Chapter 13
13
SOPHIE
J ust a few weeks before the school year ended, Sophie learned that her parents had set up a mini summer internship for her at their company without even asking whether it was something she was interested in, let alone checking to see if she wanted to come home right away rather than spend the summer in Dublin. She’d told her mom, of course, all about Gavin, but the depth of her feelings for him never seemed to register. It certainly wasn’t a factor when they’d decided she would be leaving the day after the school term ended.
As their time together dwindled, Gavin became more agitated, more prone to his bouts of darkness and wanting to withdraw. In an effort to keep his black moods at bay, if only for a little while, Sophie finally decided to break the rules and sneak out of her bedroom window one night to meet him.
“You are amazing,” he told her as they walked the dark streets.
“Where should we go?”
“There’s a party at O’Leary’s cousin’s house. We could stop by for a bit. Conor and the lads are there. I think Felicity might be there.”
It was these kinds of parties that she rarely went to because of her curfew. She should be excited to go and see her friends. But she’d expected that taking the risk to sneak out meant that she would be spending time with Gavin on their own.
Sensing her lack of enthusiasm, Gavin kissed her temple and told her, “We’ll go for no more than an hour. Then I’ve got an idea for us, okay?”
She smiled. “Okay. Is that why you brought a backpack?”
“Yeah. Just a few things that could come in handy.”
They jumped on a bus for the short ride to Sandymount, a neighborhood more upscale than theirs, and found that the house party was mostly contained to the kitchen and back garden where Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” was blaring. Gavin led Sophie by the hand into the middle of the crowd, and she once again marveled at the effect he had on people. They moved aside, allowing him to become the center of attention, and then closing ranks around him, vying for his recognition. Sophie got her own warm welcome with kids saying hello and asking what took her so long to come around.
“Sophie!” Felicity shouted and pulled her by the hand away from the group.
Sophie looked back at Gavin, and he shouted, “I’ll find you.”
Felicity pulled her through the garden and back into the house, not stopping until they’d found a relatively quiet corner.
“Why didn’t you say you’d be coming?” she asked.
“I didn’t know I would be.”
“Ah, grand. Conor and I just had a bit of a row, and so I’m happy to see a friendly face.”
“What happened?”
“He doesn’t think I should move to Toronto for uni. He acts like me working my arse off to get my Leaving Cert is beside the point. But the whole point has always been so I can go far away for uni. He says it’s just me ‘running away.’” She scoffed. “As if the boy who’s about to run off to London to play rock star has any right to talk.”
Sophie held back a smile. Conor and Felicity had been so good at keeping their friends-with-benefits thing to themselves that they rarely allowed anyone to see them as more than buddies. But Sophie suspected there was more between them.
“We both know you’re going to do what you want,” Sophie said, “so, who cares what he thinks?”
She’d said it to goad her friend into admitting that Conor’s opinion mattered to her, to maybe even get her to admit that she would miss him.
But Felicity saw right through her. “Clever girl,” she said with a grin. “Yes, who cares what CQ has to say for himself. We’ll both be off and away, doing our own things. I may never even see the bastard again.”
“Oh, don’t say that!”
“Why not?” Felicity made a obvious effort to look aloof, as if all of this change wasn’t a big deal.
But Sophie knew her friend was in self-protection mode. She’d always been good at creating a wall around her heart, whether it was in regard to her absentee father, her true feelings for Conor, and especially now with her pretense that it didn’t matter to her if she never saw him again.
“But what about us?” Sophie asked, hoping to break through to her. “Won’t we be friends after this?”
Felicity met her eyes and her resolve seemed to falter. She squeezed Sophie’s hand. “Sophie, sure, we’ll be friends. But we should be honest about how things will change. You’ll go back to America and a whole different kind of life. I’ll be trying to create my own life in another country and who knows what all that means? To say we’ll carry on as we have, it’s just not realistic, is it?”
Sophie absorbed this and slowly shook her head. “No, I guess not.”
“Look, we’ll try. Okay?”
