Chapter 18
“I’m going to have a baby.”
Nathan froze in a state horror-filled petrification for several seconds as he processed Tara’s words.
Finally, the statis broke as his brain blared alarms and he went into crisis mode. He tried to jump off the bed, but ended up sort of rolling off the side, falling on his ass.
“Nathan!”
Tara leaned over, and he almost head-butted her as he scrambled to his feet. “I just electrocuted you! I just…I electrocuted a baby?”
His skin was numb, the edges of his vision had gone gray, and white noise had replaced any intelligible thoughts.
He was going to vomit. Or pass out. Maybe both.
“Nathan, no, wait?—”
“Obstetrician,” he blurted out. “I think one of the other Doms is an obstetrician. I heard him talking about baby stuff in the parking lot.” Nathan skidded around the bed, grabbing for his pants. “The sneakerhead. What’s his name?”
Tara was on her knees in the middle of the mattress shaking her head. She reached for him, her fingers just brushing his arm as he raced for his clothes. He felt sick at what he’d just done to a pregnant lady.
And not just any pregnant lady. Tara. His Tara.
She’ll be a great mom.
That thought made him pause, because while it was true, it was seriously unhelpful right now.
“Nathan, look at me.”
“I’m going to go get a doctor. Then I’ll take you to the hospital. Maybe they have an ultrasound machine here. Is ultrasound a kink?” The words came out so fast that they ran together.
Tara lunged, wrapping her arms around him. He grunted as she managed to pin his arms at his sides, her face pressed against his shoulder blade. Tara tugged once, and he resisted. He needed to go find her a doctor.
Tara slid off the bed, still hugging him. As she pressed against his back, he swallowed hard as emotion slammed through him.
With a grunt, she threw herself backward onto the bed, still holding him. The move was so unexpected that he lost his balance and fell with her. He ended up with his feet on the floor, his upper body half on the mattress, half on Tara.
“Nathan, I’m not pregnant,” she wheezed.
The ringing in his ears subsided. Tara wiggled out from under him. Kneeling, she braced her hands on his shoulders and leaned over, her dark hair a closed curtain around their faces.
“I’m not pregnant.” She smiled but it was tinged with sadness. “I’m sorry I phrased it that way.”
She wasn’t pregnant. The sick dread in his stomach eased, and he took his first real deep breath.
“I’m not pregnant,” she said again.
“Shit, Tara. I thought I’d just electrocuted a baby.”
“I know you know that’s not how that would have worked.” Tara’s tone was a lovely combination of exasperated and amused. “Even if I were currently pregnant.”
“Don’t try and be logical while I’m having a fucking heart attack.” Nathan was only half joking.
Her lips twitched up into a true smile. “I’m sorry I gave you a heart attack.”
Nathan sat up, Tara easing back as he did, though she kept her hands on his shoulders. He turned to face her, pulling one knee up on the bed. As his panic subsided, the questions started to pile up.
“Okay, I might still be having a heart attack.” Nathan rubbed his chest, and though he was again trying to make a joke to break the tension, his heart was still beating too fast from the panic. “But I will acknowledge that you didn’t actually say you were pregnant. You said you’re having a baby. Adopting?”
Tara switched from kneeling to sitting cross-legged, the robe gaping open to reveal her inner thighs before she tucked her linked hands into the well of space between her legs.
“No. I’m going to get pregnant, I’m just not currently pregnant. And because of that, I’m leaving Las Palmas.”
Nathan considered himself both eminently logical, and a quick thinker, but this conversation made him feel like a ping-pong ball bounced between paddles.
“Tara, maybe it’s the lingering adrenaline in my system making me stupid, but I do not understand. You’re going to have a baby, but aren’t pregnant or adopting.”
What was he missing?
Tara closed her eyes, inhaling. He tried to give her time and space to gather her words, but his thoughts were still whirling.
“You’re planning to try and get pregnant? I thought you weren’t seeing anyone? And what the hell does any of that have to do with your membership?”
She let out a slow breath and opened her eyes, holding his gaze with calm focus. “I realized a few years ago that I wanted to be a parent.” Her tone was the confident, measured one she used when explaining something scientific.
“I’d always figured I’d have children, assuming my partner wanted them,” she continued. “But well, we went over our dating difficulties. I thought about looking for someone who was specifically interested in settling down and having children.”
“Breeding kink.” The words slipped out before he could stop them.
Tara scowled at him, and Nathan barked out a laugh. “Sorry, sorry. That just slipped out…” But now he felt more normal, the laugh dispelling the last of his own tension, even as hers mounted.
Nathan watched her face, reading what she wasn’t saying. Her words felt almost rehearsed, as if she’d already presented this explanation several times.
