Take Me Back to the Start #1

1. Teeny

CHAPTER ONE

Teeny

NOW

When my best friend, Grace, got married, I told her I’d wear whatever maid of honor dress she wanted me to wear. Strapless, floor length, even tulle. Whatever the bride-to-be wanted, I was prepared to give it to her. But, deep down, I secretly hoped she wouldn’t pick pastel. Baby pink, lavender, sky blue, canary yellow. All of it made my pale skin look even paler. And with my jet-black hair, round face that made me look about ten years younger than I actually am, and the strong Wolverine-esque anti-aging genetics my mom passed down to me, I knew I would look like a practical child attending church on Easter Sunday instead of a thirty-year-old maid of honor.

Luckily, she picked a deep ruby red A-line floor-length gown. It was flowy with a strap across one shoulder. My husband, Leo, thought it was beautiful. We were child-free for the night in a fancy hotel room with room service and thick walls. We were in love.

That was six years ago. A lifetime, it seems.

“That green one looks amazing on you, Teeny.”

I turn to look at Mina from the reflection in the large mirror of the changing room. “Well, it’s your wedding,” I tell her while she dangles a skinny champagne flute in her fingers. The giant three-carat diamond ring my brother proposed to her with glints off the lights around us.

“I still want you to wear something you like.”

I smile at her. “I’m really not picky.” As long as it doesn’t make me look like the Easter Bunny’s going to be walking me down the aisle.

“What do the other bridesmaids want?” I ask, running my hands over the deep emerald tones of the dress. It really does look nice. The chiffon material feels light and airy while looking luxurious. Too bad I won’t have a husband to tell me I look nice in it this time around.

“They liked the darker shade of green rather than a lighter color. Said it would make my eyes pop in the pictures.”

I nod, agreeing. “Okay.”

I try on another two, one in mint and another in a rusty sage color, before we decide the darker tone is the best way to go. We set up appointments for the other bridesmaids and leave the bridal store.

“So, what other wedding errands are we running before dinner?”

Mina hooks her arm through mine and looks at her watch. “We have time for one more stop,” she says. “Maybe a quick Sephora run? I could use your help deciding on a lipstick shade. I need something pink and neutral. Something that says blushing bride.”

“Sure,” I say, smiling at her. “Dinner’s at seven?”

“Seven thirty,” she answers. “Is Leo coming?”

I shake my head. “It’s mainly wedding party, so I told him he’s on his own tonight,” I tell her, averting my eyes to my purse where I pretend to search for something. ChapStick, hand sanitizer, the ruins of my marriage. Maybe if I keep my head ducked low for another minute or two, she won’t be able to tell I’m lying.

“You really don’t mind going with me to Sephora?” Mina asks. “I mean, you’ll tell me if I’m being total bridezilla and demanding things like your time, right?”

I laugh, finally looking up at her from my deep tote dive. “Of course, I don’t mind.”

“Okay,” she answers, pausing a moment before adding, “Because I have another favor to ask.”

“What is it?”

“I have a cake tasting to go to in a few weeks,” she explains. “But I can’t go. I have to go out of town for work, and it took ages to set up this appointment with the bakery. Can you go with your brother? I just know he’s going to pick some weird childish flavor like confetti unless an actual adult intervenes.”

That sounds pretty on brand with Josh Cohen and his taste buds. “Yeah, that’s fine,” I tell her with a breezy laugh.

“You sure?”

I nod. “Of course,” I assure her. “I don’t have much going on, work-wise, and I have some free time in the coming weeks. Just let me know when exactly and I can move things around if I need to.”

This is good. Wedding errands, work, distractions. Busy is good.

We finish shopping, Mina opting for the shade “Honeylove” at the register at Sephora, giving her the perfect bridal look against her skin tone and iridescent turquoise eyes. We make our way to the restaurant where we’re meeting the rest of the bridal party.

The room reserved for the dinner is small and intimate, making it difficult to avoid small talk. As soon as we walk in, Josh spots us right away. “There she is!” Mina blushes, bringing her shoulder to her cheek, as her husband-to-be rushes to her side. “Did my punk kid sister take care of you?”

