15. CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 14
Nerves assailed Channing when they all sat down and Selah, his water-loving daughter happily splashed along the water’s edge. Yosi and Kylo had told him the beach in the cove was shallow for at least ten feet, giving her room to explore on her own without worrying about her drowning.
He rolled his eyes at himself for even thinking that. She was a shifter. Her seahorse would take over if she thought she was in danger of drowning. Still, after all he’d been through since finding out he was pregnant with her, Channing had a difficult time not hovering. He, more than most, knew just how quickly things could turn from happy and carefree to being chained and forced to mine uranium.
“You okay?” Baz asked with a tilt of his head as he seemed to take in every nuance of Channing’s expression. “Do you want me to sit where the water gets a little too deep for her?”
As much as his protective side wanted to scream, ‘yes,’ he shook his head instead. “No. We just need to keep an eye on her.”
Had he really just said that? And was he trembling?
Strong, reassuring arms went around him, pulling his head so he was leaning against that hard body while still able to keep his gaze on Saleh. A shudder of relief went through him as he soaked in the knowledge that he wasn’t in this alone. Baz was there, willing to shoulder the burden of being a parent.
“Thanks,” he barely managed to choke out around the lump that had formed in his throat.
Lips brushed his temple and damn if Channing didn’t savor the sensation even though he hadn’t exactly deserved it. He’d seriously fucked up. It was more than just with Baz, but his mate had taken the brunt of it.
“I know I already said it, and it will never be enough, but I really am sorry how I treated you.” The words had pushed out of him as if they were burning his insides.
Those amazingly secure arms tightened around him, and he felt Baz press his lips against the top of Channing’s head for several minutes as if his mate was struggling to accept that the words had been sincere.
That had been Channing’s fault. His and no one else’s. The biggest question was…had he completely and totally fucked up? He snorted at the stupid question which caused Baz to look at him oddly.
Fuck. Was he ever going to get anything right when it came to his mate? What was he saying? The bigger question was whether or not he’d ever get anything in his life, right?
He’d not only fucked up his mate, but his friendships as well as his daughter. His lips quirked up in a smile as his little girl giggled as she sat on the wet sand and her hands slammed down on the inch-deep water, splashing her face. “I’ve seriously fucked up everything.”
“No,” Baz said as if he was the ultimate authority on the topic. “I won’t have you putting down the man I love more than my next breath. I’m the one who should apologize. I should have made certain all threats were eliminated before taking you away from your isolated island. At least there you were relatively safe.”
That made Channing cackle as if he were mad. Maybe he was. After all, what other shifter would ever toss his mate aside as if he didn’t matter?
“Safe?” He winced at the screech in his voice, yet he couldn’t seem to control it. “Are you kidding me? Is there even such a thing?”
He already knew the answer to that. “Don’t get me wrong, I knew my parents loved me.” He couldn’t help but throw his head back and laugh at that statement. “I should say, they loved me in their way. But I had to adhere to all of their rules or that love was withheld. Coming home, pregnant from a married man, was a line they refused to cross. I was tossed out on my ear. I mean who does that to their child?”
Even though he’d known it would be how they reacted, he hadn’t honestly thought it would happen. Saleh was their grandchild, no matter how it had happened.
Damn if those arms that had been around him the entire time didn’t manage to tighten their already secure hold. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. “I can’t imagine how it felt to have the very people who are supposed to always be there for you, basically abandon you.”
Unable to give voice to the anger that refused to subside, he let his mate… mate …Damn but he’d really fucked up to have pushed Baz away. Unable to handle what his parents had done, or deal with how he’d treated the one person who was supposed to be the completion of his soul, Channing watched Saleh continue to play as if it was the first time she’d ever seen the water.
Then again, considering that Channing had basically locked her in their room for the past 3 weeks, he couldn’t blame her for craving the feel of the water on her skin.
“It’s no excuse,” Channing murmured as the dawning guilt of what he’d put his own child through hit him. Baz was an adult. He could handle it. Not that it hadn’t hurt. But Saleh had no concept of what her own father had done to her. “Maybe I’m not different than my parents.”
Baz turned to look at him fully. “How can you say that? Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t met them, but you would never turn your back on that little girl…ever. I’m fairly certain she could kill in cold blood, and you would still love her.”