“I thought about it, but decided not to join that dating app for people who want to settle down. I realized that timing-wise, I’d have to go from meeting someone to getting pregnant with them really quickly.
“So, I decided to be a single parent.”
“Sperm donation,” he said, feeling stupid he hadn’t figured it out. Watching her, he was sure the decision had come with a heavy emotional cost, but there was no evidence of it in her expression or voice.
“Yes. Sperm donation. I went to a fertility clinic. I did four rounds of IUI—inter-uterine insemination—with no results. They told me when I first came to the clinic that given my age, my best option was IVF, but I was sure that the IUI would work.”
Finally, some emotion leaked into her words. Tara had never failed at anything in her life. She was brilliant, hardworking, and stubborn. In the twenty years he’d known her, he’d watched her set aspirational, if technically attainable, goals and reach them every time.
“Did they know why the IUI didn’t work?” He wished he had his phone so he could do a quick search for details about these procedures.
“Most of the testing is blood tests and ultrasounds, and mine were all okay. Well, appropriate for a woman my age. There are a lot of variables, but it wasn’t unrealistic to think IUI would work.”
“I didn’t mean to say it was. I don’t know anything about this. I have heard of IVF. That’s the frozen embryo one, right?”
“If you’re lucky, yes, you end up with viable embryo.”
“Wait, so you have a frozen embryo and they’re going to put it in you.” He gestured vaguely at her abdomen, as he tried to picture how exactly it all worked.
Tara stared at him for a blank moment, then burst out laughing. “You suddenly look like you have absolutely no idea what a naked woman looks like, let alone how female anatomy functions.”
“Remember, I just thought that I had my electrified dick inside your pussy while you were pregnant, potentially zapping the shit out of your fetus.”
“Still not how that would have worked.”
“Me and my heart attack don’t care about logic.”
“Okay, I’ll accept that.” Her lips twitched. “But to answer your question, no. I don’t have an embryo.” She stared down at where she’d jammed her hands between her thighs. “Yet.”
Sensing she needed a minute, Nathan remained externally silent. Inside, his thoughts jump around, as a wild hope started to form deep in his gut.
She looked up, shoulders braced as if she were expecting him to react badly to whatever she said next. “I start my four-month IVF cycle next month. I stop my birth control when I start my next period. That’s step one. I start prescription medication a few weeks after that.”
The timeline shocked him. This was all happening now. Right now.
“I got the go-ahead to try an IVF cycle about six weeks ago, after some additional tests. I took a few weeks to think about whether or not I was really going to do this, especially because my insurance isn’t covering any of it, so best-case scenario it’s $30,000.”
He choked on his own spit, staring at her eyes wide.
Tara grimaced. “More realistically probably going to be closer to fifty, due to the advanced genetic testing I’ve opted for.”
“Shit,” Nathan breathed.
“One of the things I decided to do was to give up my Las Palmas membership.”
“Because of the cost.”
“Partially. But also, because I don’t think that I want to come here and submit to some random Dom once I’m a mom.” She held up her hands, head shaking, as if he’d reacted badly, though he hadn’t reacted at all. “I know. I know there are plenty of people who are both kinky and parents. I’m just saying that for me, especially as a single parent, I don’t think I’m going to be able to give up control enough to submit.”
She finally looked up from her hands, but her smile trembled. He could see the muscles in her chin quivering as she fought some heavy emotion. “Knowing I was leaving is why I agreed to this.” She gestured between them. “I don’t think I would have been okay with spending just one weekend with you, and then seeing you with other subs.”
Nathan went very still. I don’t think I would have been okay with spending just one weekend with you, and then seeing you with other subs.
That implied she believed, even before they touched, that they’d be good together. She’d just said the quiet part out loud.
Nathan stared at his best friend, the realization he’d been desperately ignoring finally crashing through to the forefront of his thoughts.
He was falling in love with her.
He already loved Tara—how could he not after 20 years as friends—but he was on the cusp of being in love with her. He wanted to be her Master and her husband and…and the father of her children.
Nathan silently had a second heart attack as his world tilted on its access, thanks to the revelation.
“This weekend was a last hurrah. My last time in the club. My last drink for a while. Last sex.”
That brought his thoughts to a screeching halt. “What do you mean last sex?”
“After everything I said, that’s what you’re stuck on?”
He arched his brows, refusing to be distracted.
“Once I start the prep month medications, no sex.”
“So you don’t accidentally get pregnant?”
“That and so I don’t end up with ovarian torsion, which can be caused by exercise, sex, and even repetitive twisting motions.”
Nathan resisted the urge to grab his balls to protect them from torsion. “Oh shit.”