“Whatever, Josh,” I argue, rolling my eyes in his direction. “I’ll let you do the bridesmaids’ dress shopping next time. See if tulle looks good on you.”

Mina laughs, looping her arm around his neck. “Did you miss me?” she whispers against his ear.

He whispers something back, something I can’t hear over the low rumble of chatter, and I walk away, leaving the betrothed couple to be.

“Hey.”

I turn to see my other brothers, James and Andrew, fingers firmly gripping fresh drinks and sly grins of amusement on their faces.

“Getting the party started?” I ask, gesturing between their occupied hands.

“Josh is picking up the tab,” James, my oldest brother, comments, raising his glass.

“And you know we can’t say no to free alcohol,” Andrew, the baby of our family, adds.

“Well, if that’s the case, order me a chardonnay,” I request coolly. I take a step closer to the row of empty chairs and sink into the soft cushioned seat. Andrew walks away toward the bar, and James takes the seat next to mine.

“Where’s Leo?”

I shrug, peering at James with a look of boredom. “Enjoying the single life?”

James’s brow furrows. “Where’s he staying?”

“At his brother’s, I think.”

“I take it you haven’t told Josh?”

“Nope.” My wedding band suddenly feels like a hot brand, the small diamonds shimmering as I fidget with it around my ring finger.

“You know you can’t keep it from everyone forever,” James comments. “You’re going to have to tell them. Especially Mom and Dad.”

I respond with silence.

“What are they going to say when Leo doesn’t show up to the wedding in a few months?”

I sigh deeply and a little dramatically. “I guess I’ll tell them he got caught up.” Yeah, with his dick inside another woman.

James only knows about Leo’s infidelity, or momentary lapse of judgment as Leo calls it, because my husband also happens to be one of my big brother’s oldest friends. While I decided to kick Leo out at the first whisper of his admittance to his affair, James has tried to keep a neutral ground. He hasn’t badgered me into letting Leo back into the house, but he also hasn’t cut all ties with my soon-to-be ex-husband. And I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me even the tiniest bit, but it seems James’s friendship with Leo is the least of my worries in the thick of our separation.

“Where’s your other half?” I ask, changing the subject and even taking a small jab at the fact that I’m not the only one who showed up tonight solo.

“Sophia was running a fever,” he explains. “We think she might be teething.”

My face softens at the mention of my niece, eight months old with chubby cheeks the shape of shiny bao buns and fat Michelin man arms. “How’s Kendall?”

He bobs his head. “Hanging in there.”

He and his wife, Kendall, welcomed Sophia into their lives last year. And while the joys of parenthood have been a wafting presence in their home, postpartum depression has been its loyal companion. It seems all of our homes have been replaced with glass ones. Fragile and vulnerable, cracking with every shaky shift or rumble, disrupting our already frail lives.

“You know, Sadie can come by and babysit any time,” I offer. “She’ll take any excuse to play with Sophia.”

“Yeah,” he answers with a soft, appreciative smile. “I’ll let Kendall know.” After a pause, he looks around the room and adds, “Is she…?”

“At her friend’s house?” I finish his sentence with a knowing eye roll. “She practically lives there now that she’s on summer break. But she’s going to summer camp in a few weeks so maybe I’ll get her back once she’s back home.”

“You did good with her, Teeny,” he says, the low tone of his voice showing how much I’ve grown. How much we’ve both grown. “You and Leo both did good with her.”

“At least we got something right.”

Our conversation is cut short as people start to take their seats. Josh and Mina settle in somewhere in the center, where they can spread their attention throughout the table, along with the other bridesmaids. Andrew returns with my chardonnay and sits in the empty seat next to James, leaving the seat to my right empty.

Dinner starts, introductions are made. The one other bridesmaid is Mina’s cousin, who seems pretty friendly and normal. The maid of honor, Mina’s best friend from college, is the only one missing. She’s set to arrive a few days before the wedding from New York City.

