making this any easier. Keeping my eyes on the sparkling drink in my hand, I play dumb. “Who?”
“You know who.” She squints at me, then tosses another look over her shoulder. “The guy who should be your date tonight. The one we spent all morning coming up with a plan for.”
“Oh, him. Nope.” I shake my head and take a sip.
“Why not? And why is Trevor staring at you too? I thought that was done with,” she whispers, looking back and forth between me and the guys at the table.
“Because I’m scared, okay? You happy?” Scared doesn’t come close to describing how I feel right now, especially after losing my nerve this morning. I failed. But I’m learning failure isn’t the problem. It’s what you do afterward that defines who you are. Ready or not, I need to have this conversation tonight or I won’t do it at all.
“This is messier than it was befo?—”
“Trevor’s just a friend. And he’s not looking at me, he’s looking at you ,” I say, enjoying the way her eyes bug out of her head. He asked me a week ago if I’d be okay with him pursuing her, and I wished him luck. “He’s been trying to talk to you all weekend.”
“ Me ? Why the hell is he looking at me?” Willa scrunches her face and takes another furtive glance at the table, snapping her head back so fast her hair whips my arm. “Is that why he keeps asking for a chess game rematch? I’m not his type at all .”
One peek at Trevor’s eyes on her has me giggling. “But is he yours?”
She shakes her head, but her mouth pops open and closed like a fish gasping for air. I leave that planted seed to fester and walk across the room. Willa finally broke up with her douchey boyfriend. She’s long overdue for a good man in her life. One who moves slowly and doesn’t get discouraged easily. After watching Trevor try to chat her up all day, I can see the two of them happening. With Willa’s independence, I doubt she even noticed all of his effort. But I bet she’ll notice now.
I slide into my chair next to Trevor right as Chase’s dad, Russell, cracks a joke that has everyone laughing. His once blond hair is completely gray now, smile wrinkles deepening on his ivory face as he titters with everyone else. Across the table from me, Hunter leans back in his seat. His eyes flick to mine with a smirk before looking back at Russell. Just that fast, my insides are flitter-flopping like a month hasn’t passed.
“Hunter, I’m surprised you don’t have a date this weekend,” Russell says. “That’s unlike you.”
“Yeah, well, the one I wanted wasn’t ready.” Hunter looks right at me, and so does everyone else when they realize it. Clearing my throat, I reach for my drink to cool the heat rising up my neck. The quiet chuckle under his breath is loud as hell to my ears, though I doubt anyone else heard it. “I’m gonna grab another drink. Anyone need anything?” Hunter asks, standing from the table. I finally release my breath as he strolls across the room.
There’s movement beside me, but I’m too flustered to realize Trevor’s stood up and Kayla’s taken his place until she says, “Hey, girl, you ready?” She puts her hand on mine, pulling me back into the moment. “Here’s the key. Do you know what you’re going to say?”
I bite my thumbnail and shake my head. “No. But I have to try.”
“Just be honest. With him and with yourself.” She squeezes my hand and smiles. “And if you come out of there single, I’m disowning both of your ridiculous asses. Now go. I’ll handle the rest.”
I smooth my dress nervously as I walk behind the counter. When I unlock the supply room, and the noises from the party disappear, I breathe a sigh of relief. This reprieve is exactly what the doctor ordered. The napkins and straws transition into a sandy beach when I close my eyes. In through the nose, out through the mouth . My breathing mantra loops until I feel calm and clearheaded. It’s now or never, and I have a few more minutes to decide what I want to say.
Affirmation: I believe in myself .