“Need money. No sex for months. Not going to be submissive anymore.” She shrugged helplessly, and for a moment she seemed young, the girl he’d first met still inside the woman sitting in front of him. “Hence, leaving Las Palmas.”
Nathan needed a minute to finish processing his emotional revelation, and figure out how he was going to tell her.
“I was going to tell you,” she said after a moment, “about the IVF, because I was thinking of asking you to be my ride to and from the surgery.”
“Wait, surgery?”
“To retrieve the eggs. It’s conscious sedation, but I can’t drive myself home. Right now, I haven’t told anyone what I’m doing. I don’t want anyone to suffer through the emotional roller coaster with me. I’ll tell people either once I get pregnant, or when I stop trying. But I need a ride to and from surgery. And I figured…well I’m always comfortable with you.”
Nathan stared at her, heart beating hard against his ribs, and this time it wasn’t an anxiety-induced heart attack.
Tara gathered her hair over one shoulder, twisting it into a rope with a practiced flip.
“Sorry, I guess my filters are still down.” She frowned down at her lap. “And I’m realizing we might need a break after this. Spend some time apart so we can…reset. It won’t be for a few months, but still, I’ll ask someone else.”
That broke him from the stasis that had taken hold.
Nathan reached out, grabbed Tara, and hauled her against him. The position was awkward until they got their legs sorted out, but in the end, he had her where he wanted her—snuggled up against him.
At first, she was tense, but after long minutes of stroking her back, Tara relaxed against him.
“Is it just submission?” he asked.
She sat up, but only enough so she could meet his gaze. “What?”
“I mean, you can have kink without any power exchange. The D is only one of the four letters in BDSM.”
“I… After everything I just told you, that’s what you want to ask?” Her lips twitched.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” She frowned. “I…yes. Yes, I’d have kinky sex, as long as I trusted them. I worry that without the pressure of the power exchange, my partner might hurt me, himself, or both of us. Or I might slip into submission once the cuffs were on.” She grimaced. “So maybe I’m changing my answer. Vanilla sex only.”
Nathan didn’t bother to hide his horrified expression, and she grimaced.
“You don’t trust that your hypothetical husband would care enough about you to do some googling before trying something kinky.”
“Husband? Who said anything about a husband?”
He had, because he wanted to be her husband.
But he couldn’t say that now. They were still in aftercare, and by her own admission, her defenses were down.
No, he’d have to wait to tell her that after loving her for decades, he was now falling in love with her. She needed time before hearing that he was sure the only reason they weren’t already together was that their timing was terrible, and that at a certain point, protecting their friendship became more important than gambling on what they could have.
He wanted to be her husband, her kinky lover, her partner in raising a child.
Maybe they could save money and use his sperm…
He laughed at that, mostly because he was imagining her face when he made the joke. She looked up from where she was snuggled against him.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing.”
Her gaze narrowed.
“How long after birth before you’d be up for a gang bang?” he asked, blinking innocently.
Tara choked on air as she sat up, staring at him.
“Okay, not gang bang. Not really. Triple penetration. That’s our last item. Timing-wise, it sounds like we’ll have to wait until after the baby.”
“I’m— It’s not— You?—”
“You gotta finish a sentence, baby.”
Her breath caught, face softening when he called her baby, but she shook her head. “I’m not playing the game anymore. I’m leaving. I’m done.”
She wasn’t leaving. They were leaving. He didn’t need the club if he had her. Also, a triple penetration scene was pure hypothetical. He wasn’t going to let two other men fuck his wife. Unless she was into it. If she made that needy noise…
A vivid image of Tara looking up at him, his cock in her mouth as two other men fucked her pussy and ass, had his dick twitching.
“If you want to do a triple penetration scene, we have to do it now,” she declared.
“No. We’re done.”
There was a shock of hurt in her gaze before she lowered her lashes, and Nathan realized how that would have sounded for her.
“With D/s. We’re both done with D/s.”
“For the weekend,” she said slowly, eyes darting over his face, brows drawn together as if she were trying to solve a problem. “I mean, for you it’s for the weekend.”
“No. We’re done. Both of us. With D/s and with Las Palmas.”
“Nathan, no. You don’t have to leave just because I am.”
“Have to? No. Want to. Yes.”
“Why?” The single word question was almost anguished.
Fuck, this was aftercare, and the rules said he should wait until he was sure she was back to her emotional baseline before any important conversation. The rules said it would be better to walk out that door and have her meet him somewhere else when and if she was ready. Given that this conversation was only tangentially related to BDSM, realistically, they should be talking outside the club.
He didn’t give a shit about the rules. If he walked away right now, even if he told her he wanted to keep talking, it would hurt her. And he wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to making Tara feel safe and loved.