She didn’t know what she’d expected. Of course, her friendship with Felicity wouldn’t be as close as it had been these past months. Distance and different lives would change that. But after having found a genuine connection with Felicity when she’d needed it most, it was hard to fathom losing that and going back to how things had been with the friends-turned-bullies at her old school.
“I’m going to get a drink,” Felicity said. “Do you want one?”
Sophie declined and watched her go, still trying to accept that she was going to lose not only her boyfriend but her best friend in a matter of weeks.
“What are you doing here?” Conor asked, tearing her from her thoughts. “Shouldn’t you have turned into a pumpkin or something by this time of night?”
She laughed weakly at his bad Cinderella joke. And then she felt a deep pang in her chest with the realization of how much she would miss him, too. She’d spent so much time with Gavin, Conor, Shay, Martin, and Felicity, that it suddenly seemed unbearable that this part of her life was ending.
“What’s that? Tears, honey?” he asked. “Was it that awful of a joke?”
Blinking rapidly, she shook her head and looked down. “No,” she said, “I was just thinking. I mean, Felicity said you guys were fighting and I hate to hear that.”
“Fighting? Nah. That wasn’t a fight. It was more me giving her the truth she doesn’t want to hear.”
She looked up at him, cleared-eyed now. “What she needs, Connie, is your support.”
He rolled his eyes at her use of the nickname. Everyone knew he hated it but he’d never tried to stop her from using it. “I can still be her friend even if I don’t agree with her choices, can’t I?”
“You’re more than just friends.”
He raised his eyebrows as a question.
“I know that you two … you know.” She hesitated to admit her knowledge of their intimacy.
“You know, what?” he prodded, clearly amused by her shyness. “Fuck? Is that it, Sophie? You know that Felicity and I fuck now and again? That’s all there is to it. She can go wherever she wants, and I’ll do the same.”
“Wow.” She watched him curiously. He was playing some kind of game by saying this, she knew that much. Because she’d seen the tenderness that existed between them, like that time she saw him brush Felicity’s hair away from her face and then let his fingers trail over her cheek as if he were tracing her freckles when he didn’t think anyone else was watching. But now he was dead set against admitting even the possibility that he might like Felicity as more than an occasional hookup. Maybe he was taking a page out of Gavin’s book and resorting to denial as self-protection.
“Wow, what?” he pressed.
“I don’t believe you, is what. And also, you and Gavin have more in common than I thought.” She squeezed his bicep. “You’ll take care of him after I leave?”
“What do you mean? What do we have in common?”
“There you are, darlin’,” Gavin said, appearing by her side before she could reply. He pulled her dramatically to him, making her laugh as he perfectly timed singing along to the current song blasting from the back garden. It was Westlife’s cover of Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” and the line he sang was about her looking so fine. And then he dipped her backward and captured her mouth with his. She got lost in his kiss before the whistles and shouts all around reminded her they had an audience. He pulled her back up and she buried her face into the side of his neck. She couldn’t imagine ever getting used to being the center of attention like this. Gavin thrived off of it.
“Will we be going, then?” he asked.
“Leaving already?” Felicity asked as she rejoined them, a can of Harp in her hand.
“Yes,” Sophie said, pulling away from Gavin. She looked at Conor before turning back to her friend. “Go to Toronto, Felicity. Go and have the absolute best time.”
Felicity smiled, buoyed by this support. “I will.”
Sophie caught Conor’s eye as Gavin pulled her away. He gave her a hint of a smile, letting her know that he was aware of the game she was playing.
From the house party, they walked to the Strand, the large swath of beach with a view of the iconic red and white striped Poolberg Stacks power station, rising in the distance. It was low tide and the water had retreated to reveal hard-packed sand that seemed to go on and on.
“This is a good spot, darlin’,” Gavin said, pulling his backpack off and gesturing to a wooden bench along the path above the beach.
Sophie inhaled the scent of the sea. She’d always been drawn to the ocean’s salty air, rhythmic waves, and vast possibilities. It was an unusually clear night with a nearly full moon, making their visit that much better.
She turned to Gavin with a smile. “I love the beach.”
“I know you do. Sure, it’s not the California kind but it’s still something.”