Damn straight.
“But I basically imprisoned her in our room because of my fear of what might happen.” Needing the comfort, Channing leaned harder against his mate. “You, Braydon, as well as everyone else on this island told me it was safer here than pretty much anywhere else in the world, yet I locked her into our suite, as if somehow that would stop her from being in danger.”
He’d been an idiot. Then again, that could be said in pretty much all he’d done since running away from his parents’ too strict rules to go to university. Like a worst of the worst montage of images cascaded through his mind of all he’d done to fuck up his own life. Which, as much as he hated to admit, extended to his daughter as well as his mate.
“I never should have pushed you away,” he proclaimed.
“Shit,” Baz exclaimed as he scrambled to his feet.
Fearing his mate suddenly realized Channing wasn’t worth his time, Channing had stupidly closed his eyes. It wasn’t until he’d heard a gasp, followed by a scream, that he opened them only to realize he’d managed to screw things up once more when his gaze landed on Baz, who was holding a dripping wet, terrified Saleh.
Leaping to his feet, he rushed to where they stood. His arms instantly went around Saleh. His words, even though he had no idea exactly what had happened, were those of comfort. “We’ve got you, sweetie,” he crooned loving the feel of one of Baz’s arms coming around his waist. “Your daddies would never let anything happen to you.”
The moment the words left his mouth it was as if a bolt of lightning had struck him. Gripping both Saleh and Baz as tightly as possible, he sobbed.
“Shhh,” Baz said to probably both of them. “I’ve got you,” he reassured. “I won’t let anything happen to either of you.”
That was something Channing had known when they met, even if he’d stupidly forgotten. No…Not forgotten, just choose to ignore. He’d been such an idiot. Was it even possible that Baz would forgive him?
Rolling his eyes at himself, he already knew that answer. It was in the way his mate touched him, held him, reassured him. The real question was…could Channing forgive himself?
That was something he didn’t think would ever be possible.
“She’s fine,” Baz once again reassured him as they both watched her sleep after putting her to bed.
There was a part of Channing that knew his mate was right, but he also couldn’t stop the doubt from inserting into his thoughts as a never-ending cycle of memories of the mistakes he’d made flashed through is mind.
“Physically, yes,” Channing finally managed to say. “But mentally…” He shook his head. “Not just that. Mentally and emotionally I’m not so sure. I locked her in this suite, not letting her out no matter what. Before I finally opened the door and left the room with her cause I needed to find out if anyone knew if you were alive, hurt, or dead, she was crawling under the bed with each knock at the door.”
Baz tried to put his arms around Channing in comfort, but stepped back, not willing to accept it. “No.” He held up his hand to stop him. “That was on me. Not you. Not my parents. Not even the humans who had put me through living hell.”
He gazed at their sweet, innocent daughter for long minutes. “ I’m the reason she was terrified. Me. ” A harsh sob broke from deep within his chest. “I’m not saying there aren’t reasons, but her only knowledge of fear is from me. What kind of parent does that make me?”
That Baz didn’t hesitate to respond meant more to Channing than he would have ever imagined. “An amazingly resilient one.”
When he opened his mouth to refute that statement, Baz covered his mouth with his hand. “No. Just listen.”
It wasn’t until Channing gave him a nod before Baz dropped his hand and said, “You went through hell.” When Channing tried to open his mouth again, Baz placed a finger against his lips. “Yeah, I get it, so have a lot of others. But I’d expect most of them weren’t pregnant at the time.”
Begrudgingly Channing shrugged as if he couldn’t exactly deny it. Still, it didn’t excuse anything he’d done.
“I’m not going tell you all your decisions were…” Baz’s gaze shifted away from him as if trying to come up with the right word, “Great. But you were drawing from everything you’d been through. It was only natural for you to do whatever was necessary to protect your child.”
Channing reached out and gripped the wrist of the hand that had been wrapped around his shoulders. “Our child,” he said softly, meaning it.
Grinning, he leaned over and pressed their lips together briefly. “Thank you for that.” Then he straightened. “You’ve been on fight or flight for a long time. You need to give yourself a break.”
Was that even possible? Leaning against Baz’s body, he admitted, “I don’t think I can.”
The question was, where did that leave them?