Tangled in Vows (Tangled & Torn #2)

36. Olivia

Chapter 36

Olivia

At least the anger would allow me to just be.

I t’s been three days in the studio with Ian.

Three days of cutting open my chest and stabbing myself in the heart.

Three nights of falling asleep in Holden’s arms.

Three mornings of waking up with the pressure on my chest slightly lighter than the day before.

Dealing head-on with the pain is excruciating. But there’s no avoiding it when I’m thrown back to that devastating period five years ago every time I stand in front of the microphone. Whenever Ian tells me to put more emotion into it, I want to yell at him and cry simultaneously.

Seeing Holden helps. He’s there during my breaks, ensuring I’m well-fed and cared for. After I’m spent from the emotional drain of the day, he holds me in his arms every night, offering me the comfort I need and earth-shattering orgasms. Every single touch of his is gentle, as if he knows it’s all I’m able to handle now.

“And we’re all done.” Ian’s voice sounds in my headphones, and he gives me an enthusiastic thumbs-up through the glass that separates me from him in the studio.

This home studio has been my absolute safe haven. Never in my life have I had such a place just to be. I’m not kicked out because the next act is on the schedule, and I don’t have to hurry because the label is breathing down my neck.

I exhale deeply and join Ian behind the mixing desk. He’s pushing buttons, moving dials, entirely focused on one of the screens before him.

“I’m not kidding. This will be your biggest hit.” He turns to me. “No offense, but I’ve never heard you sing this way. It’s next level, Olivia.”

“Thank you,” I say in a whisper. I try to give him a small smile, unsure if I succeed. It’s not his fault this song was never supposed to see the light of day. Or that I’m so drained I’m not sure whether I should sleep for the next week straight or if I need a distraction of epic proportions to take my mind off things.

He clicks a few buttons, and the slow, haunting melody of the song starts playing. My voice fills the room through the speakers, and Ian is right. I’ve never sounded like this before. It’s probably because none of my other songs were ever this personal. There are other songs about Holden, but they aren’t as deep or as raw as this one, making them less taxing on me.

You were my safe place, the ground beneath my feet.

The arms I could fall into, the one who set me free.

I close my eyes as my mind conjures images of Holden. But this time, they aren’t the agonizing ones from back then. This time, they’re from this morning when I woke up. The way he smiled at me the second I opened my eyes, and the way his fingers cupped my cheeks right before his lips softly pressed against mine.

He’s replacing all the bad memories with new ones. Happy ones. Breaking down the old hurt piece by piece with his presence alone.

The song comes to an end, and Ian awkwardly pats my shoulder.

“You did good, Olivia. No more crying, please.”

I wipe the wetness off my face. I didn’t even realize I’d started to cry, maybe because the sad tears turned into happy tears, a final release of the bad.

Things with Holden would have improved regardless, but purging my heart of these emotions made me realize how much old hurt I was still holding on to. Now that it’s gone, I can’t remember the last time I felt this light—this weightless.

And eager to move on.

Look how far you and Holden have come as a couple.

I laugh awkwardly and sniffle. “Sorry. I know it’s been a lot this week.”

Ian shakes his head. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for. You sang your heart out for this song, and it shows. People will eat it up.” After scrutinizing me some more, he adds, “And it seems this song was long overdue.”

He’s right. It was.

“Well, I better get going.” Ian stands, stretching his short, round frame after sitting in the chair for too many hours.

His stomach rumbles loudly, and we both laugh.

I absentmindedly pat my own empty stomach. “I’m sorry, I should have fed you more. Will you stay for dinner?”

“No, I’m good, thank you. Donny is already on it. He just messaged it’ll be ready by the time I get home.”

“That boyfriend of yours is a catch.”

Ian’s cheeks redden. “He really is, isn’t he?”

I nod. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.” He raises his eyebrows. “Although, I should say the same to you. I mean, have you seen that hunk of a man you’ve got there? And not just a boyfriend, but a husband?”

He laughs and holds his midsection while my brain is replaying his words.

Truly processing them.

My hunk of a man.

My husband.

Now that this song is done, and my mind has purged itself of the emotions, my brain chemistry has also altered. It’s almost like the fog has cleared, and I’m finally ready to deal with reality genuinely.

And the fact I’m falling for my husband all over again.

And I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Or what to do with that realization.

I walk Ian to the door, sit on the front steps, and watch him drive away.

I’m falling for my husband all over again.

Without overthinking, I text Evie.

Me: Can we talk?

I push the send button, then immediately wonder if it was too much, too direct, or too soon. I didn’t even say hi first. Maybe I should have led with that? Asked first if she even wanted to talk. Holden’s her best friend, after all. He came first, well before me. What if she doesn’t want to discuss him with me? Who am I going to talk to then?

My phone rings, successfully keeping me from spiraling further.