It isn’t rare or uncustomary for my siblings and I to come together for dinner like this. And it isn’t even always for things like wedding celebrations or birthdays or anniversaries. It can even be for something as menial as an impromptu weekend barbeque or beach day with the kids. But the one glaring sore thumb we can’t seem to ignore is the fact that my husband isn’t here. There’s no excuse of a sickly baby at home to take care of. The continuous mentions of work and long hours at the office are wearing thin. I could almost feel it on the tips of everyone’s tongues. Where’s Leo?

My entire body feels worn, too tired from making up excuses.

“He’s working late.”

“He had a meeting with some clients that’s taking longer than he thought.”

“This case he’s working on is taking up a lot of his time.”

After all these years, filled with lies and months and months of multiple “momentary lapses of judgment,” all I want to do now is throw in the towel.

“Hey, is Leo coming?” Andrew asks, nodding his head to the empty seat, as if he’s reading my damn mind. “He still owes me a hundred bucks from our last round of golf. Or did he not tell you how badly I kicked his ass last month?”

I catch James glancing at me, a solemn look of concern and discretion keeping him from saying anything. “No, he’s…at home,” I finally answer, my words spoken in a whisper through my lie.

“How about you stop placing bets every time we hit the golf course,” James cuts in, flicking Andrew’s fork so it loudly clinks against his small bread plate.

The sounds of James and Andrew bickering fade into muffled words of, “You’re just jealous of my stroke count.” I drown out the noise with the light drum of my fingers against the clothed table. My hands start to feel clammy, and the room starts to feel like it’s closing in on me. I stand from my seat, turning to James and pointing my finger toward the much more crowded dining area. He nods, accepting my signal to excuse myself to the little girls’ room, and I walk the narrow walkway.

My phone buzzes in my hand, and when I look at the screen, I see an alert for a new text message from Leo.

Leo

I came home to get a few things and you weren’t here. I was hoping to talk to you.

My entire body sags and I feel like what little energy I had left dissolves into defeat. What does he expect? That he could cheat on me, ruin our marriage after fifteen years, and simply hope I’d move on from it? Forgive him? How are we supposed to move on from this?

I toss my phone into my bag, hoping it’ll get lost in there where I won’t be disturbed by it for the rest of the night, and continue my way toward the ladies’ room. I didn’t need to pee or do anything bathroom related but I needed some air or…something to take my mind off Leo’s barrage of messages.

I need to talk to you.

I’m sorry.

Please let me come back home.

“Oof!”

A large body, one clad in a dark navy suit and brown oxfords, crashes into me. I stumble a step back, slapping my hand against the nearest wall for support.

“Ohmigod,” I say with a gasp. “I’m so sor—” I pause, looking at the dark eyes of the stranger peering down at me with a sharp jawline and a slightly crooked nose. Only, it’s no stranger. Far from it.

Everett .

“Teeny.”

“Wh-what.” I feel disoriented. My knees buckle and the bottom pit of my stomach feels like it weighs two tons. Everything around me feels like it’s spinning. Twisting and turning on a tilted axis like a spinning globe.

I turn away from the direction of the bathroom I had no real business going to in the first place. From the rest of the wedding party, from my past in the form of the biggest heartbreak of my life. A gust of fresh air hits me in my face when I exit the restaurant and I rush to my car, not bothering to tell my brothers I’m leaving when I feel a warm hand grip my elbow.

“Teeny, wait.”

Everett was always able to catch up to me. With his long legs and agility on and off the basketball court, there wasn’t a place I could go to outrun him. And twenty years ago, I never wanted to. I always wanted him to come find me. To make things right, to fix whatever wrong had happened between us. Until I waited and he never came.

I tug my arm from his grip, ignoring his protest, as my heels continue to click against the sidewalk.

“Teeny!” He rounds me and blocks my way, stopping me from getting to my car.

“ What, Everett? What?” A tremor starts to slither up my fingers, traveling all the way to the dip between my shoulder blades. I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. He’s really here. I’m not imagining this.

He takes a deep inhale. “Hi.”

I scoff, crossing my arms and turning away from him. “What are you doing here?”

“Having dinner? I’m here to meet?—”

“No, I mean why are you here? Why did the universe have to bring you here right now when I’m here? As if?—”

“Josh invited me.”

My mouth clamps shut. Josh invited him? “Tonight?”