“Well, I could say it’s because once we’re officially out of the scene, say, in the parking lot… I plan to ask you out on a date.”
Tara’s eyes rounded.
“I know, a date sounds ridiculous, given that we’ve known each other for twenty years and just had sex, but it would be weird to propose in a parking lot.”
“Nathan! Propose? That’s not funny.” She tried to glare, but there was hope in her gaze. Hope that made his own heart soar.
“I’m not joking.”
“But you… We… Why now?” Her eyes were luminous.
“Because you’re my person,” he said simply. “Girlfriends, subs, they came and went, and that was fine, because they were…waves.” He warmed to the metaphor that had just occurred to him. “They were like waves breaking against the cliffs.”
“Am I…am I a cliff?”
“We are. Together. I knew the waves couldn’t break me, because you were there. The two of us, standing together against the waves.”
She blinked, a tear slipping down her cheek. “That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“I’ve thought about you, in a non-friend way, more than I should have.”
“I was stupidly in love with you in college,” she said, her laugh watery. “But at first, I was scared because I didn’t think I was into BDSM. By the time I realized I really, really liked it, you were dating someone.”
“I almost asked you out,” he admitted. “Except before I could work up the courage, you started seeing Clark.”
He wondered if they’d always regret what could have been, or if what would be was enough to make it all worth it.
“I would tell you all that,” he declared dramatically. “Except I won’t say any of it. We’re in aftercare, and any serious, life-changing conversation would be inappropriate.”
“So, you’re going to wait until we’re out in the parking lot to ask me out?”
“Would it be weird to skip some steps and just propose?”
Tara fell back on the bed, hands on her belly as she laughed helplessly. “I was actually thinking that this weekend made it easier for me to give up BDSM, because how could I ever sub for anyone else. Do you know how many times I almost called you ‘Master’?”
Nathan leaned over, caging her in his arms. “Yes. I do. I heard it, even when what you said was my name.”
Her expression sobered, so he leaned down and kissed her before she could start worrying.
It didn’t work, because when he lifted his head, she looked sad. “I meant what I said. I don’t think I’m going to able to, or want to, submit if I’m able to have a baby.”
“I don’t care.”
“You just said you want us to do a triple penetration scene in a year or two.”
He snorted. “That was just to work you up. I’m not letting anyone else touch my wife.”
Tara inhaled slowly. “Fuck, that was hot.”
He grinned. “See? Getting to call you ‘my wife’ will satisfy all my possessive Dom needs.”
“Are you sure? You’re a Dom.”
“Being a Dom, all of BDSM really, is about getting your needs met. It’s just a framework of rules and words we use to structure getting what we each need. I don’t need BDSM if I have you.”
Tara’s breath caught. “I’ve been so scared to lose you. I was terrified that if I was able to have a baby, I’d never see you anymore. I hated myself because each time IUI didn’t work, I’d cry for days, and then there would be this little bit of relief, because it meant nothing had to change. Not yet.”
“I will be there when you have a baby.” He pursed his lips in mock consideration. “Would be kind of hard not to be there since we’ll be married, living together, and I’ll be the baby’s father.”
Tara sputtered.
“And to be clear, I don’t give a shit whose genetic material is used, though I do have a dumb joke about saving money if we use my sperm.”
Tara laughed, and there was such joy in the sound that he grinned, rolling onto his side so they were face-to-face on the bed.
“But we’re going to wait to have this conversation until the parking lot,” Nathan declared piously.
“Of course.” Tara’s nod was solemn, her grin anything but.
“And then, once the baby is…two maybe? We’ll have a good babysitter by then. Then we’ll come back to the club. Special one night only.”
Tara’s breath caught, her gaze heating even as her lashes fluttered. She knew where he was going with this.
“We’re going to leave Las Palmas now, but we’re not done until, for one night only, you role-play as a sexual submissive.”
“And what would you have me do, while role-playing as a submissive?” she whispered, voice husky.
“I’d order you to get on your knees and take three cocks.”
“I thought you weren’t going to let anyone touch your wife,” she breathed.
He rolled up, leaning over her once more. “Unless it makes you hot and needy.” Nathan spread open the robe. Her nipples were hard, and she arched into his hand when he gently cupped her breast. “I think you’ll be my very good girl, and spread your legs when I tell you to. I think you’ll be perfect and obedient. And then you’ll be getting fucked in every hole because I want it that way, because…”
Apparently, he wasn’t moving fast enough. Tara shoved him over onto his back, jumped to her knees, and ripped off the robe. “Take off your pants.”
Now it was Nathan’s turn to obey. He gladly shucked his pants, lay back, and let Tara slide that warm, wet cunt down onto his shaft.
He didn’t need her to be submissive.
In the end, he just needed her.