Evie.

I lean back against the front door and accept the video call.

“Hey.”

Evie’s face fills the screen as if the phone is only inches from her. “What happened? Are you okay? Is Holden okay?”

“Shit.” I straighten. “Sorry, I didn’t even think you might worry. Yes, everyone’s okay. I just wanted to talk if you have time.”

Her lips puff out on a loud exhale. “Oh, thank God.”

I feel terrible for upsetting her. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” The picture jolts around until she’s finally got the phone steady somewhere. “I’ve just been on edge since the car incident, that’s all. Especially since I can’t see you. I just want to hole up with you somewhere until these guys figure out what’s happening. I hate this.”

“Me too.” Although I’m happy she can’t get dragged into it this way. I’m all for keeping her and Phoenix as far away from this as possible. Their safety is more important.

“So, what’s up?” She grabs her mug and takes a sip.

I don’t respond quickly enough, and she leans closer to the camera.

“Are you blushing?”

My free hand automatically flies to my cheek. It feels hot. “No?”

Evie’s eyes widen. “Oh my gosh, you are blushing.”

“Well . . .”

What are you waiting for? Tell her. You’re the one who wanted to talk to her.

“No freaking way.” Evie bounces in her seat. “Ah, shit, that’s hot.”

A deep voice sounds in the background. Phoenix, I’m guessing.

Evie waves him off. “I’m okay. Just spilled some tea on me.”

Her eyes come back to me before snapping behind the camera again. “Actually, babe. Would you mind grabbing me another shirt, please?”

“Sure.” Footsteps come closer, and Phoenix appears in the frame. “Hey, Olivia.”

“Hey.” I give him an awkward wave, but his focus has already shifted back to his wife.

“Do you want me to get you another tea too?”

Evie blinks up at him as he looms over her. “Would you?”

He only raises his eyebrows in answer and kisses her. I was expecting a quick peck, but I should have known better. Phoenix is incredibly tense, and I’m never a hundred-percent sure where I stand with him, but when it comes to Evie, there’s no doubt he worships the ground she walks on.

He devours her mouth so thoroughly I avert my gaze.

After a moment, Evie clears her throat. “Ha, sorry about that.”

I shake my head. “No worries.”

She peeks around the phone again, then pops back and stares straight at me. “Okay, he’s gone. I’m guessing we have about ten minutes before he’s back, so spill. Did you and Holden . . . you know? Did something happen? Did you guys talk? I know he wanted to talk to you, but I wasn’t sure if he went through with it.”

“Evie.” I laugh.

She purses her lips. “Ah, dang it, sorry.”

She mimics locking her lips and throwing away the key.

I clear my throat. “Yes, we talked. And yes, something happened.”

Evie makes a squeal-like noise but doesn’t say anything.

I manage to balance my phone on the flowerpot a few feet away and fidget with my hands. “I take it you know about his prison sentence since that’s where he met Phoenix?”

Evie heaves a breath. “Yeah.”

“I thought so.”

“I’m sorry for not telling you, but I promised him I wouldn’t. It wasn’t my story to tell.”

A hollow ache settles in my chest, but I force it away. I can’t fault Evie for her loyalty. Holden earned it tenfold, and I would have done the same thing in her position.

I hold up a hand. “No. I understand why you didn’t tell me. It’s okay. It took a while to digest everything, and I’m sure plenty of questions will still pop up. Right now, I’m just happy it’s all out. That there’s nothing between us anymore, and we can work on healing together.”

Evie wipes under her eyes as a tear spills. “You love him.”

“I do.” The emotions press against my ribs, too big to contain. My hands tremble in my lap, and a shaky laugh escapes. “I really do, but I’m not sure it’s that simple. So much happened. So much is going on still. What if he doesn’t feel the same?”

Evie sniffles. “I promise you don’t have to worry about that. That man is gone for you. The head-over-heels, no-coming-back kind of way.” Her throat bobs on a swallow. “Even when it would have been easier to let you go, to move on from you, his heart still belonged to you. That kind of love? It doesn’t just go away. It only grows, despite the time and distance.”

A riot of emotions claws at my ribs at her words, causing me to blink rapidly, but the burn behind my eyes refuses to fade. I glance at the gray sky and press my lips together, trying very hard to avoid becoming a blubbering mess.

“Sorry for making you cry, but I’m not sorry for telling you. I love both of you so much, and I hate you’re both hurting when all you need is each other to be happy. Tell him,” Evie says.

“Okay.”

Phoenix comes back, bursting our little bubble. “Here you go, Angel.”

She gazes at him, and her entire expression softens. “Thank you.”

I want this. I want to have a special connection with someone who looks at me differently than they look at anybody else.

And I want that with Holden.

Evie focuses back on me. “Sorry, girl.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I’m good. Get cleaned up. And thank you. I appreciate you talking this through with me.”