He nods. “Look, I’m already late,” he says, running a hand through his perfectly wavy hair. “But…can we talk? Maybe after dinner?”

“Wait a minute,” I say, ignoring his question. A scowl twists my features, and I glare at him. “You’re here to see Josh?”

He nods again. “Did he not tell you?”

“Everett!” We both turn toward the entrance of the restaurant to see Josh greet Everett. “I just got your message.” He holds up his phone, waggling it in his fingers in Everett’s direction. “I thought maybe you got lost.”

“Uh, no.” Everett glances at me before facing Josh. “I just ran into Teeny.”

“Man, it’s good to see you!” Josh exclaims, pulling Everett for a hefty embrace. “Let’s go inside. James and Andrew are here too.”

Everett takes one last look at me, so much implied yet unsure in his slightly agape mouth and dark, pensive eyes.

“Teeny, come on,” Josh calls. He doesn’t ask what I was doing outside, why I look distraught, as if I’ve just witnessed a crime. Instead, he guides Everett past the hostess booth, and I reluctantly follow behind. By the time we’ve made it to our table, I’ve had about ten different discussions in my mind. Ones that feel confusing and angry and outright frustrating.

I should’ve just left, driven off in the safety of my car. Why did I foolishly come back inside like everything would be fine and dandy and I’d be able to sit through a whole meal with Everett in the same room? And what the hell is Josh thinking, inviting Everett here? Is he the third groomsman I never bothered to question my brother about? And why wouldn’t he tell me this? And let’s say Josh just randomly decided to ask Everett to be a part of his wedding. Why did he agree to it? After all these years? He had to have known I’d be here too.

“Teeny?” I hadn’t realized I was just standing there, my hands loosely braced on the back of my chair. As soon as I hear Josh’s voice call my name, a confused and concerned tone laced into his voice, I realize I’m practically glaring at Everett. “Is everything okay?”

Everett’s eyes follow Josh’s gaze, taking in the way I’m frozen. A gentle smile softens his entire face, and it makes my breath hitch, remembering all the times he looked at me like that. When I’d catch him watching me paint or doing my homework. It was always that smile that opened my heart up just for him. And it’s been closed since the last time I saw him.

“Yeah,” I say meekly. I take my seat and Everett hovers over the empty one next to mine.

“Mina,” Josh calls from across the table, his hand gripped over Everett’s shoulder. “This is Everett.”

“Ohmigod!” Mina exclaims. She shuffles out of her seat and rounds the table to meet Everett. “Josh has told me so much about you. Thank you so much for coming.”

Everett smiles warmly. “Couldn’t miss one of my best friend’s wedding.”

I catch Everett’s eyes when I look up at the three of them exchanging introductions, and I regret it instantly. I didn’t know I could feel angry and sad at the same time. Those two emotions start this violent back-and-forth quarrel trying to overpower the other, but neither one is winning. The second I feel like the anger’s going to bubble over, this deep ache stabs at my heart. It’s resurfacing from years of searching for some level of closure while scared to face the reasons behind it.

Everett settles into the seat next to mine, the only empty one. I catch James shifting uncomfortably to my left, nudging me carefully with his elbow.

“You good?” James whispers. He glances at Everett quickly, acknowledging him in a way that only I notice before his concern refocuses on me.

Unable to speak, I nod. Even though all I want is to tell him no. To beg him to get me out of here. Somewhere safe where I can shove away this entire encounter like it never happened. Where the existence of Everett can be completely ignored instead of sitting inches from me, where I can study the shiny buttons on his jacket sleeve and get an intense whiff of his cologne.

“Yeah,” I finally say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I’m fine.”

There’s a small stain on the tablecloth. Something that was once red, like marinara or ketchup. It looks like the fabric has been washed and bleached, but this stubborn stain somehow sustained all those efforts. I focus on it, hoping that maybe it’ll help me. Take me away somewhere on a mythical journey to teach me the ways of being so relentless it could withstand the harshest of products. But then I feel a warm hand perch on my shoulder. A consoling squeeze comes from James’s touch, and I realize I don’t know how to be that stubborn. I don’t know how to banish someone I loved to the point that I thought my heart was going to explode. I only know how to feel broken.