“It’s perfect. We’ll stay for a little bit before I sneak back into my room?”
He nodded and reached into his backpack, pulling out a heavy wool blanket, a thermos, and a sleeve of McVitie’s, the chocolate cookies she had come to enjoy with tea.
They huddled together under the blanket, sharing capfuls of hot tea and nibbles of cookies. It was cozy, and Sophie was completely content. She sighed and leaned into Gavin.
“I want to be like this always,” she said.
“Then stay. Don’t go back, darlin’.”
She kept her eyes on the bright ray of moonlight reflecting on the water. “I wish I could.”
“What if … what if I talked to your parents? Maybe I could convince them to let you stay.”
Laughing, she said, “I don’t think that would work. You’re going to London, anyway.”
“Yes, but you’d come with us.”
Now she looked at him. “Gavin, tell me we won’t lose touch.”
“What?”
“Felicity said she might never even see Conor again once she’s moved to Canada. And she basically said she and I would probably lose touch because of our lives going in different directions. Tell me we won’t be like that.”
He was silent, watching her for a long moment before his gaze fell away from hers.
“Oh,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
“This is why I’m desperate for you to stay on, Sophie,” he said and cupped her face in his hands. “I don’t know what we’ll become when we’re thousands of miles apart. All I know is you’re the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“Are you saying that if we’re not together, you don’t want to stay in contact?”
“I’m saying, I need you. I need you to be with me, to not walk away.”
“If there was a way I could?—”
“There is. There is if you just break free from all those expectations you’re always trying to abide by.”
She pulled his hands from her face. “You don’t understand?—”
“No, I do. I get it. I get that you can only see your life playing out one way.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s not fair that I found the one person who knows me inside and out, and I’m destined to lose her.”
“You sound like you’re breaking up with me.”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I guess I’m just facing the truth, that thing you know I hate to do. You’ll go home and I’ll go to London. You’ll be focused on school and I’m sure the guys will be all over you there.”
“And you’ll be focused on Rogue and all the girls at your shows?” She brought her knees up to her chest, suddenly feeling cold as the image of him with other girls overwhelmed her.
“What are we supposed to do, Sophie? You tell me how this works.”
She opened her mouth to speak but no words came to her.
“I don’t like it any more than you do,” he said. “But Felicity is right to be honest with it all. There’s no use in pretending that we can somehow make this work. I thought you’d have come to this conclusion before me.”
“I guess I just didn’t want to give up hope. Silly of me to think we could have a lasting connection.” She pushed the blanket off her and stood.
“Where are you going?”
“Down there.” She pointed to the sand and kept walking.
Her heart ached, and it was hard to breathe. The only thing she thought might help at that moment was the soothing rhythm of the ocean. She shook her head as she walked, realizing that the only time Gavin didn’t give in to denial was about the end of their relationship. She’d pretended so well with him all this time that they could last that she’d convinced herself it was true. And now he was the one to face the reality for both of them: when she left, they’d be completely over.
It hurt. It hurt so much that she wanted to fall to her knees and scream until the pain left her body.
Instead, Gavin wrapped his arms around her from behind, bracing her and not letting go.
“My darlin’. My sweet girl,” he whispered in her ear. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He kissed her cheek. “Always.”
The tears fell from her eyes, and she tried to hold back her sobs. He held her tighter and let her cry. When she finally got control of herself, she turned around and kissed him, her mouth on his insistent and insatiable. She wanted everything she could have with him until they were over. He kissed her back with the same sense of urgency and it felt like the most bittersweet goodbye.
They made a spot for themselves on the sand. She leaned into him as he held her from behind, the blanket keeping them warm. They didn’t speak much but the hours passed, and the night changed, growing darker for a time before brightening with the dawn. The sun rose, painting the horizon in shades of pink and orange that contrasted with the deep blue sky above.
“Gorgeous, that,” Gavin said, looking out on the horizon. “But it doesn’t compare to your beauty.”
She squeezed his forearm and looked back at him. His handsome face was lit by a golden glow. He looked both resigned and happy, and she realized that all she could do was appreciate what they’d been lucky enough to find with each other and enjoy it while she could.