Her eyes flare wide. “Did it help?”

“Yes, I think it helped.” I smile and wave before she can ask more questions. “Talk to you soon.”

Holden finds me in the kitchen as I close my mouth around another piece of sweet potato.

One glance at my overflowing plate has him chuckling. “Someone was hungry, huh?”

I nod.

He brushes my hair off my shoulder and presses a gentle kiss against the side of my throat. Lingering on my pulse point before mumbling, “You should have told me. I would have brought you something.”

My skin buzzes from his touch, and focusing on his words is a struggle. All I want is more of this intoxicating feeling of having his hands and mouth on me. I’m already addicted to it, but I can’t help that insistent urge to find out if we’re on the same page. If we’re feeling the same way.

Two souls who found each other.

Intertwined in ways that can’t be undone.

Yet, are we on the same side?

The words flow through my mind, accompanied by a beautiful melody I can’t forget. Unable to help myself, I whisper, “One second,” to Holden before picking up my phone and typing furiously in a new note.

Holden’s gaze never wavers from me, even after I finish, while the memory of the song lingers in the back of my mind like a beautiful caress.

“Sorry about that. Just had to write something down quickly before I forget it.”

He leans against the side of the kitchen island, his large frame casting a shadow over me.

“No worries. Genius strikes when it strikes.”

We stare at each other for a split second before a laugh bursts out of me.

He joins in. “Don’t ask me where that came from, but I’m sure there’s more.”

I hold my hand against my quivering stomach. “Gosh, I hope so.”

“You seem happy.”

I swallow. “I am.”

“Today went well then?”

“It did. We finished the song.”

“That’s great?”

He says it as a question rather than a statement, probably because he knows how much recording this song has affected me.

“It is. This week has been tough, but now I’m kind of glad I recorded the song.” I inhale deeply. “I never meant for the whole world to hear it, but in a way, it was also cathartic.”

“I’m sorry.”

I close the distance between us. “Don’t be.”

“I will always be sorry for hurting you. Causing you pain is the last thing I ever want to do.”

I wrap my arms around his middle and press my head against his chest. His heartbeat is strong and rhythmic. Compelling. Just like this man.

“Hold?”

He envelops me in his warmth, pulling me as close to him as possible. He hums in question.

“What are we doing?”

His laughter is muffled against my hair. “Last time I checked, it was called hugging.”

“Stop it.” I smack his back and hide my smile.

Holden grasps my chin and tilts it, forcing me to look at him. “What is it you’re asking, Hurricane?”

I swallow, and the movement doesn’t go unnoticed.

His hand leaves my chin in favor of my throat, gently wrapping around it. Not squeezing, just keeping me in place so I cannot avoid his gaze. “Tell me.”

“I . . . I.”

Just spit it out already.

“Hurricane, ask me .”

His fingers flex infinitesimally, but it’s enough for me to gasp. And I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the only way my body reacted, but I won’t think about that now.

I lick my lips. “I want to know how serious you are about this . . . about us.”

Something flashes in his eyes, but I can’t identify it before he leans toward me. “You are my wife.”

He says it with such conviction, it takes me a minute to reply.

“But we . . .”

“There’s no but about any of this. I know nothing about our marriage is conventional, but to me, this marriage is as real as it gets.”

My throat bobs under his grip. “It is?”

“I want you with a desperation that borders on obsessive, but I wouldn’t want it any differently. From the second I laid eyes on you, I knew. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted you happy. You. Are. Mine.”

He punctuates each word, drawing me closer until I’m only a breath away.

His free hand goes to my lower back, adding light pressure. “If you don’t want me the same way I want you, if you don’t feel the same about me as I feel about you, I need you to say something right now. Because I’m all in, Hurricane. Until death do us part.”

His words. The implications. The raw emotions in his eyes. The flutters in my stomach. The pounding of my heart. The buzzing in my veins.

It all leads to one thing: the only possibility for me if I think about it.

“I want to be the only one for you because . . .”

“Because what, Hurricane?”

After he told me he’d marry me, he quickly became my anchor. He made me feel safe and grounded and allowed me to grow into the person I am now. Yes, there’s been impossible heartache, but now that I know what happened, my feelings for him are right back to where they were back then.

To when he was my person.

A heartbeat passes.

Then another until I find my voice again.

“Because I don’t want to live without you.”

His lips meet mine in a bruising kiss that attempts to destroy my soul. And I’d happily let him if it meant I could keep him forever.

“I’d rather die than ever be without you again.” He moves back to growl at me. “I also really need you naked right now.”

A noise interrupts our moment.

Someone clearing their throat.

I glare at Archer, who, to his credit, actually looks remorseful.

He holds his hands up in front of him. “I truly am sorry about interrupting, but I’ve got news.”